We have been married 36 years and have three adult sons. WW had an LTA that lasted 2-3 years. The OM is an x-neighbor and is a serial predator. The OM’s wife divorced him 14 months ago because of his persistent cheating. They have one adult son. I am at dday + 11 days. I have repressed my hurt and anger with the goal of R. Things are going reasonably well. My WW is moody and I understand why. I am still so close to d-day that my anger and hurt are very strong. My approach is to do everything humanly possible to save this marriage. The rest is up to WW. I am too emotional to make any kind of rational decision about the future, so I plod along day-to-day. How long does it take for the anger and hurt to subside? I welcome comments and insights from WS.

Todd - It takes a lot longer than is comfortable - that's for sure. It helps if you realize that this is not likely about you. Hang in there - it does get better. Lots of us know just how you feel.

Todd, I am so sorry you are here. The feelings you have are a perfectly normal reaction to the greatest betrayal a spouse can commit. The pain and shock won't go away quickly. The average recovery period is 12-18 months IF your WW works hard at repairing the damage she caused.

For example, it will be real important that she end all contact with OM, send a letter of nc to him, answer all of your questions openly and honestly, and open her life up to you. Those are just some of the things that she has to do to repair the damage.

Here is a good article by Dr Harley about overcoming infidelity: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

My WW refuses to answer any more questions I have. When she answered a few questions on d-day, I made the mistake of overreacting to the answers. I decided to delay any further questions until me meet with MC. I insisted on NC. She agreed but I suspect there has been contact but have no proof. I am currently implementing snooping methods to monitor her activities. I have not disclosed but if she breaks NC, I will disclose to the world.

My wife is Latin and was raised with solid values of family, honesty, hard work and faithfullness. Despite these values, her morals broke down. I believe than even though she is in a fog, that she must feel some basic conflicts. She says she wants the marriage to work out. We have a lot invested in our marriage. If I abandon it now, it may be a decision I regret for the rest of my life. So, I plod along with Plan A and hope for the best. If she decides to D, then I can live with myself and tell my sons I gave it my all. That part is important to me.

Tood, good job on monitoring her activity. One thing I would suggest is you ask her to send the OM a no contact letter. This is an important first step in restoring trust and is the least she can do if you are willing to stay with her. Her reaction to this request should be very telling.

And secondly, I understand her reluctance to give you details if you exploded. You will have to assure her that this won't happen again. That being said, she must answer your questions in order for you to recover. She cannot continue to have secrets with the OM to which you are not privy. The MC should support this view, and if she doesn't, then you probably don't have a qualified MC.

Is your MC pro-marriage? Is she experienced in infidelity? Does she respect men? The reason I ask is because many MC are NOT pro-marriage, are utterly useless in the infidelity field and don't respect men.

MelodyLane,

We have not yet selected a MC. My wife was initially against MC but I told her no going forward without it. She prefers to work with a female and that is okay with me. As you say, the key is find a MC who is pro-marriage and can see both sides of this mess.

I have not asked her to write a NC letter to the OM. If my wife breaks NC, I will expose to his family, my family and our friends. I believe that exposure to our adult sons would impact her more than writing a NC letter. She will probably move out after being exposed. If she does, I'll help her pack.

I'm a little on the fence with this one. There is no "right way" to handle the trauma of infidelity, but there can be a wrong way on how you react. Overreacting might consist of physical violence or rash actions that have long term negative effects (divorcing ASAP, destoying personal affects).

Having outbursts is part of our nature. We react to things in different ways based on our preparedness. If you knew about the A well in advance then your reaction would most likely be less emotional and more focused. We all say things we regret, but we say those out of hurt or fear. You had both at the same time.

You also need to ask yourself two very important questions:

What do I want to know? What do I do with the answers?

Remember one thing above all else in regards to this... once she answers your question there is no taking it back. Any questions you ask you better be prepared for the WORST answer you can imagine. Don't hope for what you want to hear, expect what you don't want to hear. Once you look at that then question how bad you really want to know.

It's not uncommon for a WS to not answer questions. In some ways it's a way of them thinking they are protecting the BS and they don't want to see you hurt more than you already are. If she's not answering you then chances are it's an answer that you don't want to hear.

My overreaction was limited to yelling and stomping around the house. It was a spectacle.

I agree that there is information that I do not want to know. She volunteered some things that I didn't ask for and I wish she hadn't. My questions were more along the lines of why she had the affair, how could she hurt me and what was it about the OM that appealed to you. The last question was a mystery because I know the OM. Why him is still a jigsaw puzzle. I am normally a calm man. It takes a great deal for me to blow my temper. When I do, I am like an eruption from Mt. Vesuvius. I handled it poorly but it will never happen again. That's why I will ask no more questions until we are both in front of the MC.

Trust me I say this, but a lot of people here are familiar with those questions. The big problem is that there is a good chance that you will not get any answer that will satisfy you. You're hurting and it doesn't matter what you hear... it's still betrayal.

I can tell you that as time goes on and recovery is in motion that the two of you (along with MC/IC) will make sense of things. You may find why she did those things had to do with her EN's not being met. I'm not saying that this justifies her actions (because they don't), just that it will make more sense and allow you to focus on what your marriage needs to prosper.

As always, the WS will come up with petty excuses in the beginning as to why the A started, but eventually she'll discover some things about herself that may lead to the truth. At the same time you'll see where you dropped the ball and how you could have worked less, spent more time talking to her, not being consumed with your hobbies, or whatever. Regardless, you two need to relearn how to cherish your marriage as you did on your wedding day.

"You may find why she did those things had to do with her EN's not being met."

I have read many of the articles here at MB and I am currently reading the book Surviving an Affair. I know the party line about EN's not being met.

Let's start with the premise that all marriages have issues. There is no marriage in which all EN's are being met all the time. By this definition, all marriages are at risk of infidelity by either partner. So, when a spouse is attracted to someone else, has the opportunity and acts on that opportunity, there is infidelity. What about the BS who didn't cheat? During our marriage, there have always been times when all my EN's were not being met. Have I ever been attracted to someone else? Yes. Was there opportunity? Yes. I did not have an affair, however. Why the different response on the part of my WW and me?

OK, get out the 2x4's.

There's no "reason" why she strayed and you didn't. You're right...ALL marriages have the risk of infidelity. In this case, it happened. Was there something that made your marriage more vulnerable than others...something that made your wife more susceptible to falling into an affair than you...maybe.

Or maybe not.

You can't make sense out of the illogical friend. Right now, your best bet is focusing on what's wrong now...and working on healing your marriage. My wife strayed...I didn't. Why her and not me? Dunno. But I do know that I've got no plans to do so in the future, nor do I want to have a marriage where she'll feel like doing it again. So my focus has been on fixing my marriage...no looking to answer questions that are pretty nebulous at best.

No 2x4 here. I asked the same question... why did I say "No" to two VERY obvious opportunities and yet she said "Yes"? You can ask that question till you're blue in the face, but chances are that any answers you get just won't be the one that makes sense.

My FWW says she wishes she was stronger like me and that she would have said no. She says that she never intended for any of this to happen. I believe her. But if you read my signature it pretty much speaks for itself.

Owl,

There was something in our marriage she was trying to escape. I was ill for a few years. My doctor could not determine what was wrong. Finally I changed doctors and was diagnosed with a brain tumor. When I initially asked my WW why she cheated, she said she was lonely and that her friends told her I was dying. That doesn't sound like a good reason to cheat. I don't want sympathy; I am past that point. I just want to understand why she deserted me when I needed her the most.

Hopeful4future,

Yeah, your sig hurts. I did everything wrong when I found out about my wife's affair. I yelled, called her miserable names and treated her like [email]cr@p.[/email] I even ended up having a ONS myself. I still get angry, but not about my wife's affair anymore. I get angry about my own infidelity and the fact I wasn't a really good husband BEFORE her affair, yet tried to act like a "saint" when I found out about her wrongdoing just because I didn't physically go outside our marriage. I refused to look at myself. As stupid as it sounds I thought the ONS would alleviate my pain, and yea the BS pain is terrible. The only thing it actually taught me was how bad the WS pain is as well.

So yea your sig hurts to read, but I also do believe mine and my wife's future actions will continue to define us just as our previous ones did before.