I have been posting here for a little over a month. Things have been going very fast and the roller coaster has not stopped. My WH has said he wants to go on a date and I plan to. I know that he still thinks about her because he told me. I have just found out that OMW has contacted him and I know OWM H will not be to happy to hear that. I do plan on telling him when I can. I also have this feeling that maybe he is leaning the fence but still over on her side more.

The last time I talk to WH he took the book SAA. I now wonder if that was such a good idea. I don't want fall into this false hope. I don't want him settling for me because he can't have her. I would like your oppinion anyone. I have my story posted all around.

To the FWH. I have now started to feel that if he does come back to the M he may just be settling. Do any of you feel that way when you came back? Did it hit you that you wanted your M back or did it come slowly as a wake up?

I am trying this Plan A thing with some progress he might even move back in. I have this feeling like he is just doing it to help his military career. I don't know anymore.

Wanting anyones thoughts.

I am very sorry you are having to deal with all this. I am not a FWH. I am a BH and still struggling much like you. I read your post and I get the impression you are still in the "bargaining" phase of grief.

I think you need to decide whether you want to R (and it sounds like that is your choice) or not and then follow that plan. I can bet you are not your WH's first choice right now simply because he has had an A. I have done a little reading and I have seen where many WS's do come back to the M and regret the A. There are no guarantees and no crystal balls.

Your desire is not unusual but I don't think you should let that be an obstacle to reconciliation. Have faith in yourself and the marriage.

Well I have found out that WH is very low so to speak. He can not keep himself busy enough. He is very lonely. He has said to someone that he feels addicted to OW. I belive she is trying to stay away from him and that is good. I also heard that he is now trying to not think of OW but I know that's going to be very hard. It is the cold turkey approach. She is basicly ignoring him and I think he still thinks she loves him. Maybe the absent make the heart grow fonder think. I will be seeing him in 2 days when he comes to visit the DD's. I think he will like diner that night.

Hi.

I'm a FWS.

Yes your H is probably missing the OW, or it is probably more correct to say that he is missing the way he felt when he was with her.

He will probably think of her for a long time to come. If she keeps ignoring him his thoughts will begin to change from longing to anger. That is a good thing.

I would say go on a date with him if that is o.k. with you. Listen to him. Be kind. I know that you are very hurt and probably pretty angry and your anger is justified. I would say, if you can manage it, to try not to express too much anger right now. He seems to be almost out the door and you don't what to give him that last shove.

Look, this is going to take a long time to get beyond this. He is going to have a huge burden to carry to help fix this marriage. He might not be willing/able to do much of the fixing right now. You are going to have to do it for a while. It isn't fair, but if you want the marriage to work someone is going to have to go first.

I came home because I didn't want to destroy my kid's lives. I eventually realized that the best way I could help my kids was to love their mother.

I wouldn't say our marriage is perfect, far from it really, but it is so much better than it used to be. We talk now. We play together. We are lovers again, not just parents.

Best Wishes,

CN

Thank you CN,

I am hoping that we move over 4000 miles away from her come summer. I know that no marriage is perfect but I will try and put my side of this one a little straighter. That is all I can do.

I know this might sound strang but I haven't dated in a long time. What am I surposed to do? I know what not to talk about but what do I talk about. I am a stay at home mom. Nothing to exciting.

To be honest, my WW feels the same way, however, at this point, I'd be willing to settle with her "settling" for me. Only because when the fog lifts and she sees ME laying next to her in bed, she'll realize that she made the right decission and that the A was the mistake, not her marriage to me.

I confronted her with that recently, telling her that if her marriage to me was a mistake, she better be the one to tell the kids that they were too.

Floored her.


FN

Mh:

I've been with my H over 30 years and he continues to be attracted to the same things about me that he liked when we first started dating. He said to me once during this mess: "I'm still the same person..you know what I like" or something like that...

So: How did he like for you to dress..wear your hair..perfume...topic of conversation..etc...

Light..airy..cheerful..funloving...sexy...

Make sure to look into his eyes when he talks to you..touch him occasionally..on the thigh maybe... while you are talking to him as he sits next to you.. a kiss on the cheek and a hug when he enters and exits...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I think mimi is on to something, listen to her.

This is going to sound impossible, but if you can try to act happy. Smile. Make eye-contact when you talk. Laugh easily. Pay attention to what he says and don't react negatively (even if he utters nonsense and it hurts your feelings).

And certainly, make have no relationship talk at all on this date.

If you need something to talk about read up on what he likes to do. What are his hobbies? Search the internet for some information about that. The Super Bowl is coming up . . . read what some sportswriter says about the upcoming game and ask your husband's opinion. Most people like to spout their opinions . . . that is why we all hang out here <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Before your date, make sure you look your best. Maybe go get a facial. Or get a haircut and a pedicure. Maybe buy a new outfit. Put on his favorite perfume.

There is nothing more attractive in a woman than confidence. Seriously. And if any of these things can help you feel confidence in yourself then you are going to be better off for it.


CN

Another Question. Some have said I should get WH to visit this site. How do you think I should suggest this?

mhwag, my FWH won't post here (as far as I know, FOW is still on here on occasion, he doesn't feel the board is "safe", if you KWIM), but I figured I'd pass on what he's said about what you're asking. For my H, staying with me was "settling" for a while. A long while. He had to get over the FOW "cold turkey" as well, and he failed miserably for about five months until she blew the roof off of his idealization of her. He's never truly questioned whether he wanted to be married to me, he's never said it would be better if we split up, but he's struggled with differing degrees of ambivalence over the last nine and a half months.

It took time for those feelings to "die", but I truly believe they are dead, buried, and decaying rapidly. At first, that death of feeling for the FOW was slow and painful--and I will admit, excrutiating for me to witness--but he did eventually go from wanting to stay with me because it was the right thing to do to telling me last night that he can't imagine ever being with anyone else, including FOW.

"Settling" isn't a great feeling, but the more work you do to meet his EN's and be the attractive alternative (yes, I know, you're his wife, you shouldn't have to *prove* anyhting, but that's just the way things are), the quicker that withdrawal will go.

Follow mimi and CN's advice, girl...this date is a great opportunity to "court" your H again! Fix yourself up and WORK IT! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Thank you everyone. I am going to get a new haircut. I have lost so much weight that I get to buy a whole new outfit. I am still waiting for him to tell me when he is going to pick me up this Sunday but again I will see him tommorro. I am trying to balance my priorties but that is still is progressive. I guess I will take what I can get from him because even being near him makes me feel alittle better. Again thank you every one for your advice.

Ok WH just came over. It started off pretty good. He has just read the SAA book. That I was surprised about. He admits that his love bank was 0 from me. But I could not help shaking my head when he said he hardly spent enough time with OW to have his Love Bank filled. I didn't say anything. I don't think it had to fill up all the way to have feeling for her right? He says he wants to try and see where this R is going. He says he is scared at how comfortable he is getting right now. I did not press that comment. But I did say " I could say the same." I am scared of how I feel when he is not around because I have become more independent. I am also scared that if he cames back we might fall back to the way we were. We both agree that we had not been spending enough alone time. I hope we work on that. But how do we do that with kids?

Well WH came over and p/u the girls for awhile. I showed him my stocker email because for the first time it included him and OW. It was nice to her and him and treated me the same [email]cr@ppy.[/email] He is absessed with finding out who it it.

He also will be having his Article 15 on Tuesday. From what I was told the battery wanted to keep it simple by keeping it a battery level and the battalion commander agreed But the batt. 1st Sgt whom I and my WH have had problem with from a long time has made it clear that he will go to a field grade 15. That is not good.

WH will be going to IC tommorro and he asked if he can spend the night sometime this week end. I said sure but he knows no SF till I see the test results.

Good new I went to the doctors today and I lost over 100 points on my colesterol. YEA!!! I also got to put on a size 16 dress today for the first time in 4 years. I am so happy.

When do I start to call WH a FWH?

What is "stocker email?"

It's great that your colesterol is so dramatically reduced and you're losing weight. I've done that. Feels great, doesn't it?

LOL Longhorn, she means *Stalker* e-mail. Someone has been e-mailing her, and she doesn't know who it is, and WH doesn't either.

-Caren

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh. "I see," said the blind man. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Well, tracking down an email sender is something the ISP can help with. Even Yahoo or Hotmail.com can be asked to cooperate. I'm trying to think of who might have an interest in promoting the relationship between the OW and WH. Can't think of anyone...oh, wait. How about the OW? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Yeah..........that's my thought too. I believe at first these e-mails were telling her about the *A*....and again, that sounds like an OW thing to do, so she could have her WH all to herself.

God Bless,

-Caren

It is harassment email from a mystery person.

mhwag, if you use Outlook, I know you can right-click on the email, select properties, then details and you'll get the whole routing on the email. It might not mean much to you...i get lost in trying to follow it...but a techy guy at your ISP can interpret it in a matter of seconds. Have you taken this to whoever provides your internet service? If it comes through military channels, the guys in the communications area are going to be very interested. I know, I used to work closely with the Communications Squadron folks in my last assignment. Check them out. BTW, does it appear to come from Yahoo or Hotmail or one of the other anonymous email sites?