RC, I realize you are scared and are grasping at justifications but the fact still remains that the OWH has to be told. Who will warn him that he needs to protect himself frm your H and his W? You have an obligation to warn this man that isn't going to go away.

If you need a purely selfish reason to warn someone they are being harmed behind their back, then take this one: the chances of the affair resuming are much greater if the OWH doesn't know because it makes it much easier for her to pursue your H. And vice versa.

This man should have the same opportunity to repair his marriage that you have been given and withholding this pertinent information from him is nothing short of cruel. The man needs to be told, RC. Just pick up the phone and tell him the truth. He has a RIGHT to know.

This is close to my heart. I have had good advice about this for about three weeks now and have been scared, like you, of telling the OMW about my WW and OM affair since I "thought" I had noticed some "cooling" of the affair since I spoke directly to OM and basically threatened him with mucho exposure in his community, work, family, wife, etc. However, my wife has at best been luke warm to talking about our marriage, still has a secret cell phone, and will not quit the job she works at even though the A partner works there and she doesn't have to work at all. I have been scared to death of what it would mean. Will the OMW care as much as I do about saving their marriage, will she dump him and have him run to my wife, will this push the two of them closer together, my wife will go balistic, may get fired, et al. I have been a nervous wreck wresting with this. The good people on here have told me "expose", "expose", etc. Even Steve in our last discussion earlier this week said that he agreed that it was probably time to expose to OMW and if that didn't work to drop the bomb at work since the EA/PA took place at work and on work time. I have the letter drafter and ready just haven't sent for "fear". Well, if it is any more encouragement to you I am through being fearful, thinking logically (an A is not logical when you already had a pretty good marriage), going with my instincts, and so on. From this point forward I intend to listen to good advice, act and let the chips fall where they may. I ask everyone's prayers this weekend as I intend to expose to OMW today or tomorrow. If I can do this you can too. Let's step up and do what we need to do show the nasty, ugly A the light of day. Are you with me?

Post deleted by reallyconcerned

RC...

taking this approach COULD doom your own marriage. You're getting good, sound advice from people who KNOW how to deal with these situations, who have taken every single step you have, taken every single step you're taking including the hesitant ones regarding exposure....the fear you have is real.

Take it from someone who knows, this doesn't just "go away"...look at the problems in your marriage and face them head on...the financial issue?? Who cares, there's a big elephant over in the corner of the room called your husbands affair.....

Last Update. Have decided not to reveal the A to OW's H at this time. To be totally honest the consequences of this action would possibly yield results I'm not ready for, especially being that I think the A is over. Exposing the A is suppose to be about trying to end it.

However I have been talking with WS about the A as well as the financial situation that our M is in. I'm sure many people here do not agree with me. However, it seems that WS is out of the A at the current time. I could be wrong but it appears that he hasn't attempted at restarting contact. At a few post back I was going to ask WS to send NC letter. I did in an email but WS haddn't gotten it. Over the weekend WS was contemplating leaving because of additional issues having to do with a financial problem. I think that I'm in the wrong place on MB. It seems that most people are working toward revealing the A in their M. In my case I'm dealing with the A that he was in the the financial situation I've caused. To me, there needs to be negotitations between us so I think I will go to the Negotaing In M area. I appreciate all of the replies. Thank you.

rc, you are in the right forum. The purpose of exposing to the OP's spouse is threefold: a. to end the affair, b. to ensure a resumption does not take place and c. so the OP's spouse can protect himself frm your H and his W. The OP's spouse has a RIGHT and a NEED to know that he is being harmed behind his back so he can protect himself and his children.

Just because the affair has been - temporarily - ended does not mean you still not have an obligation to warn the OWH. The reasons for that still remain.

And even though you might be having financial problems, this is the perfec forum for you because your main problem is your H's affair. You are just beginning recovery. So there is not need to go.

But rest assured you are making a huge mistake by refusing to do the decent thing and warn this man. It jeopardizes you, your H, and the OWH and his children. There is NO benefit to helping the OW hide her secret. It only makes it easier for them to resume their affair.

MelodayLane, I agree that the OW's H needs to know. I have talked to my WS and gotten some more information that I think would be beneficial for OW's H to know. However you can never predict another person's response. If he heeds and takes this info to help him, that would be great. However if he goes on the defense then I don't think it would be good for any involved. By the way, the 1st OW's H, that I revealed A to became upset immediately and decided that the M couldn't be fixed. That was a year ago. I spoke to him a month ago and he told me they were dv. Though I understand why Dr Harley says to reveal to break up the A, while it is still going on, I don't think that it helps to bring it up when WS has ended it.

RC, that was the first OWH's choice. He deserved the chance to make that choice, don't you think? And don't you think OWH #2 has the right to decide for himself also?

OF COURSE the person will be upset, what in the world would you expect? You were upset, weren't you? That is no excuse to neglect to warn someone they are being harmed just because you don't feel like watching his heartbreak. How cruel is that, rc?

Again, the OP's spouse needs to be informed so he can protect himself from your HUSBAND. That is the least you can do for the man. Remember, he is the victim here, not the other way around.

If you need a selfish reason to warn a person he is being harmed behind his back, just know that the chances of resumption greatly decrease when BOTH spouses know. Your H won't be as free to pursue the OW and vice versa.

But the fact remains that this man has to be warned so he can protect himself and his children. It is a simple act of common DECENCY. To not do it is nothing short of cruelty.

Common sense dictates that, OF COURSE, the man will be upset. Any person with an heart and an IQ over 39 would be upset. But that is no excuse to not warn him.

Would you not warn you neighbor their daughter was being molested because he might be "upset?" That just makes no sense. You help someone because it is the right thing to do regardless of how upset they are going to be.

If it bothers you that much to see someone "upset" then email me at my link below, give me the facts and I will call the man myself.

I don't understand why this would justify not telling this latest OWH? Shouldn't a man have a RIGHT to divorce his W if she is adulterous? Its not like he is his wife's PET or anything. What if this OWH would choose to divorce? Shouldn't he HAVE THAT RIGHT as a free human being? Wouldn't it be CRUEL to force a person to stay in a marriage based on a LIE?

This man has a RIGHT to know what is going on in his own life so he can make informed decisions. You were afforded the same right, why in the world would you deny him the same?

I am just not understanding your excuses, rc. They make no sense whatsoever.

I have been puzzled about how things should go from this point on. Brief review. Exposed A. Confronted Ws about it. WS, wasn't forthcoming, but finally confessed. Went on to tell OW about my knowing. However I've not known if the A was gong to continue or not.

Now from this point on. WS and have have just gone on. HOwever he hasn't been very apologetic and forthcoming with me. He has allowed to to meddle into personal things and opened up certain things to me but we've just gone on with things as usual. He acts somewhat affectionate but basically we've gone back to life as usual.

I've expressed frustration with WS because I felt he didn't show enough remorse that I felt he should've to really be trying to work at our M. I've since read Dr Harley's Coping with Infidelity: How A should End.

From reading it I understand better about the addictions of an A. I'm not sure but I think I understand better why the A happened a 2nd time. I think it is very likely that WS will have an A again. It is evident to me that WS may not be acting more remorseful because he isn't. There is a need I realize that I'm not meeting with him. At this point I'm not sure I can. I also find it hard to care about his needs in light of what he has done to me twice now.

I do realize that WS has to realize that he has to allow me to meet his ENs. That this is something that may very likely rear it's ugly head again if he dosn't. I think he sees it as somethihng he did purely because I hadn't done what I was suppose to rather than seeing his ow personal responsibility in this. Also, I realize the great nedd for me to better take resonsibility for him and myself and straightening out the other problems that exist in our M..

This is my question. Dr Harley talked about how A should end. If the A with WS and OW didn't end as it should've should one try to take measures to do the things that perhaps should've been done before? Or should you just try to go on from this point. How can you tell if WS is willing ot have needs met? Also if anyone has had a problem with a repeat offender is recovery truly possible? And shouldn't you be seeing the symptoms of withdrawal in when the A is over?

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After reading Dr Harley's Coping with I: How A should end, I realize that WS didn't end A as he should've with OW. My concern is with that being the case we are likely to run into this problem again. HOw can I help prevent this. Is it even possible. The steps I should take next are what concern me. WS works with OW and has been away from work for while. I don't know if he has experienced w/d. But I do believe the A is over. I don't know but am concerned that things are likely to respark once he returns to work and sees OW.

Before I was afraid to approach WS's superiors. However I am wondering if perhaps I should ask that he be moved away from OW. If so, is this something that would be best to
talk over with him. Also, I'm wondering if anyone has dealt with a repeat WS and problems that are encountered with trying to work toward recovery. If anyone can shed light on this, it would be greatly appreciated. Thanks

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Bump again

RC, all of the advice you've been given in this thread still applies. I don't speak for anyone else, but as for me, I just don't have anything better to tell you than what I already have. Sorry. You have my best wishes.

I'm wanting to know if there may be anyone here who hadn't ended A as Dr Harley describes. If so, how did you work toward recovery? My WS ended A a month ago. He isn't willing to do a NC letter. But is somewhat transparent. He seems to think that because A is over all is well. Also he isn't telling me how he feels about OW. And though he went through what seemed a brief lull, I don't know if that was w/d. If he hasn't experienced W/d seems we'll be facing this problem again. Also, If he doesn't allow me to meet ENs.

Ws works with OW and he will be returning to being around her soon. I'm concerned about this but am not sur what to do about it.

Other concerns: When I bring up OW he acts as if it was a litte thing that happened with A. He acts as if we are over it and doesn't understand that he could likely repeat A. He also doen't understand that I'm constantly thinking about it and thinking that he must Get it! not to repeat (A).

It is like we are picking up where we left off (Life as usual). For me, this isn't good enough. In my opinion, we need to make drastic changes. Am I worrying too much? Also, I feel that I am feeding off him. Like, if he behaves in a manner that seems positive, I'm positive. I want to act more independent of him (free of Love Busting that is).

So I guess I'm trying to get a feel of how things should be happening at this time if we are working toward recovery. I don't think he even thinks there needs to be a recovery.

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Hi RC. I haven't posted to you before. And I haven't been able to read much of your history. But I hope you find this useful. Long ago my WS said she had ended the A, but she really hadn't. At that time she also refused to write a NC letter, and was less than remorseful. More like angry with me for taking away her new 'friend'.

My WS knew I was informed, so she got a secret cell phone. There were many calls I was not aware of, but she was careless and I was able to see that contact was continuing. Ultimately I exposed, and that seems to have stoped the A. Good luck.

thank you for your reply weenee. I have been concerned about ws doing somehting like what your ws did also. he has tried to use onlinephone services. i'm wondering did your ws ever write nc letter? also, did your ws go through w/d?