Major issues with H. First time he got it on the sly was a co worker, she just walked in the office and hadn't a stitch of clothing on. You do the imagining. This was 4 years ago. It didn't mean anything, yeah right!!! Fast Forward to invention of internet, my H is consistently on Porn sites. I have asked him to stop constantly, he still does it. We have argued immensly about this. HEATED arguements, he won't stop. This morning, like 5:30 am he has the door closed and he is on the puter, what do you think he was viewing. I told him it is just as bad as cheating, to stop. Not to expect anything from me after he views this disgusting garbage. I'm sick of it. I fess up to an EA and yet it is ok for him to drool over naked women? Input, help. I'm raging today, just want to rip his sorry head off of his shoulders!!!!

Is it infidelity...

Websters definition:

Main Entry: in·fi·del·i·ty
Pronunciation: "in-f&-'de-l&-tE, -(")fI-
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural -ties
1 : lack of belief in a religion
2 a : unfaithfulness to a moral obligation : DISLOYALTY b : marital unfaithfulness or an instance of it


I think he has a moral obligation to you and your needs....but when we start getting into what I did...what he did...it starts to get a bit cloudy doesn't it?

I understand your frustration I hope you can communicate with each other...calmly...

There I changed it to cheating, aka, adultry, I will communicate with him alright!!!! With my hands around his neck. If it offends me he should stop, it's been years and it hasn't stopped. I can deal with an occasional Playboy but the crap on the net? No way. Just as bad as his one night fling.
I don't even know why I'm posting, I'm just so MAD right now it feels good to let it out.

This is where you come to do it!!!! Vent away. Yes, it is an unfaithfulness to you. It is robbing you of a FULL relationship w your H. And I might add, I have investigated the subject of pornography and addiction to porn. Men who are addicted to porn are twice as likely to have a real live A. Just a fact. And they tend to start viewing their spouses or significant others as inferior sex partners. Again, as in EA's, porn addiction tends to be trivialized by a vast majority. Sad but true. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Blessings,
Tare

Sad but true and SICK!!! I am honestly very embarrased although no one really knows me here, to post what I just posted. You know when one has a true addiction when they get really pissed off at you when you confront them or ask them to stop. This guy just doesn't get it. He doesn't see where it is a problem, i'm the one with the problem.
As far as my EA is concerned many of you from a wee bit ago remember, it IS over. This guy confronted me and told me literally that he will leave me alone, period. There were a few tears in his eyes when he told me this but I believe he has been true to his word... I will hold true to mine. Although this disgusting porn issue is really driving me to....no I won't go there. He flipped on me when I referred this site to him. Mad for exposing our "personal business" on the net. Ok, so why don't he just EXPOSE HIS REAL personal business while he's at it!!!! I'm MAD, CONTEMPLATING D< AGAIN< and at the moment could care less if he would walk out that door and never come back. Why this is so hard for him to knock it off, if he truly loved me, it would stop!!! I think less and less of him everytime he dials up!!!

Welcome back to MB, smfry. We were worried about you.

Here's my two cents worth:

As for whether your husband is cheating on you...yes, he is. I don't care much for television personalities, but Dr. Phil has a definition of cheating that works beautifully. It goes something like: "If you wouldn't do it with your spouse standing there, it's cheating." I cannot imagine your husband would...enjoy himself...cruising through porn sites with you standing there. The definition fits.

I'll go beyond Dr. Phil's definition. If what a spouse is doing takes time the spouse could/should be spending with the other person in the marriage, then it's also cheating. It's beyond hubby regularly going on a fishing trip with a couple of friends, for instance, or you taking a...oh…a photography class for a semester or two. (Insert your own example.) Such a thing is selfish and extraordinarily self-indulgent with overtones of cruelty and disregard for the other person. Those are characteristics of cheating. They go hand in hand and it's true whether a spouse is fixated on another person, as in your case, or whether a spouse is fixated on pornography.

Your husband is addicted to porn. If he’s up at 5:30 on a Sunday morning, it’s clearly a compulsion he cannot control. You are, or were, addicted to another person. There is no substantive difference and both are dangerous to your marriage. They are both emotional (psychological?) addictions as opposed to a physical addiction to a drug, but they are no less devastating.

You seem to think you are coming along well in your recovery from the OM, but I'm not entirely certain. I'm concerned about some of the phrases you use when you talk about him and I see remaining emotional bonds that need to be severed. Thinking tender thoughts about him when you recall the moment he told you he'd leave you alone, and considering reviving the flame when you are angry at your husband are symptoms you are not at all recovered. At the same time, it's absolutely clear your husband desperately needs counseling to break his addiction. You might also benefit from some individual counseling.

It’s abundantly clear you two badly need couples counseling too. I don't think you, individually or together, have actually recovered from his adultery four years ago. There is a great deal of left over anger, hurt, and mistrust. Seems to me, it's festering and getting worse instead of being put behind you. I think, with the addiction to porn and your EA added on top of the unresolved adultery from four years ago, professional (pro-marriage) counseling is essential.

Please take some time to search for and read some of the threads here on MB regarding an addiction to porn. I’m sure they will be eye-openers. Also, you can just Google the search string “addiction to porn” or “addicted to porn” and you will find thousands of articles, including some tests to determine whether a person is addicted or not. You, and he, need to understand the problem much better than you do now.

I know it's hard not to take his addiction personally. It must feel like he's doing it to spite you, or to hurt you. Is that not the way he felt when he learned about your EA? See what I mean? You desire him to look at your EA as a problem in the first stage of solution. If you can separate youself even slightly from the personal pain his addiction is causing, I'm hoping you can deal with his addiction in a more objective light. It IS NOT going to be easy.

I wish all the best to you and your husband. Please suggest to him that this board is totally anonymous. He, as well as you, can use it to vent and to find help for something that is taking over his life. We can be here for him as well as you.

smfry -

I agree. It is definitely cheating. Longhorn has some excellent points on that.

I understand how you feel. In addition to my H's A, he was(and I suppose still is) addicted to Internet Porn.....although he doesn't have access to Internet right now, so I suppose he is having to get his jolly's some other way.

Anyway, as far as the way it makes you feel I can completely understand. The pictures are totally disgusting. My H's point of view was - what I didn't know couldn't hurt me. But even after I found out, I would come home and discover that he had visited sites on-line while I am gone.

I'm in Plan B now, so he's out of the house. But if we begin to reconcile that is another hurdle that we are going to have to jump.

I wish you the best of luck. I hope your H can see how harmful this is -

Kim

When we went to see our pastor about our situation & my H mentioned porn & masterbation, the advice our pastor gave was simple - GET RID OF INTERNET & THE COMPUTER if that is what is required to stop!!! He deals with a few men that are addicted to porn & he says they try to make excuses, but if they really want to break the addiction, they have to get rid of the tool that is helping them continue their addiction.

If it's a choice between having internet & having your marriage, I would think the choice is clear.