I'm new and I live in Georgia. My hubby and i have been married for 8 years. We have been through a lot. I have 2 kids but my second child died at birth. I had a hard time dealing with it. I had never cheated on my hubby until this year. I had a guy that made over me and make me feel like i was so beautiful. We fooled around for months and then around 2 weeks ago, we went all the way. Now I have been so guilty feeling. I can't get over it. I feel so bad. My hubby has once told me that if I ever had sex with another man that he would leave me. The only people that know about it is my best friend and sister and of course the guy. He is married too. I broke it off with him. Now I am scared my hubby will find out. The guy told me that he would never tell because he has a lot to loose too. But we have been talking on the phone alot and I am scared that someone heard our conversation through a scanner because i know the woman on my block has a scanner she listens too. My hubby has never cheated on me that I know of. He has gotten into some trouble before that hurt me really bad so he has had a screw up but its not like he did what i did. Should i be worried that he will find out? Also he wore a condom so can i catch anything. I am beating myself up about this. I feel like i should tell my hubby but he will divorse me and i will screw up this other person's relationship with his wife. What should i do? I have prayed and prayed. I wish it was a dream. How could i do this. I am a horrible person. I had been so vulnerable and depresssed this year no excuse though.
Sasha

Sasha,

Welcome to Marriage Builders. First, I hope you take the time to read the articles here. I would like to draw your attention specifically to ones about the concept of "radical honesty". It is the corner stone of this site, so you can expect a lot of pressure to tell your H.

Here are a few of the reasons why.

1. Most everyone THINKS and even SAYS that if they find out their spouse has cheated on them, that will be the end of the marriage. If you look at this site carefully and perhaps even inquire of the posters here how many felt that, you will be amazed. The reality is that infidelity does not lead to divorce in most cases, especially when the wayward spouse, WS, has ended the affair and works to rebuild the marriage.

2. I think you would agree that you want your H to be open and honest with you. I suspect he wants the same from you. But, more importantly intimacy (I don't mean just sex either) is based on opening yourself up to your spouse. If you keep this secret you will build walls to protect it and these walls WILL be affective, you will begin to keep your H away from the deepest part of you.

3. Recovery really requires honesty. Clearly your marriage was not in top shape as you decided to seek out another man. You may think it was an accident but it was not. You were receptive. This suggests that both YOU and your H need to work on how you interact and how you nuture the marriage. He will not understand the importance of this and thus it is likely he will NOT do his part in recovery because he doesn't know what he is recovering from.

Now before you run off saying "I cannot do it." please do some reading here, read the articles, the posts and discussions and feel free to ask lots of questions. Now matter what you decide you will need a plan to rebuild your marriage, and that is something the people here have a lot of experience in.

You might want to post into and read a thread going that is primarily being posted to by FWW (former Wayward Wives) I believe it is Dorry that started it. Talk to these ladies, they can really help you, but also listen to the Betrayed Spouses here as well. They can offer you a lot of insight into what your H will feel, what you can do to handle this, and how to make your marriage better than it ever was.

You see the idea of this site is NOT just to address infidelity, it is to make marriages better no matter their state. So please, stay, read, ask questions, and post more.

You will learn a lot.

God Bless,

JL

sasha, welcome to MB. I am a FWW (former wayward wife) and a BS (betrayed spouse). Let me tell you that your husband WILL eventually find out. The best thing you can do is tell him yourself. Are you still talking to the OM (other man)? You need to send him a NC (no contact)letter. You need to never have C (contact) with him again. Be completely honest with your H. There are many BS here who said what your H said about leaving and they stayed and worked on the M. I will bump up Dorry's thread for wayward wives for you.

The most important thing right now is to cut off all contact with your lover. No phone calls, and certainly no visits. He needs to be completely out of your life before you can even think about what to do about your marriage. Do you have a clergy person you can talk to? Minister, priest, pastor? They might be able to advise you and even help you confront your husband if you decide to tell him.

And please remember this: You are not a horrible person. You did a horrible thing, but the fact that you feel remorse over your actions should tell you that you are truly a decent person. You didn't say when you lost your second child, but I understand from experience the deep pain and sadness that follows such an event (our first child was stillborn). When you lose a child, part of you never recovers. You can feel very numb and sometimes you feel like acting out and doing something crazy just to make yourself feel something. This may or may not have something to do with why you cheated on your husband, I don't know. None of that is an excuse, of course, as we are all responsible for our actions in the end, but it may help you gain some clarity as to why you did what you did.

Anyway, I hope you are able to find some answers here. People here are generally very understanding and helpful, especially when someone is trying to save a marriage.

Good luck.

Hi sasha - ditto what the others said. Allow me to repeat one thing in a different way:


Yes, you should be. You should be scared chitless that he's gonna find out.

Which is EXACTLY why you should tell him. When he finds out from another source it will be many times worse for both of you.

This doesn't mean that telling him will be easy nor that he won't be spittn' mad and terribly hurt.

And you should also tell the OM's wife.

Get everything out in the open, withstand the reaction, then go about picking up the pieces.

You can do this. Why? Because you've already demonstrated your humility and strength by telling your secret here. This also demonstrates that you are not a horrible person. Keep demonstrating this by taking the next step - come clean with your husband.

WAT

how tragic

I am so sorry

My baby died Jan 2005. I will never get over it. My hubby treated me really bad while i was pregnant. He didn't want anymore children but he let us try again because i wanted another baby so bad and then when i got pregnant he would always say, "you got what u wanted, U should be happy." Then my baby died. I know he didn't want him to die but all those words came back to my head. So I ended up in this other man's arms for comfort and it went too far. Also he is one of my husband's good friends. That is another reason i didn't want to tell. I wish I could take it all back. I am sitting here crying now. I want another baby so bad it hurts. I have had one really bad year but still no excuse for what i have done.
Sasha

not any more he's not

Sasha,

Do you think keeping this all inside is going to help you, your H, or your marriage?

Your loss of a child is soo tragic, and your reactions to it are not surprising. Please do the reading here, I think there are many things that will help you, but will NEVER make up for your loss.

God Bless,

JL

Sasha --- you need some medical attention

please speak to your physician and spill everything

you are depressed

you can think much more clearly when you aren't so depressed

PLEASE

call your physician

Oh, I'm sorry for you. You are not a horrible person. I speak to groups and tell them if they can top my testimony they can take the title of being a "horrible person" from me. I had over 40 affairs in about 2.5 years due to a sexual addiction that came after I found out my daughter was molested by my father-in-law. So things in life can get rather screwed up, but there is always hope and forgiveness.

I ended up telling my wife everything, we worked through the problems, and we are still married. And I'm not a horrible person, I did things I'm ashamed of, that I wish I had never done, that I know hurt my wife deeply and I wish I could undo, but I can't. So I accept what I have done and I move forward making the right choices, getting the counseling I need, staying accountable, etc.

It sounds like you went through something traumatic, needed someone to listen, made the mistake of falling into someone arms who listened, and now you are paying the consequences.

You need to stop the affair, stop the contact, find someone who can help you deal with this. You may want someone to be with you as you tell your husband what you have done. They can be there to act as referee. Maybe it can be your pastor, a deacon, or close family member. But as soon as you tell what has happened, it will be a burden lifted. It will be painful, but the burden will lift.

Pepperband makes a good point. Have you sought help for depression? I would think with all that has happened that it would have created a lot of stress and depression in your life and nothing is wrong with asking for help. You aren't suicidal are you?

You're not supposed to get "over it." But you should expect to accept it.

sasha - the death of my son at age 8 1/2 precipitated my wife's affair. So we have something in common - sorta. But there are lots of folks who lose children and don't have affairs - I'm one of them. What this means is that while your loss may be an easy thing to point to as a "cause", try not to limit it to just that. Doing so may prevent you from identifying other contributing factors.

Another thing we have in common is that my wife's affair was with her best friend's husband, who was also a close friend of mine. This is common in the world of affairs. I bring this up so you will not think you're unique and you'll hopefully recognize that what you're facing has been faced by many, many others.

So, what are you thinking about telling your husband?

I'm sitting here crying again. I just talked to my sister and she told me that I should learn from my mistake, get help and not tell my hubby because she said its going to be really really bad. My hubby has a really BAD TEMPER! I don't know what to do. I did go to a councelor for around 7 times but i felt like it didn't help. I wanted to go more but I couldn't afford it. It cost me $50.00 everytime i went. Also on top of it all we found out that what happened to my baby probably was inherited by my hubby which is not his fault at all. So he thinks I blame him but I don't. I honestly don't. I love my family more than life itself so I can't see how I could of gotten myself into something like this. I have stopped all contact with this guy. He knows how I feel. I told him that i was very vulnerable after everything that happened and in a way i feel like i was taken advantage off. Which i can't say that because it is just as much my fault that his. I do care about him but i wish that i had never felt comfort with him. My hubby and I have been having long talks and he told me that since i pushed the issue of having a second baby that he sometimes blames me for what happen to our baby. I feel so ashamed. I can't be around pregnant people or people with babies. It tears me up. I am very depressed. I have been dealing with this for over a year now it it tears me apart. My hubby has walked out on me a couple of times this year for a couple of hours MAD. I just don't think he could take this right now. He has already told me that his love has died for me this year with all the arguments we have had. I know for sure that he would leave me for good. I know I need help but I don't know where to go for it. I cry almost everyday. My husband didn't give me comfort after my baby died. I went weeks knowing that he was dieing in me before delivering him. I woke up screaming and crying some nights and instead of comforting me he told me i had to be strong for our older child which is 6 yrs old. Sometimes i just don't know how much more I can take. I know my husband does grieve but in a different way. Thank u all so much for your help. U don't know how much this means to me.
Sasha

Sasha, you really are going through depression and possible post tramutic stress. You really should think about seeing a medical doctor, preferably a psychiatrist. I see one regularly and it is nothing to be ashamed about. They can find some medications to help you deal with the emotions you are going through. You are dealing with a lot and maybe if you had your emotions under control you would be able to see a clearer path to dealing with things. It would also help you in dealing with your child.

I don't know what part of Georgia you are in, but I know in Atlanta there are many churches that offer free counseling services for those who can't afford counseling. I know my church does. It's something you might consider.

And if you ever get to a point of desperation, there is a 1-800-suicide you can call 24 hours a day that will give you someone to talk with.

worthatry,
I am so sorry about your 8 1/2 old son. I can't even imagine. I know u still hurt. How long has it been since his death? So did your wife come clean with u or did u catch her? What happened with the best friend? I'm sorry u had to go through what u went through. I don't understand why things like that happen. Sometimes i feel like if my baby had just lived that everything would of been ok. But he died and it tears me up inside. Life really hurts doesn't it?
Sasha

My son died in August, 1999 after a 5 1/2 year battle with cancer. Soon after we burried him, my wife accepted comfort from OM who was one of the pallbearers. His wife and I finally caught them in June of 2000. We divorced, they got married within a few months, and to this day they both still deny they did anything wrong. OM's former wife is a total basket case. It was all very, very, very ugly. Enough about my case.

You are already further along in your struggle than my XW and X-friend may ever be because you recognize your error. This is why we have declared that you are not a bad person. A bad person would not have the humility nor courage to look in the mirror.

We understand your hesitency to come clean with your husband. It is impossible to predict what his reaction will be, but we can be pretty sure it will be worse when he finds out from another source. There are no easy ways out of this mess for you - each way will be painful. But the most painful way may be attempting to keep your secret, always afraid of him finding out. You will be carrying a huge burden.

Of course your sister advises you not to tell. This may be because she doesn't have the experience we have with the situation here. She may think, "what he doesn't know won't hurt him." But what you know in secret - in your marriage - will continue to hurt you PLUS the constant threat of him finding out. Best to get it all out so you can start the process of putting it behind you.

I often wonder what would have become of my family's lives had my son not gotten ill. You will do the same. Normal reactions. We have no way of knowing what might have been and it's tempting to conclude that "everything would have been OK." Odds are that everything in our respective marriages would not have been OK. The deaths of our children are very likely just the final catalyst that tipped the scale - along with other problems in the marriages - to our crises.

Yes, life really hurts sometimes. But I can confidently say that it stays that way only if you let it. I look at my son's pictures everyday, I can still hear his voice, and I dream about him. But I am also very happy with a new love in my life and I have an appreciation for my other son and for life in general that others cannot imagine. I am not thankful for what I had to experience, but I am a better person, a better father, and a better partner because of it.

WAT

Sasha,

Your sister has given you what seems like "natural" advice not to tell. Eventually, you will learn, either the easy way (by listening to people here) or the hard way (by listening to your sister) that it will be better for you in the long run to be honest with your husband. You don't want him to find out any way but from you and he will find out.

You also need to get some help with depression.

Your marriage sounds pretty bad as you describe it. Many people here have worse stories to tell but have survived infidelity. You can make it through this, you really can. You're going to make it.

Read the free articles on this site and keep posting.

God bless you and help you through this.

You don't have to look around here very long to see that I am one of the biggest fans of a radical honesty policy in a marriage and you can read any of my early posts or my posts to SmartCookie and find out how bad that things can get in a marriage when the cancerous ulcerations of lies builds walls between the partners. I preach the same message all the time, but it seems like that few listen. Please search and read SmartCookie's two original posts (before coming clean with DH and after) and then read some of her more recent posts. She is truly a changed individual. She is the poster child for radical honesty in my opinion.

She hesitated coming forth with her secret as well and then when she did, she was surprised to find that her husband really didn't react at all like she expected. Not that with honesty, everything is rosy...it's a hard road, but a road that you forced your husband down when you made the mistake of having your emotional needs met outside the marriage. You made that choice and no matter how bad you feel you cannot undo what has been done. Your H did not have any say in the choice you made. The least that you can do to show some respect to your H is to let him know what happened and allow him to make a "choice". If you read the statistics, it is a far greater chance that you will not divorce because of the A. A marriage can recover from an A, but it cannot recover from dishonesty. At some point, you have to come clean...or he will find out some other way (he probably already suspects the worst).

At the same time, I do not believe that it is a bad thing to start a really good Plan A to rekindle the love between you before you come clean. This should be a short plan A in my opinion, just long enough to show your H what kind of a person that you have become since your A has ended. This has to start with absolute NC and complete focus on rebuilding your marriage. After a few months, the changes that you make will likely cause changes in him as well. Then when you let him know what has happened he will have a far better data set to make his decision. He will make the decision to stay or go based on what kind of a W you can be instead of what kind of wife you were. Just my $ 2.03 for whatever it is worth.

NT

I am a FWW who had a ONS over the summer. My H has always said that infidelity is a deal breaker and once the vows are broken, we are over. You can imagine how excited I was to tell him. But I felt that I had to. I thought about it for a day, and decided that I had to tell him.

In order to grow and learn from this, I felt I had to be completely honest with him and with myself. I couldn't live a relationship that was based in lies.

Well, he got ANGRY, and still is angry. He put off dealing with it until recently and UNLEASED VENOM on me, several times. Told me that he was only staying around because of the kids, and if it wasn't for them, he would be long gone and never look back.

Then he told me that will have to do for now, and eventually he may want to be with me, but it is going to take time.

Recently, we have been talking about what kind of houses we want to live in one day and where we ultimately want to settle down.

My point is that my H said NO WAY is this forgivable and we are DONE. I thought the same thing. Then I screwed up and we had to look it in the eye.

I think we are slowly recovering, day by day. Some days are worse than others, but I think over all we are going in the right direction. If I had to deal with holding it all in and living a lie, I don't think things would go well and it would be a gajillion times harder to recover from the lies as well as the infidelity, because he would have found out eventually.

To sum up what I am trying to say.....tell him now and start the healing process.

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