I don't want to, I want to stay in conflict, of course with the hope of intimacy someday. I want him to be able to keep putting in LB deposits, no matter how small or far between. (this morning we had a 5 minute conversation and when the toddler woke up, I went to take care of him, and H asked me for a kiss before going to sleep.. this was the first interaction in 3 days) But there are soooooo few depostits and so many withdrawels, mainly stemming from him not even being able to fathom the possibility of POJA, or spending 15 hours a week together. Maybe this is a DJ, by me saying this, if so, sorry, I'm just trying to read his mind, since he doesn't/won't/can't tell me. It hurts so much that I'm just starting to want AWAY from him. When he asked me for a kiss, it was hard for me to do. After months of being willing to do anything for a kiss from him, to almost feel revulsion was a huge shock. Is it just anger that is causing this feeling? I feel as if I'm starting to hate him sometimes. I want to cry so bad, but that solves nothing. I would like to approach him about filling out the EN's and LB's questionairres but I'm afraid that he will be angry at my responses and am pretty sure that he won't fill out either one. I guess I won't know unless I ask. I had planned on trying to have a calm, rational conversation with him today, about how if we want to improve our marriage, we can't just go to a MC once a week and expect him to fix it. WE have to do the work.. we have to apply his suggestions. The counselor had been trying to help us learn to "fight fair", by looking for comprimises, and the welfare of each other, not just our own viewpoint. The last few discussions we've had (one about lack of SF, and the other about him making my daughter cry by teasing her) I've actually had the sheet in my hand, going down the list of steps of how to constructively work through a disagreement, and both have been nightmares. Him just screaming at me that I'm not going to control him. So this was my planned discussion for later, except that in our 5 minutes of talking this morning, he informs me that he will be working on his 2 days off this week, because he wants to put a lift kit on his truck, and doesn't want to be made to feel guilty about the expense, by taking the money out of our budgeted income. He did say "How do you feel about that?" Which IS huge, as it is the FIRST time he has asked my opinion on his proposed plans, so maybe he is learning a little bit. I was tempted to say, do whatever you want, you do anyway. But I didn't, I said how I really felt. Well, you know I'd rather have you home with us, we get to spend so little time together as it is, and I also think that you work very hard, and I think you need a break, and besides I'd worry about you going 12 days without a day off, considering you work 14 hours a day, and it's driving a semi, so you REALLY need to be rested. But if you are set on doing this, ok, at least you asked my opinion, thank you for that. I didn't even get into how if he wanted to work more, there were a TON of extra bills that really need to be paid and that I think it's very irresponsible and WRONG to even think of spending $400 on a lift kit when we have been on food stamps for two months while he was getting going with this job!! (he was unemployed for almost 3 months before that, giving him the time to get involved with the internet flirting that almost caused our divorce) Then when I'm ready to walk away, disgusted, when he asks for a kiss. Is it just anger at his audacity, or am I truly moving into withdrawel???