Alison, have you exposed the affair at your husband's workplace yet?

Many people at his work are aware, but I have not gone to the head guy yet... I am still not in the right place for me to do it yet...

One thing is with him coming over every night you have had opportunities to plan A. But it defeats the purpose if you can't try to be upbeat and your attractive self and do a good plan A.

I know it is hard and that you get lonely and depressed. I am sorry you are going through this.

How are you doing about getting out on your own? Do you have a Mommy's Morning Out near you? Many churches offer that service. How about a mother's support group?

Do you get out and go for walks, get fresh air? Do something for yourself, something you enjoy to help take your mind off this mess.

I'm not sure I understand. Are you planning on acting like everything is fine around BIL? If so, WHY?

FIM

Please describe what this "right place" is and how you'll know when you get there. More than anything else, when will you get ready to start killing this affair?

I don't know why you would want to lie for him. That makes you complicit. That makes you and enabler of the affair and not allowing him to experience any negative consequences from his actions. I think that is a big mistake.

You need to stand up for what is right and moral.

Trix - I do get out - not as much as I would like to, but I am working on that... I have been doing an awesome plan A until a day ago when the emotions came pouring out...

Faith - I am not going to "act" in love with my H. I am just going to be myself. H and I have never really been lovey in front of BIL... What am I supposed to do??

Long - The "right place" for me is accepting other peoples advice on this one. It is advice, and I am not taking it right now... I guess that is what my "right place" is... I have taken a lot of advice and some has worked and some has not. I have and am choosing not to go to the head guy yet...

That saddens me very much, Alison. Until you break the affair up, your husband will continue to be a cake eater and nothing is going to change for the better in your life. Very, very sad...

Well, for now - it is what it is. I am sad too, but that is how I am choosing to handle things right now...

I am just chugging along day by day and that is about the best I can do right now...

Oh. I got the impression that you were possibly going to hide the state of your marriage and your husbands affair from his brother.

Just wondering...but glad to hear that's not your plan of action.

FIM

Ok I sense so much sarcasm in that... I don't want to hide anything, but what am I supposed to do?? The guy just got back from Iraq. His mom said she was going to say something to him, but I doubt that will happen...

BIL will be upset and angry - not at me and I could care less if he is mad at my H, but I just don't even know how to approach the topic. "Oh, hey, how was Iraq? Your brother is ceating on his family, has moved out of our home, and oh yeah, how was iraq???"

Should I even go??? I do have to option to back out... I don't want to enable H, but I adore BIL, what should I do??

Actually, there wasn't any sarcasm there. When I'm sarcastic I usually use the <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> guy to convey it. I do have quite a sarcastic nature though, so maybe that was coming through somehow.

At first it sounded like you were going to hide it. So I asked. Then you said you weren't. So I said I misunderstood. Now it sounds like you aren't going to lie, but not share it either.

It is a hard place to be in. I had inlaw issues myself.

I chose to tell them because 1- exposure to everyone including family is one of the strongest weapons available to end an affair. My MIL, SIL and BIL were a support system for me and he cared about their opinion of him 2- his A affects every single person in the family forever. never underestimate the power each single person has on another. 3- Because I cared. I cared about our marriage. I cared about my family. My fears of exposing to his family were issues I had to overcome because they were insignificant to the importance of my children, marriage and family. My marriage could overcome his anger (and he did get over it). It never recovered from his ongoing affair.

As to how to approach the topic? Your answer seems kind of sarcastic. Personally, I wouldn't have a problem with a similar statement to what you said. There are other ways to relay it though.

How about a simple, "Welcome home. I missed you. I hope that regardless of how WS's affair affects our marriage, you know how happy I am to see you safe."

There are a million ways to do it.

THen again, you don't have to at all.

I'm just saying that I would. I wouldn't pass up a single opportunity to save my marriage.

I know you're having a hard time right now and the hopelessness and sadness are working on you. It's not easy fighting the A monster and it can tear you apart. Following Plan A to the letter (as best as I could) was what gave me stability and a sense of purpose. I had a plan to save my M and all I could do each day was my best. It helped me more than I can tell you to fight of the despair.

Exposure to everyone is part of Plan A. I followed that (the only instance in which I didn't at first was to report him ond OW to the military. BIGGEST mistake I made. I should have from day 1).

You have to do what is right for you.

fIM

Without exposing you are allowing the affair to continue to roll right on.

Would you rather expose and risk him having to look for a new job or let him continue to have an affair with the other woman.

Seems to me that his job is more important to you than your relationship with your husband.

Thanks Faith - I really am not sure what I am supposed to do or what would sit right with me... I don't want to cause a scene, my H is terrified that I will...

My H is being a big meany right now. He is the sneakiest person I know... Never met a guy like this ever... He will still not tell me who he was out with last weekend, only that it wasn't Traci.

Now he tells me he is going out with Collin but won't tell me where they are going... This, my H believes is a huge control issue for me. And it sort of is, but darn - it feel I have a right to know. He says I have no right to know anything since we are separated...

How am I suposed to feel about that...

Faith - are you and your H in recovery?? Is there truly hope???

Alison...

I haven't posted to you before, but I have been following your story a bit...admittedly, I don't know every last detail, but I just have to ask...WHY, WHY, WHY are you not taking the advice given to you here? I'm honestly not trying to be a smarta$$, but I am really trying to understand...So I have two very serious questions for you...

1. What do you think will happen if you fully expose this affair?


2. What do you think will happen if you do not fully expose this affair?


I am asking you these questions in earnest, I hope that you will answer them for me...


Mrs. Wondering


P.S. Btw, if Mr. Wondering were to have exposed my A to just my OM's parents, my A would have been stopped dead in it's tracks-I am 100% certain of this...our entire family would have been spared the extra pain of the A continuing...Mr. W had not yet found Marriage Builders at that time, and therefore did not know the value of exposure...Alison, you, on the other hand, are here, and you have had the opportunity to learn what a powerful tool that exposure is...Knowledge is POWER...WHY WON'T YOU USE YOUR POWER TO BENEFIT YOUR LIFE AS WELL AS YOUR HUSBAND'S?

Alison, telling your BIL about the state of your marriage is an opportunity to have your BIL put pressure on your WH to end the A and his living single lifestyle.

Your WH won't be proud of himself in the presense of brother. He obviously cares how his brother sees him. He will be angry at you for exposing but it is really a great opportunity toward saving your marriage.

Don't miss this opportunity. It doesn't have to be done as a scene...you can just fit it in as it naturally comes. Pray before you go there for that opportunity. It can be matter of fact when asked how you and the baby are doing. It doesn't have to take away from the homecoming of his brother, the hero. The contrast of hero - infidel will be more evident to your WH with exposure.

The problem I am unfortunately having is that my H denies denies denies everything. He has an answer for the cell phone bills and the text message. He will tell his brother that we have been having problems for a while...

I just don't know how to handle it. I really don't... I had no problem telling his parents, but his brother is truly a different story. I simply would like to try to bring it up casually - but how casually can I do it when I am still quite devestated about it...

at a huge loss for words on this one...

Do you know why he's terrified? Because he's ashamed. If it was such a great thing he'd be proud and yelling it from the rooftops.

It's not though. It's ugly and shameful. And he NEEDS you to keep it a secret so everyone doesn't see the disgusting A for what it is. As long as he can be mean and control you into aiding his continuation of the affair, it remains less ugly in his warped mind and will continue without the light to show it for what it really is.


First, there is truly hope. I've seen it every day and it's why I still come here.

I am not in recovery. I divorced him. This was his 11th affair (most I didn't know about until after but I knew about enough of them to have known better).

After a while he did decide he wanted our marriage after all. I would have been in the same position down the road though. He's a serial cheater with major character issues. I walked away and will never regret it. I'm remarried, happy and use MB principles every day in our marriage.

I did a great Plan A...if I do say so myself. I did a Plan B but I didn't expose in the way I should have from the start. I did learn a lot though. I'm glad I followed the MB program and I still consider myself an MB success.

So, YES there is hope!! I've been here long enough to see just how amazingly it can work. Don't give up. But don't do it half way. MB is a PROGRAM designed to be used as such. Leaving out parts because they don't feel right or out of fear is only going to hinder your attaining the end goal.

I found that looking at the end goal was helpful. You want to save your marriage. You have a program available to you. USE IT.

It's not much different than a WS saying they want to follow MB, except that pesky NC part. It doesn't feel right to totally cut that person out.

A WS has to fully commit to NC at some point and rebuilding to have a chance. It's part of the program.

Same thing with exposure. It's pesky. It's uncomfortable. It's down right hard to do for some people.

But, it needs to be done.

Sorry to be long winded. You won't find a short post from me. I'm a wordy gal, sorry.

I hope this helps somewhat though. People truly care about you and your marriage Alison. That's why we come here with our advice.

Good luck <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

FIM

Allison, just because he denies doesn't mean that he isn't in an A. Stop accepting his denial and call a spade, a spade. Deny his denial.

He is separated partly because in his mind he can justify what he is doing -the A-, and say it is okay because of the separation. He is trying to appease his guilt. He is so on the fence it isn't even funny.

I believe you know the truth in your gut. I don't think you need to doubt that. Sure it'd help to have real concrete proof.

At the very least you can point out the separation and single mind set to the BIL. That alone is incriminating. Afterall, the guy has a little baby at home with his wife. So, he comes home and plays husband or boyfriend for a couple of hours each night...he is the embodiment of entitlement...and you are enabling it to continue.