Here we go again. GT catches wife screwing around and confronts her. WW then turns it around to make GT the bad guy for catching her. GT validates her twisted premise by playing right into her hands by showing remorse [and major wimpiness] for DARING to confront the princess. In other words, she successfully uses his inappropriate guilt as a weapon against him. EVERY TIME. Once she has GT effectively cowered back into place and silenced, she does it all again.

Damn, she's good!

GT, I will say it again, women do not respect men they can run over. They do not LOVE men they do not respect. You can see this with your own eyes.

GT, more apologetic, boot licking letters for daring to stand up for yourself ain't going to get it. They didn't work in the past, and they won't work now. All they do is erode the respect your W has for you even more. The only thing that will wake up your W is not more boot licking, but some courage and bravery via ACTION.

You filed for divorce because you said you wanted that. You said that you would change your mind if she demonstrated some new commitment to your marriage. I don't think that talking to the OM demonstrates any willingness of anything here, yet you are back into the begging and groveling mode.

Wouldn't it be better to stick to your guns, and do what Dr Harley says? Why not stick to what you said you were going to do and stop playing Ground Hog Day with your wife? How do you think it makes your credibility look when you file for divorce and then play these games?

I haven't done anything yet, I've set the divorce in motion two weeks ago and I sat back quietly waiting to see what my wife was going to do (sign the papers or work on the marriage). She didn't do anything (well I guess that's not true). She was just sitting around being miserable and making bad decisions.

Melody, I'd really appreciate some help here. If I'm backing down, please explain where and help me see a better course of action. I do not want a divorce, nor do I want to continue down the path I am going. I'm stuck and could use some serious help. Mel, I didn't send the letter, I was asking for some advice and opinions on what I should do.

I actually got the idea for the letter from reading the section on this web site about a "What to Do with an Unfaithful Wife"

"On the other hand, if you can convince her that her feelings are important to you, and you are dedicated to make decisions that are in her best interest, it will add greatly to your credibility. Right now, she is not convinced that you have put her first in your life. Convince her otherwise."

and

"You must take this opportunity to prove to her that you can do something you haven't been doing for some time: Meet her most important emotional needs. First, you need to discover them. What was her friend doing that she found so irresistible? He probably talked to her, showed an interest in her, was respectful and encouraging, demonstrated his care by being there for her when she needed him. And maybe, most important, he didn't criticize her or try to straighten her out.

Call her, send her flowers, tell her how much you love her, how much you miss her. Don't smother her, but let her know in no uncertain terms that you value your relationship with her.

Even though you have been very hurt by her affair, don't blame her for it. Don't expect her to apologize and don't ask her to explain the gory details."

***I haven't done anything yet, I've set the divorce in motion two weeks ago and I sat back quietly waiting to see what my wife was going to do (sign the papers or work on the marriage). She didn't do anything (well I guess that's not true). She was just sitting around being miserable and making bad decisions.***

Well, there's your answer. She is doing what virtually all WS do -- she is fence-sitting and cake-eating. Why should she stop?

***Melody, I'd really appreciate some help here. If I'm backing down, please explain where and help me see a better course of action.****

I'm not Melody, but I agree with what she said to you -- and what do you mean, IF you are backing down? You back down every time WW looks sideways at you.

If you want to stop backing down, then Stop Apologizing To Her Every Time You Step Up And Protect Your Marriage and Family. STOP APOLOGIZING FOR THIS!

You are still terrified of her anger and terrified that she will leave if you make her mad. If you could stop being afraid of her anger and recognize it for what it is -- a very effective bullying tactic that she uses to get you off her back so she can see her boyfriend in peace -- you would get a lot farther.

Somebody here wrote that if the WS is furious over what the BS has done, the BS is almost certainly doing things right.

***I do not want a divorce***

Then don't file for one.

***nor do I want to continue down the path I am going.***

Then do something different.

I would suggest:

Never again apologizing to her for standing up to her affair and protecting your family.

Refusing to be afraid of her anger. Just stand there and watch while she does her worst.

Finding the strength to go to Plan B, as so many others have done, before her behavior really does destroy any love you have left for her.

As for the rest of the letter below, you've already done all that. How's it working for ya?

It's way past time to bring out the big guns and you've got to stop being afraid to do that.
Mulan

**********************
"On the other hand, if you can convince her that her feelings are important to you, and you are dedicated to make decisions that are in her best interest, it will add greatly to your credibility. Right now, she is not convinced that you have put her first in your life. Convince her otherwise."

and

"You must take this opportunity to prove to her that you can do something you haven't been doing for some time: Meet her most important emotional needs. First, you need to discover them. What was her friend doing that she found so irresistible? He probably talked to her, showed an interest in her, was respectful and encouraging, demonstrated his care by being there for her when she needed him. And maybe, most important, he didn't criticize her or try to straighten her out.

Call her, send her flowers, tell her how much you love her, how much you miss her. Don't smother her, but let her know in no uncertain terms that you value your relationship with her.

Even though you have been very hurt by her affair, don't blame her for it. Don't expect her to apologize and don't ask her to explain the gory details."

Mulan, That's good advice. I needed to hear that in my situation. But you offer 2 plans of action so I'm confused as to what you're recommending.

Well, now you have her RESPONSE. She doesn't want the marriage and isn;t willing to do a thing to stop the divorce. But you already knew this. I had a feeling that you were only filing for D in order to manipulate her, rather than it being a course of action you have decided upon. That tactic has blown up in your face, GT.

All you did was further erode your credibility by showing her you aren't serious, that you will be available for further use and abuse.

GT, more letters are going to accomplish nothing. The best thing you can do is stand up for yourself and remove yourself from this situation. You cannot change your W. You have seen this.

I agree with every word Mulan posted.

This is plan A stuff. You're way past that now.


More plan A stuff which, applied 2 YOUR sitch at THIS POINT in time, is HOGWASH. Particularly the "friend" nonsense. This "friend" (a better term would be "fiend") did the nicey-nice things he did for her 2 suit his agenda - 2 SCORE. No less. Talk? Big deal. People hear what they want 2 hear. She couldn't hear YOU because she already convinced herself she wanted 2 hear the fiend. Showed an interest in her? Her pants, perhaps. That's where his interest was. Let's not EVEN talk about "respect". He definitely didn't show her respect, and his "encouragement" was steering her 2 believe what his agenda wanted her 2 believe. He didn't criticize her or try 2 straighten her out because that was YOUR job - he could eat the cake and let you do all the kitchen detail.


More plan A stuff. You're beyond this stage.


Definitely plan A stuff.

Look, gto. If you're going 2 send any kind of letter, make it a plan B letter. Don't persue the DV, and stall if you don't want it but she appears 2. OR, file and get on with your life.

What do you want 2 do?

-ol' 2long

GT,


Look at the data. It tells you a lot. First, she is fence sitting and I think Mel, 2L, and others are pointing this out to you. Next, she did not run off and get it signed because...SHE IS AFRAID TO.

What that means is that you put "some" pressure on her with the D papers. But, not enough for her to stop contact with OM. Son, look what disclosure did. It made her mad, it caused her to react, but she was NOT in the lawyers with signed papers. She may be tomorrow, but not today.

You don't have to be mean, cruel, but YOU MUST BE firm. One of your boundaries has to be NC, and every time she breaks it even if she signs the D papers, you expose it, you let people KNOW she is an adulteress, but you love her.

As you well know you can love and adulteress even if you cannot live with her. So the solution is to end the adultery OR end the marriage. To a larger extent than you seem to realize this is your call, and your call puts her in a position where she MUST make a decision.

By kind, be open, be FIRM. That letter you wrote was a plan A letter as 2L pointed out. It is time to defend boundaries, not take the blame for HER behavior. She contacted OM, and as YOU said you warned her. She did not believe you because she has had little evidence that you would do as you say you would. And that means she also has little evidence that your promises to change and make the marriage better will hold up either.

You don't seem to understand but Mel is trying to drill it into your head. IF you waffle in recovery, she will expect you to waffle in working on the marriage as well. If you are a man of your word, then keep your word. You promised if she contacted OM there would be consequences. Well?...

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

GT and DeeGee:

What am I recommending? Just what I wrote this morning:

Never again apologizing to WW for standing up to her affair and protecting your family.

Refusing to be afraid of her anger. Just stand there and watch while she does her worst.

Finding the strength to go to Plan B, as so many others have done, before her behavior really does destroy any love you have left for her.

Again, GT, I think you were told not to go to Plan B because Harley knew you weren't ready for it and a waffling Plan B is worse than no Plan B at all.

Do you think you can find the strength to do it now? You have to be prepared for the WS to pull out every rotten trick they have to break down your defenses. There cannot be any waffling on your part.

Do you think you can find the strength to do it now?
Mulan

I'm going to "pile on"...GT..sorry..but what Mel and Mulan are telling you is good, sound advice. Look...when you finally decide that you will not apolgize for what is right you'll be fine. However...be straight up about everything....you appear to have chosen a path that has an ending you don't like.....turn around....now...

My suggestions (as though you need another one)...while this "exposure" is fresh, rid this anger out. Do NOT allow her to belittle you or deny or minimize the A. Try to negotiate NC and a return to the M while still explaining the D is proceeding, and plan for a Plan B.

Plan b is going to be necessary in your situation I think, because your WW has taken you and your M for granted...this will throw her in the arms of the OM...which I assure you, is death for the A.


BUT, you need to leave her with a very good, last picture of yourself...a strong, self-assured, loving picture...which may take a bit of time (a week?) while this fresh "exposure" wears off.. While I agree Plan B is the course of action to take, a last bit of Plan A to remember you by is important too...as Mulan and others suggested.

Ok, I need plan b help. I have a four year old daughter at home and a mortgage payment. I don't want to leave and have my wife claim I abandoned her and our daughter. I will move in with my parents for a while and keep paying on the home (it's up for sale now). I will request a shared parenting while we are separated.

How does everyone else do this. In an ideal world, my wife would have to move out, but she's not going to do that. Do I tell her in person or by letter? It seems most people leave or send a letter.

Ok, Plan B it is!!!

Grove, it is possible to do an in-house Plan B but that is only as a last resort.

Do you have a copy of *Surviving an Affair*? There is information there, as well as here on this site. Look on "Articles" at the top of this page.

I will call out to some of the others to help you with that. Many have been right where you are now.
Mulan

Why do YOU have to leave?

thanks Mulan, I figure that I will wait until Friday to move out.

StillHere; I'm not sure I have to leave, but I definitely think I need to leave. An in-home plan b probably won't work for me anymore. I'd end up giving in to my wife.

gto:

Don't move out if you could be accused of abandonment.

-ol' 2long

2long, I'm not sure about the abandonment. My attorney did say that I should stay in the home, he didn't go into details as to what would happen if I left. I guess I better find out.

Hopefully I can get some help about plan b. I'm sure other people have faced a similar situation.