I'm finding that I do so well when H is home (or at least home at night)...during those times I am sure he is being sincere and yesterday I actually felt happy for most of the day...that was an odd feeling, but I liked it...

Now today comes and he's been out on the road since last night..I know he's where he's suppose to be because he calls me every couple of hours and I have no reason to believe that he is calling her, but the smallest things set me off and I suddenly suspect every single move he makes...For example, this afternoon we talked at 1:00 for about 15 minutes and he said he was going to lay down for a while, after we hung up I started triggering because I noticed from the phone logs that he usually called her between 1 & 2, which I assume is her lunch time...I worked myself up so much that I just had to call him at 2:00, I couldn't stand it anymore. When he answered I could tell that he was outside and I asked him what he was doing, he said he just came back from going to the bathroom in the plant he was waiting for a load at...and that he didn't sleep long because his dispatcher called and woke him up....makes sense right?...Well, I convinced myself that he just told me he was going to sleep so he could go to a payphone and call her and that's where he was coming back from when I called him..it was a horrible feeling and made me wonder if I was 'feeling' something not right or just worked myself up with all the triggers (time of day, him on the road, etc.)...I do know that he hasn't taken any money out of the bank so he couldn't have bought a phone card, and I'm 99% sure he doesn't already have one because I've been checking anywhere it would be..even in his truck the other day....

will I ever get over this mistrust and suspecting every single thing he does?? I know he hates when I accuse him of calling her, so I sure won't be bringing it up as per Plan A...but damn....this crap has turned me into a basket case and I'm so tired of feeling this way...

It takes so long but you are wise to keep your eyes open and ck on him.

hey girl,
you've got mail <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

(((This_hurts)))

I wish I could give you some advice, but you have made it further into recovery than I ever did!

Are you two going to try some conseling? Maybe that would be a safe place to talk about your fears and triggers.

Yes, it is normal. Yes, it will subside with time. Yes, you should continue to check what you can.

Jean's comment about using MC as a safe forum to talk about your fears is absolutely correct. We did this in MC and our counselor was able to help us find ways for FWH to make me feel safe. She was a disinterested party who could tell FWH it was normal and that my need for total transparency on his part was reasonable. She helped us brainstorm ways I could be made more comfortable without FWH getting defensive about it.