I am in the Military. Just found out who the OM is. OM is in the military, but different command. Wanting to know what i need, before I expose to OM's CO and mine? Do I need proof of the A. And what are somethings that I should be worried about when I do expose? any help would be great. thanks.

I think you need to clear up your intentions for telling his CO.

Is this for revenge? To get him in trouble? Wrong motive.

If it is to get his attention and inform him that you are not going to let him ruin your marriage, that's a better motive, but maybe not the best way.

I suggest you call your base legal and find out what they recommend. Certainly we'd like to think the men and women in the military can be held to a higher standard, but that's not always the case. If he gets along with his CO, then the result of your information could be a slight slap on the wrist -- not what you wanted.

If you feel there is a UCMJ punishable offense here, then base legal is the way to go. Get your ducks in a line first -- maybe talk to a chaplain about his opinion -- chaplains have seen it all and could probably tell you stories of good and bad outcomes.

The military is a small community (relatively) and both of you could come out of this smelling a little bit if your intentions are seen as vengeful.

Just my $.02.

About 10 years ago I was in your shoes. I didn't have any proof of a PA, but I had a lot of evidence that suggested. I went to the OM's CO and presented my case with hopes of the CO ordering the OM to stay away from another soldier's wife. Basically nothing happened. I wrote a statement outlining the OM's activities and gave it to legal, but again nothing really happened that helped. I agree about talking to a chaplin first and then maybe legal and your CO. I would avoid going to OM's CO; let your CO approach the OM. In my case I ended up in the baraks so that there would be no chance of domestic violence - the military has a way of taking care of their own (me) but d/n do anything about him. Please note, there was no history of any violence.

In the end my WW divorced me and married the OM. They divorced when his WW (my ex-WW haha) went after a new OM. Now the 1st OM & I are friends and get togeter for a beer whenever I'm in D.C. & have a good laugh about it all. Our former WW is still continuing in her patterns. She has 5 kids by 4 men; she's a real sicko. All the kids are with their dads except the last one (2 yr old). WW cannot seen to catch the latest OM. It's ok to laugh with us.

Best of luck, but don't count on the military to help too much. The affair has to end on it's own before you can rebuild your relationship. If it ends it will end either by your W realizing it has to end or by dying a natural death. If the military "forces" it to end, it wont really end - they'll get more creative and long to be together that much more. It's their choice alone. I recommend Plan A for as long as you can hold out, then do Plan B. I'm still in Plan A (different girl though). Good luck.

If this guy is on the good side of the command. I expect he will get off with an a$$ chewing, and threat of further involvement. Military commands "like family" will attempt to fix the problem at the lowest possible level, with a stern warning of continued involvement.

You being military also. If enlisted: I would consider going to YOUR command senior enlisted. Let that indivual work for you. Also ensuring your command will not be blindsided later. If you don't feel you received the assistance you deserved, take it to the Commanding Officer.

I do not think that my intentions are vengeful. Just want him to know that I am not going to let him ruin my marriage and want his attention. and want his superiors to know so that they can get on him to stop the affair. no intention to hurt his career. Just a little jolt to stop what is going on. I will talk to my senior enlisted before going any further up chain of command.
The military always has a messed up way of dealing with things that make no sense at all.
will also talk to legal. thanks for the help.

Contact the Chaplain, your 1st Shirt and WWs 1st Shirt. Let them know what is going on. They will bring in the OMs 1st Shirt and ask you what you think should be done. When I did this my WW was within 4 months of retirement and the chaplain and I decided to go with a command ordered No Contact.
Sometimes I feel that I should have had both hammered under UCMJ, but ruining my WWs retirement and possibly losing her retirement check was and is a valid consideration.
Adultry is a UCMJ punishable offense, but it is usually handled at lowest level unless the NC is broken then it becomes disobeying a direct order, at that time stripes may fly in a bad way.
If OM is an officer or your WW is an officer and OM is enlisted, all bets are off and exposing to 1st Shirt will cause said officer a lot of grief.
Be sure you have evidence of PA, sometimes even evidence of an EA is enough because it gives the perception of wrong doing. I exposed an EA to OMs wife, sent her evidence while he was TDY, his homecoming was ugly, she also contacted my WW, another ugly scene, but EA is over. He is an enlisted cop on his way to Iraq this month and his life should be ******. I could have contacted his CC, but it may not have been as effective as his wife was.
Your call, just my .02

Good Luck!

Broken,

Are both you and your WW in the military in addition to the OM? I have more than 29 years in the military and have seen these things go in all directions.

Is OM also married? I agree that you should see the Chaplain first, but you should also use your chain-of-command. Make sure that you can substantiate that your WW is in fact having an affair. This doesn't have to be JAG legal proof, just more than a mere suspicion.

Your senior NCO may actually speak to the senior NCO of the OM before things escalate up to the CO level. Although some of these folks are correct in their views that sometimes the military doesn't take action, some CO's will take it very seriously.

These things have a way of biting them in the A** later if the problem ends up at a higher level of the command and it is exposed that the CO was aware and took NO ACTION.

Good Luck.

Who

Good thought on maybe not involving COC. Military has a wierd way of handling things. they don't always do what you hope for or think is the best. I know who the OMs wife is and I intend to be contacting her with much information.
WW isnt in the military just OM and I. OM is suppose to be PCSing in April. So I have to expose with in the next couple months or else there will be no point. cuz he'll be gone. Anyone got any ideas for Exposure letters that I could use. thanks for all the help.

Definitely check with the chaplain. That's what I did, we ended up in the Commander's office, along with JAG, etc. They almost installed cameras in his office. I told them I didn't WANT to see it. But because I started with the chaplain, he didn't get snowballed out. It can depend on your Command. So step lightly at first, just carry a big stick..hehe.

good idea starting with the chaplain first. thanks

Its nice of you giving the OM a going away gift....one that will hurt him at his current base and follow him to his next. The gift that keeps on giving!!! he new what he was doing was dangerous!!! Show no mercy!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

thanks for the advice. WW is not in military but does work for the Government. I get mixed feelings from myself. I want to show no mercy to both of them and then the next day Ill see my WW and talk with her and then feel as if everything will be ok. CONFUSING! And the source that I have recieved my info from about whom the OM, I think is interested in me and since she knows that my marriage is rocky she might have said some things to sway my thoughts to make me want to persue divorce so that she can persue me. CONFUSING!

While this would be nice, this isn't the type of offense that will follow him to his next assignment unless they either give him nonjudiciary punishment or a courtsmartial. Both of these are highly unlikely.

It is too bad, but true.

Who

Any thoughts on what to do for Valentines day while all this is going on. Should we celebrate it, and what about holdays and birthdays? should we celebrate them with each other. or just keep away?

A Big Yes! Celebrate it together. Keep it simple through.

S&C

I thought that i should. And if she doesn't want to spend it with me? should I persue her on it or just leave it alone?

If she doesn't want to, it's probably a good time to have someone tail her with a camera.

Send her flowers anyway. Send a dozen to work and three to where she is living. The people where she works will go goo goo and think you're such a great guy and the OM (if he's living there) will see it and start to get jealous and think he has to keep up. This is a way of plan A'ing those around her. I did it with my wife and it made it so much harder for her to find a way to tell her parents, friends and co-workers.

Do little things that others around her will see. They will start to ask her why she is fooling around with OM, when you're such a catch. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Blessing to you.

S&C

Great Idea About sending flowers to her work. I was planning on sending to the place that she is staying at and yes the OM will see them. What do you think about b-days. Mine is coming up in a couple weeks. Should I ask her if she wants to do something with me or see if she does anything.

Hey broken,

Any updates?

About your B-Day. That one is tough. If she is receptive to Valentines Day then maybe. I would consider something she likes to do. Otherwise, just invite her to dinner and gether really drunk and put hickies all over her neck! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Just kidding. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> Make it a short dinner at a nice place, but not fancy. And one or two times during the dinner reminisce about something the two of you did together before you married or shortly after. Something that you know will make her smile. But don't over do it.

S&C

just found out that WW is still seeing OM. or another OM. Was with him over superbowl. Makes me sick. Also found out that the only way she would work things out with me is out of feeling bad for me or because I want it but not her. Makes me sick. Losing all hope. Lost and Abandoned. What to do?