Post deleted by hurtingterribly

Tell him you can't make that promise...anymore than he feels comfortable making a promise to you to come home and work on the marriage without some kind of time limit on it.

Be honest with him...tell him that you're not going to promise him that...because you truly don't know what the future holds for you, and you may HAVE TO reveal this information.

And don't back down no matter what he threatens. Perhaps let him know very clearly that you WILL reveal all of this if he doesn't end his affair NOW.

MB doesn't suggest ultimatums...but I didn't completely follow the MB guidelines either.

Tell him if he needs that decision in an hour then go ahead and file. He needs to prove himself to you before you can make any promises to him. After all, what does he really know about promises? He obviously can't seem to abide by his own.

Then again if you want to join his merry band of nare do wells, make a promise then break it later. I personally couldn't live with myself if I did this. Could you?

Actually...you should consider exposing all of this NOW...before he goes to everyone and puts a spin on it to make the A all of your fault.

The promise he's asking for is SO THAT he can lie to you.

If you give him a definite time frame and do not have confirmed and confirmable NC as well as a full committment to follow-through with the plan, then all your WH is doing is watching the clock.

Ask him what he's giving YOU. I know his response is that he's "working on the marriage" for you, but you can say he should be doing THAT for the kids.

If he wants to out himself to his friends, then you let him... but do it first.

Here's the thing, you really don't have anything to lose at this point, and you probably have a lot to gain by exposing him to his family. He'll be REALLY p-o'd at you, and he may storm out, but if his fantasy world comes crashing in on him, then all the sudden restoring his reputation by doing the right thing might look like an option. If he tells, what he will tell is how you've been a horrible wife and he just couldn't take it anymore... It will ALL be your fault. That's what ALL WSs say.

Long story short - making a promise not to tell is enabling him, and therefore, the counseling is going in one ear and out the other, so your "giving counseling a try" isn't going to work, and in the end, he's just going to say, "See, I tried counseling, and our situation wasn't fixable!"

Don't let him off the hook that easily. If he wants to say he tried counseling, then you make sure he's really trying.

That's just my 2-cents... I could be wrong (but don't tell anybody, please!)

God Bless!

I agree with the rest of the posters. Do not promise him anything. He is not willing to give your marriage a try when he is still keeping the OW and wants a time limit on working on the marriage, so he can pretend he worked on it just so you won't tell. He is playing with you, and preassuring you to conform to his desires. Do not let him play with you. I would expose his A if he doesn't leave the OW.

*** Post deleted based on new POJA related to feeling uneasy if I were to post on message boards where some responses are from either sex, also guessing spouse would feel disrespected if private family concerns were posted ***

Exposure is the biggest weapon in your arsenal of busting the affair.
He is trying, desperately, to disarm you. He is totally freaked out by exposure b/c he knows it will ruin his little fantasy.
Don't be beguiled into believing that you need to make this promise. Rather, make him promise to go to NC, and work on the M. Anything less is unacceptable, and is your hill to die on.
All Blessings,
Jerry

Post deleted by hurtingterribly

Warning: I am retired military, Irish, and a Texan. Those are integral parts of my being and I freely admit they’ve probably made me a tad prone to be confrontational. I’ve learned to live with them and they no longer bother me in the slightest. I call spades by their less attractive name of shovels. Be warned you probably won’t like what I say here. Don’t read any further if you can’t handle tough love.

I'm with Owl. You came to MB to get advice on ending the adultery your husband is engaged in. I suggest you use Dr. Harley's principles to bomb that infidelity into unrecognizable shards. You haven’t even started to save your marriage yet, and your chances are quickly slipping away.

Your husband says there will be no possible chance to reconcile if you expose. That’s what they all say. I think it’s in the second paragraph on page one of the Wayward Spouse Handbook. The first paragraph probably contains admonitions to claim “we’re just friends.” That your husband parrots the line from the handbook probably means nothing but even if it does, exactly what difference will it make? You think you have a marriage now? Sorry, a marriage is between one man and one woman and there’s a third person intruding in between the two of you. You won’t have a marriage in two months if you keep going down the path you’re headed now

Lady, you need to expose now and do a nuclear job on it. You made a deal with him for two-months (8 lousy counseling sessions) in exchange for a warm, soft continued fantasy with his partner in adultery? What? Hey, I want to sell you some land just off the coast of Florida…and there’s that bridge in Brooklyn I’ve been trying to get rid of. You’ve given him notice that all he has to endure is two months of bs’ing a counselor and then he’s home free. HUH?

Not only should you NOT make this obscene promise to him, you need to get proactive with your program to expose, get your Plan A ready, and start saving your family. My thoughts are with you and I sincerely wish you the best of everything.

Interesting.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I give up. If Dr. Harley actually said that, I don't understand any of his principles. Would someone point out the area in Surviving An Affair that will help me make sense of this new information?

what Dr. Harley told you about not exposing because your H says he wants a divorce now and won't give her up shocks me....i was in this situation also.......and everyone's advice was to expose. I spoke to Jennifer harley only after I exposed but my H was living with the OW by then AND had told me that he wanted a divorce and one of Jennifer's first questions to me was....you HAVE exposed right?

again.....this is surprising advice to me.

did he explain his reasoning?

That's one of the first things your WH threw out the window to start his slide into an A. Are you willing to throw it out too?


First of all, WS's are NOTORIOUS for faking NC. You have no assurance that one month is going to 1- assure NC regardless of what he promises...he is a WS and you can't trust what he says in regards to the A!!!

2nd - a month of counseling is not very much.

Let's assume that he actually does stay in NC with OW and that he goes to counseling.

Are you prepared to give up at that point? One of your strongest weapons against the affair is exposure. If you've promised to not expose for a measly month of very doubtful NC and counseling you have cut your chances significantly.

He is bargaining with you.

One bargains when they are afraid and need something.

Promising to not expose is only going to fuel the affair. It gives him and OW some false sense of security and ensures the fun and excitement of the secrecy as well as limiting any embarassment of continuing in the affari.

If he was serious about NC and couseling he wouldn't be playing Let's Make a Deal.

FIM

IF Dr. Harley said that now was not the time to tell, I would defer to his experience.

I do think a conditional promise such as "I won't tell so long as (a) you go NC in a confirmable manner, and (b) you remain in counseling with me," might work.

If he's pushing for a 2-month time-limit, agree to amicably re-visit that discussion in 2 months.

This may not be agreeable to him, but it may be something that can be worked on to give you sufficient time to get him to leave the fog... He's going to be in the fog for a while after NC is established, so don't let him maintain contact.

You may also get him to agree to an automatic renewal of the agreement... such as if there is identifiable positive movements in you and your ability to meet his ENs then he WILL continue to work on the M. Don't let him get off the hook if he doesn't "feel" like staying married to you after 2 months... you can't do much about his feelings, but you can manage your actions.

Just some thoughts for ya.

God bless!

reallllllllllllllly

"go fly a kite" .... pops into my head immediately ... but methinks "NO can do" is better.

You could ask him how he would recognize such a beast, and/or you could ask what use he, of all people, would have for truth, promises, or committments...

I do say... it is rather audacious for a cheater to ask for such a thing.

Post deleted by hurtingterribly

But guess what, I don't think that he will have any chance of seeing any possibity for your marriage as long as he is in contact with her. Your marriage won't stand a chance at recovery as long as there is contact. I don't think that marriage counseling works as long as there is contact.

Maybe SH thought differently in your case?

I would want to expose before he has a chance to himself.

I understand that you are in a difficult predicament.

You may have to let him go be with her full time then after the bubble bursts and the A has been exposed time will tell how long they last. (unless the cancer takes her first) It sounds like he is in a major knight in shining armour type A. He is in luuvvve.

I doubt that his A is unique. He just thinks it is special.

I agree with the others...how can a liar and cheat expect you to keep your promises since he hasn't been able to keep his? Double standard?

I guess I am not much help. Sorry.

***He's here now and wants a true promise and committment that I will never tell anyone if he follows through on the counseling for 2 months-bearing in mind he wants to keep the OW.***

So, let's get this straight --

He wants to be married to you

And have a girlfriend on the side

While insisting that you agree to this arrangement

And protect his girlfriend

And keep her a secret

And never complain

Or else he'll divorce you.

Now, please tell me what part of that sounds normal and reasonable to you?

Do you have a plan for what you will do to keep yourself occupied while he's with her?

Read a book? Go to a movie? A little gardening, perhaps?

I know you want to keep your marriage, but HT, are you willing to sell your soul for it?

Do you really think that if you throw your integrity out the window *now* it will be worth it in the long run if it lets you "win back" your marriage at some point in the future?

I'm afraid that is what you think -- but all you will be doing is teaching your WH that he can bully and threaten you anytime and you will shut up and go along with whatever he wants, even something as outrageous as being married and keeping a girlfriend on the side.

Because that's just what you're about to agree to, isn't it?
Mulan