He left yesterday and though it's not what I want, it's what had to be.

How to I start plan B? do I write a letter? I told him yesterday when he was leaving that until he gets his act together he and I will have no contact except about our kids.

What now?

Well hon, what's the rest of your story?? Did you do a fantastic Plan A???? You need to make sure you did that first.

God Bless,

-Caren

Yeah, since Novemeber I did an almost perfect plan A. It didn't matter He is living in some fantasy la-la land when the grass is greener and nothing matters but his happiness. I went through 3 months with no LB's, I was the perfect little Susie Homemaker and wife. I actually thought things were going well until he said nothing has changed. I still stuck with my plan A until a week ago when I asked him to commit or leave. As you see, he left.

Guess I should say next week would have been our 17th anniversary. Me 45 him 43

First things first:

What legal arrangements do you have? If you have none, better to secure this before Plan B.

Also, have you accomplished full exposure?

I don't have legal arrangements. What do I need? Do you mean file for divorce?

His parents don't even know that he moved out. He told my oldest daughter that they don't need to know yet. Should I tell them? I swear, I don't have any idea what I'm doing

Is legal separation available in your state/province/territiory? Where do you live? What are your financial resources?

What arrangements do you have with paying the bills, etc?

What understanding do you have with him regarding child support,visitation, etc?

Have you read Surviving An Affair?

What do you know about the OW?

Please read the exposure link in my sig line below.

I'm in Ohio and yes I think we have legal separation. My life story could be "Caught in the path of the Tornado". I have MS, I also have lingering effects from 2 serious car accidents in the pat 10 years. My mother passed away 6 years ago, my father passed away 4 months ago, my siblings don't speak to me. I can't work because of physical limitations. My husband was the sole supporter. I don't qualify for SS disability as I worked a private pension system and no SS. Hubby says he will pay the bills but he can't be trusted. Our daughter is 15 and can choose to see him or not, though I will encourage it even though she's a mess right now.

The OP is a co-employee and, as of now, it's only an emotional affair. Hubby's company doesn't allow family members to work for the company. I'm sure they would frown on affairs at work. He is the boss and may be fired.

In November, when this all came to a head, I called my mother-in-law, whom I am close to. She kind of blew it off saying she is sorry but won't take sides. My sister-in-law said she had talked to him and sorry we weren't happy. Two of hubby's brothers are divorced because of their spouses having affairs and are hated by the family. It doesn't make sense to me why they think it's ok for hubby to do this.

I read some of your links and am reading more. I don't even know if I'm making sense here. Even to me, knowing this is completely true, it seems like fiction it's so unreal.

I suggest you get an attorney right away to advise you on how to financially protect yourself and your daughter.

Can you say "sexual harassment"? Depending on the ethics of the company, he could be on the street in a heartbeat. What kind of company is this? You don't have to name it, but is it well known?

WAT

yes, it's a nationwide retailer. I'm sure there's one in a mall near you.

Most importantly, get yourself an attorney.

DO NOT assume your H will honor any verbal commitments he has made. You need these in writing and to be binding. If a legal separation is available in Ohio, this will do the trick. In some U.S. states you have to file for divorce to get this protection. In these cases you can file but at the same time make it clear that you want to reconcile, I believe.

Once all this is done, if you choose, you may be able to upset the affair in the workplace by making an allegation of sexual harassment. Even today you can poke around by asking questions at the corporate level to measure their sensitivity. "What is the company policy on workplace affairs between employees? What if the employees are in a supervisor/subordinate situation?"

What do you know about OW? Married?

WAT

She is on her 3 marriage and has 3 children. I have met her and she just started working for him in September. As far as I can tell, the EA began in October. The company policy, as I did look in my hubby's employment manuals, is strictly NO to any and all relationships in the workplace.

Thank you for the advice on calling an attorney. I will do that ASAP. It's so hard to be logical through all of this.

follow WAT's guidance young grasshopper --- he will not lead you down the wrong path ----

Plan B after your ducks are lined up

Plan B should be as prepared and as NON-emotional as possible

there is a thread of Plan B sample letters --- I will bump it up ... and you can start writing yours --- but do not send it until all your water fowl are co-axially alligned

Thanks for the advice and thanks for bumping the thread with the letters. I will read it.

I don't know how to feel. I am hurt and upset but mainly, right now, I'm angry that he left me to clean up his mess with our 15 year old. When he left she was half hysterical and I hugged her and told her he wasn't leaving her, that he loved her and would always be her dad and be there when she needs him. She replied "he already left me". He's been gone 24 hours and has called her 4 times and every time he calls, she pretends to be ok on the phone but when she hangs up she cries and cries.

at least she feels safe to be REAL with you .... put your arms around her and cry with her .... I have done that with my teen at times when we were both sad ... and it is a good thing to cry together ... then laff at yourselves with red noses and TammyFay running mascara....

it's OK to be real

YOU have to suffer her pain right now, because you are her only sane parent at the moment

a sacrifice, for sure

but you do it gladly

Because you've been married over 10yr can't you qualify for SS disabilty through his SS? I suppose you've already checked this out...

thanks Pepper I never really thought of it that way. I really fear what this is doing to her. I see so many changes in her but he seems to have blinded himself to them.

Trix we checked into this but according to them, we make too much money to qualift. I guess that's changed now. I'll check again. Thanks

Please do not lessen his offense, make excuses for him, or make predictions about what he'll do for your daughter. Your daughter already recognizing that what he's doing is hurtful is an ace up your sleeve. Don't call him pond scum to her face (you can think it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> ) but it's wise in my opinion to honestly state to her that what he's doing is wrong and is not how a loving father or husband is supposed to act. You can also tell her that if she doesn't want to speak with him, that's her decision - that to "pretend" to be OK on the phone with him is being dishonest, and if it's one thing needed in abundance right now in your family, it's honesty. Understand?


She's right.

WAT

Also, what is your evidence of the affair?

WAT

thanks WAT. I did have a conversation with her last night about honesty and how important it is. I think she fears losing him if she shows how she really feels.

I hired a PI before Christmas. He found nothing. But being that Christmas is busy in retail and that after the holidays he started puling away again AND I found unusual charges on credit card and bank statements, I re-hired him and he found them having breakfast together and holding hands, stopping for drinks after work, and him meeting her when he was telling me he was in meetings. (I just realized that I think I never posted this).

My daughter, whom he raised, age 22 is also fence sitting. She tells me that she doesn't think what he is doing is right, she says she tells him the same thing, but then she defends "his right to be happy". Thats worries me. She's getting married in the fall and I don't want her going into marriage with those thoughts and feelings.

Hubby and I just had a scream fest on the phone. Well, one of us was screaming and it wasn't me. He his angry because our 15 year old daughter said she isn't ready to see him and he said that I planted the thought in her mind. He is blaming everything on me.

I aslo found out that he told his parents. They of course took his side.