I am a very by the book, straight up, person most of the time. I always strive to do the best I can in everything I do.
Since my WHs A I have found that I am different. I cut down from a 40 hour a week job, to 16 hours a week, and wanting to even quit at times.I am having many thoughts going through my head about life, relationships, and lifestyles.
I have posted on one thread about even my sexuality being in question. I now find myself wanting and needing to go back to old coping techniques that worked when I was younger. Like alcohol and drugs. I keep thinking about this and fight myself everyday.
I have not touched alcohol or drugs for over 18 years!!
What is going on?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />
JE

Well, you are dealing with a tragedy in your life. A possible life-changing event. Something as tragic as this is sure to make you think about life all together.

It sounds like you might be giving up on things(life) - are you on AD's?

Don't turn to drugs or alcohol. Your're problem will still be there when you come down off your high or sober up.

Why is it that you cut down so drastically on your work hours?

Kim

You are going through the things that a BS goes through. It would be nice to think that alcohol and drugs would help. But I think you know that is not the case.

This is a time of intense questioning. My whole life completely changed after D-day. But I'm happy with the change.

Hang in there and don't let this stuff get you down.

Kim,
I cut back on hours to be with WH on his days off. A month after I did that and gave up the 40 hours a week job, he moved to a different shift and different days off. Go figure. Now I get to sit home and contemplate life all day long. Dont get me wrong, I am quite busy with 4 kids and I breed dogs, so plenty to do. But time at home does that to ya I think
Actually I am not depressed. I was right after dday and down on myself. Now I am thinking about my happiness a little to much sometimes.
Since meeting WH in 1987 I have never touched alcohol or drugs. I used them to cope with a series of tragedies in my life. Just found a wonderful man that loved me for who I was and didnt need to just cope anymore. No withdrawls, no nothing. Just quit.
Now since DDAY I have been uptight, stressed, and feeling like I need to loosen up. Not be the prude that I have been for many months. I never experienced life on the outside. Went from an abusive home to his arms. I met him right after a suicide attempt, he was my knight in shining armor and saved my life.
Now that shining armor is tarnished. My best friend is gone. I do not love him. I will stay in the home until the kids graduate HS as will he.
I do for the kids, the marriage, the dogs, the house, work, friends, family, and even strangers. I want to do for me.. I have not been able to do anything for me since dday. Felt guilty, like I didnt deserve it because I couldnt keep even him happy, etc. Now I feel like my whole life is ahead of me and want so much more. I dont want to be second best or someone he came back to because it was over for them.
Is this wrong? Am I just being selfish? Am I truely nuts or is this normal at some point with BS?

Believer,
Thank you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />
About the drugs and alcohol though. How many people havent used alcohol to just unwind. Not get drunk per say, but a glass of wine or a day of me, getting nails done, shopping, etc. I do nothing like that. Since DDAY in May I went out ONCE!! To a strip club with friends for a bday party for a lesbian friend of ours. That is it. Nowhere. Most going out I do is to walmart to get groceries and house stuff,work, and toteing the kids all over creation for after school stuff. You know responsible mom, wife, homeowner.
I just sometimes feel like I need to get a twisted something or other and sit and relax. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Lady, I invite you to pick a half-dozen of the longest threads out here and review them closely. The sense of disorientaton, rejection, and loss are entirely normal. They happen to every BS.

You have forgotten that Plan A is about you, not him. In Plan A, you resolve that you won't drive him away with disrespectful judgements, anger, etc. You examine yourself for things that might have contributed to his vulnerability to having an affair, that's true. But you also work on YOU and making you feel good about yourself. Start a good, long book that will distract you as you read. Is there a little hobby you've always wanted to check out? How about finally doing those laps around the block you've been meaning to. Read up on that recipe you've been wanting to try.

See what I'm getting at? You keep yourself busy making "improvements" in yourself. Just keeping busy is good, in and of itself. Making improvements makes you feel better about yourself...and lead to still more improvements. These (both physical and emotional) make you more attractive to your WH but they're almost a by-product.

Stay focused and hang in there, lady. We're thinking of you.

Longhorn,
That is just it. When you improve and change so much that ole' unattractive, boring, nagging me turns into "hey wow I look so much better, getting itchy about what else there is out there, NO LBing, NO DJs, and FWH or WH(no clue which it is)is sooo in love now, but I am not. I started doing for me in the home, a gym, treadmill, books, MB, self help books, cleaning when angry(hey it works) to get frustrations out on the dirt instead of being a nag, and IC to get over my skeletons in the closet. Just not anything outside of the home so much.
What do I do now? I almost feel like a 20ish gal trapped in a 35plus life. Kids all growing up, off doing many things, and thinking to future when the venture off into life and I am left home alone in 3 years. Maybe I am getting my MLC a little early and may only live till I am 70ish...
JE

Kinda like this:

It's My Turn
Diana Ross
(Mchael Masser/C. B. Sager)

I can't cover up my feelings
In the name of love
Or play it safe
For a while that was easy
And if living for myself
Is what I'm guilty of
Go on and sentence me
I'll still be free

It's my turn
To see what I can see
I hope you'll understand
This time's just for me

Because it's my turn
With no apologies
I've given up the truth
To those I've tried to please

But now it's my turn
If I don't have all the answers
At least I know I'll take my share of chances
Ain't no use of holding on
When nothing stays the same

So I'll let it rain
'Cause the rain ain't gonna hurt me
And I'll let you go
'Though I know it won't be easy

It's my turn
With no more room for lies
For years I'd seen my life
Through someone else's eyes

And now it's my turn
To try and find my way
And if I should get lost
At least I'll own today

It's my turn
Yes, it's my turn
And there ain't no use in holding on
When nothing stays the same

So I'll let it rain
'Cause the rain ain't gonna hurt me
And I'll let you go
'Though I know it won't be easy

It's my turn
To see what I can see
I hope you'll understand
This time's just for me

Because it's my turn
To turn and say goodbye
I sure would like to know
That you're still on my side

Because it's my turn
It's my turn

It's my turn
To start from number one
Trying to undo
Some damage that's been done

But now it's my turn
To reach and touch the sky
No one's gonna say
At least I didn't try

It's my turn
Yes, it's my turn
It's my turn
It's my turn
It's my turn

I understand your frustration. You've got your rearing of children pretty much out of the way and you're still a young woman, wondering what's next to do. I can relate to that. I was a grandfather at 41. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

It has been a good length of time since your D-day. I gather you feel Plan A has run its course and hasn't revived the love between you and your husband? I'm pro marriage, and that's the whole reason for this board's existence, but if you've tried everything and the love has been burned out...sometimes Plan D is the appropriate thing to happen. There's no sense in staying in loveless marriage "for the kids." They know exactly what is going on and the purpose of staying together is defeated easily.

I sense, and I freely admit I am frequently wrong, that you're setting yourself up to go down the same path your WH did. Please don't do that. Keep on the high road. If you have to use Plan D, do it with your integrity intact.

Thank you Longhorn.
I didnt want to lead to that, but that is how I have been feeling lately. That I am heading down that path of destruction and I know I am better than that.
I have had it all screwed up from the git go.
I kept trying to keep him home and happy, then work a little on me, then fall back into his selfish demands, and the cycle has kept on going. I was enabling this to happen, I just kept giving and giving and not recieving anything in return.
I do want to love him again, but have been waiting, quite patiently until lately, for him to become a partner again.
I have told him honestly about my feelings of loneliness, hurt, sorrow, loss of love and friendship, and that others are beginning to fill these needs. He and I have read all of the Harleys books, but he just doesnt seem to get it.
I plan A'd it till the cows were supposed to come home, and he still truely didnt get it. I have reread selfish demand areas and other books on this. He can only think about how things will affect him, not another human being. What will I get out of this. He has acknowledged this many times, says he will work on it, but nothing changes.
So I guess the Harleys are right, after giving and giving your taker comes out. I need to hit my taker over the head with a two by four...lol
So no you are not wrong. I just need to grow up is the best way I can put it. I cannot change him, no matter how much I try too.
Thank you for listening and responding.
JE

Please don't forget that alcohol is a depressant. If you are depressed, it is the LAST thing you need. It becomes a downward spiral because when you get more depressed, you want more alcohol to deal with it.

T-
I have seen what it can do. WH is a recoving alcoholic. He has been sober to say since 1988, has a beer once in a great while during the summer most. Not something I am willing to take up. I was just speaking of the have a drink to unwind every once in a while. Forget about the chores and M stuff and just relax. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />
It did help me when I was younger. I was never addicted to alcohol or drugs. I may be an exception but I am sure that there are others too, that can have a drink and chill out sometimes and not be an alcoholic.
I am a very uptight, by the book kinda person. Dont speed and actually go pulled over for going under the speed limit once <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />, nurse at work, home, everywhere I go. My one big vise is that I am not really into church. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />
I think that sometimes I dont know how to relax. Having 4 kids under 4 at the age of 21, never stopping for a moment to enjoy life, just keep going like the energizer bunny. Now with the kids off enjoying thier childhood, which I never did, and WH working 3-11 so I never see him, I am alone more and find my self thinking alot and wanting to just relax and smell the proverbial flowers, but I have never known how.
I am just being honest here. It has been eating at me lately. I read up on WAT guidelines. I know I am in danger of an affair and I do not want to go there. I needed to work on me, and I think this is part of it. Other BS may have been there and I was just hopeing that I was not alone in this. Maybe some suggestions on how not to have an affair, how to relax with or without a drink once in awhile, how to not feel so selfish every time I buy a package of underwear just for me (which I am sure that more than just me has felt selfish for that) when mine have so many holes they look like swiss cheese. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Nooooooooooooo

Your Taker loves you at the expense of the needs of others .... but loves you nonetheless

Talk to your Taker and feed her something good ... like a spa day or somthing non-toxic to life as a family

I suggest you get some individual counseling. There are a lot of things about yourself that you need to change. You remind me a lot of myself.

I helped raise 8 kids - yep 8. I also worked outside of the home. So you know how busy I was. My whole life revolved around the kids. I did NOTHING for myself, but I was happy then.

As soon as the kids were grown, my husband left me for a woman 20 years younger - a woman who was willing to abandon her 12 year old daughter to live with my husband.

I wish I knew then what I know now. It is absolutely essential to take care of yourself too. You have a few more years, so get busy.

It took me losing my husband to make the necessary changes. Now my life is good, and I do lots of things for me. And I don't feel guilty because I know I deserve them.

I think you will get there too.

Pep,
Hmmm non-toxic, but not girly. I am a jeans and t shirt or sweat pants kind gal, more testosterone in me then estrogen I think. Havent worn a dress since wedding day on 1988 <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Would love to learn to fly, but afraid of heights. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
Maybe join a gym, but not real good time with my(how do I say this) loneliness I am feeling. I know I am way too vulnerable to be around a whole lot of people.
I show cats in the spring and summer alot, but not time to start that for a couple of months. Just started that after DDAY and love it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Have read about 25 books since DDAY. Not working.
Maybe its the spring itch. Darn, I am such a bore.
I will keep thinking.

Well, you can sit around and wait to do things until your kids are grown - just a few more years - or you can get busy NOW. Sometimes you have to force yourself to get out and do things.

I'm a cat lover too. I have 2 rescued cats. One someone dumped where I work - he was out in the fields fending for himself. The other was my son's girlfriend's kitty. Her dad died and the family lost there home and had to move to an apartment that wouldn't take pets. I love both of my cats.

Start making yourself do a couple of things every week. I let everyone know that I was in the mood to do things, and have done all sorts of stuff.

well

my "spa day" suggestion was not a particular girly-oriented suggestion .... the above comment was actually of some concern to me

not knowing how to relax can make your time on Earth less fulfilling than it could be

Your problem is probably that you put everyone else first for so long that you have lost touch with JustEmpty.

I read somewhere that one way to get yourself out doing things is to think of activities, and rank them from 1 to 10 on how much you think you would enjoy them. Then pick one and do it, and rank it again afterwards. You often find that you enjoy things much more than you would think.

Believer,
I think that might have hit it on the head. I am his wife, thier mother, her friend....who the heck am I? What do I want? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />
I will rank my list. I will try at least one and do it. Will update ya.

Pep,
I am sorry. I was not picking on the spa at all. Its just a visual I get about spas in general <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />. And I think with being so wound up as a wife, mother, friend, daughter, survivor of sexual abuse that day to day living has always been just that. I lived each day for everyone else. I did go to IC and dealt with alot of surpressed things of my past, and the parts I contributed to the his A, and I feel like a new person is waking up inside of me. New person, just not sure who that person is or if I care alot for that person just yet, as I am so used to giving and not doing for myself.
I cannot change my WH. I accept this for the first time.
I can change myself. In that change, I am trying to find a way to do it without losing everything.
Thank you for your help everyone.
I will go sit and make a list and rank it.