I found numbers on our cell phone bill that did not look familar. I noticed a pattern of her calling before and after work and right after she would talk to me. Then she was supposed to be going out with a F friend one evening. I noticed a call to the same number right when she left the house and then right when she arrived home (about 1:15am). I called the number and it was a guy. I immediately approached my wife an asked her about this guy. She claims that he was a long time friend and she was helping him through problems with his girlfriend. I didn't believe her. Then she woke up in the middle of the night and called this guys name. She said if was not what I thought. I don't believe anything she has told me. She had always had problems showing me affection. She does not like to kiss me . And no I don't have bad breath. I am suspicous. Then to top it all. I found out that I have an STD. She told me that when she was in college, she had a bad experience with a guy and that she may have had a STD but showed no signs after the initial outbreak. I think she cheated on my! In need of more opinions. I have been nothing but understanding, affectionate, and loving to her since I met her.

First of all I am sorry you are here. I am not the best one to give you advice if you want to stay married but I want to let you know that a lot of us have been there. It really sucks!

I guess I am going to be Mr. Obvious but yes your wife has cheated on you. Almost all of them lie and try and make you feel like you are going crazy. The fact that you got a STD makes it even worse. My wife lied and told me I was crazy and she would never cheat on me.

I found emails and cell phone records at first and she still denied told me I was crazy and she was going to leave if I did not stop. I then got phone recordings and other evidence and even video of them in my own house and yes it was in the bedroom. She could no longer deny it and we are divorcing since I could not overcome all of it.

There are a lot of people here that do rebuild. You are not crazy and you will have to decide what you want to do now but unless you cheated on your W that STD didn’t get there from the tooth fairy.

um... Confucius say, "If it walk like duck and talk like duck, it probably duck!"

Your post's subject-line question is silly. None of us can answer that for you, but you already know the answer with sufficient certainty that you don't really need any additional information.

So... You've got an STD... I'm guessing you know all the people you've been with in the last 10 years or so, so I'm guessing you've got a pretty-good idea of where it came from. Either it was your W from before you were married, or from after you got married.

Now, I suppose the questions you need to face directly are:
1. Do you want to stay married to this woman?
2. If so, in what way (and be honest with yourself) could you do a better job of being HER husband?
3. And, if you do want to save the marriage, what is your exposure plan?

If you're going to expose, you need some rock-solid proof, and that's going to be relatively simple to come by. WS's are typically sloppy and partially brain-dead. Some night when she's going to go out w/ friends, follow her, have a friend follow her, or hire a PI to follow her. Get pics.

Or, buy a GPS tracker, so you can later ask her where she was and bust her when she lies. Others will suggest using a voice-activated digital recorder in her car (from the phone records, does it look as though she cats to this guy in her car?

Do you know the fellow's name? You could try an internet reverse-directory look-up. If it's a land-line, that may work. Does your W use a computer at home? Install spy-ware. WSs typically have a small group of BAD friends who encourage the A. Anymore, it seems that illicit communication to anyone hostile to the marriage is frequently via the internet. Get some spyware/keystroke logger, so you can see where she went online, who she's communicating to, and what she's saying. I can't remember exactly, but I think the one I used was "eblaster" which was nice because I set it up to email me logs of what was happening on her computer every hour that she was on. VERY enlightening, I assure you.

Good luck, and yes, you have found the right place.

God bless,

Thank you all for your input. It is good to know that I am not alone. I can feel that she does not love me the way a wife should. I am in a bind, because there are children involved.

I am so sorry you have had to be come here, but at least it’s a place where you can get some good advice.
I’m not sure if I’m the best to advise on this but I can give you some starters in regards to the MB process.
Your M can recover.
Many people have done it, I'm working on it. It isn't easy, and not everyone succeeds, but as long as you are both working on it, your chances are very high. A lot of what I have here is from a number of very experienced posters which I have collated for you so I hope it helps.
Read What Are Plan A and Plan B? after reading the "Basic Concepts" links below.

Plan A and Plan B

You need to start Plan A with the help of a marriage counsellor (see item #2, below)if that is possible. There are a couple terrific posts about Plan A that are worth reading at: Plan A, Doormats and Love Busters by Zorweb and Cerri on Plan A, which will help you avoid some of the common pitfalls. Your chances of saving your marriage and actually making it better than before are still good. But, whether your spouse is "on board" or not, you should do three things:

1.) Learn. The most important and helpful source of information for many has been the book 'his needs her needs' by Willard Harley (hereinafter referred to as 'HNHN') available at the Bookstore, Amazon.com, and bookstores all over. Some say this book is one of THE best books on the market for helping one get to the root of "the message of the affair" (BUT YOU HAVE TO DO THE QUESTIONAIRES!). It (along with the Basic Concepts section of this site) is also helpful for giving you a vision of what a great marriage should look like. The approach of HNHN to this problem is that the best defence against affairs is to have a great marriage.
So that you can get started right away, while waiting for SA to arrive in the mail, read everything in the Basic Concepts section of this site. Next, read all the Q&A's on infidelity on this site. They are found at How to Survive Infidelity

The phrase "the message of the affair" is from the book "Torn Asunder", by Carder (hereinafter referred to as "TA"). Some here think this is the best book on affair recovery they have read. In particular it deals with the two different paths the recovery of the betrayed spouse (BS) and the wayward spouse (WS) need to take, and deals w/ remorse in a way that I prefer to HNHN. Read it together, if your spouse is willing. If not, go through it yourself. If you or your spouse has issues with control, you might also want to read "The State of Affairs", (SOA) by Todd Mulliken, which also treats the remorse issue similarly to TA. SOA also deals with "the vision thing" for marriage, which is not so clear in HNHN.

2.) See a marriage counsellor. This is hard. You need help. These boards are populated by amateurs. MC’s should be professionals. There is a difference. They can help deal with issues the books don't cover, and customize things to your individual situation. That said, there are lots of bad MC's in the world. Read, and take to heart, How To Find A Good Marriage Counsellor. You do not want an MC that is going to teach you how to live with an awful spouse, or how to adjust to divorce. Too many of them do, as is documented here: Hazardous Counselling. Reading that link may scare you off counselling, but it should give you some good ideas to ask a potential MC before you start w/ them, so you can avoid those that give you the wrong answers. You need one that is committed to helping couples have great marriages, and knows how to do that.
How to Find A good MC

You are on an emotional roller coaster right now, and there will be times that you will think it would be best to just divorce your spouse and go on with your life. Though there are no guarantees, recovery IS possible, but it takes time and effort. You will hate yourself if you don't do everything you can to make that happen. Give yourself the time you need.

3.) If you are a person of faith, getting your spiritual life in order may be of great help and a great comfort so if it works for you then get on it.
STOP thinking about what SHE needs to do, since you can't control her, anyway.

You might also want to read through: WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses, but keep in mind that we are all amateurs. Get the books, read the articles, and see a GOOD counsellor - you need the best help you can get.

Harley, who has helped THOUSANDS of couples through this process, lays out his program in the following link: How to Survive Infidelity You will find that I mostly followed his plan. It works & I am A FWW!!!
How to survive Infidelity

Join the club!

It's not a club any of us WANTED to join, but hey, our respective (but not necessarily respectable) spouses did go out of their way to get us a free membership to it!

Seriously though, you are not alone, and quite often there are kids involved.

So... what do you intend to do?

1. Pretend nothing is going on, see if the A dies on its own and have your wife come back to you as the default?

2. Divorce her cheatin' butt?

3. Fight like a son-of-a-gun for your M and to restore your W from this path that, had she been in her right mind, she never would have taken?

The option you choose determines your next step.

NOTE: Your WW *has* made a choice. You may not think you've got any options, but you do. None of them are pain-free (you can thank your WW for that), but you do have a choice. The only bind you're in is the one you place on yourself because of your decency and committment. That's a good thing, though. People who don't are like your WW, or any rutting pig. Know your principles... Know yourself, and then do what you know to be the right thing.

We're with you!

If you have children then your wife would have been tested for STD's while she was pregnant. It's standard procedure, no way would it have been missed. This tells me she did not get the STD before meeting you, it is from an Affair. Protect yourself, do not be intimate with her without protection.

While this line is the ONLY line I can think that MIGHT be plausbile...


It's very plausible with Herpes...you carry it for life - it's not curable, but many people have such mild outbreaks after the initial outbreak - they never know they have another outbreak - I am one of those. Many other people never even know they have outbreaks as they dont even get inital outbreaks...

But why she never told you she had it - it and HPV are the ONLY ones that this can happen with and you have them for life - so she should have told you long ago - that although she has outbreaks - you MAY still become infected it's what I told my husband...and after 8 years - he has yet to catch it...



HOWEVER.....

With EVERYTHING else - STD's aside - she does sound like she is in an affair....listen to everybody about finding proof and what to do next.

Also wanted to add - if it is herpes....and an outbreak isn't there when she is tested - it will come up negative unless they do an actual blood test for it....so if she was tested before having kids...and it came up negative - it didn't mean she was clean if she had it once before...you have herpes for life - whether you get outbreaks or not....