Hello,
I am desperate need of some insight. I will try to keep it as short and to the point as possible. My wife and I have been married for 9 years and have a 2 1/2 and 5 year old. My family means more to me than absolutely anything. I confronted my wife about a month ago on her just not seeming quite herself. Some digging into the discussion led to her telling me that she sees me only as a friend and doesn't have romantic feelings for me. I was deeply hurt. I have since been told that she needs space and thought it a good idea I leave our family. I have always been a good dad and a good husband. Our sex life had been sporratic at best but under the right situation (her deciding when, where, and how) was quite good. She is a single child that comes from a house that can be best described as "cold". Her mom and dad have no mutual affection to one another. Her dad has his own room and her mom hers. My wife is a great mom who is very goal driven with maticulous attention to detail. She does not allow herself to fail. We both have full time jobs. Hers is a management position she had taken pretty recently. She also makes a good deal more money than me. She does not share her feelings ( although I have always tried to get her to ). I am an eternal optimist and she can often be a pessimist. It is my belief that she is overwhelmed and I am the easiest one to "toss aside".
At this point I am very confused. I am meeting with a counselor. She says that she wants to more than coexist and wants romance in her life. She doesn't see me in that. I have been good to her almost at a fault and am very much afraid. We both want all the same things in life. I feel taken for granted and under appreciated. I ask for very little, but give a great deal of myself. I do try to romance her but she always feels I have ulterior motives ( i.e. sex). I do not excuse myself of any "blame" and am trying to treat this as a positive and rediscover who I am and why she first fell in love with me. I am just on my own. If I push for answers, she will push back and I can't take that risk. Is there anybody out there with the same experience that can help me work to give this story the ending I think it truly deserves?

kitchenx4,
You came to the right place, you will find tremendous help on this sight and here in the forum, there are tons of stories here just like yours, be patient, I am sure a lot of the people here will have enlighhtening insights for you. Some of the people here are really incredible...just hang on, "if you post it.... they will come....." (corny I know)
TD <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Thank you Tredding. I appreciate the support.

She is in desperate need of being romanced. Since she has a problem with suspecting ulterior motive (not that you can blame her), separate the two.

Here are a few suggested solutions:
(1) do not be overly concerned about how she reacts. Sometimes she'll appreciate your romantic gesture, other times, for reasons totally hidden to you she will not show her appreciation. Maybe she had a hard day.
(2) you should be doing the romantic stuff for the sake of itself, not because you'll get something in return. Your attitude should be: "I love her, and I do these romantic things for her because I love her. And I do not expect anything in return."
(3) Do lots of little romantic things for her (e.g., 3-5 per day) rather than a few big things (e.g., 1 a week). This constant feedstream will do 2 things: (a) it will not hurt your feelings if she does not show appreciation to a small romantic thing as it would if she'd not show appreciation for something that took you a long time and lots of sweat on your part; and (b) she wont feel "it's about bloody time that he tried to be romantic". Make romance a part of your every day life, but not a big deal.

Hi, I am in the same situation, only I am the wife. It's one thing to feel this way about your husband whom you did love at one time, but then there is the guilt to go with it. How nice. The reason for feeling this guilt is out of obligation. Why do we do this to each other? Why can't people just live and let live? I know that goes against "commitment", but how does one person have any right to "keep" another person, knowing they feel like this. I don't get it.

Kitchenx4- your situation is simliar to mine except that the revelation came later in marriage and my wife had taken the step of telling me the news that she doesn't see me in her life long term. It seems like your attentiveness to the problem may have forced its revelation sooner which is good news.

My wife has a similar cold upbringing and the sex life statement sounds like I could have wrote it. I can't tell from your post whether you moved out or not. Did you? I would do everything in my power to not do so as that announces to the world that the marriage is in trouble and removes one dissuading point for your wife ending the marriage. (it's already out in the open) In my case, my wife has mentioned separation twice and I flatly and emphatically disagee. If she insists, she's going to be the one to leave - - not me.

Your wife says she doesn't have romantic feelings, my wife's complaint is that she doesn't feel passion for me. I likewise am completely committed to my family and am scaed.

So, what do we do? For us, joint counseling was a help in getting the ball rolling. We were able to identify causes of the reasons for our problems. But now, I'm stuck in that she won't tell me anything else I can do to make her feel loved.

One thing that has helped us is to try and compartmentalize our interactions. There are times to be friends and times for discussing relationship issues. By protecting our fun times from conflict, we seem to be somewhat reconnecting. Make the decision that most of the time you are together youwill enjoy each other in the moment and then save the relationship stuff for other talks.

Answerswanted-I am glad to hear that you situation is working out better and it is great to hear from someone with the experiences. I have stayed in my home. I have been building a room in my basement and expect to be done in a couple of days. I have started seeing a counselor and that has helped me get a little more grounded. It has been extremely hard for me to deal with the idea that my wife had somehow just decided that somehow she couldn't feel passionate about me. In retrospect, she didn't just decide. It was a pattern that brought us to this point and for now, I am the only one going to counseling. I am about three weeks into this and am looking for constant little cues that things are moving foreward. I can't tell if it's too soon or what. I am aware that this will take a long time to sort through, and that there are no overnight fixes. I wish your family the best.

SUZEQ- I am in a similar situation as well, but I have an H who has lost his feelings of love for me.

What you "don't get" is that that it is not about "keeping" the other person. It is about truly loving the other person.

Deep feelings of love are what drive the actions of the "unloved" spouse (in most cases..) We believe in love and want to do all that we can to save our marriage because it is what we feel in our gut.

In the end, it may not be meant to be, but it feels unnatural not to "fight" for what you believe is "right."

I liken it to being diagnosed with a terminal illness. You can decide to fight it- because you want to live -- or, you can decide to resign yourself to dying. If you do decide to fight, at some point, you may very well lose the battle, but you know in your heart that you gave it your all - you never gave up - and you can be at peace.

The unloved spouses are just looking for some peace...

And, if you give any credence to the phylosophy of MB - then it makes all the sense in the world to work towards rebuilding love - rather than accepting that the love is gone forever - period.

KITCHENX-

I failed to respond to you -

I have to say that I think the reasons why women and men fall out of love are different and I don't think I can apply my experiences to your situation.

My H is very hard to persuade on any topic - so you can imagine how difficult it has been to deal with his revelation that he is convinced that he has never really loved me.

All I can say is that if the situations were reversed, and I saw how devastated my husband was - and I saw a genuine attempt to change his behaviours to meet my needs, I would be persuaded to give the marriage a chance - regardless of how deeply detached I felt. I've actually have gone throught some feelings of detachment from my H over the years (who hasn't in a 15 year marriage!) But I never took it to the next level (withdrawl.)

All I can say is eliminate love busting and try to meet those ENs - find out what they are - and go from there. Keep your hope alive. Believe me- I know how difficult it is - but it is the only thing you can do...

Oh my God. People I'm having the same problem as you. I am the wife. My H has told me that he has lost all feelings for me. He doesn't think he loves me, he say that last few times we made love he didn't like it, in the beginning our sex life was great but after 2 yrs of marriage it started going downhill really fast. It's now 5 yrs and I can count how many times we made love last year. This year it's March and no sex. Last time we made love was in November and he reluctantly did so. I recently learned that he's been calling another woman for the last 4 months and he says that he just vents out his frustrations with her because he knows that what he tells her won't hurt her but they'll hurt me. When I discovered these calls he decided to tell me how he felt and why he called her so much 10x a day. He says there was no affair he simply needed a friend to talk to because he thought he was going crazy. At first he thought he had a physical problem with "getting aroused" but now he knows that he doesn't because other girls make him "aroused". This is devastating and I don't know what to do. I've been all over this forum and everyone has told me that he is having an affair with this woman. Under the circumstances of no sex it's easy to determine that but it's been like this for such a long time already, I just accepted him for who he is. I feel so unloved and so unhappy but I love him so much, this pain is killing me.

RE: DeceivedByHim Oh my God. People I'm having the same problem as you. I am the wife.

Read what this lady is doing in a similar situation Update Since A-Bomb in GEL Household

The chapter of her current story starts here Feeling crushed and alone.

I have been following this lady's story for over a year. Read it, it might help you.

Lou

Hi, everyone...

Just a driveby post here...I remember being on both sides of these feelings...when my H let me go from his heart and when I fell out of love with him. Different times. Long before MB...so glad I found it.

SuzeQ and GuyinTexas...if the solution is replacing what doesn't work for you right now, then you'll be replacing people the rest of your life. When it is about them and not you, you take it with you. That's my firm belief from experience.

Kitchen...some of the dance you have in your marriage was in mine. Don't jump past some basics into her past with what you've known about her and bring it into the present. Consider the new job, new people and a possible EA. Not to hurt you or sound pessimistic. Some of the things she is saying are textbook. And I don't stereotype. You're already doing a Plan A (here on MB), and you're here, in IC...you are choosing best course actions with aplomb. Know that. Own that. Your choices. Not your fault. Two different things.

DeceivedbyHim...if your H went outside your marriage to have his needs met, and used the belief that what he told intimately to another woman so as not to hurt you...it is an affair. Solid. Sure. How he reacts to your knowledge that it is an affair will also tell you the extent.

Know your devastation, love, commitment and pain. Your marriage can be saved and thriving. I'm proof. There is a lot of proof. Read in the Infidelity General Questions II forum...read up on Plan A...gives you guidance and a steps. That helps when you are feeling replaced.

Know this now...please...you are not being replaced by someone else...you are being replaced by a fantasy. You didn't cause it...both marriage partners contribute to the state of the marriage...only one chooses an A.

Please read up on Lovebusters (LBs) (which have to go first, in you), then Emotional Needs (ENs) and the Lovebank...all articles here by Dr. Harley.

answerswanted...not every situation has an EA or PA in it. Falling out of love with a spouse happens as you said, for many reasons...Harley has traced most of them. You recovered because you recognized and took action...and because your wife talked...told you...and you heard. You give great advice. I take it you've filled out the Emotional Needs Questionnaires together? The Recreational Companionship ones? Did you do the Lovebusters ones?

JHLP...strong advice and commitment. Look to your belief that things can be "meant to be."

From being here, I've learned love is a choice. Your feelings of love are information about your belief. You believe you love, you feel loving. Sometimes, like you have, you act love (as a verb) when you aren't feeling loving. In the very action, the feeling returns...you are loving by choice. You love from belief. Feelings will come and go given your beliefs...we have thousands of them and they give off a lot of information, overlapping and contrary. Add in fears, and well, you have quite a complex mix.

You can love well and truly, and your partner may not feel loved. That doesn't mean you're not doing it right...they may believe they aren't worthy...temporarily or permanently, to be loved truly and well. Their issue, not yours. Your choice remains to love anyway...or not. Respect that they may not be feeling love...if you live by your feelings to tell you what to do, you'll be in a looped cycle your whole life, like whim and wind...and repeat the same mistakes because you are basing them on faulty information. When someone rewrites their marital history with the never loved, or felt passion...I believe it is a huge red flag that they are in a fantasy and rejecting reality. We all have our opinions and perspectives...that one is dangerous. I remember.

Live from your beliefs, which are what feelings come from. That is what gets a marriage of humans through incredibly painful times and into a healthy way to live.

Individual Counseling (IC) is essential, I believe. As well as MC (Marital Counseling). They don't fix you, but they are a safe place to begin your work.

I don't see why this is in Resolving Conflict...lack of feelings aren't conflict to me. Internal conflict, you bet. Tough to choose where to post.

Hope you don't mind me dropping in.

LA

Same situation here except I am the wife. I love my husband as a friend and do not want to cause him or our children pain, so I stay. The last time we had sex was in November. I inititated like always. We've had many discussions where I've let it be known that I don't like being the one to initiate it all the time, that it would be nice if he made some romantic overture, even something as simple as a foot rub. So, last November after another lackluster encounter, I decided I would not initiate and see how long it takes him to take the reins. Here it is March and still no sex. He has not mentioned it one time. I do not doubt that he also loves me as a friend and will not hurt the children. I do not suspect an affair as our 20 year marriage as always been like this. I believe he has a very low sex drive and it's just not a big deal to him. Having finally realized that, it's a load off my shoulders because after 20 years, it had become just another chore to me. I know there are several guys on here that have mocked women for that attitude. Believe me, I didn't arrive at this place with this attitude without 20 years of good reasons. It is tempting to bail and look for that passion and romance but it is pure fantasy. I will never find more love than I do each time I look in the eyes of my 3 children . Physical love simply cannot compare to that. My husband is kind, considerate, funny and good company. We get along well and he is my best friend. We just do not have sex and for now, that is okay.

my wife doesnt feel any romantic attraction for me either. certainly, i contributed to the problem but she wont accept her part in the deterioration. its all about her. ive spent 1-1/2 years changing myself to be what it is she claimed she wanted. i did this because i wanted to to make our marriage work. it hasnt netted me one thing. she still doesnt trust me with her "feelings" even though ive never cheated or done anything to destroy her trust other than not keep her love bank completely full. dr. james dobson said it best in his book "love must be tough" ..the new generation of women has been raised to hold her husband completely responsible for their happiness, well being, emotional needs & recreational fun. if he fails in any of the above ..shes no longer interested. he terms this as complete selfishness. his book goes on to detail all the things wrong with the new man also but this one seems to hit home for me.
after being seperated for 1-1/2 years and trying for longer than that to rekindle her romantic love for me......i find myself doing without anything i want in our relationship. she constantly treats me poorly and touching.........you can forget that. she claimed she wanted affection ..so naturally thats what i try to give her. well......if she wants affection..she must not want it from me. everytime i conquer one of her needs another one pops up. i find ill never win.
ive tried all the suggestions in every book i can read that is biblically based by fine authors but i fear im working with faulty equipment with this woman.
now i long to be romanced and touched. i need someone who wants to talk to me. did i mention its been a year and a half?? i cant seem to get this turned around ....but my next resort is dr. dobsons tactic of lovingly letting go. ive been applying this for the last 2-1/2 months and broken all contact with her. well....ive obviously, done something wrong with this process. my next statement is how i assessed what shes doing now to me. she e-mailed me with a brief note ...hoping i was well and that she missed me. naturally, she never mentioned loving me but i responded that i still loved her and missed her also. well.......she got her "fix" to see if i was still "hers" and when she did respond .......it was back to the old cold self. how our lack of talking was my fault .....and that actions speak louder than words.
how true she is........ive been showing actions for over a year and shes shown none. bottom line..shes playing head games with me and im too old to play. i still love her and want it to work but for me its really been work. she sits back and reaps the benefits and usually acts like what i do is nothing.
ive prayed for months ......along with many other of our church brethern for God to restore her feelings and i guess He'll answer in His time but i fear she must not be the christian she claims to be when she shakes her fist at God and defies is marriage principles as outlined in the Bible. im really kinda shocked that our church , who stresses , accountability among our church fellowship ...has never confronted her with her denial to do or try to do the right thing. i dont want her miserable and i dont want to be miserable but i also intend to do what God has said in regards to marriage. i firmly believe that if we both do that ......our marriage will be restored. why cant my christian wife follow the same thinking???

dear canthurtthekids
i wish i had a woman like you...i tried to initiate sex but i got nothing but a dirty look. i told her that id just wait on her to initiate it or just hint if she was interested because clearly, when i wanted some affection it must not have been good for her schedule.