I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this, but I am in desperate need of advice.

My wife and I have been married for 5 years. Since day one, we have been trying to conceive a child, but to no avail.

According to experts, I cannot produce sperm.

We talked about adopting a child, but she wants a child of her own desperatly, to the point where she becomes depressed about it.

We have talked about invitro and other clinical solutions, but we just can't afford it.

As a last resort, my wife recently asked if I would be ok if someone helped her concieve a child. I asked her how, and she said "the old fashioned way". She told me she already had someone in mind.

I don't know how I feel about all of this. I see her depressed and getting worse, and I just want her to be happy.

Any opinions are welcome.

Please don't do that, it will reeek havoc on your marriage.
Save your money and then try more sensible methods.

Richard,

I can understand the pain of infertility, but before your wife goes to this extreme, you two need to be on the same page!! PLEASE read the Marriage Builder concepts on this website for a great marriage, which include deep honesty and Policy of Joint Agreement.

You sound like a great supportive husband; I commend you! But this kind of behavior is best undertaken with a large dose of COUNSELING!

IF sperm donation is not against your faith/church, then it *IS* possible to plant sperm into your wife using something as simple as a clean turkey baster without any physical contact occurring with the donor.

I would NOT support her doing this "the old fashioned way"! Please know there are legal and psychological ramifications to this. In the (similar but different) case of surrogate mothers, extensive counseling is required of both the surrogate and the legal parents and there is not physical implantation. In your case, you would not be the legal father for probably 2 years (check out the legalities!).

I personally know of only ONE case where a man provided sperm "the old fashioned way" to a friend's wife with the husband's permission and a child was conceived... In their case, the marriage suddenly fell apart, and the "sperm donor" and former wife started living together before the baby was born! YIKES! There is a big risk of her thinking she's "fallen in love" with the sperm donor---BIG RED FLAG that she's already picked one!!

Your wife should come to terms with her GRIEF of infertility before she jumps into a new situation. There are national groups like S.H.A.R.E. and others which supports families dealing with infertility, and education on their choices. Just as a couple who has lost a child to death should deal with that loss before they adopt or have another biological child, so you and your wife can get help for the grief and depression that can be caused by infertility.

Adding the hormones of pregnancy (particularly when it is conceived outside of marriage) will not necessarily make her depression go away! It's important to address all aspects of this and not look at a child as a "magic pill" that makes things better. Contrary wise, pregnancy and children require a TON of attention that leave less time for dealing with psychological or marital issues.

Very best wishes on a healthier solution to this, R.C.!

J

Absolutely, NO. Never. Ever. Red flag. She is disrespecting you big time. Do you want to raise a child she conceived the "old fashioned way" with someone she's already got picked out? You're being screwed with.

jenny said everything i was going too. please listen to her. she is 100% right. could you consider a sperm bank instead? given the dangers from STD's these days i am a bit suprised she suggested "the old fashioned way". sorry, it just rings alarm bells with me.

hugs

carolyn

Thank you for your opinions.

When you guys say "Red Flag", what do you mean by that?

RED FLAG: noun; warning signal; a warning of danger; something that demands attention or provokes an irritated reaction.


If she's "already picked someone out"(!!) to do it "the old fashioned way"(huge problem--triple !!!!), there could be more to it than her desire for a child. You do not mention her having any concern for YOUR feelings/desires in this. Kids are something you should do TOGETHER regardless of where you get them.

J
(experience with infertility, birth, adoption, AND adultery/OC)

Hi richard,

For me when i read your post, it seemed almost like she was asking your permission to have an affair, with the excuse being that she was only doing it to get pregnant.

If her only goal was simply to concieve there are much better, safer and more effective ways than doing it the "old fashioned way".Ways that wont destroy your relationship. There are sperm banks who screen applicents for genetic fitness and for diseases. even if that had not occurred to her, i am concerned that the idea of actual full physical intimacy with another man did.

I guess i can only go by the way i would react but to me the solutions that present in my mind go like this:

a) save like crazy people to afford IVF
b) try a sperm bank
c) obtain sample from willing and able friend and utilise turkey baster technology.

The idea of sleeping with another man would not even rate. The fact that the idea of full physical intimacy with another man was the idea she went with suggests to me that she is looking for something else besides getting pregnant.

i am really sorry that you are facing a situation like this. i know you say your wife is very depressed about this and depressed people are not good decision makers.
i think if i was you i would have a good look around this website, particularily the his needs/her needs and emotional needs concepts. i think they can help you identify whatever is going on for your wife and sort it out before it becomes a full blown infidelity issue.

hugs

Carolyn

Richard,
I went through some infertility problems myself. It was me the one that could not have babies ... having said that, I think you may be depressed too ...

I know I was ... the feeling of inadequacy that comes with the infertility problems ... the looks of disappointment in our spouses, even when they don't say anything ... those would get me more depressed ... it felt that everyone around me was having babies except me ... me ... because I was the one with the problems ...
I finally got pregnant after two months of treatments ... my little miracle is in her terrible 2's and the joy of my life ...
but at the same time, by the time I got pregnant, we were already growing apart and he was already in an affair ... even worse ... my daughter has a brother who is just 9 months younger than she.

It may seem to you that we are overreacting to your situation ... we are not ... the fact that your W already has someone in mind, is not good for you or your relationship ... do not let your depression or your feelings of guilt drive you to let her have a child the old fashioned way ... it will destroy you and your M.
Please seek help for you, for your W and for the both of you ...

good luck!

Thanks for all your inputs,

I guess I never thought my wife was thinking about just cheating, but know that I think about it, maybe there is a cause for concern. I don't know.

She wants us all to sit down together and talk about it. Maybe I should tell her that this isn't going to work out.

Uhm, yeah. Absolutely. Richard you have no idea what ****** you would let yoruself, wife, OM and baby in for.

Even if she is not consciously THINKING of cheating, even if she is justifying herself in her head (could be one or both), we're talking about an intimate act with someone outside your marriage... it isn't necessary and just plain hurts. And have you thought about STDs?! Her "plan" is a huge mistake.

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, okay? Could you run it by a counselor and then you'd have some back up, a professional opinion?? Don't let them gang up on you.

Well things haven't been so well recently.

I told her that it was a bad idea for all those reasons you guys listed, and we had a huge argument.

Basically, it boiled down to me not supporting her, and not understanding how important it is to her.

She says that she doesn't want to wait anymore or try different things because in her mind this is the easiest way, and that the other guy has already agreed to it.

She said I should punisher her for my failures.

I don't know what to do.

How important is her marriage to her?

>other guy has already agreed to it.

Of course he has.

>She said I should punisher her for my failures.

That was very insensitive of her. What about her punishing you by saying things like that? Like you can help this?

I'm so sorry. Your W has NOT thought this thru.

Richard,

I had an A during separation with H. We were married ten years then and we were not able to conceive. Doctors said that H has low sperm counts. One of the lies the devil put into my mind is that I should try it with OM.Actually that was the main motivation implanted to me by the devil to have sex out of marriage. Very bad idea... I regret it... thank God I did not get pregnant. But unknown to me then, H had two OCs already from OW. Our doctors were wrong.

My suggestion, get a second... third opinion regarding your infertility problem. And having a baby with OM in "old fashioned way" is not a good idea. Stop your wife right now about doing it. Maybe a sperm donor done in clinical way. Pray together that God will lead you both in the right way...

Be strong,
Someone

Have you asked your wife what happens if they have their One Night Stand to do the deed and it didn't produce a pregnancy what happens then?? Are you just supposed to keep letting them have sex until it takes?? My wife and I tried months before one child was conceived and yet another just happened?? No easy answer. I have always wanted a Bio child and am glad I have some but if roles were reversed...sadly I don't think I would be strong enough to never have one, even if it meant a divorce. I am not proud of that but thats the truth.

How does your W even know if this OM is fertile?

Get to a fertility clinic a s a p.

Better to be honest and talk it out NOW than after the fact. Great points above.

She is being very insensitive to YOU! Does all her life revolve around her wants and needs, or just this issue? Sheesh.

I'm sorry, guy.