nams,
his coming across as harsh and unkind does not happen often...just when it does, it really stings. I agree with the lack of sharing feelings and communication as I too have struggled with this and IMHO have improved greatly...

Counseling has been brought up, but never happened. I have, however, set up counseling for me the first week of July for my own benefit regarding this relationship. If he is open to couple counseling then he may be invited to attend...

He's coming over for dinner tonight and there is more that I want to discuss. I have got to let him know that at this point and with what has happened, that marriage for him and I is no longer something that is going to happen soon if ever. It scares me to death to think that this is the way he actually is and has managed to disguise it so well for so long...I just can't seem to let go of him just yet.

Thanks for all your comments/suggestions.

So,how did dinner go Diamond? I have something to mention but will wait until you respond.Hope you are ok.

AmericanBeauty,
Dinner was ok...a little strained...If nothing becomes of "us" we will remain friends - which on my part would be extremely difficult and not sure if I could do that, but I agreed at the moment (again, if it comes to that).

I informed him of my plans on counseling...he offered to go with me...but for the first few sessions, I am going for just me...

We had a vacation scheduled with his kids and my kids towards the end of July...I am still going with or without him...again, I think I caught him off guard...but I am determined to continue to live my life regardless of whether he is in it or not...he as of yet has not decided if he will go...he just started a new job...

I'm curious as to what you have to mention...I'm waiting! :-)

Hi Diamond,

Well,what I was going to say may not apply.You seem to still enjoy his company here and there.I was just wondering though,even though my ex and I are now D,I wouldn't imagine saying the kinds of things your BF said.You said it stings and I can understand.We never spoke like that to eachother,I'll give my ex credit for that I suppose.I just find what he says to you insulting and hurtful,ultimatums and threats.I would not hesitate to be gone.I know it may be different for you but I am at a stage now,where if I get any flack or threats of any kind from any new Bf's I have in the future,I know I won't take it.I just don't want that kind of dialogue in my life.I am not saying the same should be for you.I just hope I can find someone who will talk things out with me and not toss around hurtful statements.

After being thru what I have,I feel sure I can let anyone go if they aren't just what I need in my life.I'd rather be alone than with someone who hurts me even if it is verbal,and anyway,words do hurt.People need to be respectful and caring of one another,even in disagreements.I just don't like how your bf talks to you,granted it might not be all the time as you say but still,when it does happen,it just makes me think of a huge wall going up,protect mode.You know? Little stab wounds to the heart,making scars. Also when that happens it drives a wedge between you,preventing a true and deep intimacy that can only occur,IMO,when the trust and continued respect and care and love is always there,even in hard times.If a bf or gf is going to,what I consider,bail on you and start making demands or threats when they don't get their way,that to me is a sign of insecurity and lack of maturity.You need to be able to depend on one another.

It is interesting that your bf will go to counseling.What do you think the goals would be? You're not engaged anymore and you will not move into the bf's home so....what next?

AmericanBeauty,
It would be difficult for me to just walk away from this relationship...I know he has his faults, as I do mine - but I can't picture a life without him. He's the best thing that has happened to me -

I'm hoping that with my patience and my showing him respect at all times, he will come around more and be able to talk things out with me...really negotiate...

I'm not sure what the goals for him would be in counselliing...I know for me, it will be coping with whatever the outcome of our relationship...whether we stay together or part...

I just know, that I had every intention of marrying him...just didn't forsee my feelings...

Well, summer came and went...thought things were really improving.

Had my one and only counselling session the first week of July...didn't really care for the counselor, but what she had to say made some sense. One point was that basically within 2-3 sessions, I would know what to do...haven't been back...

Vacation at the end of July went well - his kids and my oldest...I was pondering what to say to get the "discussion" going and without much thought, I blurted out "I know now that I can be happy with or happy without you in my life. We all have choices, opinions, and things we can and cannot live with, and I respect yours just as you should respect mine." Wow, did that open up a whole new can of worms...

A couple of weeks went by and he came back to me and said that he had discussed moving with his kids and that they were now ok with it...Wow...really. What's the catch?

His sister would no longer be building, but would be interested in buying his house, so that we could build on the land (as in previous thread). We have since looked at floor plans and have become extremely excited over the idea of "starting fresh"...

Fast forward back to SQUARE ONE: He would be loosing too much money - as his house appraised for much more than he had discussed with his sister and she cannot afford the cost difference...

He decided he would sell it to her at a loss based on the agreement that if she ever sold the house, she would reimburse him the difference...

This past Wednesday rolled around and he and his son came to my house for dinner...over dinner, he threw out that he felt that he couldn't sell the house at a "loss"...that we were probably just wasting each other's time...why couldn't I just love him enough to move to his house? He left to pick up a few things as his son and I put together a puzzle. He got back and left shortly after that...I have not talked to him since.

I can now picture what could possibly happen if he went back to selling the house, losing the money, starting fresh with me...I would undoubtably not hear the end of it...he would (in my opinion) continually throw it up in my face and this is something that I cannot live with...

I'm at a loss as to what to do...I have come to the conclusion that I am tired of his being wishy washy...I have made myself clear in what I want, and I respect his choice/choices for what he wants...he just needs to be up front and not string me along if in fact, he really DOES NOT want to start fresh...

The reason for this post? Just to vent...

After a lengthy conversation last night, it was made very clear to me that we are in need of taking a break from things and each other...6 months at least.

Neither one of us wants to "budge" as to living arrangements and I am ok with his choice...I'm just tired of the wishy-washiness of the whole thing...including his family...his sister is now "planning" on building on the land...again...

Conversation got a little heated as I told him I could feel that something was just not right, he had been avoiding me for the past week and wouldn't "talk" to me about our situation. He just doesn't want to "date" for the next 10 years and is unwilling to move...and since the land fell thru AGAIN, to him there are no other options as he knows I will not move there. So, I will continue to live in my house - hence, the living arrangement has been solved!

I am trying to remove all my things from his home as he is going to remove the items he has at mine. I know this isn't going to be easy, but at this point, I feel it best.

He knows that I still love him but to continually live with the pressure and guilt that he seems to make me feel, I will choose to be alone.

He seems to think that life should be easy and things should just fall into place...not the case. I'm a person now who knows this and am ready to take on the challenges that life seems to throw out there - and lately I've gotten my share...he apparently is not. He retreats into depression where I on the other hand try to find the good.

Reason for this post? Another vent! :-)

Well, D, at least there's some actual movement & steps taken to DO something. Limbo is a terrible place to live.