Yesterday was a weird day for me...

I was really feeling empty. Crystal has been pretty good to me. Virtually no LBs between us in quite some time. We're having fun and laughing a lot over dinner with our kids. Our kids are much happier than they've been in a while. She's even been fairly open to kissing an hugging, all things considered.

But I was feeling empty. Crystal just isn't ready (or able, I'm not sure) to extend herself to try to meet my ENs fully. She's meeting some of them, and I'm grateful for that. But she's not ready to contemplate SF yet (and that's not really the big issue, just sort of indicative of it, I think).

And let's not forget, we're really spending time together. A fair amount of talking... About our relationship... About her new job... About the various employment options I may or may not have in the area, etc.

But, like I said, I WAS feeling empty. I want her to try to please me for no better reason that she wants to make me happy... Not a sacrifice, but a gift. I want her to not only participate in our recovery, but take initiative. She's been carrying around the "Choosing Forgiveness" book for the entire week. She gets so busy that she works through her lunch hour (funny how jobs that have a commission aspect tend to inspire initiative on the employee's own time...) so she hasn't even started reading the book yet.

So, I guess the efforts as part of our "Plan" (which is right now, basically a Plan A kinda creature) are just draining me.

And then last night I asked my W what her current thoughts about the relationship were and she goes and says that she's "getting used to the idea of having me around" and that she's "starting to enjoy spending time" with me.

I responded that what she was saying sounded an awful lot like she was starting to hazard the prospet of a long-term committment to the M. And she said something like, "Yeah, I guess, kinda."

WOAH!!!!

That's HUGE!

That's what I've been praying for, litterally. That's what our DDs (all 3) have been praying for, litterally.

So all last night, I wanted to hoot-and-holler and I wanted to cry at the same time. I was so excited, and yet so empty because I wanted to feel wanted.

This recovery (dare I use the word) is such a strange universe.

Thanks for listening (ok... reading). Any advice or commiserating is more than welcome.

I know this is hard for you, but I would recommend that you and Crystal get tested for all STD's before thinking of SF.
Have you done that yet? And when was her last PA with OM?

Lady

The PA was months ago, and she was tested a couple weeks after it.

We did have a physical relationship, basically till shortly after she said she had made her mind up to leave me. (Middle of December.)