Been reading here for a while to gain some perspective. I have been married before (now divorced after 10 years) and know the difficulties of marriage.

I, too, have been an OW of sorts. It was a huge, huge mistake and I sincerely regret he and I crossing that line beyond friendship ( a foolish, painful time in my life--no excuse). But it is done. Of course there is understandable anger towards the OW as she (I) should never do that to another woman...I am sure I would feel that way too if my xH had an A. I hate that I hurt another human being and I will have to live with that.

Why do many women seem to completely blame the OW and think that their H's were innocently coerced into the A? Well, I guess I do understand it is easier to believe that...but the truth I think is different...granted there are some women that get perverse pleasure out of the thrill,but I can guarantee most OW are NOT like that. For me, I hated the situation I allowed myself to get in...I would take it back in a second, even though I did care for him very much.

Just wanted to give a different perspective...

Ok, I can answer that because I guess I was the "OW" to the OM's wife.

It works the other way as well. (the H blames the OM).

My H found it easier to recover our marriage if he could blame the OM entirely. He knows me very well though (married 31 years, 28 at the time of the A) and said "I bet you pulled out all the stops" but he still blames the OM.

That's all water under the bridge now though as it's over 2 years ago and we're now just a "happily married couple" a sexy, middle aged happily married couple.

I guess it's a defence mechanism.

I certainly blame OM for initiating & driving my FWW's affair, but also know she made a choice to get involved and I blame them equally for keeping it going for 3 months.

I understand that and I certainly take responsibility for my part (for the record, he did pursue me although I was an active participant...so I guess that doesn't matter).

I guess my point is that not all OW/OM are evil, awful, predatory people. They are just searching in the wrong place for something...something to fill a void...and so is the BS.

Well, I certainly don't think I'm an evil, awful, predatory person (the OM's wife probably does with good reason) but "searching in the wrong place" I don't think so.

I should have looked to my H to fill any void. I should have communicated my unhappiness to my H. There is NO WAY that any other person should have been involved IN ANY WAY WHATSOEVER.

I know what you're trying to say, DaybyDay, I'm not purposely misconstruing it but you seem to be justifying looking elsewhere in some way.

That is exactly what I meant by searching in the wrong place...I should have been healing myself (I had just gotten divorced) and looking for available men...he should have been searching to either fix his damaged M or get out...both of us were looking for a quick fix and instead of dealing with our issues we tried to cover them up with our A.

Unfortunately, that's what we all learn after the event.

It's when you say if only someone had REALLY stopped me, my friends hated what I was doing but didn't want to hurt my H by telling him, if only I'd found MB sooner.

If only....

But there was no "if only" and my H and I had to go through the whole process of dealing with my 18 month A.

That is the truth...hindsight...how it could save us pain...but at least we can learn from it

Yup. I've got to go now but I'll probably be back later.

What's your current sitch, DbyD?

Well...it is a complicated story...but the short of it...EMA started a year ago last Feb. (he was also a good friend for a while before). He was a habitual adulterer so I had absolutely no intention of it going anywhere, but it did. Found out last Feb (2005), he had being someone else and ended it for all intents and purposes. Stayed friends as I knew he was going through a tough depression...he continued his relationship with the OOW unbeknownst to me...he tried to leave his M (don't know if he was given an ultimatum) in October 2005 and couldn't deal with all of the lies coming out (including to me obviously) and he committed suicide.

So, I am trying to deal with my guilt in all of this...my A (I know his W), the fact he shared all of his depression with me and I couldn't help him...I should have left and cut ties, but I couldn't--both for my own selfish reasons and for my desire to try and help someone I loved. I guess not so short...sorry

DbyD, something told me to check back in just before I signed off completely.

Do you know my question was not going to be "what's your sitch" but "what's worrying you?"

I just had a feeling something else was there.

I don't know if the help you need is here, it's an unusual situation and you are obvioulsy feeling a lot of guilt. People here can be tough on OW's or FOW's, because they're in a great deal of pain themsleves and you might find that too much to deal with. But I do know they are wonderful people.

I don't know what I am looking for here quite honestly. Just looking for another perspective for me to contemplate in my search to figure out this whole thing myself I guess...I understand completely that others wouldn't understand the OW side, nor would I expect them too.

I just read somewhere here that they had been on the OW site and felt that most were content in ruining marriages and that is so not true...at least for most (can't say for all)...so that prompted my post.

Explain to me where the BS is "searching in the wrong place for something..to fill a void.." As a BS I wasn't searching for anything in the wrong place. I was in the right place..at home taking care of my family. I wasn't in a sleazy motel room that rents by the hour with someone else's husband. I wasn't lying about my whereabouts. I wasn't hurting innocent people in the search to fill some imagined void.

This man obviously was mentally ill. It seems that you want to place the blame on others including the BS. There's a post here that talks about just claiming what you've done. Until you do that you'll continue to want to spread the blame to others even the victims. You'll never find peace there...

Oops...it was a misprint...should have meant the MM was also looking to fill a void...not BS. I am not looking to place the blame on others whatsoever, I don't know where you get that from my posts. I accept responsibility for my actions...very much so.

Daybyday1 said: [color:"blue"]Why do many women seem to completely blame the OW and think that their H's were innocently coerced into the A?[/color]

I blame my FWW entirely.

But I'm not a woman either.

The burden of her A rests squarely on her shoulders. I did not have a covenant with the OM. He wasn’t supposed to love, honor, and cherish me. He was just some guy that saw a pretty girl with some vulnerabilities and didn’t have to pay for her side of any of their dates.

My W sounds like the aggressor in all of it. He was a single guy (from her story) and had a needy john thomas and probably very little morality.

I think he’s a pathetic piece of crap, but still it’s my W’s fault. Anything short of rape would justify those sentiments in my mind.

After all OM in our situation didn’t have anything to lose. Or at least nothing even remotely at risk in his life like either FWW or I did.

Plank.

I've been divorced for almost 11 years. I have to say, I never blamed the OW(S). Because none of them made a committment to me in a church in front of God and all.

As far as I'm concerned, if my now XH was "able" to be coerced, then it was HIS fault, for allowing it. He was the obligated one, not the other women. Infact, I found out later, it was he who had lied to them.

Unfortunately, after his last "slip-up" or "meaningless mistake" (as he would of put it) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />, it was too late for "us". I left...

And I didn't divorce the other women, I divorced HIM! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Anyway, it does sound like you feel remorseful for your situation, and I would say, this is where it starts and the healing begins. I wish you the best, as I do his W and family, as well.

Jennifer

Day BY Day....

I do notknow why the OW felt it was at all acceptable to pursue, flirt with or take things further than they should have in the work relationship with my H.
THER ARE CHOICES....
I Know my H is equally GUILTY of the poor choices HE made, HHowever, knowing my H as I do, he is NOTthe kind of man who would have instigated or pursued an OW. He HAD integrity. But given the trouble we were having in our marriage at the time, I know that when the |OW (wh*re) started flirting with him and saying just the right things to him to make him "feel special" when I wasn't.... he sucked it right up.
My H has acknowleged that he should have come to ME to work out things, get the attention he was "craving", that he should have been COMMUNICATING with ME.... but he didn't.
HE F*ed up and he owns that.... how embarressing it is for him to own that he was so ignorant and nieve about how he was so easily swayed by this OW...
BUT HE HAD CHOICES.....
AS for the OW.... I have to think that she has No morals to consciensiously go after a married man with children.... she knew his situation and still thought it was a good idea to go after him, flirt with him, make "offers", and than "go the distance"...WTF???
SHE HAD CHOICES....
so I BLAME HER!!!!!!! She is a predator, a vulture, a scavenger with no morals, conscience, feelings, A NARRCISSIST, a selfish, self serving WH*RE!!!!!
I will not appologize for my outburst here either... as you are not the OW in my sitch, you opened a can of worms for me and I am actually venting my feelings about this for the first time in print....
But, this is how I feel about the OW in my sitch.
If she had ANY decency, she would have made the right CHOICES!!!!!! Then I know my H would never have been faced with HIS CHOICES and turned my world into the daily hellish nightmare I am trying to recover from.
It takes 2 to tango...... BUT THERE ARE CHOICES.....
|It takes 1 person to start the bad choices rolling... in my sitch it was HER...............

I think a lot of it depends on whether the OW/Om knew their "partner" was married yet still decided...or "fell" into the relationship regardless.

I wouldn't have held so much anger at my wife's OM if he had not asked if I owned a gun the first time they met...if she had lied and said she was single, divorced, whatever, I could understand where OM was coming from, but to knowingly get involved with a married person...you know you'll hurting someone, at the very least you [email]d@mn[/email] sure know you wouldn't want the same thing done to you.

I lied to OW and told her I was completely separated from wife with no intentions of reconciling. The truth was we were seperated with intent to reconcile.

I do agree not all OP are evil space aliens sent to earth to destroy BS souls and hearts, but the reality is some OP just don't give a rat's @ss what they do while in search of their own needs.

dbyd---welcome to marriage builders.....you sound sincere and i want to extend a hand to you. stay and learn, work through your stuff, and forgive yourself.

by the way---i'm a bs. we aren't all out for blood....lol

Thank you for your posts...

I guess, to me, it is not so simple. I can say this...most OW are not the aggressors in the situation. Some are...and some don't care that he is married (like the OOW in my situation). But most are like me...I was friends with him for a long while before...knew he had A's (quite a few I think). It seemed as it would be a harmless one time thing...stupid and irrational I see now...I never expected it to turn into anything. I knew who he was. But somehow I fell for him. I tried to leave many, many times but I couldn't...some selfish reasons...but mostly everytime I tried, he would bring up the "other option"...that he should just kill himself. For some reason I had become his really only confidante (his W had no idea until not too long before he died--how, I don't know) I didn't want to let him down as a friend, so that is what I tried to be.

I did not want to hurt his wife..let me make that clear...and I know I did (she knows about me)...for that I have huge regret.