Post deleted by hurtingterribly

U did quite well. As much as it hurt to read, it is better than seeing a BS grovel at the feet of the WS. That isn't love, it's the fear of loss. The sad part is losing a WS isn't a bad thing. Letting the WS keep one's spouses soul is.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Keep up the good work. Quite proud of you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

BTW, I would consider plan B. No more nice dinners and the like. He wants the OW, let her do the work for it. Doing things for a WS is not pleasurable. It's torture.

take care,
L.

Congratulations, HT. I think you did okay. The bargain was all one-sided...there was absolutely nothing for you in it. It's curious. Didn't he threaten to do some self-exposing if you wouldn't agree to the deal? I didn't see anything in your post that he actually did.

Now, while you didn't lose ground on busting up the affair, you didn't gain anything either. It's still going on and there is NO chance the situation will change unless you get proactive and start working on getting your husband and your marriage back. I hope you will review worthatry's thread on exposure and start the ball rolling.

As far as being there when he comes to see the kids, you BET you are there! He needs to see you and the children are a "package deal," if you will. You are a family and he needs to see that AND see what he is throwing away with his poor choices.

Post deleted by hurtingterribly

Good job on not giving into his ultimatum. I know it isn't funny now, but some day you will laugh at how insane his threat was of only being willing to work on the marriage if he gets to keep his girlfriend. How can one work on a marriage if they have a girlfriend? And that is exactly why he doesn't want you to expose, he KNOWS it will ruin his affair.

An affairee is like a crack addict in a crack house. Exposure is turning on the light and bringing people in the house. No crack head wants to smoke crack in the full view of others; it is embarrassing. It ruins the fantasy world by allowing reality to come in.

Just be prepared for him to rewrite history in order to justify the affair. He will make you out to be the bad wife and this pushed him to his affair. This is classic FOGESE that we hear on here every day. When the affair ends and sanity is restored, this will go away.

As far as him taking the kids out of the house, I would make it crystal clear that your children are not to meet his OW. They should never ever be dragged into his sleazy affair. Watch out for this, ht, because it is pretty common for a WS to use the kids to "normalize" their affair and give it a false air of respectibility by introducing them to the OP.

You sound much calmer and much more in control today! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

p.s. can you please post in paragraphs? Your posts will be much easier to read. Thanks.

What kind of cancer does the OW have? If she has cervical cancer, she almost certainly has HPV and you should be checked for it too.

Good for you, sticking to your guns. You should be proud of yourself.

You know, I am quite sure you are right. And if he threatens to expose himself again, you would diffuse him if you took him up on that offer. ["go for it, honey!" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />] Just think about his threat, ht: "if you don't promise to not expose me I will expose myself!!" WOW, is that some towering logic or what?? lol <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

See how good you are at this when you are calm and collected? You did an outstanding job last night! Being calm and collected is an enormous advantage in this battle.

Good for you! Don't play his game and don't let yourself be blackmailed. Would he be alright with you having OM on the side while you decided whether or not you wanted to be married to him? Makes me want to be like Cher in the movie moonstruck when she smacks him across the face and yells "snap out of it".

Sorry I digress, but I just get so hot about the disrespect. I would be home when he is with the kids but I wouldn't kiss up to him. Be yourself but keep your boundries in place. Let him know you won't be his doormat. You are a strong woman, let him see that. Let him see what he is giving up.

I agree with the advise about not letting him introduce your kids to OW. It puts them in an awkward position and also lends legitimacy to the relationship.

Keep up the good work, stand up for yourself and your family.

Post deleted by hurtingterribly

While you sort through this painful mess, having the wherewithall to get "tested" for everything is a smart move.

Shows some wit.

Lem

I'm glad to hear that you are going to make him own his adultery, and if you get a divorce, it will be on your terms.

I would go further - I would file if I were you.

If you file, you're in the driver's seat. You control the clock, so you can make him twist in the wind while the A comes out into the light and he has to face everyone with it. You also control the venue. If he's domiciled in another state, that state may be more favorable to him.

So... FILE. File on the grounds that you have, which are NOT "no-fault" So far, what I can see is that you've got "abandonment" or "desertion" (depending on your state) and you've got adultery. Use'em both. This way, his dirty laundry becomes public record immediately.

I don't know if I can emphasize this enough - you NEED to be in the driver's seat if you aren't ready for a D just yet. You need to talk to your attorney, and see if you can file, and then sit on it. Most states will let the plaintiff sit on the case for up to a year. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

ALSO, and I almost forgot this: If you start the proceedings, you can be awarded sole physical custody pending litigation, and use and occupancy of the family home. What this will do is make it trespass for him to enter the property without your permission, AND it will make it so that if your H decides to go somewhere with the kids, you can send the police after his butt. Right now, without a court order of any kind, he could could pick up the kids and take them across the country, and you couldn't say jack about it until you establish that he poses some grave risk to them. GET THE COURT ORDER! And do it now!!!!

I've gotten things a little out of order. YOU did a marvelous job. You were strong and pleasant. AWESOME. Cognitively, your WH saw this but it didn't register. Maybe it will at some point. Don't worry about that. The point is that for yourself, YOU were a good person and YOU made the right decision.

Also, since HE didn't agree to your proposed and reasonable negotiation terms (i.e. "Gimme 6 months of NC and counseling, and I won't tell.") then there's NO reason for you to not tell.

At this point, since he's already out of the house, and intent on being with the OW, I would bust his world. I would file. I would get full custody immediately, at least pending litigation, and I would EXPOSE. Think of it this way... he HAD a chance to minimize the exposure, and HE blew it.

Do not let him out of sight with the kids. You don't have to be mean, and by all means do not say anything *mean* about him to the kids, but don't lie to them. Be upfont with them with him in the room... "Kids, your daddy has decided that he doesn't want to be married to mommy any more, and has fallen in love with a woman who is Wiccan, and a former stripper. Your daddy gets to make his own decisions."

Will they think poorly of him? SURE. But he deserves it and HIS OWN action has bought it.

Talk to your attorney, and GET the court order!!!

It is my hunch that when his world starts crashing in, he'll decide that negotiating in good-faith with you will provide the least painfull option.

God bless,

"We live in a fairly old fashioned county still run by good ole boys and they really view adultery in a negative light."

If he knows this as well, could it be that he files in the state where he lives because of work? He has an established residency there. You might want to consult an attorney and ask about the laws in that state. He may advise you to file for legal separation to protect yourself.

Seeing how he has threatened to expose himself, if you speak to one of his family members you could ask if he has shared with them the news. Of course they'll say no then to ask them himself. He'll know then that you don't take kindly to threats and will call him on it.

Men love to rescue. My stbx's xow painted herself as poor and abused wife who wanted out of her marriage. He was so stupid he believed it even though she drove a Jacquar. Her husband turned out to be a very nice, quiet, unassuming man who won second prise for Wimpdom..my stbx won first. I still question that she is as sick as she claims. He sees himself as her knight in shining armor.

HT,

JPH is right. That's something else I forgot to mention... Once you file a petition in your state, he won't be able to file one in his w/o perjuring himself.

Judges don't take being lied to and having their docket and court time taken up with a case that is not properly before them.

Remember: BE in the driver's seat.

You handled it beautifully!!

You need to get your ducks in a row. Bank accounts,Financial statements, insurance statements, ivestments, property, retirement funds. You need to protect you and your children. He is using family money to "set up" OW in her own place. He is taking that money from your children. He may not be above hiding assets, you will need that documentation, you need to protect your future. This will also give you something to focus on. You are doing well. Hang in there. Make an appt w/ a lawyer.

Post deleted by hurtingterribly

Don't call him.

He doesn't want to think of you, and if you're calling to chat, you may sound needy. You've got to be both strong and inviting, if you want him to want to return.

A damsel in distress will get old pretty quickly.

I fould follow your attorney's advice, but I would ask him about the possible advantages of being in the driver's seat with regards to timing. Also, if you want to protect your right to exclude the OW from your kids, you need some court order. By all means talk to your attorney about that, and see what he can do to fortify your position.

Good luck!

Also, where your H files his taxes is almost irrelevant to a state deciding whether or not he has established residency. I wouldn't sit back and let that one slide without checking it a little more.

That the doctor sees "a lot" of this is really sad, isn't it? <sigh> Well, that's the world we live in. Frankly, I think I would be very comfortable in that county of good ol' boys where you live. At least you know the rules there.

I sincerely hope the STD testing comes out all right. Unfortunately, I've read testing on HIV can take up to 12 weeks, sometimes longer, to reveal anything. It's terrible your husband has put you into this position. I don’t automatically place strippers with the dregs of society, but the probability they have had contact with carriers is dramatically increased in that line of work, isn't it?

I think it's imminently logical for you to stay in close contact with your attorney. I don’t understand the logic of waiting for your husband to file, but I’m not a lawyer. It would seem to me if you file first, you’re in the driver’s seat and he’ll be chasing along behind, trying to catch up. The other problem I see with waiting is that he won’t EVER file so long as he’s getting his girlfriend fix and having some semblance of home life too. It’s called cake eating…as having your cake and eating it too.

I hope you’ll continue to examine your situation carefully and consider all your options. There really isn’t any way your marriage is going to survive the way it’s going. If you want to save it, you’re going to have to break up the affair and MB has been helping betrayed spouses do that for a good while now.