Hi everyone. It’s been a long while since I posted. Quite a bit has happened. I gave my wife the divorce papers to sign two weeks ago. She has yet to sign them. Friday I went to her school at the end of the day to find her and the OM in the parking lot talking. The OM saw me and immediately jumped in his truck. So like an idiot, I jumped out of my car and opened his door and grabbed him. I told him to stay away from my wife and family. My wife was yelling for me to stop and that we were at a school. I immediately let go, jumped in my car and left.

My wife called me 6 or 7 times that night, but I didn’t answer. When I finally answered (I stayed at my mom's) she asked me to come home and that her talking to him wasn’t a big deal. When I got home the next day, she explained how upset she was with me and that I had no right to do what I did. Supposedly the OM’s father was diagnosed with cancer and that she was simply saying she was sorry to hear about his father, and then they talked about how things were going with them. She said she planned on telling me, but once again I was there before she had a chance. She is embarrassed by my behavior and concerned that she will have to face her boss/principle today. She does not think that she did anything wrong. I asked why she didn’t sign the divorce papers and she said that she was still hoping that we could work things out, but that this last incident has made it impossible.

Why am I still willing to be married to this woman??? Is it just a fear of the unknown? Do I really love her? She’s showed that she doesn’t respect me or our marriage vows (numerous times), yet I still hang around. I did take the first step towards divorce, but I haven’t really pushed it forward. The attorney asked me to get my wife to read the divorce papers first before filing and see if we can get her to sign the papers prior to filing. So I did that, but I also didn’t push her to sign them. I figured it was in her court now, I would just wait it out.

I’ve seemed to have made a mess of things. Every time I have the opportunity to take the high road, I allow my anger and stupidity to get in the way. I just couldn’t believe what I was seeing.

I believe my wife will call the attorney today and it looks like there is no hope for anything other than divorce.

Is it too late to expose the affair to the school administration? I spoke to some people who believe that I should call the school and tell them what is going on. I spoke to the vice principle a long time ago privately, but he said there wasn't much they could do since they were both good teachers and also union employees. I'm no longer sure that is true. I think maybe I should have taken this further. I gave my wife the chance to prove she could do NC on her own, she failed.

Is it too late????

I thought you had a made a decision to get a divorce? Why would any of this change that decision?

Do you want to stop the affair? By not exposing it earlier you have enabled them...

Expose....but it may be too late...

How have you made a mess of things? By caring?...C'mon...!!

He already exposed at school, so I dont' see the point of doing it again. I just don't understand why he would reexpose if he has decided to divorce? What would be the point?

What EXACTLY are you doing???

divorcing?
exposing?
Plan A-ing?

What did you do wrong here? Perhaps hurt his self esteem? He did much, much worse to you!

Ok, I do not want a divorce. I never did and I probably never will. BUT, I don't see how I can stay married. The lack of respect and blatant disregard for me and our marriage that my wife is displaying has pushed me over the edge. On principle alone it feels wrong to stay in this marriage, yet I do still want to make it work.

My head is spinning. Dr Harley recommended divorce, but Steve didn't and he also advised against plan b. My own IC recommends just keeping my mouth shut and hanging out to allow some breathing room and space.

So what do I do, I run to an attorney, I harrass (her words) my wife every other day and I keep finding out that my wife is not someone I can trust. After all of this, I thought she would at least be a decent person and stay away from the guy.

Where do I go from here. I don't know.

As for what I did wrong. I wish that I would have pulled up, stopped the car and then just pulled out. I wish I wouldn't have said a word.

Send, it is too late. FOR HER. He already decided to get a divorce and had her served. So, I have no idea what all this is about.

He said he might change his mind IF SHE demonstrated some commitment to the marriage? Does sitting in the OM's truck demonstrate that in any way? If anything, it should make him more resolved to divorce.

Not that it matters, but they were standing outside his truck.

Why? I think he had it coming. You did nothing wrong.

Grove, so has she demonstrated any behavior that cause you to believe she is now committed to your marriage? Has anything changed that would cause you to drop the divorce?

The same thing happened here that happens anytime you confront your WW - you do or say something that you think should fix the entire situation right then and there, and you fully expect your WW to change her attitude on the spot. When she doesn't, you immediately throw up your hands, blame yourself, and give up.

All this does is reset the clock back to zero, wipe out any progress you have made, and teach your wife to bully you disrespect you and ignore you.

It's as if you decided to climb a mountain, but after taking one step you realized you weren't at the top so you gave up.

If you would stop backing down and giving up after each confrontation, and instead look at them as steps in winning back your wife's respect, you would probably be in a very different place right now.

So what if your WW didn't fall begging at your feet when you grabbed OM and told him to stay away from her? (Good on ya, by the way, but don't get arrested.) What you DID accomplish was show your wife that you ARE man enough to step up and protect your family. And that's worth a lot.

These things take time to sink in to a WS, but they will NOT sink in at all if you give up and curl up in the fetal position everytime you don't get the instant results you are looking for.

They only work when they are part of a long series of unrelenting actions in a determined effort to slay the beast of infidelity, WHETHER THE WS IS HELPING YOU OR NOT.

It's just like climbing a mountain. It has to be a long series of unrelenting steps until you get to the top. If you quit every time it gets tough, or just let yourself slide back down to the bottom because you're frustrated that you're not at the top already, you will never get there.

Yes, your WW should be helping to restore your marriage. What's your point? She's not going to do that because she is a WW, not a W. We ALL deal with this, but we learn not to give up and roll over dead in the face of it. Otherwise, there would be no recovered marriages at all here at MB.

If you would stop quitting, Grove, and make this an unrelenting stand whether you're getting immediate results or not, you might get somewhere.
Mulan

Mulan,

I'm not sure what my stand should be this time. I just got out of IC, he believes that I've made my stand. I said no contact, she broke it, there's not much else I can do. Or is there?

I'm at a loss as to what my next step should be if I plan on trying to save the marriage. I have given her the papers to look over and then we can go to the attorney together and sign them. For now, the ball's in her court. The question is for how long do I wait and what should I do while I am waiting?

***For now, the ball's in her court.***

EXACTLY.

DO NOTHING.

Mulan

Ok, I can do that.

gto:

Don't just do nothing. Well, do nothing 2 aggravate things. But keep being the kind of man you believe you should be.

Are you still coaching with SH? I wonder what he would say about the wisdom of plan B at this point?

-ol' 2long

Yes, I should have been clearer. I meant "do nothing" as in don't chase her down and try to make her do what you want. Just as you said, the ball is in her court. She should be the one to sweat, but she never will as long as she knows you will do all the work and then just back down again.

I meant "do nothing" as in stand your ground and force HER to make the next move.

This situation is ripe for Plan B IMHO. Do you think you could do it now? Plan B is just whole lot of the BS doing "nothing". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Mulan

I was willing to do or go to plan b months ago, but SH stopped me.

What is standing my ground mean right now? For now, I'm not saying anything. I've said that I wouldn't stand for any additional contact and she just keeps pushing.

***I've said that I wouldn't stand for any additional contact and she just keeps pushing.***

She just keeps pushing because there are no consequences to her actions.

Plan B would be a consequence, without going to the nukes of Plan D (divorce.)

It's my guess that Steve told you not to go to Plan B because he did not think YOU were ready for it, and a poor Plan B is worse than none at all.

If you feel that now you might be ready for it, maybe you could call him again and ask.
Mulan

Wow, this must be what full disclosure is like. My wife is livid. I guess she’s embarrassed and believes everyone is staring at her and whispering behind her back. Of course I am to blame for it. She claims she called her attorney and made an appointment for next Tuesday. I did some LBing, but I’ve tried to remain calm. I’ve explained that I am sorry for how I handled this, but that it was her decision to have contact with the OM and she did promise that this would never happen. She knew the consequences for this would not be positive and yet she did it anyway.

As for calling Steve again. There is two problems. One I really can't afford to call anymore. The other is that we spend a lot of time on how to get my wife to agree to coaching and/or getting my wife to buy into the MBer's plan. My wife isn't going to do either one. So we spend 30 minutes of an hour call talking about what to say to my wife to get her to agree to the plan. I'm already a MB believer, so he's preaching to the choir, but my wife isn't.

I might still call, but we'll see how my finances are and if I can swing it, I will make an appointment.

I'd like to also get some opinions on the letter I thought about sending to my wife via email.

Wife,

I wanted to let you know a couple things. I am sorry that I didn’t listen more to you both last night and today. I know you are going through a lot right now and that you were reaching out for someone to listen to and understand your pain. I was so intent on my own pain that I shut you out. I’m sorry. If you wish to talk to me about anything, I will listen to you as a friend would and not pass judgment or add to your pain by throwing mine back at you. You have a decision to make, it’s a tough one and as I am going through a very similar crisis I realize how difficult this is on you. I would rather it be my shoulder you lean on during trouble times and not someone else’s. I will always love you; nothing you do or have done will change that. That’s what love is, forgiving and understanding our lover’s faults. This is not easy and I am struggling with this even as I write this letter, but I do know that is what I have been trying to do.

As for my being at the school Friday, you always say that things happen for a reason. I have to believe that God guided me to the school on that day at that time to see this with my own eyes. It was my decision on how I handled it and I do not blame anyone else for that. I am sorry for that, at the time I was in shock and allowed my emotions to cloud my judgment.

There is a prize that we should be aiming for. A healthy, loving and nurturing marriage that shows respect for each other and the vows we made. By working towards this, we also provide a loving two parent home for our daughter. We teach her that marriage and commitment is something to honor. It’s not ok to run away from your problems and that family is the most important thing in the world. Our family deserves this chance and this commitment. We owe it to our daughter and to ourselves to be able to say that we gave everything we could to keep our family together.

Love always,

Me