Post deleted by LLG

You're welcome...there was no hanging in there involved. Sheer choice. Sometimes, I make the right ones.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I think you're going to amaze yourself at all that you can do and have done and didn't realize. You have as much to offer as anyone on the planet. You are capable, respectful and mighty, LLG. Just 'cuz you didn't know it doesn't make it not true.

Thanks for having me along on your journey,

LA

Post deleted by LLG

I would advise you not to ditch this MC on one session. You write down the small things that bothered you, take them with you to your next session and ask her about them. Use "I feel" and "I believe" statements to describe your reactions. Listen to her replies.

I doubt your objectivity. I hear you siding with my WH.
I fear you will not support my desire to save my marriage.
I believe you hold me responsible for my WH not being here.
I heard you tell me that I was highly intelligent and should let my intellect guide me on believing that WH & OW didn't have sex...I felt judged, not advised. Then I judged you back, because it seemed highly opinionated of you to say that.

I'm leaving this one out:
"You know, I'll point this out. This really bothered me?
I explained to her the financial situation that I caused. So as not to take responsibility off of problems that I contributed to in our M. Before I could get the entire story out, she said, "And this man trusted you to have access to his personal affairs again?"

Are you shocked I'm leaving this one out? Heck, if I can't surprise you anymore, what good am I?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You heard this as an attack on you...a siding with WH against you. A judgment.

What if...

You heard it as evidence of love? Your WH choosing to trust you, believe in you and forgive you? What if this was what she was saying in that statement, but you heard it the other way, chose to believe it the other way, because you have not chosen to...

trust you,
believe in you,
forgive you?

Therapy relies on you...sharing your reactions and choice of actions with the counselor, as they come. There's no test you have to pass...if you are thinking that telling your counselor, someone you're paying to listen to you, will make you look bad to them, then you're not holding up your end of the bargain struck to help yourself.

You're not alone, LLG...I had to learn this...and confronting my MC on my own reactions, how I heard, what I heard and then being open to what he meant (and he copped to what he'd said or done, too), has made all the difference.

I've actually said to him, "I don't want to see you anymore. I came here because I want to be a good girl and not do any more harm. I don't like it when you reinforce that good girl problem." Hey, telling an authority figure (to me) something like that was unprecedented. Helped me get to another level...one only I could get to.

Lemme ask you, LLG, (please)...if your expectations of your H in your marriage have been in the control freakness department really high, unreasonable because you needed them to be, why do you think your expectations of MC, your kids, friends, relatives, world events, aren't in the same range? You're consciously working on getting them off your own back, breaking your control fantasy (which is constructed from fear and expectations). You're doing this. Recognize that what you're working permeates your whole life, not just WH. You aren't one way with him, another way with yourself, and another way with others. You're you. Your beliefs include everyone.

About you as shopoholic...from experience, let me tell you how to break that addiction for good...along with batting down your own expectations, you will have to really do the resentment timeline and see your choices for what they really were...in order to break entitlement.

Addictions are entitlement...our Giver gets us into them (they are our Takers) by choosing to sacrifice and resent. We do it enough in our life, becomes a routine, a habit, sneaky and constant, like a craving from our souls...it isn't. Get really honest with yourself...I ran up our debt because I believed I was entitled to--if WH could break my heart, then I could heal it with revenge and indulgence.

You have to get to the bottom of your permissions to do this...no different than your WH's choice of an A...can you see the similarities? Addictions are parallel. Our path to them, through them and recovering from them are very similar. Why do you think the 12-step program works on all the different kinds? It is why I advise Al-Anon for you (heavily) and do for others with control issues, because 12-steps work if you work them.

How cool of you to have gone to MC by yourself!!!! You're my heroine! Don't forget you did that. Another step of solid proof you are working, caring for yourself and your marriage. Way to go, LLG. You're putting your actions where your words are.

Thank you for sharing your experience. God's bringing you to people, and bringing people to you...keep that in mind. You might be able to figure out the why's and what for's just yet, but know you're on his path and he's there for you.

Control Freaks have huge filters...we hear attacks, judgments, manipulations and mostly, that we're wrong. Our filters are made up of our beliefs...changing those beliefs help us to hear others truth without all the garbage. First, we have to really know that is their truth, not ours.

You automatically took MC's statements as the truth, not hers. Do you see that? Natural with authority figures. Stare at your mental image of her and see her as human. Totally human. No magic, no robes, nothing but one human's best effort. Now, hear again her statements...knowing they are hers, not yours, her opinions. Hold your filter at bay. Listen and repeat (great to do in therapy as well as in your family). Do the feel the same?

More of your power...the choice to hear, to know another as no threat because their words are theirs...offered to you...your choice. See how your power continues to be more than you thought? Choice of actions. Choice of influence. Choice all over the darn place. Much more power than us control freaks ever thought of having. Huge.

You are seperate and equal to your counselor. You're half of an important equation.

LA

Okay, this is just plain weird...I posted this at 11:19am and it shows up that there was a post at 5:02pm, but there isn't one here. What's up with that? Still my morning post?

Hmmm.

LA

Post deleted by LLG

((((LLG))))

You yanked a post out from under us because it was too negative. How judgment deprives us all.

::::

In this situation...where's your power?

LA

Post deleted by LLG

Your power lies in your choices...you're right, only in controlling you.

Choice you could have made: "I hear that you say I can go with you but that you don't want me to go with you. My choice is to go, with or without you. This event is significant to me and I would prefer you by my side to face it, but I can face it alone, also."

Then there is no sitters to get or cancel...no depending on his choices for your own. LLG...facing your fears and not acting from them.

Choice.

Because you made this his choice...his permission or acquiescence, then reasonably, you're going to feel negative, angry, resentful of him. You made it his. It was yours all along.

No bashing...learning. God may have been showing you this for a reason. You won't know what the other path was because you didn't take it.

He wants you to know your choice...and that you choose to throw it away tonight. Not life-threatening, marriage ending. Learning.

And I can be your date instead.

So there.

LA

Now, why do I feel stood up?

LOL

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

LA

Post deleted by LLG

Post deleted by LLG

Post deleted by LLG

This is why you are brilliant and unique:
"LA, do you feel that you better relate to Moses and the Children of Israel when dealing with me?"

You crack me up. No, I don't feel that way at all. But I laugh and smile with your thoughts. That you have them, share them, are openly intimate, is something I revere.

I see you as human. My judgment of you, well, isn't there. You're going to see it, though, and I know that I'm not doing it. You have it. You've got one steel-tough filter. I'm here to help you see your own filter, up to you to change it.

I don't get exasperated, frustrated or fed up with you when you slip; nor do I take personal pleasure when you shine (and you do)...YOU'RE doing those things. I'm not. My influence is only what you allow it to be. I cherish you allowing me in your life at all. I rejoice in your human efforts and commiserate when you fall short of your expectations. I'm not judging you. I'm with you. Soon, you'll be able to tell the difference.

You fear believing something that isn't true. That's human. We want desperately to have THE truth to see and share, not our truth. Even as it is our reality, our power, it is also our prison away from others. Knowing your truth is your truth is critical. You're getting there. It is like free fall...crashing in a plane...our biggest fear that we're alone is true. You have to get to it, know it, understand its design, before you can make the next step that we're never alone, all one...and yes, your brain can feel like a flipping pancake. You're human.

I like being able to tease you...haven't used the tongue sticking out icon before. I like giving myself that freedom with you. You won't choose to see this trading of ourselves as truly a two-way street until you get that you're as important and equal to me as you really are. No better, worse, smarter, wise or vulnerable. Equal to the bone, LLG.

We don't do that which has no payoff in it for us. What I write to you, I write to myself. I need you as much as you choose to believe you need me.

What we're working on is your awareness...just as you have said over and over again...you will be more aware. What I believe you thought before we started all this, was that you had to act...get it and choose to act differently, to act "right"...when really, becoming aware has to come first.

That is knowing yourself...staying present and aware of you...without judgment.

Pity parties where you leave poor old women hanging, well, okay. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I guess. I was up late last night because my 20-year-old son decided to come over at 11pm and move furniture out (stuff we were giving away) for his friends. I used what I have been teaching you to see my choice when he called...I was tired, didn't want to deal with it, and let him own that he only had the truck until 9am, had made five other stops (he's a sweet con man), and left us for last; made the choice to allow him to come over.

Along with five friends.

Who didn't leave until well past midnight.

LOL

Know why it turned out well? First, I committed to owning my choice of permission...so, no resentment. Next, I watched his interactions with his friends, all bone weary from moving for 12 hours, (they had combined different moves into one effort); and I met a girl named "Serene" who looked anything but. Heehee. I got to see how their emotions were magnified by their exhaustion...watch my son kick in his mental reserves in moving when others couldn't move themselves anymore. His anger, the way he creates resentment...and then watch him sit and drink tea, trembling from pain, because his father walked away from him when he was speaking to him.

Could have been high drama, but I got to look at all of it as their own stuff. Six journeys merging briefly into one, for awhile.

Well worth my price of admission.

My sons have helped me break out of my prison of judgment and stereotypes. I see them as beings, not males, with all the same emotions and their ways of expressing and suppressing them. This son, my middle one, now works where I do...but out in the shop. He kisses me in the morning, in front of coworkers, saying, "Morning, Mommy" and hugs me in the afternoon on his way out the door. For me, just to die for happiness. All three of my sons are like this...heedless of what others think of their affection for their mother. We hold hands, rub heads and laugh.

Joy where you find it, LLG. Gratitude in each moment. If they were to stop, I would not choose to see it as rejection. I have treasured it while it is...everyone changes and I don't make anyone change.

Thanks for being with me on my journey, LLG, too. Mutual respect here. Know that you are doing what you're doing by choice...including accepting my influence. Know that you've chosen to accept and reject others' influence; from fear. I would hope if fear roils up in you in relation to me, that you'll hold it, know it, and share with me, anyway.

As I believe you've done.

LA

Post deleted by LLG

Hiya, LLG,

I'm on page 33 of the book. I think you chose really well yesterday and feel the fruit of those choices today.

As for how far you've already come since we began, very far! I knew you could...when I put the choice in your hands. You chose. And you have every step of the way.

Small degrees are how you build that replacement belief within yourself. No other way that I know of.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Same way with seeing your equality. When you think of others who are better than you, in your comparison frame of mind, notice that it feels acceptable, because it is like admiring. A known routine. It is catching yourself when you see people you believe are less than you to catch yourself and know they are equal...build it. That's uncomfortable...can't look down...which is why we feed our inferiority complex...have to always look up or else we'll fall, right?

Humility isn't anything we've truly understood. Knowing the completeness of being equal brings true humility. Just won't feel like it for awhile. Takes time, awareness and dedication.

You have all three of those ingredients, don't you?

One tiny point to highlight..."No, I'm happy that I chose to allow things to go this way." Changing our thoughts take retraining...no bashing here. Look at that sentence and rewrite it to yourself. That's part of empowerment, to begin to rephrase our thoughts to align with our new truth.

You go girl!!

LA

Post deleted by LLG

Hey, I'm also reading Plain Truth by Jodi Picoult, so don't feel left behind. I read on breaks and lunch at work. It isn't a race. What do you think so far? Even in the first pages?

Thank you for being there for me to commit to getting it...I rarely buy books. Funny thing is, I realized that once a year now, for the last three years, I've gone to buy books and spent the same amount...$80...each time. Interesting.

When I was where you are, I couldn't read at all...well, maybe about where you are now, I could...began eating up the self-help books that I recommend to you now. Took a few months to be able to read fiction again. I've been a fiction junkie...three to four novels a week...for some time. That was really stunning to me, not to be able to focus enough to understand a sentence, let alone two.

Gave me a good insight into my H and my youngest's minds when they try to read and can't. They can quote when they hear a book on cd...just not when they read it themselves.

All to the good...out of everything comes insight, if you will not judge it bad or wrong, or right, huh?

LA

Post deleted by LLG

Again, you said it just right for me, LLG...

"However I admit sometimes like a little kid I wonder, "Am I there yet?" There, at that point of growth where I feel capable and trusting of myself, I guess that is what I'm thinking."

You have a great way with self disclosure. This is exactly what I struggled with and believe many people do. Being fixer/abusers, the faster we get something fixed, the better we feel. Why not ourselves? Well, we're not broken, so a quick fix is out of the question. We are now creating a mosaic within ourselves, with incredibly tiny pieces, the length of a football field. Look at it artistically, not strategically, if that helps.

I'm so glad you did the yucky thing and reported your thoughts on someone else. Thank you! Control freaks can't stand for their image to look anything but their idea of perfect...owning how our minds really work, that we got solace from these very thoughts, well, that's real progress. And stating it here? Big kudos. You'll feel that rush of relief each time you mind yourself, listening to your thoughts with two ears...an old one and a new one...and introducing to your mind the equality FREES you from judgment. See how our emotions give us information from our beliefs?

Great job, LLG. Seriously.

When you get the time to read "Healing the Shame that Binds Us" by Bradshaw, you'll better understand about the good and bad, etc. You're getting the gist of it now, with the equality. Maybe that lesson, about good and bad traits, needs to wait a bit. Trust God to hand you the time when you have made your intention to get it known to him and yourself. You may hear, in a month, a friend or stranger mention the book...or another one. A little nudge when you need it. You'll know. I had heard/read about "Dance of Anger" three times before I gave into God and got it...right when I needed it, could process it and celebrate it.

"If I said this to myself I would say, "I choose to be happy., I choose to work with H. I choose not to DJ, but be safe, and even pleasant around H."

Okay...uhm...no. I know you are choosing those things. My question was to this part... "allow things to go this way."

What do you allow? What things? When you say this to yourself, there is the control freak still believing her power lies where it does not. Things go. They do. You choose your action, but things go. No allowance for or about.

Just a tiny nudge...we have these phrasings in us, small, innocuous (otherwise they wouldn't persist) that give us a shred of comfort in familiarity. I'm attempting to highlight them when they appear for awareness. Not condemnation.

LA