Okay... How do I start off? Well I have been married for 6 and a half years and have to children one is 4 and the other 4 months. Recently I had noticed that my husband was acting very strange. I checked around on his email and found some messages to other people that were extremley hurtfull, expecially after just having a baby. I asked him if something was wrong and all he could say was "we will talk about it later" but could not get him to talk to me. So one day I told him that I was going to get my hair done and the kids and I would not be back. He was pretty shocked and we had an argument and he told me he did not know what he wanted but that he did not think he had any feelings for me anymore and was not sure if he wanted to work this out. I moved away with the kids for three months. We would see each other on occasion and he would act as if nothing was wrong but as soon I would ask him to talk he would shut down. I decieded that if he wanted to ruin this marriage he could do it himself and that I would move back home, so I did that. He was very upset with me. While home I did some snooping and found out that he was having an affair with a girl who lives down the street who was ten years younger than him. Im not sure if they have been having sex or not (he denied this but Im not sure that I believe him) but they were telling each other I love you. I am so lost as to what to do. I want to make this work for my kids but I do not know how. He keeps saying that he does not know what he wants and that he is not sure what he is going through right now. I want to be there for him but he keeps pushing me away. I am so lost. Please help.

Hi Chermel,

Sorry you are going through this. Have you been reading about plan A and plan B? Read as much as you can on this website. I found this site when I was already on recovery, so I can't help you with the plan A and B, but it sounds to me like plan A would be best at this point for you. Weekends are slow, but I'm sure tomorrow you will have more replies to your post from people who have done plan A and can help you with it and give you good advice. Good luck!

Read up on Plan A and also start exposing his affair - to his family, her family, friends, etc.

Chermel -

We are here to support you & help you through this. Believer is right on the money....Read everything you can here - Plan A is the starting point.

I am so sorry you have to be here. Just know that we are here. Dig in, find your strength & start fighting for your Marriage!!

Kim

chermel,

Welcome to Marriage Builders, a place none of us ever wanted to be but a great source of help nevertheless.

Start out by reading EVERYTHING you can on this site, particularly paying attention to How to Survive Infidelity That will give you the VERY basics and lead you to the links you'll need.

Post on the forum. Ask questions, learn from others, gain the support you'll need.

And STAY in your home!! Working on your marriage (Plan A) is far easier if you are both in the same home.

Thanks for the support. Plan A sounds like an option but am I just supposed to let my husband keep cheating. I know that he is not willing to stop seeing the OW right now. I want to confront him but dont know how to. I think he might be going through a midlife crisis. Is 29 too young to be going through this?

Hi Chermyl,
First of all, you are not alone. All of us b/s have gone through the most painful time of our lives.
You, are so lucky, for if you want to keep your husband, we can guide you with proven ways to 1) break up your wandering husbands affair. 2) Make yourself into the best person you can be, therefore attracting your husband back.

This is accomplished through Plan A
The carrot.-Self discovery and improvement.
The stick.- Exposing the affair in one full sweep.

Please consult some of the old vetrans that have gone on to recover their marriage.

At times the advice seems opposite of what your natural instinct is.

The main one is exposing. I mean, it seems crazy and so embarrassing to expose the affair to friends and family. Most people's reaction is to not want to do this.

Exposure is what brings the ws to his knees. It shines a bright light on the infidel's ungodly cheating behavior, bringing them shame and reality of what they are doing.

Keep on posting, you have hope, just like the rest of us that have gone on to recover our marriage.

Yes, it seems strange to Plan A when he is cheating.

That is what exposing is for. To stop the affair.

Read the Plan A on the MB Website.

This really does work.

Just remember, you don't help him to end your marriage. Remain insistant on saving your marriage.

If he wants the divorce, let him do all the dirty work.

Exposing means doing it all in one sweep. To get the full effect, do not warn wh of exposure. Just do it.

If the adulters get notice that you are going to expose they will spin all the facts to look like you are crazy.

Also, your wh is very confused right now. This is normal.
Expect him to tell lies.

When exposing let family and friends know that you are trying to save your marriage.

Right now your wh doesn't know what he wants, his thinking is clouded.

His love is just a mere shadow of what you and your husband has. Your love was born out of respect and love.

What the adulter's call love was created on shifting sands of infidelity, cheating, and the rush of hormones.

His thinking will not clear until he has achieved NC.

Yes!!! A "midlife crisis" is not an acceptable explanation for anything except buying a convertable.

You need to read "Surviving an Affair." I put off buying it for too long--I was reluctant to admit to myself that my FWH had really done this to our family. But we have read the book together, and it really helps! But to summarize one concept from the book, an affair ends in two ways: it dies on its own (which is going to be a long, painful experience for everyone involved), or it dies from exposure. THe light of day is the best antidote.

So you need to do a little investigation--who is this "girl down the street?" She sounds young; is she living with her parents? Is she married or attached to some boyfriend? Family connections can be a real ally to you in making sure the affair is ended. That was definately the case in my situation.

Recovery cannot truly begin until the affair is over--so all the "Plan A" information you can get your hands on will be helpful to this end (again, "Surviving an Affair" is a great source for this).

Sorry you are here--but take comfort in knowing that you have a large group of friends here who support you. Take care of you and your beautiful children!

God Bless

BS (me) 34
FWH 31
Married 8 1/2 yrs
DD 4; DD 21 mo.
PA 10/04-10/05
DDay 11/17/05
In Recovery

So I am reading up on Plan A. Seems very confusing to me. How do you be the best possible wife and create a secure enviorment while exposing the affiar to family, friends, etc. And how do you do that all with out using love busting behavior? Isnt exposing the affair considered love busting? I am very confused about this. Any one have any insight on this?

Anyone have any advice on how to expose the affair? What kind of evidence should I get? How do I go about exposing it? Do I do it anonomously? Should I send a letter to OW parents as I do believe she is living at home. Any suggestions?

how old is your husband...
how old is the OW

ark

He is 29 she is 20

You expose to HER parents so they know that there 20 year old daughter is at risk being messed up by a man...

you expose to HIS parents so they pressure him on to let him know it's NOT OK

you expose to HIS peers who will assist in letting him know the pain and disrespect he is bringing to his wife and children...

you clearly communicate to him the need for contact to stop..

you put a forsale sign up in your front yard and inform him you and he need to move..

ARK

How do I go about exposing. Do I just come out and tell these people face to face? Do I write letters? I have talked to one of his uncles who said he will talk to him but I did not give him too many details I just told the Uncle that I found some things out and that they were very hurtfull but I did not come out and say I knew he was seeing someone else. All of his family is very upset with him and they say he has been avoiding them.

bumped up the exposure thread...
for you to read

Thanks soooooooo much for all of the help! I am reading up and the info sounds great. I have never had to deal with anything like this before and had no clue where to begin. I have been blessed to have parents who are still very much in love and have been together for 35 years. I have no friends who have gone through this, so it is hard for me to take their advice as I am not sure that any of them fully understand how I am feeling.

No one who has not been through it can possibly understand, so you probably shouldn't simply accept their advice, however well-intended it may be. They are not standing in your shoes. I know many of the "advice givers" around me were simply saying "kick him to the curb." In my situation, that was 100% WRONG. I am so relieved that I followed my gut, and that I found MB, because this path has started some real healing for us.

Take deep breaths. One day at a time.

Chermel: you won't believe how much generosity there is here at MB. I've been overwhelmed at the help I've gotten here in the last few months. Listen to these wise and experienced posters, they only want what's best for your M, and the only thing they get out of it is the good feeling of having helped others.

I suggest you do a terrific Plan A; remind him why he loved you so much and make him love you more than ever. That combined with exposure could turn the tide. Best wishes.

Chermel -

There are many ways of exposing. Post your evidence here and maybe some posters can help you find a comfortable way of exposing this A.

I say comfortable....meaning comfortable for you. No way will be easy....but some might be more acceptable for you than others.

So...what kind of evidence do you have? Pictures, emails, call records...