My wife and I have been married almost 5yrs and we have a beautiful 14 month old girl together. Recently I got her toconfess that she had been having an affair. I told her that I still loved her and that I want to try to work this out. She tells me she loves me but its not the love that we need to make this work. I asked to try and give me the time that she has given the other guy and I think we could work things out. One min she says shes sorry and that she wants to try and then she turns around and tells me Im stupid to even want to be with her after what she did. I told that everyone makes mistakes and that I still love her. She said the other night that her and her "friend" broke things off after he got drunk and stupid. She still talks to him everyday! She says she feels sorry for him b/c he is in touble.(drinking to much) I just said that he is old enough to take care of himself you don't have to be his mommy. you have you own family to worry about. I cant help but say some things that probably hurt us I'm just so confused!!! He calls her in the middle of the night and Im so tore up inside that I cant get back to sleep! Its been 2 weeks since she confessed and Im doing alot better but I just want to know like everyone else is how long before she realizes she is making a mistake! I honestly dont know if my heart can take much more stoomping. She said shes been trying the past 2 years and she is sick of trying. I told that I was sorry but I didn't realize that we were trying to get along. Now that I get the message I understand I wasn't meeting her EM. What can I do when she wants to talk about him? I cant help but want to say that the is a f-ing loser get over it! but I try to listen and try to talk as much as she wants. We went to a counsler a couple times but she just throughs up a huge wall and says it will take a miracle to get us back together. All she wanted to talk about sat was who was moving out. Im scared honestly. Im scared of loseing the most important women in my life, let alone losing all the time away from my little girl. What do I doo? any thoughts or suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

I suggest that you implement PLan A. Not that I'm one to talk given my situation, but do your best NOT be judgemental but rather be her friend. It may take a while. Read this site's Q&A section. Harley offers the best advice I've heard. I'm going through this too my friend.

I'll say a prayer for you.

I want to try to use plan A but how do I do that when she doesn't want to get rid of the other guy? she says she just wants to be his friend and she doesn't see him "that way" anymore she just sees him as a friend. As far as Im concerned I know how men think. Hes not thinking them as friends he's looking for more I know that so as long as shes in contact with him I can't trust anything wont happen. Im having such a hard time "sitting back" you might say.

Is the other man married?

yes but they are seperated and live a couple hours apart. He went through the same thing Im going through. Thats why they are getting a divorce. Him and my wife talked about how he doesn't know why he is doing this b/c he knows how it hurt him. why does she want this "loser" lack of a better word, he has a part time job, maybe 20 hrs a week, has to go to the courthouse every morning and evening to take a breath test, gets drunk just about every night calls her cell phone at all hours of the night etc... It ticks me off so bad when she jumps right out of bed at 2:30 in the morning and then goes in the living and talks and giggles with him for 15-30 min at a time and earlier she says shes going to bed before 9 cause she is soooo tired. HELLO!! I see my wife drinking more and more. she always liked her tomato beers but she always new when to turn off the valve and lately she just cant reach the valve. She doesn't do any of her work stuff untill the last minute and lets it pile up then she cant always remember what she did. She always used to do everything as soon as she got home from work. She doesn't even get bills sent out on time anymore and thats why she is in charge of the finances b/c I always had a hard time with it. We have the money to pay everything its just behind. I'm scared for her. Im scared for us. I wish there was a couple words or things I could do to change her attitude towards life right now but I guess all I can do is sit here and watch that knife go in and out of my heart. I'm just so confused!!

Okay, time to get into Plan A. But I think you need to let her know that it is disrespectful for her to take his calls in your home.

Also I think I would start doing the bills again. WS's have a tendency to let everything go.

Agree with believer. You need to get into plan A while still trying to set some boundaries with your WW. It is not only disrespectful for her to take calls in your home, but also to expect that you are interested in hearing her talking about OM.

She is clearly in the midst of FOG and will not act with any common sense right now.

Who

Im trying to implement plan a but I feel like there is so much resistence when I tell her she cannot be in contact with om. She keeps telling me to quit worring about it they are not like that anymore they are just friends. I just said I feel like your stabbing me in the heart when ever you talk or do anything with him. Any suggestions on getting rid of him even when it seems that not what she wants? She told me the other night he pist her off and that she told him it was over and she deleted her number from his phone but the next day he called her and told her he was sorry about what happened. When she first told me that she told him it was over I felt great relief I just hugged her and held her as long as she let me. When she came to be she even said I don't know why I was going out for hamburger when I have steak at home. Now that she and him still talk and who knows what else I feel that pain all over again! She told me that she didn't think I even cared that she broke it off with him when she did. I said I did and it lifted a ton of bricks off my shoulders but now you keep through the bricks right back on me! She just keeps telling me to get ahold of yourself your a train wreck!! Well I took the time and Im still taking time to figure out my life and Im making changes that are necessary.

We went out with some friend the other night and she held my hand we danced and she even kissed me. Then when we got home I told her I had a really nice time. She said she did to. The next day she told me the only reason she held my hand and kissed me is b/c she thought I would get mad if I didn't. Why does she keep saying things like this? she tears me apart inside.
Thanks for everyones advice and Im goiing to tell her tonight that as long as she has contact with him the affair is continueing in my mind. Also that if she wants to talk to him on her phone it cannot be done in our house. b/c it is dissrespectful to bring her affair into our home. I think I also need to tell her that I had nothing to do with the decision to have an affair but I was involved in things that lead to our unhappiness with eachother.

Still hopeful for a resolution.

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

thank pepperband.

The Carrot and the Stick. So well put. I'm confussed on acouple of things, Who should i expose the A to. Besides to her whenever she sees him and him. I've done both. She has told some of her friends. I've told only a few of my very best friends. The ones I know will stand behind me no matter what. Do I expose it to more friends and the big one family? I guess if it is told to friends they tell other friends and eventually family hears about it. Its not fair to them to hear it from someone other than us. Right?

Another her EN how can I do this when she is hardly around. when she talks to me I give her my undivided attention. I talk to her. I aske her to go out to supper with me and maybe a movie but all I get is rejection. Should I keep trying or back off? I don't know the ENs that she needs Im trying to figure that out. I respect her for who she is. I feel like sometimes I'm trying to hard.

Thanks for suggestions
Still hopeful

Her family, your family, the OM's family, your wifes employer, your clergy,........

Affairs thrive in secrecy, once they are exposed, those involved ofter seen them for what they really are, dark, disgusting, and just plain wrong.

Who

Im scared this will completely drive her out the door. Shes already standing there Im afraid she will leave for sure. I really want her to stay but I know its her choice.

I have to expose it your right. I shouldn't feel guilty about it Im not the one taht chose that road.

thanks so much everyone for your help.

Where,

You can bet she will be mad as a hornet. She may well walk out and go to OM. He will then have to address all of her needs. You must expose if the A is going on. The goal is to do two things: 1. Wait out the affair as most of them do end. 2. Try to have enough love left to work through recovery.

Exposure, brings things our into the light of day. Most affairs get their excitement from the fact that they are a secret. Further, exposure often hastens the end of the affair, but hasten does NOT mean ends it right NOW. It still may take months for the affair to end, but having one in public is NOT nearly as exciting.

You are in for tough times, no matter, so don't try to get around/over this stuff, you will have to work THROUGH it. Tough stuff.

God Bless,

JL

I don't know why but I just cant get myself to tell family whats going on. I want to I cant do it. Do I tell them while she is standing right there or what?

I geuss Im about to the point where I don't really care and I keep asking myself why do I keep putting up with this? Maybe shes right it wont work out. I just don't know what to do anymore I can't seem to win!

I just want to take my daughter and leave. I just don't know where to start anymore? Why do I keep asking myself is she really worth it? When before its all I wanted was her. Now Im not sure. I Just want it to be over!

Thanks for your help. So I cant get myself to do what You suggest for me to ddo. Its just so hard!

Dear where,

I am going through something very similar (see my thread) and I can tell that I have hit the "anger" stage recently. I want to hurt her so bad (not physically) they she cries out in pain and then comfort her and start over again for what she has done to our family. I am fighting these feelings everyday as they do not go well with Plan A (meeting EN's, no LB'ing, DJ'ing, etc). It is all I can do to not see my attorney, draft the D papers for full custody of our son and let her see what she gave up down the road and to be honest if it were just her and me that is exactly what I would have already done. Fortunately for me we have two beautiful children that need a mother and father that love each other and love them and this keeps me going, believing, following the advice listed her, talking to Steve Harley, etc. Find the strength. Someone says in their signature line "the only thing I had to lose by not fighting for my marriage was my marriage..." or something like that. Makes a lot of sense. I know the hurt, pain, pride, anger, grief, etc that you are feeling and will make it a point to pray for you and each person here.

Thanks H&P

Have you exposed her A to your family and hers? How did you go about it? Im just so hurt that anyone could do this to someone else. I honestly don't think they would do it if they realized how much pain they are putting us through. I hear ya about the kids. Every time I look mine i just ask myself what did they ever do to be put in a position like this. They don't know whats going on and its not there fault. It just makes me so sad.

Well hang in there and I'll try to do the same.
Thanks

Yes, I exposed to her father and mother (she lied to him initially but finally told me the other night that she came clean with him), my family of course, sunday school class (asked for prayers), close friends and most importantly I confronted other man on the phone and basically told him that if he didn't do everything in his power to show my wife that their little secret love A was over that I would do everything short of a full page ad in the local paper to expose him to his wife, children, family, hospital staff, admin, co workers, church, etc. It appears that it has worked to some degree. I have some confidence that he has told her that he has too much to lose. The coward did not even tell my wife that I spoke to him a few weeks back. He just sort of cooled it with her. I ended up telling her just recently and she got pretty mad. I told her that I would not apologize for protecting our family and her (from herself) She sort of go over it a little but is still very mad, unwilling to work on M, etc. Expose to OMW, your wife's family, etc. would be my advice. It took a lot for me to do it but I am glad that I did. If the little A starts up again I will make good on my promise and hopefully both will be fired for having a PA on hospital time and grounds. I may do it anyway if wife refuses to ultimately quit her job and new "idiot friends (trash)" to get her away from them. Wow, you talking about mad then. I may have to take out a restraining order. I don't care as long as in the long run our marriage has a fighting chance.

I am not sure if I can give you a good advise but few options 1) to go and see the OM and tell him straight that you luv your wife and dont he try to damage your marriage. 2) if your wife says that she feel sory for OM, get yourself involved in it and ask her how both of us can help him. by doing this you are making yourself as part of her on the same time you are offering her the option to help him out whatever he is going through.

I m not sure if this will help, if not sorry
in the end I will pray for you, god help you to save your marriage.

me BS 33
WW 33
married 6 years
3 children
DD 26/12/05

Thanks for the advice. Right now I'll consider anything. As far as the OM goes he really doesn't have much to lose that I can see. I don't think he is married anymore he does have a kid but I don't think he is very involved. I honestly don't think he cares what he is doing as long as he gets to be with my wife. I think the only thing that can change his mind is a maybe a 2x4!

I guess I just want it over like today ya know! I know its going to be long road, it already has been and its only been 4weeks since I found out. Seems like a year! Well I wish you guys the best of luck in your relationships and pray that things continue to go in your favors. Thanks again for the advice and suggestions.

I'm new to the board...what is the benefit of exposure to the family? My WS has told her father but no one else. And I haven't even considered telling any of my family. My think was that if we worked through this that there was no reason for them (my family at least) to know.