I've heard several people here mention this term. I have no idea what an "exit affair" is. Can someone enlighten me, please?

An exit affair is supposedly when a spouse wants out of the marriage and uses an affair for an excuse.

Hmmm... so how to differentiate an exit affair from the others? So many WSs say it's over, it's over, it's over, and "Look! Here's an OP I love and adore to prove it!"

Personally I don't think it makes any difference what kind of affair it is.

I know what you're saying B, but mine was an exit A.

I think there is a big difference.

The OM's wasn't. He was very happy to have a wife and family and if he could have kept both going it would have suited him.

You see both sorts here a lot.

Well, Jen, if it was an exit affair, how come you didn't exit? I always assumed that an exit affair was where someone had always been unhappy with the marriage and used the affair as an excuse to leave - maybe didn't even care that much about the affair partner.

OK, I would really appreciate some extra input here. I'm 99.999999% sure WH had no OW in his life before he left. When he informed me he had a "friend" a couple of months after he left, I interrogated him in a very unemotional, fact-finding way, and one of the things I asked him was how he could start another R before the first one was finished. He said, "Because I considered our marriage over the moment I walked out the door."

Is this an exit affair?

Also - Believer, how are they the same, and Jen, how are they different?

RiverTam check out these links:http:

//www.affairs-help.com/types.html

http://divorcesupport.about.com/b/a/029192.htm

Thanks, Swan's Song. Off to check them out now.

I think my wife's affair was an exit affair. But I don't think she counted the cost before she left and when she did she came back.

Sorry, RT, I'm at work - I know that was a bit brief.

I was unhappy in my 28 year M. I had been for about 5 years. I had told myself that I'd never been happy. (Not true BTW). Cowardly, conflict avoiders like myself would rather have their hand forced than make a decision like "I want a divorce." Once the A was in full flight I wanted to leave my H for the OM.

I think B means there's no difference - all A's suck. She's right there.

I think the difference is the "cake eater" who wants to have both - a marriage and family and an OP and the person who wants to leave the marriage.

I didn't exit, B, cos when d-day came round my H and I learned a great deal about each other and I was continually amazed and humbled by the depth of my H's love for me and (after I got over the foggy crap) the depth of my love for him.

Thanks Jen, that is really enlightening.

So, in your opinion, is my WH's affair an exit affair? He has shown no desire to cake-eat (he is faithful to HER now), other than perhaps having me on hand as his whipping boy when the rage sets in.

You know thinking more about this, I've got myself a bit confused. B's right I guess a true exit A is one where the person looks for an A so they can exit. I never went looking for an A.

He would probably say it was. Never been happy, blah, blah, blah but it's so hard to know when the total fog is in control.

I guess what you're really asking is "any chance he'll change his mind."

With men, I would say yes - especially when he sees her full time warts and all and realises she's just a real person, not "the perfect person."

Do you know I think that's what so many people having A's think. At last the perfect person. Because they never see them in "dirty socks" mode. No such thing - and I'm very pleased I was given the opportunity by my H (for choosing to recover with me and not kick me out) to look inside myself and see that "I" was lacking, not my H or my M and no "other" person or anyone for that matter was going make up for the work that needed doing on me.

Tam,

I always considered an "exit affair" to also be where one spouse wants out of the marriage, so they have an affair as a way of getting their spouse to divorce them.

It lets them off the hook so to speak...when their spouse is the one to start the proceedings. Kind of the chicken**** way....<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />


committed

Thanks for that, Jen. Interesting!