I was inspired to present this question in the GQ2 forum after posting a reply to Mikeg's "THIRSTY" thread in the Recovery forum.

The gist of his thread is that his emotional reserves are empty and his FWW is refusing to show him any affection.

In a word, my question to FWWs would be - "Why???"

But with a little more elaboration, what I mean is this: Why do SOME FWWs seem to dive back into their marriages with a passionate determination to undo the harm they've wrought, but others seem reluctant to venture more than tepid effort and generally expect the BH to shoulder the lions-share of the restoration effort? A companion question would be: Do FWHs act the same way?

Personally, I, too, am finding my FWW's recalcitrant and intentional refusal to share much in the way of affection very draining. At least in my case, Crystal is showing some signs of having some affection for me, but she's still adamantly opposed to SF. I *think* her belief is that if we engage in SF before she feels passionately attracted to me that I'll either stop trying or she'll be capped at the level of affection she has for me at that moment forever. Perhaps it's something entirely different... I just don't know.

Personally, I think that as a married couple, we can engage in SF if it would be mutually pleasurable, even if we're not so turned on we're tearing each other's clothes off from the firey passion we're experiencing. I also think that engaging in SF might be a good way for us to cement the gains and renew some emotional energy to keep doing the tough work of our restoration. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

FWWs (and anyone else who thinks they have an insight), I would love to understand this aspect of my FWW, and why she's not like the FWWs who dive into restoring their marriages.

TD, I don't think there's an FWW on this board who dived back with passionate determination.

Yes, I was determined to get my marriage back but I wasn't quite sure how I was going to do it given the way I felt. If you asked my H just after d-day and for about 6 months after he would say I was extremely tepid. He used to say I looked at him with cold, cold eyes and he'd never seen that before from me or anyone. We did have SF from day 1 after d-day and haven't stopped since.

My H just Plan A'd away without knowing it was a Plan A. Our MC had told him to do that anyway, before I even found MB.

I remember reading of some, perhaps they were FWWs who had an A that died of a "natural death."

At least you were determined that you wanted your M back. It's been a battle just to get Crystal to stick around and try. She was certain that she didn't want the M, and that there was no possible way that it could be restored anyway.

I guess your response was somewhere in-between... and I guess that's somewhat comforting because it demonstrates that there is a continium (sp?) in the distributions and not just the extreemes.

I seriously can't think of one and I've been on the Board for 2 years.

Yes, I was determined to stick around and try. Definitely. But we had been married for 28 years at the time of the A. I don't know if that makes a difference.

Crystal isn't that different from any other FWW. Cold comfort I know.

I know exactly where you are coming from (or not coming from actually). It's pretty tough not having SF for a man after a while. I was going nearly crazy when I went without for a month - my wife was away 2 weeks and then for 2 weeks she wouldn't touch me, look at me anything. She was going through withdrawal.

2 weeks after she came home, she broke down in tears and told everyone how sorry she was for everything. We hugged and she cuddled with me. But nothing doing SF wise when we went to bed. - wouldn't let me touch her.

Then, she really had no feelings for me at all - she described herself as feeling numb right after she kissed me for the first time (4 weeks post d-day). She initiated the kiss and also holding hands etc. Got home that night, went to bed - looked like nothing was doing and I asked her if I could kiss her again. She said yes and we had SF. Afterwards, she said it felt good.

We were then having SF regularly but she still had no feelings and she was concerned because she was expecting the feelings to start returning. For a while, it was just straight SF - wasn't allowed to give oral or even kiss her breasts. Got sick of "don't do that" don't touch that etc. I can't even tell you exactly when that passed, but I can say that we have had some of the sweetest, nicest SF and more regularly than ever over the last few months.

We also started doing HNHN audio CD course. My wife would saw she really loves me now.

Point is we first started having SF because she did it as an ACT of love to me without any feelings whatsoever. What comes first? the feelings or the acts of love? I think if you act in a certain way the feelings will follow - but your wife needs to be open to than.

I was very keen to start SF again - I was just so horny but I also wanted to take some ground back in our relationship. It was healing for me for sure. You just have to walk the talk sometimes. We were committed to our marriage and SF was a part of that too I guess. If one of your wife's EN's is SF, then you are going to kick start the love bank deposits if you have SF. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

As it turns out, SF *is* one of her ENs. Nevertheless, I am not even allowed to attempt to meet that particular EN at this time, and my bride isn't sure when/if she'll ever let me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> I guess she may be afraid that if it isn't a wonderful earth-shatteringly powerful experience, then she'll want to give up and not try it again or something. Like I said, I really don't know. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Last night, I asked her how she felt about me and the look on her face looked like you might expect if she were performing an appendectomy on herself with a rusty butterknife, and then she said, "I guess I like you."

It made me laugh a little. I think she would find allowing herself to like me a little easier if she would actually read the Choosing Forgiveness book, but I'm happy to see the progress she's making so far.

I guess I've read a bunch of posts by FWWs who had deep remorse about their A's and would do anything to keep their H and family. In my case, I had to take an active roll in exposing and busting-up the A, and even then, she wouldn't give up contact, mostly out of spite because she knew how much I wanted her not to contact OM. And getting her to stay and work on the M has been difficult. She's been much better about not being overtly cold to me since we started counseling with Jennifer, and I think that some of that courtesy she was forcing is now more natural to her...

Oh well, I don't mean to complain. For some reason today's just a little harder than other days to keep my sense of affection for her soaring. I wish she would go out of her way to fill me up, emotionally, for a change, but I don't think she can right now without it being a sacrifice.

Thanks for your responses... Anyone else have insight to offer us befuddled BSs (especially BHs)?

Tested,

Sorry you are having a rough day.

My A had died, and NC was established a few months before D-day. At the time of D-day, I felt trapped in my marriage and wanted out, just to be on my own.

For about a month and a half after d-ay, I was still in the fog and wanted out. During that time, my H was very caring and loving towards me. He put his feelings of hurt and betrayal on the back burner to romance me back into the marriage. So during that time, I was not very warm or affectionate. My H was doing all the work during that time.

Through my H's help and my asking God for help, I came out of the fog and realized that I wanted to remain married. Then the roles reversed.

So for me, it was during the fog that I acted distant and cold. When I came to my senses and realized I was crazy to leave, was when my behavior changed.

Was your wife like this before the A?

I wish I had some better advice, but the only thing I can think of is to continue to try and meet your wife's ENs. But you have every right to have your EN's met as well.

You mentioned counseling, which is good.

Also, I saw the scripture qouted in your sig - I'm not going to assume anything, but if you have a relationship with God, prayer - for you and your wife - is always a good thing.

At one point, I still wanted out of the marriage, but I knew it wasn't the right thing. I literally asked God to smack me upside the head and help me to feel differently. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Strange, I know, but it's something that worked for me.

Take care. I hope your day gets better.