THis is funny! I had to call XH today to find out if he has my DS10 BC. I was civil and we were not on the phone more than 3 min. I asked him if he could bring the BC tomorrow when he picks the boys up for dinner...

About 30 min later I get a call on my cell phone from "XH" it rings 2 x and they hang up...OK...a minute later I get a call from a "PRIVATE" caller...I answered and they hang up on me...

I asked XH if he called me this morning when I saw him in court today...he said NO! I told him someone did...

he proceeded to tell me that he'd appreciate me NOT CALLING him anhmore as it UPSETS the OW and he just doesn't need that right now! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> ummmm, OK

Let me get this right...I am the mother of your children, I need to call you about THEM and the OW is upset about that

YUP!!! He said he's getting blamed for everything and he just doens't need that...WOW...WOW...WOW

soooo, I have been told NOT To call the father of my children regarding my chioldren that if I want to talk to him to call him at the OFFICE or call his secretary!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

WOW!!! WOW!!!

I dont know why, but I am still in shock over this...why is she so upset about me caling my XH about HIS children!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Cause she's insecure and controlling?

Sorry, he's a Dad, 24/7, not just during office hours.

Why would you be in shock? This is typical OP behavior. She wants him all to herself.

What she doesn't understand is that she doesn't get to choose. XH has children who (get this) have a MOTHER. Go figure.

Only piece of advice I can give is to choose your battles. You will need to contact him on occasion for important issues regarding the kids. He and OW will come to accept that in time. Other than that, I would sit on the trivial stuff until you reach him at the office.

In my case, constant calls and pages from the X bordered on harrassment and I had to insist that it stop. My DD and I could not have a moments peace for the phone ringing off the hook for trivial matters.

I suggest that you and your XH discuss (again) how best to communicate (post D) especially when the children are concerned. You've got to have a mutual agreement on that.

He has suggested calling him at work. That's a start. Instead of getting upset, discuss it further. You should be able to call him at home or even page him if the matter warrants his immediate attention. It will get easier with time and things will loosen up.

It might not hurt the two of you to also attend a co-parenting class. It was required in my state.

If I were you, I would be so tempted in a few weeks to call the house when he's not there and when she answers say, "Oh I'm sorry. Silly me, I guess I hit the wrong number on speed dial. I just have a few more things to say to him this afternoon or I'll just talk to him at the regular time tomorrow." Then she'll wish she'd never said tell her not to call there. It'll drive her crazy wondering how often you speak at work and what about.

LOL...funny! he doesn't have a homne number...only a cell number and for a LONG time he refused to give me that number and now I know why!

The man just does not get it and I dont think he ever will...he does not understand that we are CO parents of these children and if I want to talk to him I will talk to him. she just needs to get over it...

I dont think he can stand up to her...I dont undrstand how he can honeslty take this from her....I mean telling him it is not OK for me to call him! WOW!

If I was with someone and they told me that it is not ok for my XH to call regarding my children, then I dont think I could really stay with them.

He looked me straight in the face and said "you dont need to be caling me, it upsets her" Oh MY GAWD!!!! Poor baby!

why is she threatened by me? They just dont get it that I dont care about that man anymore...I DONT CARE...I have better things to care about than him at this moment in life. Does she think I want him back...or does she think he will leave her for me...

once a cheater always a cheater, right...or does she think that I am an OW now...wow! if that's it, she needs help...

He also mentioned that it is just to fresh for her...maybe later or in the future she can get over everything, but right now its just too fresh!

Wait a minute...too fresh??? she's the one who cheated WITH HIM..I didnt' cheat with him...she did...

Is this just a vent or do you have a compromise to discuss to your XH?


Selfish demands are not going to get you far. It's obvious that emotions are still raw between the two of you. He has suggested a talk time. Start with that and work up from there.

There are going to be times when your XH and/or the OW tell you 'no'! YOU are going to have to get over it.

mf4m, you are still facing fog head ex. What do you expect ?. If you read WAT's situation, his exW is still in it too. It is hard but we have to refocus to our kids and let go dealing with ex until they are ready.

-rh-

If she didn't want to have to deal with her "boyfriend's" ex-wife and their children, then she shouldn't have gotten involved with him. I'm sure the quote you made on Dr. Phil when you saw her picture still rings in her ears. She's got to be intimidated beyond belief and now that he's free, he's not married to her.

Given that, I don't think MF4M should tailor the care of her children to suit either one of them. If she needs to contact him, then she needs to contact him. It's obvious that MF4M is not interested in this person (couldn't bring myself to type man) and her intentions are nothing other than the care of her boys who have special needs. Telling her to live within the bounds of their sick relationship and the damage they both have inflicted on the innocent is poor advice. I don't call seeing to the care of three children, "selfish demands." Any reasonable person would understand that both parents are equally responsbile for these children.

These adults made their own bed, now let them deal with it. It's not MF4M's responsibility to adjust her life and her son's lives to suit their insecurities and allieviate conflict between the two of them! Good grief..

THank jph and rh...ba, I dont recall saying anything to the sort of him wanting to have a "talk" time...and I dont haveiany intersest myself in haveing a talk time with him....I dont find it necessary for me to "get over anything"...

These people just dont get it that I dont care about them...I care about my boys and only them and of their needs and yes they do have a father and yes that father happens to be this woman boyfriend...

She didn't take into consideration that yes I will always be here in the background because of the boys and because of their father...IF the father does not want to deal with the insecurities of his girlfriend then he has a few choices

a. leave the boys
B. leave the OW

For now he is choosing to see the boys at the bare minimum so he does not have to deal with her antics.

I think it is very immature of her and it does speak volumes about what sort of person she is to even have the gall to suggest to him to tell me not to call. I mean if I had a boyfriend and he had kids and I told him I didn't like it when his XW called him...WOW

I was here before she was and so were my kids...she needs to deal with it...

I think you misunderstood my post...yes I will call him when I want to regarding the kids...I have no interest to speak to him and wisper sweet nothings in his ear...

Read Lemon's sig ... They never get it. :P. It is still about them. Refocus being a single parent ... If Dad makes it difficult leave him alone, he waived his parenting right. You can't make dad co-parent if he doesn't want to.

I give up along time ago to deal with fog.

-rh-

Mom:

For someone who doesn't care what your xH and the OW think or do, you're sure burning a lot of calories rehashing their antics.

And you did say that if you WANT 2 talk 2 him, you WILL.

I'm with ba109 on this one. Find a compromise arrangement for communicating with xH when you NEED 2, but if you truly don't want 2 live the drama of the OW and xH and their antics, don't call him except at work or in an emergency.

Cogitate for a moment. Your DV'd and they're living 2gether? Statistically, they have a 3-5% chance of still being 2gether in 5 years (or maybe it's 4 left, now?). The train may still be wrecking. Do you want 2 participate in derailing it? What if they break up? Do you want xH 2 be wanting 2 reconcile with you after what's gone down 2 date?

I doubt you do, but I could be wrong. Regardless, however, you'll feel better in 4 or 5 years about your role in their lives 2gether if you don't have one.

-ol' 2long

I didn't misunderstand. I know you don't want to whisper in his ear. You want an open line of communication to your XH 24/7 and you don't like being told that you can't have it.

If you aren't willing to discuss a compromise with him then you aren't willing to become a good co-parent.

OK...let me explain something...I have called that man ONE TIME since August...and that was two days ago...I called him to aske him if he had my sons bc...I was told by him at court not to call him anymore unles it has to deal with an emergency cuz it upsets the OW...it is not like I am calling him everyday about anything...I have no intentions of calling him as he has made it clear he does not want to hear anything anbout the kids, good, bad or anything in between unless it is an emergency...

I am starting to realize he just does not care and I cant change that..I know...

It IS hard for me to get the fact that a parent can do this to their children...just cut them off...nt want to know about what theyare doing etc...THAT iswhat I do not get...

however, I do not plan on calling him again...

Last night he showed up to the house to get all his stuff that was awarded to him during the dvorce...I gave him a birthday invitation for DS10 for next saturday, his weekend withem...He told ME thatDS10 willnot be going toit...I said "OK...why not" he said because it as during the last birthday pary we were coming back from tghat I got into that accident and they dont need to be doing anthing when they are with me" WOW!

he also said it is not up to ME but up to HIM if they do things...true...so basially he holds the kids hostage in that house when they are with him...not letting them see their friens, etc...

He has made it clear he will not allow them to do things with others on HISTIME...

while he was getting his stuff from the house, it was takng a long time...DS10 came up and hetold him to "GET BACK IN THE CAR" DS10 said he was tired of waiting he yelled back to get in the car...I told him nt to talk to him that way..he turned to me and said "SHUT THE F UP...they are on MY TIME and you dont tell them what to do"

my son heard this...

I hate the fact they have to sped time with him...I believ he is neglectful...he does not brush their teeth and allows them to watchmovies such as Jason vs. Freddie and leaves the room to go watch something els with OW...there is a naked scened in the movie and DS5 told daddy about it and daddy went into the room and watched the scene th them....

OW son who is 12 is allowed to DRIVE a car and play violent games on the PS2...I realize I cannot and do not tell him what he can and cannot do with them...however this really bothers me as I believe it is bordering on neglect....

I do not respect that man at all...I think he is a sorry excuse for a human being and he has a major personality disorder going on...He speaks horribly to me in front of the boys..they do not have any other example for them and so they, especially DS10 now speaks terribly towards me...he treat me just as his fatrher does...It's an everyday battle...

I pity Ed...I think he has a lot of problems and willnever be a happy man...I hope he does stay with OW and he can find happiness...

THe reason this is bothering me so, is due to the fact that I have called him once and I am now told not to call the father of my children anymore...and I wonder how a HUMAN bein can believe this is rightand how he can warrant this behavior...that baffls me...

youre right...some people just dont get it and never will get it and he is one of those pepeple...h will never care about anyone but himself...ever! I am afraid!

tsk tsk!

MF4M..planning a birthday party for your son on the weekend that he's supposed to go to this father's is very passive aggressive. You should not have done that and you shouldn't handed him an invitation. What are you to do then, tell your son the party is off because of Daddy? That's cruel.

If the kids forget something at his house, have them call him. He is right, his time is his time. I know it's heart breaking to know that they're not getting the excellent care they get with you.

It is wrong that he speaks to you so horribly. Don't go around him. When he comes for them, wait at the door as they walk to the car. Don't give him an opportunity to model bad behavior to his sons.

It's disgusting that all this was thrust upon you and you have to allow your sons to walk into their mess, but it won't kill them to see what getting oneself into an unwise situation and the consequences that follow. They'll learn more from that than the conflict that arises when you try to stop it. Because after all, you know there's not a thing you can do about it. I hope they have memories of Mom being an honorable person who did her best in bad situations than memories of Mom and Dad always fighting.

I was under the impression that the son was invited to a friends birthday party, not that MF4M planned a party?

ETA: in that case I think the Dad should bring him, provided there were no other plans made. JMO.

Cyl...you're right. I misread what she posted. My apologies MT3B.

MT3B, It's been a heck of a long time since I've read any threads about you. But, I have thought of you often.

I'm not surprised that you are divorced. That man, from the little I saw/heard of him, was just God awful. You are better without him.

And reading this continuing drama is troubling. I saw the dysfunction that your boys were dealing with during the affair (on tv), and now I hear of all of this crap.

One phone call since August does not a stalker make. Ridiculous you should be called on that. And, OW doesn't like it!!!!! Geeeezzz. Sounds like Ed is dealing with his own personal ****** now, sleeping in a bed that he happily made himself. I fear that OW will eventually receive the same treatment that you had to put up with. Poor woman.

Anyway, a little bird told me that you have an interest in another man. If that is true...GO FOR IT. And if it is not true, you are rid of a very dysunctional man in your life. He was pitiful to watch on tv. I wanted to shake some sense into his pea brain (sorry, I know he is a Dr...I know he has a high IQ...but some things just ain't judged by IQ...and he lost it on the "campassionate scale").

I'm so glad to hear an update on you Kandi. I've wondered about you often.

My decree spells out who has the children when and that our schedules are to take into consideration the children's planned/scheduled activities. That way, birthday parties and soccer games are on the schedule no matter who has the child. If their dad has them for the day or the weekend and one of these activities is planned, the child goes. Same when it's my day with them. Period. End of discussion.

Not that he always took them to the psychologist or speech pathologist during his weeks with them. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Cinderella, I hope that MT3B reads your post. It only makes common sense that their lives are not upset because they have a weekend with a parent who doesn't care about keeping things "normal".

I really didn't like Ed from what I saw on tv, and from his responses (wishy washy) on this site. I'm not surprised he is being difficult.

And, I'm not surprised that his OW is acting jealous. She knows exactly what Ed is capable of.

MT3B....while reading your posts, something just hit me as important.

Did I read it right that you are not supposed to call him at home, but you have to call his secretary? Here is my dilema on that...

If Ed runs his own practice, and he pays the secretary out of his own money, then I guess that is okay (in terms of business ethics...even if it is silly....and the secretary is not there in the evenings when Kids Issues might come up).

But, if Ed is hired by a practice, or by a hospital, and the secretary is NOT Ed's employee, then he has no right at all to ask her to be the go-between for you and him.

NOT ETHICAL.

But then again, Ed's behavaiour has been a handbook on unethical behaviour.

Sounds like Ed is cowering under the influence of a very controlling girlfriend. Wonder if he's now wondering if he made the right decision? Too late if he thinks that way, too late. Bed made/lie in it comes to mind.