Mrs. W8ing,

It is true that his kids are opposed to moving. I completely understand - they have 2 homes as it is, and their mother has moved 50 miles away - so the commute for them is tough.

Pre-marriage counselling is something that I have wanted to do...just haven't taken the time to find a counselor. The preacher from his church has offered -though he does not have much experience with pre-marital counselling. We just haven't taken him up on it.

I just feel that I have come to a major crossroad and don't know what to do. I am content with my life at the moment and don't want to do something that my heart is telling me is not right for me. On the same token, F is not understanding my feelings and thinks that I am just using the house as an excuse - which I am not.

Thank you for your suggestions and thoughts.

Get yourself a skilled, exerienced marriage counsellor! Make the time to find one or loose more energy spinning your wheels over this. The choice is yours.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7100_counselor.html

I have been deemed as looking out for only me...may be true...but I've worked very long and hard to become happy with myself - it's not easy to find contentment in your life - and I feel I have found it and just want to be able to hold onto it.


then don't be pressured into any relationship or change until your are ready or want to do it enthusiastically. . . he evidently does not wholeheartedly embrace the POJA philosophy. . . may be too used to getting his own way. . .

the company i work for was owned by a very successful business man whom everybody disliked. . . very controlling person. . . demanding and controlling. ..

he sold his business for $1 BILLION . . and soon after his wife divorced him, and someone recently saw him, and said that he is a very lonely man. . .

I think your jump to marriage talk without being wholeheartedly enthusiastic for the arraingement has put yourself in a very difficult box. .. and that is what you are now struggling with. . . you didn't anticipate the future correctly, and now are sort of stuck . .

its a tough lesson to learn, but the future is very, very, uncertain. . .

wiftty

wiftty,
Thank you for taking the time to toss in your thoughts. This weekend proved to be the straw that broke the camel's back.

I have come to the conclusion, that he can either accept things as they are and continue to hold out for a possible marriage in the future, (as I still have obligations) or he and I can go our separate ways. I don't want to pressure him into continuing at status quo if this is not what he wants. He too has a choice. This I stuggled with ALL weekend.

Certain choices we make inevitably leave us feeling empty and sad; but not to choose will make us feel worse. This is where I am today.

Thanks again.

Well - things have spirled this last weekend. We are officially un-engaged. He broke off the engagement on Sunday afternoon. I removed my ring before going to bed. What I don't understand is we were changing border and wallpaper and had yet more chosen to change. I thought things were going as planned. What good does that do for us?

Is he correct in wanting to go back to "boyfriend-girlfriend" mode? Or am I not seeing the whole picture?

Please forgive me for being negative here but he sounds like a control freak. I know that is a cruel judgment to make but I live with someone who is and the house we live in is a major issue to him because he feels so "in control". He worked hard for it etc. BLAH BLAH BLAH! I am sorry I am having a rotten day but I am frustrated with men who attach their future, confidence etc. on a piece of property. I know that my divorce would be final if I didn't plan to try and stay in this house. I have 4 children, and am a SHM. He wants to stay in the house and even told me he had no problem seperating if he could stay in the house and we moved. It is a control issue for him. Wish I had good, positive advice. I am struggling with alittle bitterness here. Just wanted to let you know I read your post and share my thoughts. I truly wish you the best and there are many wise people here to give really good advice. I am just not one of them sorry.

Did he explain why he wanted to go back to "BF/GF"? In general, I can't see that being a good sign <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />, but maybe you need a break?

AGG,
I guess he feels that we will never get married? Not really sure what the reasoning is behind it. What's the point of dating -except to find that someone you want to marry. Once engaged, what would be the point of calling it off if you intended to keep seeing each other. I'm confused to say the least!

Not a good sign for me either.

Since I followed this thread from the beginning, I can offer another perspective on your question above:

"What would be the point of being engaged if you didn't have a wedding date in mind and still had big issues to overcome?"

I feel like this is where you were when you started posting - engaged, but with no resolution of some major issues. I think I quizzed you on this very topic earlier in this thread.

So, I agree, getting unengaged is painful and confusing. But, if I can find a silver lining, perhaps this will give you two the opportunity to not feel "trapped", and to step back and really reconsider if you have a way of making a marriage work. If not, why be engaged?

I hope this hepls, and I am sorry for the turn of events.

AGG

julieco,
I'm sorry you are in the situation you are in. thank you for sharing your thoughts. I was hoping that he wasn't a control freak. I feel that there is something else I'm not seeing.

AGG,
The 2 issues I have/had are 1.The House and 2. My son who still lives with me (Senior). I cannot justify marrying and moving with him still needing a place to live. I am trying to deal with the house. We just finished re-doing the kitchen. I had picked out wallpaper border for the laundry room and tossed in a couple samples for the bedroom and living room. What more could I be doing at this point? I feel like I was approaching this with a positive attitude. Guess I was not expecting him to call off the engagement. Thought he could give me more time to get things settled with my son.

I can understand if I was stalling because of the house. That may end up being...but for now the issue at hand is my son.

I had every intention of marrying him. I just didn't forsee the house as an issue and my son wanting to live with me when I divorced. He spent the first year with his father.

Now that the engagement has been called off, should I move all my stuff that I have at his house...hutch, corner units, bench, table, clothes - or would this be adding more fuel to the fire? Just not sure - as it seems odd to not be engaged - but back to bf/gf mode with now NO plans for marriage. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

[color:"green"]Diamond,

I don't know what the circumstances were but it seems childish on his part to break off the engagement.

It seems selfish to then ask you to stay in a relationship as BF/GF.

It would be torture to me to be asked to stay in a relationship that has downgraded.

I think personally that there are control issues going on there between the two of you. I would sit down with him and say that if he really didn't want to get married then we should break completely. If he does want to get married, then lets set a date for when son is graduated and gone. Then discuss where you are both going to live.

Honestly, if the commute to work was reasonable, I would consider his house if you like it and it is in a nice area. If my drive was 25 minutes it would be no problem. Having a 90 minute drive is a problem - my situation.

V. [/color]

Sunnyva39,
The more I think about it, the more I've decided to lay low this weekend and just see what happens. I have not seen him since Sunday - hence, he has not seen me without my ring.

I do relate to your comment about it being torture for the relationship to be downgraded.

I think he should have based his decision to dis-engage on the house issue - right now my hands are tied with my son, and there's nothing I can/will do about that. My son has to be the one to suggest moving. I will not ask him to leave.

Thanks for your thoughts.

[color:"green"]Diamond,

He has not called you or spoken to you since Sunday? Did you guys have a big blow out? I wouldn't expect this lack of interaction from a boyfriend - let alone a fiance...

Have you told him plainly that you would set a date for a time after your son was gone?

I'm thinking that while you might have been content to drift and remain in the relationship the way it was (whatever the reason), he might have been stressed thinking that you would never set a date. Setting a date or talking about setting a date would change that for him. He would be more assured of things if you had definite plans.

V. [/color]

I didn't mean to make it sound like we had not been in contact. We have spoken on the phone as we usually do - nothing has changed there. There was no more talk about the dis-engagement.

I did however, send him an email on Monday letting him know my feelings, as I did not think that I could do it in person/telephone. No bashing.

I do agree with the setting of the date. I just have to be sure that I can live in that house - and I have to wait until my son is either back with his dad, or on his own.

I do however, believe that I was making progress with the house issue - I was actually trying to picture myself there...could somewhat. Much more than in the beginning.

Again, I think I'll just lay low and see how things develop over the weekend, as we have made plans for both Friday and Saturday.

Had an interesting conversation Friday at dinner...he sees me as being selfish/only looking out for myself. Asked for an example. This was what I got:
1. 2 years ago I was commuting 50-55 minutes to work one way. I came home, only to find that he wanted to go shopping. I had just driven past the shopping center by 15 or so miles - it was right off the main road. I didn't feel like driving back and then back home. Had he called me on my way home, I would have had no problem with meeting him and his children at the shopping center...but because I refused to go, he thinks that I was being selfish...this has been brought up more than once with him...like he's keeping score.

2. I have refused (thus far) to picking up his children at his xw's home. This is something that could happen in the future - hasn't happend as of yet. Is it not his responsibility? When/if I became comfortable with this, I would then offer...

He said there were more, but couldn't come up with any.
Any thoughts?

Diamond,

I read all your posts and came out of lurking to respond,but it sounds to me like you are being pressured to make things go just how your ex-F wants them too despite your reservations.Being told I am selfish because I am not comfortable with certain things isn't fair or respectful either.

I understand how much your BF likes his home.I am also in the same situation,having a home that I love with kids and not wanting to move and uproot them,etc.But disengaging because he doesn't get his way is sending you a message.If he really loved you and thought of a future with you then he wouldn't do that,in my opinion.It's not "my home or forget you".It's what the other's have said,how can we both prepare for our future together? He has to be sensitive to your son's needs too right now.

And picking up the kids from the ex-wifes's home,I don't know.I wouldn't feel good about that until we were married.That is unless you get along really well with the kids and they like/love you and feel good when with you.What is that relationship like? Has your BF now made the kids sad by this new development?

Also,being disengaged would feel very strange to me at this stage.How do you go back to being engaged again after all this? I think there are problems surfacing that are best observed now then after you got married.

[color:"green"]I think you are allowed to set boundaries in a relationship.

Mentioning something that happened two years ago does sound like keeping score. A control issue.

He just sounds from your descriptions like a passive aggressive or controlling sort of guy.

Picking up his children?! Unless they live close to you or your work, why can't they just wait until he is available? Why would you refuse him if this were a reasonable request?

I think that an understanding partner would be disappointed yet understand about the shopping thing. I know that my BF has often been disappointed by me, yet later is understanding when I explain my motives...

V. [/color]

AmericanBeauty,
Thanks for your coming forward with your thoughts.

(quote)And picking up the kids from the ex-wifes's home,I don't know.I wouldn't feel good about that until we were married.That is unless you get along really well with the kids and they like/love you and feel good when with you.What is that relationship like? Has your BF now made the kids sad by this new development?

I do get along with his kids really well - but I don't feel (at this point) that I would be comfortable picking them up from their mother. It would be slightly out of my way on my way home from work. He would have to basically drive the distance I now drive to work (50-55 minutes). He would only be doing it twice/month. He complains about the drive, but yet, doesn't see where I'm coming from with MY drive. Every day.

I don't think the kids have been told. They vacationed this week with their mother and I haven't seen them since last weekend.

(quote)Also,being disengaged would feel very strange to me at this stage.How do you go back to being engaged again after all this? I think there are problems surfacing that are best observed now then after you got married.

It does seem strange. He wanted me to give him my ring back on Sunday. He wants to re-present it to me...didn't like the sound of that...on again, off again. Said no. I don't think he thought it through in the first place. I think some time now needs to go by. It's very saddening.