Listen to Melody Lane, she has helped me a lot! Call the OWH and inform him, provide all evidence you have if he wants it. He will probably take it to mil authorities, chaplain first is a better way and having the chaplain with when discussing with mil authorities is a good thing,
In my experience with my WW (AD/AF) and OM (AD/AF).

Post deleted by reallyconcerned

Please reveal/expose. My WW had started an EA with another GI who was nmarried and has small children. I found the emails while checking about the A. I confronted her, she got really defensive, so I emailed the OM, no response, I googled his name, got his home phone (he was TDY for training prior to deployment to Iraq) called his wife. She asked for the emails and WWs phone #, I sent all I had, she called back, was just as uncomfortable with the emails as I was, thought they were way too familiar. Couldn't contact her H so called back and asked me if she could talk to WW, I said "Certainly, here are her #s again and I know she is there, I just hung up with her." I don't know what was said, WW was very mad, told me I had caused her to lose all of her friends, I said reallyhow was that. Taht was the end of it. If only gettibng the A out of her head was so easy.

Good morning, RC. As Eagle said, listen to Melody. She's the one I go to with questions and she always has an answer for me. I sometimes get the cart before the horse; she never does. On top of that, she's a fine and classy lady--and I'm not just saying that because she's a Texan also. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Generally speaking, if you know OWH's name and his duty station, you can find his dutyphone number. There should be a directory assistance, or operator assistance function available. I don't know which of the services your WH is in, but that should be standard across the DoD. Even better, if you know his organization (maybe down to the lowest organizational element?) you can easily reach him by calling that organization and asking for him.

Let's face it. You have plenty to expose to OWH right now. You got your WH to admit to the affair just with what you have, so it must be very good evidence. It won't be any more difficult for OWH to connect the dots than it was for you. OWH can be your staunchest ally in busting up this affair and, as Melody pointed out, by keeping quiet, you are being complicite in the death of OW and OWH's marriage. In your reply above you said you've told your husband how you feel about "deception by omission and to me this is equal to lying." If you don't expose to OWH, are you not being deceptive by omission?

I am concerned that this is your WH's second affair. That is not good. I'm guessing, but the first episode must not have been resolved successfully because he has reoffended. The difficulties may have continued in your marriage that might have led to him being vulnerable for an affair. Nothing, however vulnerable he might have been, justifies an affair however. He made his own self-indulgent, destructive choices and it's time for that to end. That's what exposure and Plan A are designed to accomplish. After that, I strongly recommend you get to a pro-marriage couples counselor.

Below are a couple of links to MB threads on Exposure and Plan A. These have proven useful to others and may be of use to you.

Affair Exposure 101: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...&PHPSESSID=

The Carrot and Stick of Plan A: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...&PHPSESSID=

RC, reviving your marriage will not easy. If you want your husband back, there are tough things you have to do. Hang in there, okay?

RC, it is a huge mistake to not expose, that will hamper your chances at saving your marriage. First off, the chances that the affair will resume are greatly increased if you don't. If there are 2 people watching frm both ends, then the chance of resumption is greatly decreased.

The OWH should have the same opporunity to save his marriage that you have recieved. He can't do that if you aide and abet this lie and keep their secret.

I would also assert that you are probably going through this a second time becaues you didn't expose before. Had there been consequences, your H might have had second thoughts.



The only thing worse than making a bad promise is KEEPING a bad promise. Breaking a bad promise for a good reason is not an untrustworthy act. And there is nothing virtuous in helping the affairees hide their affair from their victim.

When you do that, you are just as guilty as they are. This man has a RIGHT to know he is being destroyed behind his back and you have a moral obligation to warn him so he can protect himself.


Why would you worry about this if she apparently IS NOT? That makes no sense, RC.

RC, the likelihood OWH is abusive is extremely small. Such things get talked about in the small community of a military installation. I think you're letting small concerns grow too large in your mind.

You say the OW has confided in WH that she is not happy in her marriage? Lady, that is what they ALL do. Your husband told her the same things! Neither means anything at all. Saying such things are how they justify the adultery in their minds. By the way, she'd have told him at the point she was complaining about her marriage if her husband was physically abousive.

You have said you are working your way through a financial situation. I cannot figure out what you mean by questioning whether you should disclose that also. Disclose it to whom? Why would its existence, much less it's disclosure to OWH, have any effect whatsoever on his marriage?

You are also concerned about your husband ever trusting you again. Excuse me? He has committed adultery twice. He has lied to you repeatedly during the entire period of those episodes. The deceit and dishonesty implicit in every act of infidelity is monumentally disrespectful to you and you are worried about telling him you wouldn't expose? RC, it is HE who has to regain your trust, not the other way around.

I think Melody has it right. Keeping that promise is absolutely wrong.

I wouldn't suggest forewarning him. I would simply tell the OWH and then inform her H that she could not keep that pernicious little promise to keep his secret from his victim. It would be immoral to do so.

RC, let me ask you this. If you knew that your neighbor's bookkeeper was embezzling money from him would you hesitate for a minute to warn him? Would you make excuses like "I am examining my motives to make sure it isn't for revenge." Or "I don't want to hurt him and his family?"

Wouldn't it be crystal clear that warning him that he is being harmed would be the best course of action?

I dare say that you are decent human being who would put your neighbor's best interest first and march over there and warn the man, wouldn't you? So why apply a completely different standard to adultery? That makes no sense.

I appreciate the post from Longhorn, Melody and eagle. Longhorn, thanks for the caring way that you post. I am going to hang in there. Melody thanks for roughing me up a bit but being straightfoward and eagle thanks for sharing your story.

I guess there is nothing left to do but do it. I am now trying to find an alternative method to locate OW's H. Right now only have email address and I am concerned about interception so I'm at work trying to find other info. Wish me well. Thanks again.

Our thoughts are with you, RC. Be strong.

THanks Longhorn. Ok, after some digging I've gotten a number. I feel panicky, though. Maybe I should just think about it a little more. I'm going to read Plan A again. I'll post back soon. Thanks for a the encouragement.

Post deleted by reallyconcerned

I'll give you two quotes to help you on your way.

#1
-You


#2
-Mr. Miagi

Make that call.

RC, there is really no perfect way to deliver this news. I think you already know that you need to be as sensitive as possible. Offer to team up with him to help kill this affair and you might tell him about MB. Be brave and strong, RC, you will do just fine! And remember, you are in the right and are doing the best thing for both your marriages.

RC, what Melody said is your best advice. Just take a deep breath and start the dialogue with OWH. You'll find he's a human being, just like you.

Before I leap into this, how can I know that the A is over and to move on w/ NC letter? How do I proceed from here on. Should I let WS know afterwards that I have told OW's H?

RC, your H will probably find out fairly quickly that you have exposed the affair to the OWH. When he confronts you, you tell him that yes, you did warn the OWH and tell your reasons.

He will be furious at first, but don't let it upset you and don't let him bait you into a fight. Just say "I am sorry you are so upset, dear, but I did what is best for our marriage. " Say this over and over again and do not fight with him.

RC, you will be fine. Please make that call and come back here so we can support and prepare you. Make the call, RC.

Well I have wimped out. Haven't exposed the A to OW's H as of yet. I've been trying to get up the nerve. I'm just seeing the horror of how this could turn out in my mind's eye. Anyhow, I plan to move on it. Just not sure when. It would good if I could know that this gentleman wants to be an ally and not a whistle blower. Well I think I will have to do this at some point. Also, I would like to know better about how my H would react and how he would feel.

RC, hopefully the OWH will be a whistleblower, that will surely end the affair. And hopefully, he will also be an ally, but there are no guarantees. Even if he's not, it will be worth your while because it will decrease the likelihood of a resumption.

You can expect your H to react with FURY and RAGE for interfering with his affair. He will feel angry. Just imagine how a crack head feels when you remove their crack pipe. By informing the OWH, you pretty much cut off that avenue and any potential for resumption of an affair.

However, the WS gets over his anger pretty quick. Your marriage can survive some temporary anger, it can't survive the affair.

But once that avenue is cut off, your H will really start to withdraw from the OW and your marriage will have a chance at recovery.

Melody thanks for your reply. I'm a little slow to reveal because I'm just wondering how (OW's H) will react. He is in a foreign country and may feel with him being away that it is hopeless then seek to tell superiors. While whistle blowing is great to some what if the repercussions are so that WS is demoted and our livelihood is sverely damaged, his career and our finances?

Furthermore, I've been looking into WS's cell records and other things and it seems that the A is off. What if this is misinterpreted by him as my just acting like "A woman scorned" being that he has said it is off? He may decide he doesn't want to reconcile and then try to act even more inconsiderate of me by low-rating my name before others (friends), and family which aren't aware of the financial problem I've caused and just make a big stink about it?

It is difficult to weigh the importance of my conerns and if I would really be helping by revealing this situation.

It just seems to me that he needs to know more that I am changing and that I am committed to our M. Espcially being that I didn't act this way at one time. Also, I have asked him to write NC letter, only because it seems that it really may be off. Now, I'm waiting for a reply.

Question:

Since this is NOT your husband's first marital infidelity ....

[color:"blue"]why~ aren't you showing anger toward your husband? [/color]

... are you afraid of him hurting you?