I do not have too much evidence. Cell phone bills with odd number on them. And calls that are over an hour long. I also saw a few of the text messages they sent to each other, and I also have a copy of an email they sent when they said "I love you" to each other.

Bump...

And Welcome! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

The email is likely your best evidence to provide to her parents.

Exposing to her family will probably be a good starting point. If you know where she lives and can tell when her parents are home and she is not maybe you can try this:

Take a copy of the email (make sure you have another copy) along with a family photo of you, your H and your children to her parents house.

Introduce yourself as calmly as possible. Your heart will be racing and it will be unavoidable to show distress. I was not worried about that at all when I exposed to the OW's H in my sitch. I knew that if I remained calm and just got out the information my mission would be accomplished. What you need to do here is appeal to them as a parent...they are parents and having a picture of your children with you will put their faces in front of them and help you get them to see the people this relationship will hurt the most.

Tell them what you believe is going on with your H and their DD. Mention that you aren't trying to get her in trouble but you are trying to salvage your marriage and the home your children are being raised in.

If you feel comfortable doing so give them your contact informaiton so they call speak to you if they need to but I would not try to develop a friendship with them. Establish yourself as a loving mother and wife.

I say all of this because I do not know your personality and cannot tell if you are the type that might become angry and lash out. I know my initial instinct was to kick and claw but I had to be the bigger person to save my marriage.

Be prepared for how they might react. Go over different reactions in your mind and decide how you'll respond to each.

What if they become angry and call you a liar? How will you respond?

What if they already know? (it's not likely but we don't know that and it's best if you're prepared for all situations.)

What if they shocked and embarrassed? (this is the best possible reaction for the situation)

Now....do you think you can do this?

What about his family? Do you have a close enough relationship to approach them?

Continue to gather as much information as possible. I would advise against letting him know your sources...he'll likely stop those and find new ways to hide his tracks.

That's the way this goes...the cheating spouse gets better at cheating.

I am very sorry you are having to go through this but I want you to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Finding your way to this site and the members on this board is the first step to recovering your marriage.

I hope you are well today.

I am trying to dig up some more info on the OW. I have never met her before but I do have her address and her parents names and her home and cell phone number. She lives down the street so it should not be too hard to figure out when she is home or not. I also think that there may be another person, per cell phone bill found a number that I did call, got a voice mail for another girl and there has been a lot of calls to that number. I am not sure what her name was she said it on the voice mail but it was hard to make out. So I will have to try to do some more research on that. As for the other girl I am not sure if her parents know or not, I am assuming not. I know that my husband and her know each other because they are on a fire department together. I believe that is how they met. I got this info from the email that I have. Still uncertain if exposing is the best thing to do. I do have the support of his entire family that is why he has been pushing them away I think. They keep telling him he is going to ruin his life. I have not exposed to them yet. I think I might feel more comfortable doing this. I did talk to his Uncle who he considers his best friend and told him that I had found somethings but did not tell him what. I told him that I want to work on this but my WH will not listen to me. He said he would talk to him but I have not heard back on this yet and that was almost 2 weeks ago. The two of them do have plans to go out this weekend so I hope he talks to him then. I think I will wait to expose anything else at least untill then. Maybee that will be enough. Meanwhile my WH and I talk as if we are friends we are sleeping in the same bed but he is not trying to be physical with me at all. This is not normal. I keep tring to be intimate but he does not seem interested. Maybee I am trying too hard.

Okay another problem. Since I moved back home my husband and I have not really talked about the situation. How do I go about getting him to actually have a conversation on this? I do not want to push him further away but I dont think it is going to help anything if we will not talk about what is going on. He always says he does not feel like talking right now, but will never say when would be a good time. Any suggestions on this?

If I hadn't been through this exact same thing I would not be posting to you.

You have to expose...if you do a search on my username you will find my posts from before I exposed to the OWH and I said the exact same things you are saying now.

You have to expose to his family. They have to know about this...and they will help you...or should help support you through this. But keep in mind that they are HIS family so some might not be so supportive...especially if they are doing the same thing. I've heard of this happening from other posters and the WSs formed a sick bond in their lies.

Expose to your family as well...they will assuredly stand beside you.

The first person I called on DD was my H's Father. His father is like a father to me and has been since I was about 15 years old so it was an easy thing for me to do. He stood by me 100%. You will be surprised at how much support you receive once you expose the situation.

I'm concerned that you now think there are multiple OW. Are you positive that the other number you called was not just another number for the OW up the street?

If he's telling one woman he loves her you might expose him to both of his OW once you have solid proof. Sit back and let him hang himself....if you are able to gather all of this evidence without him knowing he will slip up on other things as well. Thus giving you more proof.

So you are sleeping in the same bed...but there no SF.

This is torture for you I know. I've been there as well.

When you try to talk to him what does he say?

If he's anything like my H he tries to make you feel paranoid and crazy...right?

Just saw your post...we must have been posting at the same time.

How do you get him to talk to you....well you can't make him do anything. He has to decide that for himself.

What you can do is create a place where he feels safe and not attacked. That's what plan A is all about.

During this period of my situation I was so traumatized I don't know how I got through it.

I didn't have MB but I had the books HNHN and SA. I cried all the time and wouldn't eat.

I was able to show him that I loved him and could forgive him.

I would just repeat that when the A would come up...of course he would deny it.

You have to show him that he has a safe place to fall but that he has to give this other woman (or women) up before you can both heal.

He truth remains...he can't run from this. He's ruining your marriage by having a relationship outside of the marriage. Your children are being impacted.

You have to plan A until you can't plan A anymore...then you have to move to plan B. I hope it doesn't come to that but you have to start preparing yourself now.

The first step to recovery is exposing.

When I try to get him to talk he states he dosnt know what he wants. When I tell him we need to work on it he says he dosnt believe that will work. He says it would work for a while and that things will just end up going back to the way they were before. He has told me he thinks I am depressed and need to go on medication. He has started taking some himself for depression.

You need to keep checking and find absolute proof, then expose the affair. Since she lives down the street it should be fairly easy to see if they are both gone from home at the same time.

Do you think you are depressed?

Yes I do think I am depressed. I am working on that as much as I can. I think it might be a little bit of post-partum depression. I know that I am not as depressed as I was when I left. That was rock bottom for me. I know that then I was feeling nothing. Now even though it hurts at least I can say that I am feeling something, and it is a lot better than feeling absolutly nothing.

Part of plan A is to work on yourself. So take some time for yourself now too.

If you can join a gym do it...working out will lift your spirits and make you feel better all around. If you can't join a gym find other ways to get exercise. Your baby is very young so taking walks with a stroller will allow you to get fresh air and exercise at the same time.

Believer is right...you need absolute proof and you need to expose.

How are your children during all of this? Is your oldest child aware of the sitch? Kids are the silent victims in this situaiton. Make sure they understand how much you love them.

Kids dont know too much of what is going on. Baby is doing fine. I have been blessed with one of the best babies ever. My 4 yr old has been acting somewhat different latley. Sometimes she will make comments. The other day she told me that she likes it when I smile. I try to hide as much of it as I can from her. But Im sure she knows something is going on. My WH does seem to take more interest in the kids now.

Chermel --

My husband showed more interest in our children during his A. It was a way of making himself feel better about what he was doing....sort of saying...what I'm doing is not hurting my kids...it's just hurting my wife and I don't love her anymore.

Your 4 year old is confused I"m sure. She's seeing her mommy sad all the time and that's hard for her. You will just have to continue to express your love for her and reassure her that one day things will be better.

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. It has to be so hard having 2 small children.

Have you thought more about exposing? The sooner you do the sooner this will all be over for you and your children. Have you read up on Plan A? Do you think you have the energy to take the steps described in Plan A?

You must be completely exhausted.

If you and your H are living in the same house describe a typical night. Are you walking around the house as if the other is not around? Are you fighting? Is there chit chat all the while avoiding what you are both thinking about? How does he act?

Also, have you put anymore thought into getting on some depression medication?

Yes, I am definitly still thinking of exposing still. I guess that I am just afraid that after exposing no one will care and that maybee I was the only one who didnt know in the first place. Although I know that his family dosnt know and they seem to support me I am not sure that I can count on that. I know my parents and family wil support me but I dont want them to have horrible feeling toward my husband for the rest of his life. He really is a good person. I know that they would resent him. My mom is constantly telling me he is a coward and that someone who acts this way has to have someone on the side. I just dont have the heart to tell her what I know yet. I have only deffinitly known now for about 2 weeks.

As for the living situation it is strange. At first he was so angry with me for comming back we barley talked. We are talking now. We seemed to get along pretty well last night. I am trying to be a loving wife. I gave him a foot massage and made small talk. We watched a program on tv that we both liked and found ourselves laughing in the same spots. But I can still feel a big void there. I can barley get him to look at me. He just seems to look right past me. He is definitly trying to keep me at some sort of a distance.

As far as the antidepressents go, I do have a dr's appt tomorrow. I am going to discuss that. Problem is I am breastfeeding and am not sure if I can take anything or not. Maybe worth stopping as all of the stress has effected the breastfeeding anyway. I am going to talk to the doctor tomorrow and see what she says. I know something needs to change because I am feeling extremely overwhelmed.

I'll say it again....you have to expose.

Start with your mom. You'll be amazed at the support she gives you. You do have to think that after all of this is over and your marriage is back together....she'll probably continue to have resentment towards your husband. That is part of his job though...in recovery. He will prove to your mother that he can make this situation right.

My H feels strained around my mom and dad even now. It's part of his guilt. He hurt me very bad....and they know that. The fact is.....your parents will have to forgive him just like you have to forgive him.

So expose to your mom and your family. Then expose to his family. It won't be pretty in the beginning but if you approach it in the right manner (the loving wife trying to save her M) it will put pressure on your WH to end the A.

But you have to keep showing him love and showing him that you can forgive and you still love him. Remember he has to feel safe coming home.

You can imagine that if you were crazy screaming and yelling all the time he would not feel safe. Read the books. Let him see you reading the books and offer him the books to read as well.

I think your approach to the anti-Ds is right. You'll need to ask the doctor about breastfeeding. The main point to make with your Dr. is to let them know what is going on and be open about thinking you might have postpartum depression as well. First and foremost if you are feeling like 'ending it all' at anytime you need to let your doctor know as well.

I'm sad to say it but I often thought of just 'ending it' during my situation. I do not think that is uncommon when you are hurting and feel like your life is never going to be different than it is at that moment. You just had a baby and pp depression can make you crazy without all of this madness!

no I am not thinging of "ending it all" I felt this way before I left. That is the main reason that I left home. But I have not felt that way since then. Now that I know what is going on and now that I am sure of what I want for myself and family.

It really sounds like you have your head on straight about this. I hope you can find the courage to expose and I hope your H wakes up soon and realizes what a wonderful W he has.