I wrote the NC letter and emailed it, after getting TD's approval. Perhaps this will satisfy everyone here and prove that I am actually trying to work at fixing my M. Oh, and for the record....all of you who've sided with TD during this battle are DEAD wrong. Jennifer reamed him pretty fiercly tonight, and I didn't say a WORD to her. I let HIM tell her what happened last night, and he used up 90% of "our" session. I didn't want my WW "fog" to sway her opinion about the events of last night.

29 January 2006

Dear OM,

I’m writing this because I need to let you know that you won’t be hearing from me again. I am trying to focus on my marriage, and having you in my life is the exact opposite of what is good for me right now. I’m asking that you not try to contact me ever again.

I’m not going to “out” you to your fiancee, but I hope that you really think about what happened between us this summer, what’s going on with you and your fiancee, and what you REALLY want from your relationship with her. You and she have a BIG issue that needs to be dealt with BEFORE you get married. It’s probably a good idea to get this summer out in the open with her, too. She has the right to know what you were up to, because having this HUGE lie hanging over your head before the two of you get married will eventually eat you alive. I know that you don’t want your relationship with your fiancee to end up the way your marriage to your ex-wife ended. Just think about that…and stay off Yahoo!

Crystal

crystal... that is certainly a step in the right direction. Kudo's to you, even though it's not "exactly" true to form w/what is recommended here, but that's water under the bridge. Now, maintaining the NC is the important next step.

I read both of the threads between you and your BH yesterday and it became pretty heated. I suspect this is a long pattern you and your H have. The charge/countercharge you two made between you, filled with Love Busters, will only lead you to more dissapointment and sadness.

Please, both of you, stop and think when you talk. Measure your words to convey what you mean, with an absence of attitude, disrespectful judgements, angry outburst and the like. It can be done.... and that does not mean you cannot disagree. Sometimes you have to agree to a time out, so calmer minds prevail, and the topic at hand is not lost in anger, insults and isolation.

Truth be known, your marriage is not unlike many others who just became complacent in communicating with each other.

Please, work on communicating, while always placing the feelings of the other spouse first. Peaceful coexistance, while making genuine strides to positively impact your marriage will lead to a lot of healing.... and the rewards will be well worth it.

Best wishes,
SD

crystal
Why do you want to work on your marriage?
What about TD makes you want to stay enuf for all this drama?

PS.. TD if you agreed to stay off each others threads
why are you on every one of crystal's? She has already asked you more than once not to Post. I might be wrong but is that not an LB?

^^^bump to top^^^

Crystal:

I'm glad you sent a letter, though it's sad that you don't believe the OMGF should be informed by someone OTHER THAN the OM. I would bet large sums of other people's money that he won't say a word - and the cycle will repeat at some point in time.

More important: The NC letter is for YOU and TD. Who cares what WE think? You don't have 2 impress us. We know how hard this is for you (and TD).

I'm ac2ally glad that Jennifer drilled TD. I think at some point ALL of us BSs need a "comin' 2 Jesus meeting" about our own behavior, especially early post- d-day behavior, just as the WS needs 2 have a knot jerked upside THEIR haids (figuratively, of course, not physically) for being so selfish and having an A.

Let the recovery begin!

best,
-ol' 2long

Crystal-

I think that your NC letter is a great step in the right direction, and I am very proud of you.

I just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone, and although I am also a BS that I don't judge you for the things you've done in the past and I wish you nothing but happiness for your future.

God Bless,

-Caren

Crystal, like everyone else I've been giving your sitch a lot of thought. It's cos we care you know.

Like Top Rope said we were all so quick to jump on you and yet, if you read ANY of the articles on the site, they all say the same thing. That the BS can't expect anything in the way of having their own needs met to begin with and that's why Plan A is so hard.

You and TD have a complicated sitch but I've seen worse sitch's turned around on the board.

I'd like to think you're both reading and absorbing what's being said here by people who've seen it all before (many times) and have given very, very good advice.

Crystal,
I am impressed you did another NC letter...you are making an effort.

How do you feel about your session w/ Jennifer? Did you get anything out of it? Will you have the opportunity to speak to her alone?

I know that the NC letter doesn't totally conform to MB standards, but TD approved it. I'd written a NC letter back in June or July, I think, but I didn't give up contact until the end of July. I stayed NC for 2 1/2 months, I think, but TD started falling back into his old pattern as he got further into the semester at school, and I felt lonely again. My depression was getting worse, and I know that's not an excuse at all. My heart was so broken, and I was so desperately lonely that I needed someone comforting to talk to. Again, I know that's not an excuse...nor is the fact that my parents disowned me during this time (the most needy time in my life). Again, still not an excuse. And, I didn't pick up the PA with OM...it was continuation of EA. I only saw him one time since the first NC letter in June/July, and it's a long story about why I saw him...it involved getting some answers I needed, but I wound up teaching him a HUGE lesson.

As far as OM GF goes, I don't feel the need to tell her about him. I really believe that he won't see anyone else on the side. I'm sure that I'm just too trusting of his character. I know he REALLY loves her, but it's a relatively sex-less relationship...and she proclaims to be bi-sexual, which is a whole other issue entirely. I kept telling him that he needed to get the sex thing straightened out before they get married this fall. But none of that is my problem.

The real reason I didn't want to write the NC letter this time is because contact had fallen off. I hadn't contacted him in quite a while, and he hadn't contacted me. I honestly felt that sending the NC letter would only bring me to the front of his mind again, making it MORE likely for him to want to contact me. People may say that's "fog speak" but it's honestly the thought process I went through.

We're getting the anger thing under control. That's NOT an everyday occurence around here. TD hasn't figured out that it's best not to talk when you're angry. I figured that out a LONG time ago, but he wants to resolve everything right away, before the dust has settled. Jennifer Harley has given us both tools to deal with these situations. We'll see if it works. I have told him in no uncertain terms that if he ever corners me like that again, I'm leaving for good...and I told Jennifer that too. Saturday night brought back all the fear from the time this summer that he did the same thing, and I honestly felt like I had to fight my way out of there. I know that isn't an excuse for my behavior either. TD and I don't have "fights" very often...maybe once a month or so. Much of the time we resolve things through Yahoo! IMs...he'll be on one floor of the house, and I'll be on another.

Crystal

Crystal,
I havent posted to your thread before. I just started following it recently and frankly I was pretty damn p-o'd at what I read. And that is from both sides. It really bothered me that I thought you guys had no chance. The reason it bothered me is that I know that God can perform miracles that we cant even conceive. And he can do it in the blink of an eye. And I know now that it is possible for you guys to save your marriage, restore your love for one another, and raise your children better than this culture expects us to.
It appears to me that the tone of your last post is a departure from what I had previously read. It also brought home the fact that you are still on one heck of an emotional rollercoaster. I know that TD is in the same spot.
I hope that both you and TD can get to a point where you are both of the same mind to save your marriage and your family. When you get to that point, I believe that you will be surprised at how the dynamics of how your relationship will change. When you go back to your vows, you guys committed to being a team. Right now divorce is the enemy of your team. You guys must pull together to do this successfully. If you two can get to that point, I believe that you will win your battle. As bad as things have been, wont the restoration of your love be a tremendous story of inspiration for others that are experiencing the pain that you two are feeling now?
I guess what I am saying is that this endeavor has a higher calling than what you may even realize at this point.
You have taken your share of 2x4's and I know that is tough. I admire the fact that you take them and you are still here. That says a lot more to me about what you know to be right than a lot of other things.


In my prayers!
WCNT

Monny,



I'm staying for my kids. That is THE ONLY reason I've stayed. (I know TD is reading this, and I really don't like to hurt him, and I really don't TRY to hurt him purposely...well, most of the time...but this is the truth.) I've thought about how much it would hurt them to have us split. They love me and they love their daddy, and I remember seeing their faces when we told them that I'd be moving out for a while so that daddy and I could work things out because we weren't getting along. TD is not a bad guy. I just fell out of love with him a long time ago. He and I have never really communicated well. I'm not sure that he hears me when I speak, and maybe that's a male/female thing, or perhaps it's our different perspectives...who knows?

Again, it's not TD I'm staying for. I've wanted to leave a thousand times...have hunted for apartments, had a bag packed for me and the kids a couple years ago.... I HATE the drama. I thought about leaving so many times when I caught him looking at porn and it hurt me so deeply that he was spending time on that rather than with me. I threatened to leave "the next time" I caught him. And then, the "next time." I kept/keep giving him second chances. And I know that I did plenty of stuff to hurt him too. Part of the reason I stay is that I honestly don't like to hurt anyone's feelings, and I know that's probably very hard for MBs to believe after reading some of my posts.

Crystal

P.S.--TD was on my threads because his "taker" was out in full force. He's doing much better now after his "pep talk" from Jennifer last night. He wrote me a nice letter and left it in the fridge for me to find. And, when he came home he brought me a HUGE balloon (2 dolphins kissing) with a little stuffed frog holding chocolate candy. Much better than flowers.

Jennifer spent about 90% of "our" session with TD. I think he needed more of a pep talk than I did. She got him to get out of his taker mode.

Crystal

I have to say that it's REALLY tough staying with TD when I don't love him and we push each other's buttons so well. Everything in my being wants to be out that door, to get away from all the confrontations...to start my life over. I've always said that I was terrified of being alone. But, as I really started thinking about it, I realized that I'd rather live alone for the rest of my life than live life the way I currently am.

I don't know how all of this is going to turn out. Sometimes I think that I just don't have enough faith that this can get better. And I guess part of that is because I feel a little disconnected from God right now because of what's been going on with me and TD. Because of our possible separation, I stepped down from the worship team at church. That felt like ripping my own heart out with my bare hands. Worship team has always been my refuge...sort of a mini-vacation for me. Now there aren't any mini-vacations. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Crystal

Crystal,
God never disconnects from us. It is always the other way around. Somehow or another you have made that choice.
I had a friend tell me that her goal was to get through each day trying to not do anything that would compromise her relationship with her heavenly father. Can you see how approaching our lives like that will enable everything else to fall into place for us?
Worship team? Are you kidding me? That right there convinces me even more that you have the opportunity I spoke about previously. Wow! What a story that will result in praises to God! That is where your happiness will come from. For both you and TD. You guys can be the example and not another damn statistic.

Crystal:

"I know that the NC letter doesn't totally conform to MB standards, but TD approved it."

Then that is sufficient.

"I stayed NC for 2 1/2 months, I think, but TD started falling back into his old pattern as he got further into the semester at school, and I felt lonely again."

I've been here long enough now, and read about si2ations like yours and mine enough times 2 know that although your fear that TD was going back 2 old patterns is why you felt lonely, I bet it's not. It's likely rooted entirely within yourself. But in any case, the only person you can effect is you, so I would only ask that, if TD were 2 fall back in2 old patterns (your perception, remember) at this time, what would you do? re-contact OM? Or some other OM?

"My depression was getting worse, and I know that's not an excuse at all."

I submit that your depression was exacerbated by you having had the A, not by anything that TD did or didn't do.

"My heart was so broken, and I was so desperately lonely that I needed someone comforting to talk to."

But the OM is a confirmed liar and cheat. How comforting would reinitiating contact really be with someone like that?

"Again, I know that's not an excuse..."

No, it's not. And though it may seem like a reason, it's not the root cause.

"nor is the fact that my parents disowned me during this time (the most needy time in my life). Again, still not an excuse."

No, it's not. Why did they disown you? Because of your choices? Or something else? (I really don't know).

"And, I didn't pick up the PA with OM...it was continuation of EA. I only saw him one time since the first NC letter in June/July, and it's a long story about why I saw him...it involved getting some answers I needed, but I wound up teaching him a HUGE lesson."

But you need 2 remember that any kind of contact is a slap in TD's face, and sets you back as well.

Also, about staying only for the kids? That's normal, and a perfectly sound reason for staying at this time. With time, you may be surprised at how your feelings 2ward your H will improve.

I hope JL comes here and reads this. I think it would be great if you could look up SKM's Chronicles - of what she went through after ending her A - setbacks and disillusionment of her recovery. Just like you. Just like everybody goes through.

I'm also not surprised that Jennifer spent more time with TD than with you. I suspect it wasn't for the reason you are inferring here. But it's a good reason...

best,
-ol' 2long