My 15 year old daughter is taking this very hard. She's home from school today and missed on Tuesday also. She's not sleeping, has pains in her stomach and has gotten very quiet.

Today my husband told her she could stay home because her stomach hurt and she was crying. He asked me what is wrong with her and I told him, honestly, that it's stress. He was furious. He tried talking to her and I went into my bedroom. He came in before he left for work and asked what both her and I want from him. He seems to be blaming me for what she's feeling. I don't discuss this in front of her but she is 15 after all and not stupid.

I can't bear watching what this is doing to her and I don't know how to protect her.

Iamsolost - I wanted to give you some support and a hug {{{{}}}}!!

This is all so hard on the kids, especially the teenagers. I would encourage you to have an open relationship with your daughter. She needs you and needs to know that you will always be there for her. That her father is going through something right now, but that she will always be loved by both of you.

Also, do not put her in the middle of you and your WH. Never talk badly about her father to her and just try and listen to her. Encourage her to open up to you and talk about her feelings. She also can go to her school counselor and talk to them.

I know this is hard on all of you and I am sure others will be along to offer some support and advice.

All the best!

thanks so much for replying. this is totally tearing me apart watching what this is doing to her. She and I are very close and she used to be close to her dad until this. She told me she is afraid to love him and care about him. I reassure her that it's not about her and that we both will always love her and be part of her life but she doesn't believe he will. He thinks I'm using her to upset him but that couldn't be further from the truth. i would do anything to protect her from this and stop her pain.

This is just a suggestion, but I think it would be extremely important to keep open lines of communication. Often, symptoms such as you are describing are the result of keeping feelings inside. Encourage her to talk about how she feels.

If she doesn't feel comfortable talking to you, there are other options. Suggest journaling, talking with a counselor, or perhaps a family friend or member of your family she feels comfortable with.

Lost is right, it is important not to speak unkind about each other to your daughter. But, keeping her apprised of the facts of the situation or any changes that affect her life directly is important. It is a scary time for her and she is likely afraid of changes that may come and possibly feels like she has no control over her life.

I am not suggesting that you would or have done this, but remember that you daughter is not your confidante. She is still a child and it wouldn't be wise to use her for an emotional sounding board or even a support system. She needs her own support. Have you considered searching for a forum for her? It's very important that she have an outlet for her feelings.

Hi, Iamsolost. My DD is almost 14. And has taken this very hard as well. DD13 and I have been going through this for 2 years. ANd we talk often about what has happened.

And while it would be nice to not talk bad about WH, it has been a very fine line. One of the thing that comes up is lying. Becasue you need to set the example. Do NOT lie to her. And of course they see how hurt you are. So trying to deny that there is a HUGE problem or downplaying it is not a good thing. imho.

I am not saying to go into gory details. But, don't excuse WH's actions.

The other thing I did was set up an appointment with an IC. AND I informed her school. And this I consider very necessary. I have read the stats on how adultery affects especialy teenage girls. And it is critical for you to set up support for her.

And lastly I know how much I want to protect DD13. But really, you can't. SHe will discover on her own that her father is buried inside WH somewhere is might be gone forever. She will find it out if she hasn't already that the choices he makes now and in the future will depend on how far gone he is.

It is heartbreaking. DD13 and I are very very close as well. We have spoken in depth about MB principles. And we are now BOTH in Plan B. DD13 will not enable, excuse or condone his adultery. SHe gave the DOrk a choice. He chose the OMW. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Thanks. She used to be a really out going kid and now she's all closed up. Don't talk to her about anything unless it's something she needs to know or if she brings something up. Even then I walk on eggshells being careful not to say too much or become emotional. She does know I'm upset and she does realize how much our lives are going to change. I have told her that if she doesn't want to talk to me she can talk to her sister (22 years old) or that she can see a counselor. She always replies "no I'm fine" when it's quite obvious she anything but fine. My older daughter just called and said she'll take her out to dinner tonight and try to get her to talk.

This almost feels like too much for me. I fear I'm heading for a breakdown. In 3 motnhs I have lost my father, my husband and my family and now I'm watching it tear my daughter apart.

((((Iamsolost))))

It truly sucks. One disaster after another. And somehow it always seems that the BS is the one that has to be strong for the fmaily, right? My DD also said she was fine. Of course she was not. I cannot tell you what works for your own sitch.

BUt in mine, I insisted she see the IC. I told her that it was her decision to see her father but that to make sure that an outside party heard it from her lips instead of mine, that it would be taken as her choice. (The DOrk is in the military so is in a different city)

I also encouraged her to journal. And when there were outburst, or feeling sick, I sit her down and talk about the stich. ALmost every day. It won't go away. It sucks and it makes me mad as he!! that I have to be strong in a sitch I did not create.

But that is all anyone can do.

But, I do think that even if she talks to OD it will not be enough. She needs some counselling. Really. Someone outside of the sitch to listen to her and also to evaluate her feelings and give her tools to deal with her pain. Believe me when I say it has turned out to be necessary for our future court hearings. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

fightingalone thanks for letting me know I'm not alone in feeling this way. I'm becoming very resentful towards my husband for making this mess that I have to clean up. My daughter told me she hates him and I don't even know what to say to that. I don't even know who this man is any more. It surely isn't the guy who begged me for his turn to feed her when she was a baby, it's not the guy who proudly pushed her stroller around the neighborhood, it's not the man who never wanted his daughters to be hurt. Now he is the one doing the hurting and it's unbearable.

I'm afraid anything I say or do will make it worse for her. I guess I'm just afraid of everything involved in this.

Iamsolost. Oh you are not alone. And you have every right to feel angry. And yes, it is the hardest thing to deal with. My STBXH walked DD for HOURS when she couldn't sleep. He was her HERO. She called him that and told all of her friends she had the best Dad in the world. Now she thinks of him as dead. Only the Dork lives. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

DOn't be afraid! You have NOTHING to be afraid of. I am not the perfect Mom but I am a darned good one. And my daughter KNOWS and BELIEVES nad TRUSTS that I will protect her and even if I don't handle every sitch in the perfect way, at least I TRIED. You must be her role model. You must be her rock. And you must SHOW her how to stand by YOUR principles. Because as Dr Harley says, WS change their values to suit their behaviour. She must not see you condone or enable that at all. imho.


Another thing that worked very well for my DD is that I asked her to email him. Tht way she can tell HIM how he feels. Our IC supported that decision 100%. He said that way she can dircet her anger at the perosn that casued her the pain. (and not AT you as the easiest and safest target)ADN that when she tells her father how she feels it will rlieve some of the built up anger as well.

fightingalone you sound so strong and on the right path. Did your daughter have any problems when you suggested a counselor? My child thinks that my husband is the one that needs a counselor and asked why she would have to go when he is the one with the problem. Sadly, that's logical though he doesn't see it that way.

I am trying so hard to be a good mother through this. I am open and supportive with her. I just don't know what else to do. I can't understand why he thinks it's okay to trash other people, people he claims to love, to have what he wants. My marriage vows were real for me and I wanted this to be forever. I'm learning though, that forever is nothing but a word.