Married 15+ years; two young children. My wife's A ended just over a year ago. We were in MC at the time I discovered and exposed. Once we got past the initial shock, hurt, anger of her A, we began reconciling in earnest. We continued MC until last fall; we were both telling MC everything was well - seemed to be getting along fine.

By the holidays, she was again talking of a trial separation and stopped all displays of affection and attempts to fulfill my EN's.

Just after New Year's I told her of my A more than 10 years ago. Needless to say, she's pissed. I tried not to hammer her too much about her A when I discovered, but I couldn't bring myself to tell her of mine until now. I was devastated by her A and didn't know how to deal with her loving another man. I was self-righteous and acted virtuous, fully knowing I had not been. But now, I am making things right; cleaning up my garbage. I want to keep our marriage intact and won't agree to a separation.

She really wants out now. She feels she has been manipulated and is trapped in our home. Says she no longer wants to share her daily experience with me; no longer wants to strive for an intimate relationship with me. Says she has felt this way for years prior to her A and the revelation of my A has confirmed her feelings.

Where do we go from here?

You start with honesty. And build out from there. Your marriage has been a farce since your affair. You have to accept that. You need to prove yourself to her now. That's all you can do, control your own actions.

Thanks, RookKey. Me coming clean was needed for honesty and openness.

I don't agree that our marriage has been a farce since my A. I was then and I am now committed to her and I do take that commitment seriously. I vowed to stay with her and build a life together. I screwed up, but I ended my A, came back to her and have never looked back.

Let me rephrase that, probably in HER eyes, since then, the marraige has been a farce. And I bet, somewhere, she is saying that explains her actions, and why she felt so empty, and open to the affair... because of your 'secret' you two couldn't make that final attachment intimately.

But, that's just me speaking, who knows but you and her.

-hang in there

you've got to earn your way back

talk about your wife behind her back ~~~ saying wonderful things about her

go out of your way to make her life easier (take care of her car, buy take out food and bring it home, buy her a book she's been wanting to read)

earn your way

no short cuts

let's be honest


and you robbed your wife of her choice to leave you for your affair because you kept it secret .... no way to paint yourself as a hero "I came back to her" .... nice try. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Point taken, and you're right. She still may leave me because of my affair.

Hi stewie,

My wife and I both had affairs also. She had a PA. I had a EA and a ONS. We are both working on marriage but it's been hard. Very hard.

I don't see you painting yourself as a "hero" I see you just reaching out.

Your wife must realize she cannot point at your affair as reason for her own. You both have equal duties if you want to stay together. Think of the pain you feel about her affair and the pain of your own and know she is in the same boat with you. Options are to either jump out and swim or stay in and paddle together.

Hi eldente,

I had a PA that lasted about 3 months many years ago. My wife had an EA/PA that lasted for about a year, the last four months while we were in MC.

What she is angry about is that I took over a year to tell her of mine after I discovered her's. She feels manipulated because I didn't let her know we were in the same boat.


I want to stay in and paddle; she wants to jump out and swim.

She will/should eventually realize the feeling of being manipulated works both ways regardless of timelines. She was manipulating you for about a year, and 4 mo during MC w/o knowing she was being "manipulated" by you. Sure she's pissed. Aren't you?

I think you should suggest she come here to read some threads.

infidelity is infidelity. Your's is no worse or better than her's.

Tough week. She hasn't said very much to me unless it's about the children.

I'm still giving and being patient. Laundry, dishes, housework, you name it. I don't think she sees any of it as helping her out, though. She isn't accepting any 'love bank' contributions at present. She's withdrawn and her Taker is in charge.

I saw our MC alone this week. My wife asked that I set up an appt for both of us. MC set an appt, but wants me to talk with her first and see what she wants to talk about before seeing us together - have an understanding of her 'agenda'. Then, I can decide if I want her to attend.

Thoughts?

Our situation is somehow similar. I had an A during separation from H. Three years after I ended my brief A, I found out he is having an A that started three years prior to our separation resulting to two OCs and still ongoing. BUT, WH is still asking for reconciliation, willing to leave OW and OCs should I take him back.

Imagine the guilt that I have for having an A... up to now I regret what I've done. How I wish he told me about his A the day he found out mine. Maybe... somehow it will ease my pain and guilt... and becasue we are in the same footing... somehow we have been reconciled three years ago... I don't know... but my WH is different... he was violent to me for two ocassion when he heard the rumor about my A. Double standard? Yes... maybe.

So, please understand your WW. She felt bad during her A. And still feel bad about it I guess... she is suffering inside... and after a year of being guilty of what she did... you confessed that you had an A 10 years ago... I admire your honesty... but I can relate to what she feels right now.

If you want to save the marriage- please tell her and show her how sorry you are... and do everything to win her back.

I'm sorry for all of us in this kind of situation right now... May God will lead us to the right decision...

She wants to discuss with our MC how to best tell the children and effectively co-parent. Her feelings have not changed and she no longer wants to be married.

Is separation still an option? Would it make a difference?

Richard,

She just found out of your A. Give her time to process her thoughts and feelings. I'm pretty sure she is having mixed emotions right now. She said she no longer wants to be married. But in time... it will change. Believe me...

When I found out about my H's long term A last year- I just confronted him but did not ask him to come back to me or to rebuild the marriage. We have been separated for four years already, we were both unfaithful, he has OCs... so I don't want to rebuild the marriage anymore. Though, he really wanted to.

By not accepting him back...in a way, I am enabling their affair to continue further. But honestly... right now... I am having a change of heart... I still want to be married... I don't know... Thy will be done.

Someone

You may want to tell you that in most situation there's no effectively co-parenting. It's more like less-bad-coparenting.

She may no longer want to be married...but she is and you share children. The illusion that getting out of a marriage and smoothly telling the children and co-parenting is one that must be busted.

I'm happily divorced and remarried.

I would NEVER willingly put my children through what they have been through for the last 2 years though if it hadn't been my very last option.

Children don't breeze through a divorce.
Children don't care if either of you can 'effectively coparent'.
Children suffer in almost all instances of divorce no matter how much the parents try to smooth it over for them.

Be sure that your MC is pro marriage. Many are what I call divorce counselors with no tried and true strategy for helping people save a marriage marred by infidelity.

Burst the bubble of 'this will be okay for the kids'.

You've both got a lot of work to do to restore trust and intimacy but with effort it can be done.

Good luck.

FIM