I posted the background of my situation several weeks ago along with the current problem and received excellent advice.

Based on the encouragement to not feel guilty about "spying" on her, I have continued to monitor her calls. Recently, I found out she has been talking with some friends of hers about her attachment to this OM and is very open in conversations with them about how much she desires him and would sleep with him again.

She spent 25 minutes talking with him the other night on the way home from one of our daughter's functions (she drove separately). During the conversation she told him how much she loves and desires him.

OK -- second affair confirmed -- no more "just friends" B***S***.

When I talk about this "OM" that she admits to having a "special friendship" with, she claims nothing will ever happen. She mused to her friend that she doesn't know why she'd leave her current financially stable situation (me) for an unknown (him). OK, so I'm a meal ticket.

Let me say -- I love this woman with my very life. I can honestly say I would die for her. She doesn't desire me or love me. She claims it's because she hurts over what she did to our marriage in the first affair -- how she has destroyed me and forever changed me. She can't be intimate with me or desire me because of the pain she feels.

My problem is this:

She recently found a lump in her breast -- history of breast cancer in her family (mom had cancer and a double mastectomy). She has several appointments coming up as this is further examined.

If I confront her about what I know and her affair, she will refuse to let me come to the appointments and support her through this. It could be nothing more than a cyst -- this has been the case at least once before. But if it's malignant and she has cancer, I want to be there for her. If I rock this boat now, she may not want or allow me to support her and be there for her through this time.

This OM is married with children. I'm pretty sure that he just wants in her pants and nothing more. He lives in another state and she's just a piece he gets when he's here on business. She wants romance and passion. He says all sorts of sweet and romantic things, but I don't give him the morality of an animal cracker.

I'm sure that if she has cancer he'd be gone in a second. If I confront her and she chooses him and then finds out she has cancer, she'd have no one to support her emotionally -- I would stay married to her even if it's just to get her through the bills and cost of the treatments and recovery.

I'm prepared to just suck it up until we know about her prognosis. If it's not cancer, after thanking God for keeping her healthy, I guess I need to move to Plan B. If it is cancer, what do I do?

This will probably continue until the OM is exposed to his wife. Right now he operates with no fear. Your wife probably has told him that you are so afraid of her leaving that you won't say anything. I would find the wife and let her know whats going on...if you were in her shoes wouldn't you want to know?

Yes -- and I agree.

I'm trying to decide how to tell her without revealing my technique for getting the evidence. If I tell her and she tells him, then I'd lose a valuable mode of confirming no contact.

But, again, I agree and think the next step is to turn up the heat on the OM.

Thanks

Hopefully, it won't be cancer - most lumps are not. In the meantime, expose the affair. Yep, she'll get angry, but she will get over it. Your marriage may not.

And she WILL tell him. It's a knee-jerk reaction to back up accusations and she won't realize the harm it will cause.

Don't tell her how you know,,just that you have undeniable proof and can't reveal the source right now.

Spidey,

Quit worrying about her cancer or whether or not she has it. Expose the affair to OM's W, to your family and your W's family. Given that she sees you as a "meal ticket" I am relatively sure that she will "allow" you to take care of her, no matter how mad she is at you.

Personally, given that this is the second affair, and clearly the first affair was never adequately handled, I would strongly suggest you follow the guidelines here and that means plan A, exposure (part of plan a), counseling, honesty, and you having plan B in your back pocket.

What you did the first time did NOT work. Why don't you try to fully try the MB approach. I strongly urge you to contact the Harley's for counseling, and this time play for 'keeps', not mess around with recovery as you did in the past.

God Bless,

JL

This certainly feels like a tough decision for you at the moment.

Hopefully, you see that from our perspective this is a no-brainer. Thta's because we've seen it over and over and over and over.

Your assessment of OM's thiking is probably spot on.


Yes she would. She'd have you. She may not want to lean on you immediately, but you would be there to support her, right? You recognize already that OM would be gone in a nanosecond if she has cancer. You won't be. All the more reason to not wait and confront her now so that if the worst comes true, OM will reveal his true colors, as will you.

You do not need to reveal your sources to expose to her. Just confidently express your level of knowledge. She'll know you know.

Whenever you reveal it, be prepared to expose to OM's wife immediately. Otherwise, your wife will warn him and he'll prep his wife that "some nutball has accused me of boinking his wife! Isn't that crazy, honey??"

Do you know how to contact OM's wife?

Another way to look at this regarding showing your source of info is that you probably will HAVE to show solid evidence to OM's wife. If she's an unsuspecting BS she very likely will not believe hearsay that her lovable H is having an affair. Very typical. So, it may be prudent to reveal to her your evidence even though it may get back to your wife via OM. But this is also a valuable data point - indicating that OM wasn't immediately scared off.

Please read the link about exposure in my sig line below.

Also,

Priceless, in a dark humor sort of way. More proof of the Mothership.