I said on Hope’s thread:
[color:"blue"]The energy that was released on your M and your life when your WW started all of this will soon come to rest on her shoulders. It’s like a nuclear bomb going off underground. You can’t see it, but the energy has to go somewhere. I liken that to an A. You can’t see much of it, but the energy that is unleashed will definitely come to bare on all of the triangulated members.[/color]

Then mywifeilove asked what I meant about it. (Didn’t want to hijack your thread Hope!)

What I mean by this is that the resulting energy that is wrought upon the A stricken M couple has to go somewhere. With the coping skills that you learn here at MB you can REDIRECT that energy into something positive; ergo preventing worse damage occurring to your person mentally than you would just sitting there and taking it like a punching doll.

Harley gives us the tools to break up the A (which are excellent IMHO) and he does this by redirecting all of the BS’s natural inclinations to be negative and apply all those same energies into positive only affects on the WS. If you don’t practice this redirection then what you have left is your average D with embittered warring STBXS’s.

My point is that once the atomic bomb gets detonated in your mind and in your M you have a small opportunity to redirect that energy and keeping it from annihilating you mentally. And even when you have your “shield” up and know it’s coming there’s still one he!l of a blast that goes off in your life. Learning the dynamics of A’s is a huge help for us BS’s.

The poor self destructing WS never has this opportunity during the worst of the A throws and stays in the chain reaction of the event until it has completely burned itself out of fuel.

They end up eventually baring the brunt of the devestation from the A during recovery. It’s not uncommon during all of the efforts for the BS to re-examine their lives and come out of this a totally different type of person. You still have the same morals and everything it’s just that you have a different appreciation for life and learn how to be more satisfied internally. This leaves the WS playing catch up a lot in the self-growth department. The BS really grows up a lot from all of this crap.

So, being that knowledge is power, the BS that has knowledge of A mechanics while it is happening has a chance to take SOME control of how the event shapes their lives. The WS does not learn how to do this very often until after all the damage has been done. Even the ones that end up on the recovery forum where I spend most of my time spend months and months trying to come to terms with what they did. It’s self entitlement on steroids in most cases. We usually help them to get to a good place eventually though.

I’ll give them this much… once they get here most of them do eventually see the light. Then R mostly sits on the shoulders of the BS IF they have active participation from the FWS. That’s another thread though.

All this makes me think about how much I love my W and that if I was going to "have" to play a part in all of this I'd pick this side to keep her from having to go through everything that I have. How could I ever tell her I loved her more than that?

Just my thoughts and I’m in no way a success story yet. It may not make any sense to you. Let me know if it does.

Plank.

---- interruption ----

Staying in character, this would be "Plank's Constant"?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

"Plank's First Law of Thermomarriage Dynamics"?

Naw, that's all redneck for this is messed up [censored].

And of course one needs to include the "uncertainty principle" in all of this. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

JL

Thanks, Plank, for your detailed response!! Each piece that MB member give me is one more to add to the 1000 piece puzzle. I think I have about 40 pieces now!!! Still don't see the whole picture, but chunks hear and there!!

But seriously, learning the dynamics of A's certainly helps the BS out. Just wish there were guarentees with the MB pricipals.

Awesome post Plank. I hope you don't mind, but I quoted a paragraph of yours from your Honesty thread in the NC letter to my wife. You've got a way with words.


FN

Fourthnail,

I’m glad my words may have helped you express yourself. I’ve found that happens a lot here on MB. Sometimes I can sit and think and can’t even express to myself mentally what I’m feeling but I know it’s there none the less. Then wham something I read or talk about will just manifest itself to be able to convey some or most of what I’m really feeling.

I’ve found the English language feeble and near useless trying to express myself over all of this A crap.

I’m sorry for what you are going through. I gather from the tone of your typings that you are a strong person. You will come to cherish that aspect of your person in the coming months.

My W just re-enrolled in Classmates.com not long ago. Now you have me scratching my balding spot. Part of me thinks no way in the world, the other part thinks… why would she want to talk to all of those folks from her past.

I read all of your story. It looks like you have a great opportunity to work with seeing how your FWW moved back home after having been out already. That may be of some adhesive quality in the near future for you. Plan A your butt off and meet those EN’s!

BTW FN, thanks for your service to our country. I’m not sure if many people do that, but I for one appreciate your sacrifices and efforts for the rest of us non-military.

FWIW the OM in my situation was in the Army and recently came back home to find that his fiancé had cheated on him so I guess he did the only thing that an honorable freshly cuckolded person could do and did the same thing to me. Or that at least is how the story goes.

Best of luck in your recovery!
Plank.