Refer to last post

bump

My friend, there are some real pros out here such as Melodylane, Dorry, Mr&Mrs Wondering, MortarMan, et al. Compared to them, I'm a complete amateur. I chime in where I think I can point out something and I hope I’ve been of assistance a couple of times.

I’m almost sure private messages can’t be authorized out here. I can’t find anything on my profile page where they can be. Color me ignorant on that score. If someone knows how that is done, I’m not averse to turning that feature on.

On the other hand, and speaking frankly, if you have difficulties with suspected or known infidelity, you need as many minds as possible helping brainstorm solutions with you. You have complete anonymity out here. No one is going to track you down for any reason under the sun. This is a place where you can lay out your problems and ask for support and help. Please do that. We’ll be glad to be here for you.

Hi reallyconcerned and Longhorn...

About the PM thing...the mods here have disabled that feature because this is an infidelity forum...a lot of affairs begin online...

really concerned, as Longhorn has said, please feel free to be candid here...you are safe. The people here genuinely care and will do all that they can to help you. It would be beneficial for you to receive advice from all points of view...there is much insight and support to be gained here...

Best,

Mrs. Wondering

Post deleted by reallyconcerned

Why would you want to hide exposure from your husband? reallyconcerned, the purpose of exposure is to burst the bubble of the fantasy world that your H and the OW have created for themselves, and hasten the end of the affair. Affairs do not survive the light of day...the fastest way to kill an affair is to expose it to the world. Sheltering your husband from the consequences of his poor choices will not allow exposure to do the job for which it was intended. Did you promise your H that you wouldn't expose to OWH? The only thing worse than making a bad promise, reallyconcerned, is keeping a bad promise. The OWH has a right to know about the choices that his wife is making behind his back that affect his life. Btw, do not tell your husband that you are going to expose, just expose...forewarned is forearmed. Who else can you expose to that would have influence over your H? His parents? Siblings? Close Friends?


And he should...your H and OW are adults...When adults choose a behavior, they also choose the consequences of that behavior. Are you worried about military sanctions? Why are you worried about that? Your H and OW certainly weren't, because they knew the consequences, quite well I'm sure, and they still chose to have the A. If you and OWH want this A to end then you should shout from the mountaintops about what they are up to...


Are you saying that you are afraid that if you expose you will lose your h due to his anger? Well, first, think about that for a minute...you have already lost him essentially, he is involved in an affair...that does not a marriage make. Will your husband be angry when you expose? Absolutely, all WSes are, but guess what, they all get over it. Your marriage can survive your husband's anger, but it CAN NOT and WILL NOT survive an ongoing affair...reallyconcerned, the best chance you have to save your marriage and keep your family intact is to expose this affair, will you do that?


Mrs. Wondering

Dear RC,

As you know I am fairly new here also. I have looked over your posts and the one thing that sticks out is that your WH is seeming to control your decisions. We here can only advise you what to do but in the end it is your call.

The ones I made as of today I still don't know if they will be worth it in the long run but I made them and I will always take responsibility for them.

Take care of yourself. I knew I had some things I had to change and never did. This was my wakeup call. I don't know if it to late but in the end if you know you took care of what you could do it will be ok.

Last note read the books suggest here. They give you some insight on what is going on.

Post deleted by reallyconcerned

(bump)

RC, I held onto the secret of the A for him for over a month. WH told me he will stop seeing OW. He was even told by his command to have NC with her and did he stop no. A are like an addiction. I have one to the TV. I had to quit caol turkey and have become a better person for it. He chose to go against all that was desent to still see her. I made promises to my WH when he first told me but I had to learn a hard lessen. Ask yourself are thinking that you might hurt this H for the right reasons or the wrong reason. He has giving you an emotional slap of really to your marriage but he has not gotten his.

Yes the military is part of this because he chose his career. Taking care of yourself is part of taking care of your side of the marriage.

I know I sound like I know what I am talking about but like I said I had to learn the very long and hard way. And you might have to also. Remember he is an adult and his actions are HIS!!!

I got to tell you...deleting all of your posts in a thread you start is REALLY Aggravating.

Post deleted by reallyconcerned

WS and I have been having nice times together. Today he is acting more kind, thoughful. I'm wondering if this is because he has had contact with OW and feels guilty or if he has had contact with OW and he has just become so excited or if it is just him showing me a little more attn. Um, is there a way to know these things?

RC, I didn't see the deleted posts so I don't have much information to go on. I can't understand why you're sure the affair is not continuing? Was there something in the deleted material that explains that?

Post deleted by reallyconcerned

RC, whether the military way of handling an adultery is best might be debatable, but what is certain is that if your spouse is still having an affair, your marriage is down the tubes. I don’t know what kind of evidence you have, what you used to confront, or whether your WH confessed. If you can repost your story, we can all help brainstorm solutions for your situation. A couple of points though: (A) affairs seldom end unless the secrecy they thrive in has been smashed, and (B) the OWH has no chance to fix his marriage if he doesn’t know there’s something wrong.

BTW, wayward spouses rarely are punished for adultery in the military. It’s awfully difficult to prove unless they are caught en flagrante. They can, as mhwag’s husband was, be punished for disobeying an order to stay away from the other person or some similar offense. Frankly, I wouldn’t be concerned right now about what your WH’s commander might do if WH doesn’t have the good sense to obey an order he has not yet received. Concentrate instead on whether you want to spend the rest of your marriage with another person intruding into your relationship. If you don’t, again, use your anonymity out here to lay out your story and the pros out here will be more than happy to help you out. I’ll chime in where I can be of service, okay?

Post deleted by reallyconcerned

Are you in an overseas area? That’ll be critical information the folks out here will need to know to assist you.

Also, I think you should edit the title of your thread to something that doesn't specifically name me. You want lots of folks reading it and chiming in with advice. We'll find you by searching for your screen name.

Okay…read any number of the threads out here and you’ll discover wayward spouses become very adept at slipping around the truth. That he has told you the affair is over does not mean it actually is, and even if they did “end it” by mutual consent, such things flare up again without warning. If he is distant on occasion and up on others, it may be a big red flag that he is getting a “fix” seeing the OW from time to time.

What may have happened, as you say, is that the affair may have only been driven underground. I assume you installed a key logger on your PC or you found some emails or something like that? Make sure you keep whatever you have, preferably somewhere off the premises. If you do have to go to through the command channels, they’ll want some support for what you’re telling them.

At this point, I think you critically need more information so you can determine whether the affair is still going on or not. You have almost nothing to go on right now. While I recommend keeping the key logger in place (if that’s what you used), it’s unlikely they’ll use that way of contacting again. There are a variety of things you can do, such as buying one or more small, voice activated recorders (one to go in the car he uses and another near a phone he might use to contact); inspecting his cell phone for calls to the OW; reviewing cell phone bills and/or online records; checking his email, etc.

A note: if your WH agrees a letter of NC will be sent to OW and further agrees to open his cell phone to you any time you want to see the internal records (same with email), it will be an excellent sign. Have you asked him to be absolutely transparent?

Anyway, while you gather information, you can read worthatry’s “Quick Start for Betrayed Spouses on the “Just Found Out” forum if you haven’t already. If you can, get a copy of Surviving An Affair by Dr. Willard F. Harley. It’s often available on half.com for much less than Amazon or Barnes & Noble. Read up on Plan A, and the follow-on Plan B here on MB. Then you’ll be ready to implement a good, strong Plan A.

Whew! That’s enough for one message. I fear it’s getting too long, so I’m going to post this and check back in the morning. Hang in there, okay?

rc, exposure will not cause the problem for his marriage. The AFFAIR has caused problems for the marriage. I don't understand why you are concerned with revealing for the right reasons. Isn't it your purpose to SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE? Because that is the purpose of exposure. Helping them hide their dirty secret only helps the AFFAIR because affairs can only survive in secrecy. Exposure is ruinous to affairs.

Further, you have a moral obligation to warn the OWH that he is being destroyed behind his back so he can protect himself and his children from your H and his W.


However, the affair is not likely to end so there will be no "rebuilding" if you continue to refuse to expose this affair while you waste time examining your "motives." Ruining the affair and saving your marriage should be good enough reason to move forward.


First off, Plan A is a private plan for you to execute to END THE AFFAIR. It is not a mutual plan and your H shouldn't know about it. The purpose of Plan A is to end the affair. Once the affair has ended, you can ask him to write the nc letter. But that is not necessary until the affair has ended.



Again, it is not exposure that is causing the problem, but your H's AFFAIR. You are making a huge mistake by thinking you are helping the situation by helping him hide his secret. By doing so, you are contributing to the demise of TWO marriages.

If you think she may intercept, I would suggest calling him up. Disguise your caller ID by using *67 and call and ask for him. Then tell him about the affair and offer to tell him more if he wants. I would also give him your phone # in case he wants to call you and compare notes. He can be a great ally in defeating the affair.