I'm 24, highly educated...very independent...one year from completion of my doctorate degree. I have been engaged for about 4 months and have made plans to get married in September. I have recently been dealing with feelings of uncertainty as to whether I should continue with wedding plans or call the whole thing off. One major thing I noticed a few weeks ago is that I am not excited to see him...shouldn't I be? I can't quite figure out why.

Basically, I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to deal with letting him down again...b/c in his eyes I've done it soooo many times.

Okay...so after talking to my pastor, I've decided to call the wedding off. He suggested I complete my doctoral program, get a good job, and then worry about a husband, as I have too much going on right now. I agreed with him when he said that if we're meant to be, that we'll be together in the end. He said when one gets married, their first priority should be their spouse. I'm not prepared to make that transition right now, as school and caring for my younger sister (which I forgot to mention earlier) are the most important facets of my life right now. I guess I just need advice on how to tell my fiance'. He overreacts and is very sensitive!

I'm glad you talked with you pastor and he was able to help you decide that calling off the wedding is the right thing for you at this time.

As far as telling your fiance. No matter how sincere or how easy you let him down...it's most like going to crush him. Could you both go to your pastor together? maybe having a "mediator" there will help ease the pain for him.

I think if you tell him the exact reasons why...finishing school, getting a job and taking care of your sister...he will eventually understand.

Do you want to end it completely? Or just call off the wedding and still stay engaged?

Cuz if you want to end it completely, be prepared for the worse. That's a lot of bad news to take in. I guess look at the situation from his shoes. Try to imagine him telling you that he wants to call off the wedding (or end the relationship). Maybe that will help you figure out the best way to tell him.

I wish you all the best...in your relationship and your career. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Do not forget that going to school is something you must do to care for your spouse. Completing what you need to do to become independent and self-sustaining(so that you can take care of him completely if ever the need arises) is taking care of him.

What I mean is, you're going to school for you, but you can go to school for him too.

Sounds like there's something to uncover in your having "let him down soooo many times." Have you?

What healing waits for you and your fiance in dealing with the issues of "letting him down" and him being "sensitive?"

Calling someone sensitive can be very insulting...especially calling a man sensitive. Maybe his feelings are justified, yet he hasn't been understood by you. Maybe you don't truly understand his feelings and therefore find him sensitive.

You might not be excited to see him because he may represent issues you haven't dealt with in yourself. Maybe the two of you are already starting to reflect each others worst selves...and that may a good thing.

Marital, even pre-marital difficulties might not be bad at all. I'm very happy you're talking with your pastor...there may be other folks you could confide in.

I'll come back to this as I need to run...but I did want to write that problems aren't always bad, that not being excited may be a "feeling" that you'll have to "peel" in order to get to the juicy insides, and that I'm glad you're seeking counsel.

Best of luck,
D--

i agree with D-- interpersonal relationships are catalysts for personal growth and change