I am not dealing with this all very well. I am a wreck. Right now there are too many things going on for me. WH is in his fog and being a total A$$. But I guess that's what he is suppose to be.

I reminded him of my doctor's appointment today. I put him on notice that he might have to pick up the boys from school if I ran late. He knows that I found a lump in my
breast the same week he moved out and that i had a mamm and doctor's visit scheduled. He wanted me to keep him informed - "despite where you and I are, I have a need to know what's going on - after all this is about my life too!" he said.

So I called after I left the doctor's office to tell him that yup - I wasn't imagining it - it's real. So Wednesday I go back for more films (they scheduled the diagnostic mamm
even though they didn't have the screening mamm report). So I told him all this - I was clearly shaken and he said thanks for letting me know and hung up. That's it - nothing else.

I am really starting to hate this man. I can't believe that I married such a selfish BAST^&*! I do not know this man and I feel assulted everytime I talk with him.

But he's not the issue (well between now and WED. the only issue is me and what that lump is). I would appreciate any and all support right now - I am truly going through this alone.

((((((((((((((Jan)))))))))))))))))

So sorry that you are going through this. Most masses are not cancer, so let's hope for that. If worse comes to worse, the treatment options are much better than ever before.

But I do think these are the kind of things that are hard to forgive. My dad is dying, and WH hasn't asked about him for a year. When his mom was sick, we scheduled all of our weekends and free time around her, and that went on for 2 years.

It's hard to figure out why someone we love could turn into a cold monster, but it happens all of the time.

((((jan)))) I hope you have someone else you can count on for support. Girlfriends or sisters, maybe? I have to post anonymously now but I have been a member since 2002. In 2003, a mammogram found a tumor in my breast. I had a mastectomy, reconstruction and chemotherapy. Jan, most masses are not cancer. And if yours is cancer, the treatments now are really effective and not nearly as debilitating as they used to be. I can try to answer any questions you might have from my experience. Hang in there, these times of crisis are when our defenses are lowest. A positive attitude is the best friend you will have right now. Let me know if I can help.

I am so sorry for your insensitive wh.
I know how vulnerable and scared you must feel.

We all care here at MB for you, (((Jan))).

I will keep you in my prayers tonight.

This is one of those times like the "footsteps in the sand"

In Christ's love,
K.D.'s Heartbreak

I found a lump a couple of years ago. Had it biopsied. It ended up being an adenoma(not malignant). Hang in there Jan. My thoughts are with you.
((((Jan))))

Just wanted to lend my support to you. I know you must be scared, but have faith that everything will be fine.

As far as your WH...they are all aliens!

(((((((((Jan))))))))))))

Thank you all - I am holding it together better than I thought. I am an oncology nurse so I know the worst case scenario better than I would like. Thanks for reminding me that many people have lumps that go on to be benign.

As for support - I have no one local - really no one except my coworkers. They have been supportive and i know I will get the best care from these people (should I need it). Tonight I talked with my best friend - in another state - for about an hour. All "our" friends are in WH's world. Being a stay at home mom for 7 years really cut me off from a support group and my family is in Michigan.

At the moment I am calm - probably becasue I cried my eyes out awhile ago becasue WH was bing such an A$$. I guess I just need to take a break from this marriage stuff - I am worn out.

Thanks guys - I can feel the hugs.

((( Jan )))

Are you within driving distance from Fort Worth ??? I will happily come there to hold your hand.

P.S. I have often wondered this, do you scrapbook ? Just wondering from your screen name. I just finished a 40 page book for my granddaughter for her first birthday. I so love to do this. I used to work for 6 years at Hobby Lobby, a store we all love.

I will seriously come to be with you if you are close enough.

Carnation

Jan, my best friend just got a clean bill of health after breast cancer surgery. She looks great! Prayers for your health, for finding a benign mass, and for your H to fall headfirst into a dirty septic tank.

Hi Jan,

I'm sorry to hear your news. I know how scared you must be. And your WH being an a$$ on top of it is just the pits. Jan you know deep down he is just as concerned as you. Don't let his insensitivity fool you. Your life is important.

Now let's absorb all those positive thoughts that have just been posted to you. Let's not worry until you definitely have something to worry about. {{{{{{{{{{{Jan}}}}}}}}}}}}}

(((Jan)))

I am so sorry to hear this. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

You're right, he's being selfish and it's all he can be. But... has he always been like this? If he wasn't, then you didn't marry a selfish b*****d, he just turned into one.

Forget him for now, he's no use to you nor anyone else. Turn to the people you have around you, and to your Father; they're (we're!) with you, and you're far from alone.

I agree with River Tam. Put your faith & trust in God. Perhaps this was His way of showing you that YOU are stronger than you ever thought you were. All things happen for a reason. Don't let your WH pull you down. You don't need him. He is just causing you more pain than what you are already in. You probably have TONS of people to support you-much better shoulders to lean on. Keep a positive attitude (even though it's tough) because this too shall pass..........and think of how GREAT you will feel about yourself to know that you overcame this WITHOUT his help-YOU ARE NOT ALONE!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Dear Jan,

Sending support from the middle of the pacific. {{{{hugz}}}}

As for your Ws, if he isn't being supportive, you don't have to tell all if you don't want or need to. It is up to you.

Please take care and let us know how we can help.

Aloha,
L.

Well I didn't sleep much last night - too worried about everything. I called everyone I could think of who could support me - best friend and a few family members. No one can support me though like WH use to. It was sad - I finally cried myself to sleep.

WH actually told me that he will wait to file until he knows the status of my health. Not sure what he means by that - it just hurt - like everything else he's doing right now. I just wish everything would SLOW down. I feel like my world is spiraling out of control and just when it starts to stabilize it starts to spin again.

Stay focused I keep saying to myself, get back to my self improvement. Keep doing the work on the house - make it pleasant and welcoming. Keep my emotions and the love in my heart safe. Don't love bust, don't hurt him anymore. Just focus on me - THIS IS SO [email]FU@KIN&[/email] hard for me. I don't like working on me - it just HURTS so much to face the stuff of my past. But there are no shortcuts - I just got to keep working through this.

Thanks for your help guys. A patient actually shared with me today that the affair her husband had 5 years ago was harder to deal with than the cancer diagnosis she got a month ago. She's now going through chemo with her husband by her side - fully reconciled! It was an inspiration. I will get through this.