I have been married for 14yrs. have 5 children and thought I was married to the best man I ever knew.I found out about my h A when the OW's husband showed up at the door.I staunchly defended him,while he stood by and watched.When she began calling at all hours saying cruel and hateful things and actually threatening me I realised my H was lying.He continued to lie repeatedly about everything.After the first night of calls my H called her from his car begging her to tell me she was lying,she had no intention of that.After that he has hated her for telling on him.My H continued to lie for 7 months longer until I had proof.When He did admit it he tried to clean it up and white wash it as best he could.My H says that telling me anything about the A is not helpful and will only make things worse,and has even gone as far as to say that I am just unforgiving.How do I make my H understand that he has and continues to destroy all trust and respect that I have or had for him as long as he continues to lie and keep secrets?My H feels that I should be satisfied just knowing that he loves and wants me and does not plan on having another A.He thinks that was then and this is now and that I should just "get over it".I would appreciate any advice or insight that can be helpful.

Your WH needs to appreciate what he has done to devestate the trust in this M. Until he is willing to come to grips with the fact that he committed adultery and then lied about it for several months and is willing to see the A for the monster it is and for what it does to a R between and H and W you should be cautious about his sincerety. Sounds more like to me that he is only sorry that he got caught not that he did it. Like he has some kind of right to what he did and that you should just get over it. How quick would he get over it if you had had the A?

Tish,

Welcome to MB. You're in the right place.

The reason you can't get through to your H is that he's in "the Fog." Every WS (wayward spouse) goes through it.

On the one hand, I (a betrayed spouse) do recommend the wonderful freedom that comes from forgiveness. On the other hand, do not think I'm suggesting you absolve your H of what he's done.

My FWW said the exact same thing about me needing to "get over it." Of course your spouse wants you to get over it, he can't escape the fact that he's to blame.

Every WS is incredibly selfish, and remains so throughout the Fog experience. Understand this and, to the best of your ability, let it roll off your back. Your H doesn't want to come to grips with the fact that he cause you pain, and that what he did was horrible. If you would be so kind as to not be hurt, then he can pretend what he did wasn't so bad... It's ALL about him.

The good news is that the Fog does pass. You have much to be thankful for, believe it or not... Your H's A looks like it's over whether or not he wants it to be over... The OWH apparently didn't take kindly to your H's familiarity with his bride. These confrontations tend to lessen the fun for those in an A.

The only way you can make him understand the pain he's caused you is to wait out the Fog. If you want it to really sink in, start in on "Plan A." (I don't have the links, but I'm sure somebody will provide 'em.) This will serve a 2-fold purpose. First it will help him through his Fog more quickly and make him WANT to actually fix his relationship with you. Second, as his affection for you increases, it will begin to dawn on him how horrible he was to you.

I don't think there's any way for him to comprehend the magnitude of what he's done.

You're in the right place. This forum is an excellent place to vent as you need it and to get advice. Consider calling the Harley's for counseling. Don't listen to your H's demand that you "get over it," but to restore your relationship with him, and to help him to get to a place where he can begin to become the husband he was meant to be, you may need to set aside your needs for the time being.

I'm sure others will have better advice...

God bless!

When your h asks for your trust, remind him of this event. You defended him, when he knew the truth and he stood by and said nothing.

this is very important:

are you and H getting marriage counseling now?

hopeandpray, Thank you so much for your reply.I am in agreement with you,I dont think he realises the damage he has done to our family.I also think that he is more concerned with any discomfort it might cause him to be honest than he is with the anguish he has caused his family with his deceit and selfishness.T

Unfortunately I know this because I am living it. My WW gets mad at me for bringing up her (ongoing?) A when we talk when I should be running her out of town for what she has done is doing. Truthfully, if it weren't for the kids I would have by now. I only hope someday that the woman I married and loved finds her way out of the alien creature she has become (selfish beyond anything you have ever seen) and has a reflective moment where she is able to see what she has become and what she has done to those that love her. At that point I will be there for her but I admit that I will take some solace in knowing the amount of guilt, shame, pain, etc that she may be experiencing at that time it it happens. I know that's wrong but something inside me thinks it would be life changing for her.

Hang in there!

I am in counciling he refuses to go.Because I continue to nag him about this(nearly daily)and because I still cry (daily),he says he doesn't know why I bother to go it obviously isn't doing any good.

If nagging and crying helped, I'd say "go right ahead" .... but since they don't work to fix a marriage, and they are unattractive to boot, I say .... dump those tactics and ride a new horse!!

Wanna do that?

Do you really think that someone so self centered will ever be able to look beyond their own hedonistic pursuitts to see the destruction they have wreaked upon the people they should be loving and protecting?And if so at what cost will it have on their families by then?This has changed who I am and I don't much like the new me.

got it .... I was there too...

lemme save you some time ...

get your mind off of trying to change your H's thinking right now ... you can't ... you have no power to make him do squat ... but speaking as a female ... I influence the he!! outta my H when I put my mind to it....

Such as?

... and it is NOT by nagging and crying <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Yes .... my husband had a 2 year EA/PA with his friend's wife ... in other words .... my H behaved like a skumbag ....

but we are happily recovered and he is a man I can stand next to with pride and respect

Start with the emotional needs questionairre .... available on the concepts area of the site ... when your H is in a good mood ... ask him to fill his out ... and you do yours

then swap and discuss

PS~~~~~~~~~~~~

You might want to be taking an antidepressant if you aren't already ... it helped me "think" when my heart was broken

EN questionairre

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4501_enq.html

>will ever be able to look beyond their own hedonistic pursuitts to see the destruction they have wreaked upon the people they should be loving and protecting?

Um. Yeah.

It about killed me, but yeah. My husband had a 3 year A with a welfare kooze that produced 2 OC (who are the blessings God sent so I could pull myself out of that miasma). Wookie is now accountable for all the hurt he's caused to EVERYONE. That, in itself, is a miracle. I was beginning to doubt he'd be able to do it.

The only person you can control is you. If YOU don't like who you are turning into, how can your wh? Become someone you like. She's in there, you know. She's been beat up and put down, but I know she's aching to get out!

In a word - YES!

Your H is deep in the Fog. There is NO way he can truly see and regret the pain he's caused you RIGHT NOW, but that's why it's called recovery.

Recovery doesn't happen over night, and the only one you can actually work directly on is yourself, then work on yourself. Be a stronger person, and a better wife.

You mentioned you have 5 kids... I think kids are great, but do you think that your H felt neglected by you? Underappreciated or unimportant as compared to your other responsibilities? I only ask because if you want to be the best person you can be, then you have to soberly look at your M and see where you failed.

I'm not blaming you at all, BUT - you were happy as a clam according to you until your world came crashing in. Your husband, on the other hand didn't feel enough connection to you to effectively resist temptation. His choice speaks of HIM, but you DID contribute to the conditions surrounding the choice... So, be a better wife than you were before. That's part of plan A.

Recovery, like Marriage is a PROCESS, not an event.

God bless!

testedevotion, I really do appreciate your response,but I should probably explain more clearly.Happy as a clam is not what I wrote,I knew there were problems.We at the time were in counseling (by my prompting),because he always had somewhere else to be and something else to do.I would plead with him to please come home and have dinner with his family his response was always "someone has to support this family".I later found out that much of the time he was with the OW and her children.My H has always been the most important person to me and if he needed me I was always available to him (even he admits this).In short, as much as I have read researching this subject I have never been able to understand why people would blame themselves,I never have nor does my H.