Post deleted by hurtingterribly

Hurting:

As bad as things seem now, they will always get better. You cause is not "lost"...your WH is like any other run of the mill cheating husband. He'll rant and rave and threaten and belittle, and he'll make you feel like complete and utter $hit.....BUT, that will pass, and WHEN (notice I did NOT say if) his affair crashes you'll see it from a different perspective. Your feelings of anger, and fear and confusion are all normal. Steady goes it....I will predict that a DIVORCE of your marriage is not even realistically on the table NOW. That is so premature. And I know that still may not be any satisfaction for you today. This is all scripted. Read here, and then read some more.

As bad as you think your situation is, there is ALWAYS someone who has had it worse.....AND recovered their marriage.

I used to not believe that...but I do now.

If a Betrayed Spouse wants their marriage bad enough and is willing to stick it out long enough, then they will nearly 100% of the time get the chance to win their Wayward Spouse back. As horrible and despicable as you may think your WH is acting, he can always be just as kind, loving and forgiving and repentant. I don't tell you this to give you hope or make you depressed, but just to tell you what REALITY is.

I have spent many hours (some wasted) reading here, and the universal theme is still the same. You can change the names, the dates and the scene, but the story is the same.......The affair usually dies, and the Betrayed Spouse (if they are willing to "wait it out") usually get another chance with the Wayward.

As powerless as you feel now, you'll eventually (hopefully) realize how much power you have in this all.

Ironically, it will probably be your decision in the end if you stay married. I know what I am saying seems crazy now, but it isn't. Hang on, buckle up and see.....

Best of luck.

Lem

Hi hurting,
Glad your Dr appt is over.

Just a suggestion....keep posting on one thread it makes it easier for us to follow and keep up date, other wise we are bouncing back and forth. You can change the main heading when situation changes by going to the very 1st post on that thread and edit the subject line.

I would follow the advice SH gave you. In the meantime stay in plan A and get your ducks in a row. Plan A is be the best wife you can be without being a doormat, it stating your needs but not acting needy, its taking care of yourself, taking care of kids and HOME. Make your home...HOMEY, its a comfort to you and the kids. It sounds like you did a great plan A last night. You sweetly stuck to your guns.

Get a GOOD picture of your finances, we have seen Hs who have been generous providers who became greedy cheap WHs. Causing heat and electric to be turned off. PROTECT your family. Do you have your own bank account? A little nest egg for rainy days, if not do it now...while he thinks he is in control.

Then expose...all in one day. When I exposed to OWH it caused major problems in A. How old are your kids? Don't lie to them but don't give the all the details either like "Daddy's girlfriend is a witch that strips"....its great stuff...but it will make it around school really fast.

Keep posting...Good Luck

one last thing
He can't boss you on this. I would be there most of the time....then maybe the phone rings and you have to talk in the other room...then you probably have to get dressed in something nice a little flirty (don't forget hair, make up and jewelry.)...then announce you have to run an errand and you'll be back sometime before he leaves. Then offer no explanation when you get home...even if you spent a 1/2 hr sitting in the parking lot at Wal Mart.

Lem,
You old softie...you sound almost optimistic! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Nah, not optimistic........just realistic <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

I don't want to give my opinion of what I WOULD DO here, but just say what I think will probably happen, given the sheer amount of historical evidence that this message board here says.
More often than not, Betrayed Spouses get the "power" back, one way or the other, it just is usually not on their time table...that's all.

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Listen to lem.....it is so true.

Just read some of the stories of BS who have been here a while......like hurtinginoklahoma, or kim......strong ladies. They were exactly where you are today.....and now they got the power back...and their WS are spinning out of control......these WS they have the power at first, because we are in shock and pain and almost always willing to do whatever to get them back.....that storm passes......and soon the WS start to loosing control; boy do they NOT like that.

And then the BS takes over completely and the WS begins his own rollercoaster ride. By this time though, the BS is in such a better place that they shake their head, watching from the side lines as the WS is crushing down. The BS knows the bubble that comes their way and bounces it back to the WS who has no idea what to do with it.

So, don't despair, you will get there!

Daisy

Post deleted by hurtingterribly

***She told me tonight that she hates him. She figured out right away that he wants the divorce not me. I keep telling her we are both trying to decide what we want to do. She just rolls her eyes and tells me that she's not an idiot.***

HT, please do not lie to your children. You don't have to give them gory details, but do not try to lie and cover up and think they won't know.

She's right. She's not an idiot. Neither you nor WS are "trying to decide what you want to do". You want the marriage but he wants to be married and have a girlfriend, too. This is the TRUTH and it is a truth that your children can clearly understand. Don't think you are protecting them by pretending it's something else.

***She says it's clear in everything you do that you love him mom and that he doesn't love you back. She says he sucks for that and she hates him.***

She's right. You don't love somebody when you treat them the way your WS has treated you. Do you want your daughter to grow up thinking that that's how men show love, so she can end up in the same kind of marriage?

***I called her on the hating and told her that we both told them that we would always love each other, never hate each other, and get along for them even if we did get a divorce.***

Be careful here -- again, what is your definition of love? What is your definition of marriage? Do you want the WS to think you will be his "friend" after you divorce, and for your children to think that no matter how badly a WS treats you you're obligated to be his "friend"?

What is your definition of a friend? Someone who lies to you, cheats on you, and emotionally abuses you and your children?

***(Oldest sobbed at that and said then why can't you do that while you're married?)***

Exactly. She knew what a ridiculous statement that was.

***I told her that was true but that I too hated the situation we are in and that I hate the way he's acting. She said ok you have a point.***

So again - don't sugarcoat this and think the kids won't know. They will just end up resenting both you AND WS for trying to hide the truth from them. They won't know who or what they can believe and will just blow off both of you.
Mulan

Post deleted by hurtingterribly

Many of us went through the same symptoms you are experiencing and it wasn't about control or anorexia. It actually seemed beyond my control. I wanted to eat but felt nauseaous. It seemed that nothing wanted to go down my throat without feeling like I was going to gag. It was scary and this was before I had knew for sure, besides my gut, that an affair was going on. They were 'just friends' and I was 'crazy'.

I couldn't sleep or eat. I went to the Dr. and he put me on an AD as well as gave me a prescription for Xanex. Since Xanex is addictive I seldom used it. If used too much it will lose it's effectiveness in time. I would take a 1/2 or 1/4 tab. to help me sleep some nights.

I started drinking Ensure. I could have chicken broth and crackers. Slowly over time my appetite returned but it seemed to take a long time. I believe it is all tied to the emotional shock and let down of the A. It felt like by body was shutting down. It was heartbreak.

Anyway, I believe it is all very typical. In your case you can use it to your advantage to lose weight and try to establish an exercise program and improve your diet as you plan. I went down to 103 lbs at my lowest point(I am 5'7"). I didn't need to lose weight to begin with.

Some call it the infidelity diet.

HT, you can't "make" him do or say or feel anything. Once you understand that, this gets a lot easier. Stop trying to think of ways to manipulate him.

On the car ride, just tell him the truth.

Just tell him that you only do marriage and you don't do divorce. If he wants a divorce, he will have to do it all himself.

Just tell him that you do not want and will not have a WH in your life, and not in your children's lives either. If that means WH has to leave, then he has to leave. No one will beg the WH to stay.

Just tell him that you do miss your H very much and that you and the children wish he would come home.

He knows exactly what he wants, HT. He wants what every WH wants. He wants both a wife and a girlfriend. He had that for a while and he is desperately looking for ways to keep it. He will resort to lying, bullying and threatening to get his way and you should not be surprised when he does this.

Just keep cool and keep repeating the above.
Mulan

Post deleted by hurtingterribly

YOU

are

[color:"red"]da' BOMB [/color]

he may not remember your exact words

but what does register in the "fog"

is your overall demeanor and self-control

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Post deleted by hurtingterribly

I hope you are keeping a journal .... you will see a pattern of the rollercoaster of emotionality and not be alarmed that your mood swings .... it's going to be OK ... no matter what.

Post deleted by hurtingterribly

Keep your fingerprints OFF their relationship with their Daddy UNLESS you need to protect them from something dangerous or evil (like OW contact .... you have every right to put your fingerprints wherever necessary if OW is trying to be a part of their life while she is nothing more than an OW)

But as far as how they 'feel' about Daddy, it's not your call. Answer any questions they ask in age appropriate levels, of course, and don't lie.

"Does Daddy have a girlfriend?" --- "Yes, I am sorry to say he does."

"Is that right for him to do?" -- "No, it's not right for him to do."

"I hate Daddy." ---"Do you need a hug after saying that?"

Post deleted by hurtingterribly

Post deleted by hurtingterribly