My X did really well in terms of trying to do what it would take to keep me/the marriage after he confessed to his A. Plus in all the years of our relationship he has been great to me. I can honestly admit that if any WS ever deserved a second chance it was him but I didn't and can't do so. I just couldn't give back my heart to him.

When I am on here and I read of so many BSs still willing to work at their marriage with a WS who had a long affair or multiple As, I wonder if something is wrong with me. Not to mention the cases where the WSs are hardly willing to even try, yet some continue on with Plan A etc and still determine to save the marriage and be with that person. This makes me feel like I am an evil, unforgiving person at times - after all it was just one time, plus he made so much effort, plus he's a really good man/H in general.

Is something wrong with me? Am I evil and unforgiving? Is there anyone else that has done this?

of course you're not evil. My husband is the same way. He's a good man, but just cannot forgive me in his heart. I just know that the crisis of the affair had the potential of helping us rebuild a much stronger marriage. PLUS, it pains me that he hasn't always been perfect and that I have forgiven him for some very serious transgressions. His response has always been that I am just a better and more forgiving person that he is...
He's divorcing me and there doesn't seem to be anything I can do...and I've tried everything.

If we have divorced our WS does this mean we have NOT forgiven? If so this would mean that all BSs would have to stick with the marriage just to prove forgiveness.

My husband is also divorcing me becuase of one affair. What is so disheartening is that I had much more faith in him and our marriage than he did. And my story sounds much like that of hopefulcis, he was never perfect and did many things to drive me away although he has never admitted to this. I'm not saying that his faults were a good reason to do what I did. They weren't. I shouldve just left him a long time ago with the things he really loved. Because at the time, and even more now, I didn't really feel loved. I felt like a friend, someone to serve him. I love him so much and would do anything to make this work, but he doesn't want to so what else is there to do? You are not evil, just unforgiving. My husband has an unforgiving heart. There is nothing I can do about that, that is between he and someone else.

So as I hear if your a BS and you are divorcing your unforgiving. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Whatever.


I would never count on having a affair to help rebuild a marriage!


Remaining faithfull would work!

Sorry for being so harsh but when you were having your affair you had to know there was a possibility you would get cought and the BS would leave. It would be good for the marriage to survive but if the BS looses all respect, love, and trust what kind of a marriage do you have? I say this from the experiance that I did recommit to the relationship after WW's first affair and tried through the second. It didn't work and everyone needs to make the decision for themselves on what they should do. Who is to say what the right decision is for that person but that person.

This was a hard lesson to learn for the WS but I hope for all your loved ones involved you have learned. It seems many don't and continue on with this behavior withing time as if it is a charactor flaw.

NOT even.

you are neither evil nor are you unforgiving ... you are simply making a choice that is right for you

being called "unforgiving" ... because you choose fidelity over infidelity ... is just biased in favor of accepting a marriage after infidelity .... and this is bias is just not correct

YOU can forgive your husband and choose NOT to remain married after infidelity

get your gender straightened out before you change your story once more ---- here's your previous post payingnow

Yes - I've done the same thing. No, you're not evil for this and I do not know if you've forgiven him. If not - I hope that one day you do.

At the end of the day (actually more like a year) - I decided that the betrayal, deceit, disrespect and total destruction of our family was more than I was willing to handle - although she was not as willing to work on our M with the same enthusiasm that you're describing. I've forgiven her long ago and hope she finds peace and whatever else it is that she's looking for.

Can I ask you though: What are the specific reasons that you cannot give your heart back to him? This is not a set-up; I am curious as to your thoughts and emotions about this.

Thanks & good luck.

FR

I guess that I would fall into your definition. I packed my bags after a brief 2 day reconciliation( initiated by me) when she lied to me once again. I left almost two years ago and have never crossed the threshold of our marital home since that unbelievable day.

Funny, but I think I could have forgiven her almost anything except since the day I left, she seems to have been on a personal crusade to wreck every relationship that she could insert herself into. Having to deal with the betrayed GF's and fiancee's as they come to me for solace and answers ,has so horrified me that now I have no doubt that Satan can exist and indeed flourish in some people.

I caught the same thing regarding the gender confusion but didn't bring it up.

Good eye <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I am so happy that so many of you have responded. Thanks a lot everyone. I will get back soon with my replies.

<< What is so disheartening is that I had much more faith in him and our marriage than he did.>>

Payingnow:
May I assume that this was after ur A? It is hard to imagine you feeling this way before you did. If so then there would have been no A, right?

You and hopefulcis are stating that we the BSs have our faults too, we are not perfect and you have forgiven us of many things therefore we have every right to do the same for you and your A.

You are right - we are not perfect.

<< I'm not saying that his faults were a good reason to do what I did. They weren't.>> Right again.


But saying we have unforgiving hearts..........well you all do make us feel that way..........thats what my thread is all about, isn't it.

RHM:

"<< I just know that the crisis of the affair had the potential of helping us rebuild a much stronger marriage. >>"


<< I would never count on having a affair to help rebuild a marriage!>>

Thanks. I agree.

<< It would be good for the marriage to survive but if the BS looses all respect, love, and trust what kind of a marriage do you have? >>

Not the kind that I want and still believe is possible............. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />.........am I nuts?


Pepperband: thanks so much for your encouraging words. You said just the right things to help me with this guilt that plagues me at times. Sometimes I think the WSs feel we take pleasure in this whole D thing............how far from the truth is that!

WS's don't think we take pleasure in their affair, or a divorce resulting from their affair .... i think that is far from the truth.

AND --- p l e a s e

I think an MB prankster has posted on your thread .... ignore him/her/it.

Fishracer:

Ask whatever you like. It is ok.

Yes, I do believe I have forgiven him. I feel in my heart that I have, but he accuses me of not, seeing that I have divorced him. He says I have dealt the ultimate punishment out to him and therefore that is not forgiveness. Yet on the other hand he agrees that I could forgive yet choose to D. ???...many other contradictions since his A but that is irrelevant right now.

I cannot give my heart back to him because the damage he did to it was/is too great. He was the only man in my life and I was the only woman in his until...

I trusted him completely. I held him in the highest esteem for his sense of fidelity, his standards, integrity, principles (u get the drift) and the way he loved me. Throughout 13 years of relationship (5 dating, 8 married) I honestly never saw another that could match up to him.

His A took away the core of everything he was to me and what I thought our marriage had been. He still agrees that we had an exceptional relationship and to this day still says he does not know why he did it. But he did it and I can never have that respect and admiration that I had for him ever again.
Not to mention trust. There is nothing he can do to give that back to me. Many can rebuild and start over. I can't - not with him. I feel like all those years of my life have been a waste and that if I stay with him it would just be adding years to that. Something may be wrong with me but I would rather start over from scratch with someone new and if the same thing happens, well I would have wasted that time too..........but at least I won't have to say - "shame on me".

Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.
Hey! I think I'm going to add this to my sig. Lol.

Cymanca:

<<...now I have no doubt that Satan can exist and indeed flourish in some people.>>

Sad, VERY scary, but true!


Pepperband: thanks for the heads up re payingnow.

I said that "sometimes I think the WSs feel we take pleasure in this whole D thing..." because thats how my X made me feel at times. He made it to seem like I just really really wanted this D. I mean I chose to do it, yes, but its a choice that was brought upon me. I dont feel like I had a choice............does anyone understand?

hayul yes we understand !!!!

You made a choice that you wanted when you got married ... then, because of infidelity, you were faced with a 2 choice dilemma where neither one of the options were joyful to you .... it was like chosing which of 2 types of torture you were to endure ... hayul yes, we do understand

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> I like hayul yes. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

thanks again P.

Hi 123GO ,

I don´t know anyone yet, that has never made a mistake. Now there are many degrees of mistakes, some you can´t undo (like abortion,killings,etc.). Now life is too short to hold on to your unforgiveness. Forgiving is not for the other person, it's for you. You let go!. U can forgive and never look back you don't have to go back, but you have to let go of the hurting memories and fill them with new happy ones.

In Forgiving you have to forget.

You seem very strong hearted and wish to do what is correct, now what is correct? Only you know what is in your heart, if you are here it is beacuse you are looking for an answer to do what you feel is correct, not going back.

Put it the other way around you never go back and then after years you regret it, for having been so selfrighteous. You have to be good to yourself.

You say he was a good man, but you cannot find love in your heart. Then don't give it anymore though just forgive and go on, there are thousands of good men desiring a second chance to love again, why stick to and old love specialy if it hurt you so much.

Now all men make mistakes, and pretty much we all make the same mistakes. You are willing to walk that path and discover it. I wish you the very best.

My X and I separated and divorced 1.5 years ago, she found someone who she thought would be better, I made a mistake and paid the price, she will never find love in her heart for me, although I 'was the love of her life' and yes I let her down for a one night stand.
Ok so we both move on, she found someone who had everything she needs, wants. But guess what, no body is perfect and she found out that also there she has to forgive other things, there is no one perfect.

Now they broke up and she feels emptier than before and has 2 peolple to forget and I hope that mr perfect comes one day and does everything right for her.

I learned from my mistake and wanted to make up for it. But love n her heart died and asked for divorce, I am happy now beacuse I tried my very best, till she pushed me away. Now I found someone loving who cares, althoug I know nobody is perfect. I really hope she finds that perfect guy, I only gave her 15 years of my life, two kids and her best memories, but yea I made a mistake.

In your heart you know what is best, do it and don't look back. Don't look back.

I hoped she would give our family a second chance, but her bets where on someone new, I'm sorry for her it didn't turn out right, I hope the next one is better. New is always better, right?

I am fairly new here so my knowledge of the abreviations is limited.

I would have given my life for her and probably would still do it, but she is a good self righteous person who cant forget, See we make mistakes but we can also learn from them, not everybody makes the same mistakes over and over, there are people that learn and try to make it up.

Thanks 2112 for expressing the pain of having made a mistake (a very big mistake) and having to pay the price. I'm human and I screwed up. I've apologized and begged for forgivness. But now I believe my H knows what's best for him and must respect his decisions - no matter how painful. I know I can look back and say that I did everything and more to repair a broken marriage (that was broken long before the affair)....