DBD...

Is there any chance of you making ammends with the wife? To express to her what you've expressed here?

I don't know about the others here, but for me, that would of helped put a little closure on situation. Some BS's would be open to that, and others may not. Just curious if it's a possibility for you?

xMM and his W were in the same circle of friends as myself. She and I were never really friends--we are very different. I have talked to her...she called about a month after he died. She asked me questions and I answered them honestly. She said she couldn't forgive me and I told her I didn't expect her too. So we left it as we would be two ships passing in the night (we do run into each other occasionally).

The key is forgiving myself I guess...the A I can eventually forgive myself for...but his death--that is the hard part

I think by leaving the door to forgiveness open is the key. She may still want to do this someday, as to now, I'm sure the pain is still too fresh. She'll probably struggle with many emotions, before being open to forgiveness.

You were not responsible for his death. This was a CHOICE he made himself, with his adult mind. We cannot control the actions of others, (as much as we wish we could). And it sounds like he was kind of using it as a tool to hold onto you, which was completely unfair for him to do. To put that kind of weight on you, that did you did not deserve, when you were trying to do the right thing. I'm sure he was aware that he needed help, and he CHOSE how to deal with his depression. And he took alot of people down with him. This was selfish.

Anyway, just hang on, and pray about it. I will pray that you are able to come to peace with this in the future.

Take Care...

Jennifer

Thank you Jennifer...that means alot

You're very welcome. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

"I did not want to hurt his wife..let me make that clear...and I know I did (she knows about me)...for that I have huge regret."

I'm interested in an OW's point of view. You didn't think that you having sex with her husband would hurt her? Is that what you are saying?

No, I am not. I knew it would all along and that is certainly part of the reason I tried to leave so many times...plus, just the fact that is wrong plain and simple...

I was planning on taking it to my grave...but his death devastated me and caused people to question the intensity of my grief. So, it came out...I am not trying to justify anything to anyone of my personal situation...I am trying to show the other point of view. OW are human too...they struggle with guilt, pain...I know it easier I am sure as a BW to think of OW as vixens--out to destroy anothers marriage...but that is not the intent most of the time.

So his wife found out after he died?

Yes...we have a mutual friend...she asked me if MM and I were involved and I told her the truth. I had been hiding my life for so long...and I stink at lying..it was almost a relief. And she told the W...if you read above...my PA was done with him and had been for 6 months...there was OOW who apparently he was going to go away with and prompted him (maybe forced him, I don't know) to ask for a D the day before he died. I found out about her in Feb. and ended the physical part--but thought the relationship with OOW was over and he was trying to figure out his life--either fix his M or get D. They had to get a restraining order against her because she completely blamed the W for his death and left threatening messages.

I probably wouldn't have said anything but it was done for me. This friend thought it would help her to know he was truly screwed up...and he was...had some serious bi-polar going on I think (he started going to a therapist, but never told her the truth either)...

I agree with you Plank...it is your spouses, choice, fault, whatever we want to call it. But it also seems that the WS can't ever appreciate how we look at OP. I for one belive there is no lower scum than the man who chases a married woman, let alones has SF with her.

I had no idea so many women cheated...that sounds naive...I just don't know any, but I know many men who have. Maybe women just don't share that part.

Are you sure he chased her? Or did she just tell you that?

My wife believed our marriage was already over when she decided to tel the OM she loved him and wanted out of her . This was obviously a surprise to me. I knew the OM was a shallow piece of excrement and had already been instrumental in the breakup of one marriage. I didn't believe mine was in trouble until D-Day itself. I trusted my wife.

One thing the OM was good at was talking. And probably listening. But my wife took the decision that he was a better option. He was her Light out of our hellish marriage. Again, news to me. It was only when I showed her a different path and became her light (her words, not mine) that she decided to stay and work on the marriage.

My point is I 90% blame the OM. He dared to suggest he could look after my children and my wife when he is barely capable of looking after himself. He knew she is married, he met me and our children on mny occasions so ignorance is no exceuse. I also 10% blame my FWW. She made a decision. That she later corrected it, after eight weeks of pure bile when she realised I wouldn't simply walk away, goes a long way toward our recovery. That she is now the wonderful woman I remember marrying and she, in turn, has a listening and participating husband, only helps us further.

But don't ever leave me in a room with the OM.

As for many women cheating? One of my wifes chief 'advisors' had herself had an affair but stayed with her husband, whom she professes to actively dislike, as she could not afford to leave him. This woman encouraged my wife to leave and seek her 'happiness' as she herself hadn't. An affair by proxy, perhaps?

I admittedly didn't read this whole thread, as I have to run my daughters to school, but I wanted to reply.

I blamed the OW 100% for the affair for a LONG, LONG time, and I still resent her a lot, but I realize that my H was the one that made the decision to step outside his marriage vows.

I think the difference is I LOVE my husband, so hating him wasn't an option, but I was hurting so bad, and I needed something....someone to fight, and she was it. So I hated her, and wanted to destroy her, and I still don't like her one little bit.....but am trying to work it out with my H.

I think they are 50/50 in the blame department now, but that was after a lot of very PAINFUL growth on my part.

Just my 2 cents.

God Bless,

-Caren

Hi Day by Day. You had posted on another thread, the one about the lady in the 16 year affair and I decided to read some of YOUR story.

I found this first thread you started and when I read what happened, I feel so sorry for you. I hope you in no way blame yourself whatsoever for this man's suicide.
He sounds like a very mixed up individual. I don't think any death is harder to deal with than suicide.

My brother took his own life at age 33; we never knew why, what inner struggles he must have been having to do this, but it was such a tragic loss of an outstanding young man.

I just hope you have been able to pick up the pieces of your life and find happiness. You have had a lot on your plate what with your H cheating on you, the affair AFTER your divorce and even the OM cheating on you. Mix that with GUILT of the affair and then his death and you are left with a lot of pain.

I am sure you have learned your lesson to only date single men, that right?

Below is what you posted earlier in this thread; what you wrote makes my heart ache for you. October til March; I guess about 5 months now have passed. I hope things are looking brighter for you. Let us know how things are going, ok?

DAYBYDAY1: "Well...it is a complicated story...but the short of it...EMA started a year ago last Feb. (he was also a good friend for a while before). He was a habitual adulterer so I had absolutely no intention of it going anywhere, but it did. Found out last Feb (2005), he had been seeing someone else and ended it for all intents and purposes. Stayed friends as I knew he was going through a tough depression...he continued his relationship with the OOW unbeknownst to me...he tried to leave his M (don't know if he was given an ultimatum) in October 2005 and couldn't deal with all of the lies coming out (including to me obviously) and he committed suicide.

So, I am trying to deal with my guilt in all of this...my A (I know his W), the fact he shared all of his depression with me and I couldn't help him...I should have left and cut ties, but I couldn't--both for my own selfish reasons and for my desire to try and help someone I loved. I guess not so short...sorry "

I have been on both sides of the coin, and make my W's A was more her fault than the OM. OM was single, she was M. She holds more responsiblity for the shutting down the opportunity to "get involved".

The same goes for my A. I should have been the one who shut down the attempted connection. The way I see it if both both involved are M. It's a 50/50 responsiblilty.

The thing that got me regarding my FWW's A. She cut the ties with OM, and returned to me. He would not let go "until we spoke on the phone".

She felt sorry for him, after getting involved with him, then dumping him. Until I told her. How do you feel responsible for his feeling when he pursued, and involved himself with a M woman? If he expected this to be a "and they lived happily ever after story" then he is an idoit who deserves this type of life lesson.

Anyway, so I am rambling off topic now. No, I don't blame OM as much as my W.

I just hope that means I don't have to like him?

Day by Day,

Also the OW I had my A with, was most definately the aggressor, and yes I was the weak pathetic pond scum.

She made it known to my friends after I moved away "without OW". She had an agenda, and it was for my W to find out about the A, so we mean OW/me "pond scum" could live happily ever after.

I am bumping this for daybyday.

Justkeeptrying, I wanted to say to you that you are NOT Pond Scum. You are a sinner just like everyone else of us here reading or writing on this message board.

You are a beloved child of God and you can be forgiven and be a valuable asset on this earth. (In your home and in your community.)

And I agree, the spouse that made the marriage vows is the
one that said forsaking all others; the single person in the affair did not make that promise.

So I, as the married lady with the on line affair, (OM is not married; he is from my hometown; same school, different class. He now lives far away and has for many years) take the biggest responsibility and I will confess it is hard (very hard but I am doing it) giving up the friendship and attention that he gave to me.

Bumbing for {daybyday1}.....I had written you a note
above Justkeeptrying's two posts. I don't think you have
read it yet and it had drifted off to page 3.

I noticed you posted on LTM's thread so thought you might be around tonight.

I hope you are doing well.
Better days are ahead.

Hi
Thank you for the posts....I am around tonight. His birthday was just yesterday, so kind of a hard day...but moving forward.

I have been doing all I can to learn from this...therapy...getting involved in church again...trying to forgive myself and him. I do believe He has forgiven me, thank you for reminding me of that. Things will never be the same again, but I am certainly trying to find some positive out of this horrible situation.

I do worry about his W...I know it is hypocritical of me to say that as I contributed to her pain...but I do wish her peace also. Luckily she and I have only had a couple of encounters since he died.

I like your name Itwon'trainalways...that is true. So is your relationship over with the online guy? It is hard to let it go...even though in your heart and soul you know you have to...but that doesn't make it any easier.

And, yes......only SG's for me. Never, ever again. Too much pain for all involved.