Thanks for your prayer, LA and just being here to listen (read) and add warm, wise words of advice.

Thanks for believing in me...something I'm learning about now.

I will be careful to suggest only once though I know it will take great effort not to bombard her with suggestions and advice...I will keep them at bay. I know I can do it.

:LA wrote:
"I believe the more you affirm her choices, listen and repeat, tell her you KNOW she's whole, complete...capable...and do not agree with her choices, but state you know they are her choices...and only she chooses...then this time might be different from the other times"

I am content to just affirm her choices, and really practice listening and repeating. I believe she is more capable than she thngks she is. I admit, however, that I've slighted her in my own mind because of the choices she's made. I realize more than ever the harm it does if only in my head and in my thoughts about her.

ALso, I fear my sibs won't do the same and I feel the need to protect her. I fear they will talk to her in insulting ways. But I guess I can also suggest to them that this isn't the best way and do so only once if it comes up.

LA wrote:
"Everyone has their journey, intent and choice...I know you know this...in this most reactive circumstance, I pray you'll stay knowing it...listening, too, to your inside."

Oh Gosh, it is my deep heart's desire to learn to stay focused and stay aware of my own principles and not feel the need to react. I've desired it for some time. Often times, in my interactions with other people (sibs especially) I would let go of what I felt was the principles that I lived by.

My emotions would take over in a heated discussion and I went out of knowing. So my prayer is also that I stay in knowing. Choosing not to try to control. Respecting others as they share their thoughts and knowing my limits and not crossing anyone else's personal boundaries with insults or angry words (DJ's, I mean) and so on.

Indeed we all do have our own journeys.

Oh and about the label...yes, I was wondering if there was some label for what I was trying to describe of my extended family. Sort of how you mentioned the passive-aggressive way of acting/reacting. I've been doing some looking online about dysfuntional families and I'm running into varying types of focus on the issue. Some articles and books are centered on estrangement, some on domestic abuse and codependency and so on.

I'll keep searching.

Oh yes, and thanks for the correct word that I misused in my prev post, fritz not blitz, lol.

Well I'm actually heading out in the am and won't be on MB until the weekend. Have a great weekend.

LLG

Well, I got in town good. Took some time to see my mom and run an errand or two for her. She seems to be doing good. I'm glad to see it. We haven't had the meeting (w/ sibs). I expect we will before I leave.

Something has stuck with me that you posted about choosing to believe that my H loves me. What do I base that decision on?

I can accept and deal with him caring for me and me caring for him. I sometimes say I love him and it feels insincere. I am much more comfortable accepting that we care about each other, just as you care about another human being.

One thing that concerns me is how our R started. Unlike how most people, who start theirs by falling in love ours was started with Infidelity. Based in lies it didn't have the proper foundation and it was just kind of thrown together. I've felt embarrassed to share my history, but wanted to for the sake of the question I've been thinking on.

I became expectant after months of our being toegther. He said he loved me and wanted to be with me. I didn't want to be with him. We had a lot of differences. We were due to be married. And I broke it off.

Some time went by and we got back together. But it wasn't with our really getting to know each other and trying to see if our R was worth restarting. Unbenounced to me he was in an A.

Naively so, I thought he had the same feelings and attraction to me as he previously had. Not really taking it seriously that his behavior toward me had drastically changed. During this time I felt like a real loser in my life. I had goals that I was failing to achieve. So I felt washed up at the old age of 31.

Feeling lonely and just unworthy I took up with him. He was spending time with me (when he wasn't with her (OW). So it seemed conveninent. How selfish of me considering I wasn't in love with him.

Furthermore, I had this concern about dating another man, getting married and having kids with different last names.
I mean I wasn't raised that way. Didin't want my kids raised that way.

My lack of maturity wouldn't allow me to simply accept the terms of my life as they were and move on. So I put the pressure on. My H wanted me and him to live together w/ our son. Wasn't raised that way either. So being the control freak I was you may have an idea of what my reply was.

Anywho, when his talking to his friend who was supposedly abused my her H became totally uncomfortable to me I began to tell him to stop talking to her not realizing it was an A and knowing virutally nothing about it to recognize the symptoms (addictiveness of them and so on).

Later, he claimed he was trying to be more committed to me and drop her (sometime later). This combined with my misguided vision of living happily ever after, with an unfaithful guy, whom I could have kids from with the same last name was now with more understanding what seemed a good, was absurd to even involve myself with in.

In spite, of the rather disresepctful things my H did to me, I was onward in my thoughts about making this R work. And despite that I didn't love him because we never got to "fall in love".

So we got M and just picked up after that. I kept trying to tell him I needed more. I felt like crap for even being in this situation. I know a lot of what I needed was from the inside, but a lot of what I needed from him I wasn't getting. I wanted assurances that he wanted to be with me. That he was sorry about what he did. How the heck could I want this from someone who was confused himself?

He failed at coming anywhere near to reassuring me. He was uninterested, boring, sometimes preoccupied and argumentative. Except for being in my face about SF. I came to know later on during this time he was probably in w/d (OW had left the area).

He feels he has been sorely deprived of his need being met for SF but I have been starved to the point of relational malnutrition of the emotional support I needed to reassure
me that he was sorry and wanted to make things right.

To further complicate matters I became preggo again. He was like not even there to support me and love me during this time. I felt he acted like a user only wanted SF but was like a roomate trying to get something they he didn't deserve and furthermore demanded. It was like I was celebrating the love of this child alone. and giving myself emotional supprt, he was to me non-existent.

I realize how I sold myself down the river, so to speak. I can admit that he probably feels the same way. But I find it difficult to get over the choices he made in his dealings with me. I guess it goes back to accepting that this is what people do in infidelity.

Back to the question. I accept that we care about each other, but I can't just choose to believe he loves me and choose to love him. We can grow to it. Furthermore, I can accept that even though it isn't love yet and there is no foundation for it, I can take the care I feel and build on that by my choice.

So I'm wonderng if I'm missing choosing to believe he loves me. I guess I'm wondering can't I get to love even if I feel he doesn't love me but just cares about me? I mean care is better than nothing. It isn't a bad place to start.

What do you think?

Hi, LLG...I'm glad you're safe...was running those couple of errands your acts of love through service?

"Something has stuck with me that you posted about choosing to believe that my H loves me. What do I base that decision on?"

What do you base believing your mother loves you on?

I need some clarity to how you began your relationship with your H...first, you were together, then broke up. Then got back together, while he was seeing a married woman, is that correct?

And you see where you made your choices and why...okay, I'm with you so far.

"Furthermore, I had this concern about dating another man, getting married and having kids with different last names.
I mean I wasn't raised that way. Didn't want my kids raised that way."

I'm lost on this one too...until your marriage to your H, were you married before? Had kids? Are you saying you had your son with your H before you were married?

I'm not judging anything...I'm just confused. You may have shared all of this awhile ago with me, and I'm not recalling it clearly.

When did you find out about his A? Before you married him or right after?

"So I'm wonderng if I'm missing choosing to believe he loves me. I guess I'm wondering can't I get to love even if I feel he doesn't love me but just cares about me? I mean care is better than nothing. It isn't a bad place to start."

How do you miss choosing to believe he loves you? If you do not feel loved, is that his doing or your own perception? What's your half of that feeling? Is it full of if-only's then I'd feel loved...then that could be a sign of you blocking your own choice.

If you do not feel loved by him, by his choice to be present in your life, not have left and divorced you; to be a father and provider...are you blocking your own ability to feel loved, just as you now know humans can block their feelings of love?

Are you saying you believe that neither of you ever really fell in love with each other and that your goal is to be open to really falling in love, for the first time, with your partner?

LA

Thanks for looking out, La....yes I made it in safe. And yes, I would say running the errands was an act of love. I like to let her know I care.

I base believing my mom loves me by her taking care of me as best she could. I choose to believe it



Yes, we got back together while he was in an A with a married woman.



Yes, I see where I made my choices and why.

I had this like rule about when I began having children. I didn't want to have a child with one man, dv, then get married and have a child from another man. I had concerns about possible difficulty if having a step family, the many things that come about with mixed familes. I wanted to have children from one man in one marriage. All children with the same last name, same mommy and daddy. Just had some rigid views at that time. I've only been married once to my current H. And we had our first child before we were married.

I found out about my H's A shortly before we got married. I was very concerned about contact he was haivng with this OP. He kept saying it was nothing and nothing was going on.
I found evidence that he was lying about a month before we got M. I confronted him and told him I wanted him out of my life.

He claimed things were over with OW and asked me to come live with him again. I verified that things were over by exposure to her H and found out that it was suppose to have been over. No contact. SHe left the area. I told him we'd have to get married before I would live with him. I actually talked to him about the POJA. But it was uselsess. He agreed to conseling and POJA but didn't stick to his promises. This was the worse thing I could've done and so here we are.


Yes, I believe neither of us are in love. To me, it isn't just choosing to believe that causes me to love. I relate better to how Dr Harley talks about deposits being made into the love bank and then love results.

Our R started with withdrawals from my love bank. I felt like crap for even being in it. Perhaps I am victimizing myself but it doesn't change the fact thet my feelings were very hurt and I felt very foolish for the decision I made and even so my H's lack of empathy and just plain
selfishness. He never made up for what he did.

It is difficult for me to deal with the past and them choose to love him or believe he loves me. If we could build on this R I could feel much better. But he is all abotu hvaing his needs met regardless. I have a problem with that. One that I'm trying to reconcile with.

Hi ya, LA. How's it going? I hope you great weekend. I returned to my home today. My FOO and I had a meeting concerning my mother. We only discussed the financial aspects, which turned out very well. I was impressed myself how well.

My mother's well being on a mental level concerns me. We talked briefly with her about her plan with the doctor and what is happening with her next.

I am concerned however about her mental health. Seems that her BF is all she is concerned about...all she talked about the every time I met with her. She sees him as the problem and doesn't understand really where her happiness lies. She told me that she hoped to be better for him now. I'm just trusting the Lord with her at this point.

About choosing to believe my H loves me. LA, this one has just stuck with me. I've been puzzled about it and refusing at times to even consider it. Yet, it made sense to me that I could choose to believe he loves me.

When I began to reason the irrationalty of my holding on to demands about love and being "In love" and the things that my H had done it seemed more understandable.

So, I've been getting at the heart of my thinking. I realized I was choosing not to believe that my H loved me. I debated with myself, disputing my thinking about why I really didn't want to see my H as loving me. I think I wanted to hold onto the notion that he couldn't possibly love me and do what he did. As I began to clear some of the musty, should be this way, thinking out of the way I could see choosing to believe that my H loved me. So as you already posted, I was blocking my own choices.

I think I'm beginning to see more light and I appreciate every morsel of knowledge nd wisdom that you give to help me.

LLG,

Thank you for the update and your answering posts...this is the time when you know more than you allow...remember that when you get that dog-chasing-his-tail feeling. You know more than you are allowing yourelf right then.

That's okay.

You dealt with a very stressful time this past week...and the question you got to the bottom of...how could your H love you and do what he did...

Is that the same question you asked yourself of your mother, years and years ago?

And I believe your concern for your mother's mental health level has been all your life...

You get to keep your own light...and you have it...it's yours...give thanks to yourself, for being who you are, and remember this journey is yours...you have your part...your limit...your power...you have parallels running in your life...maybe one insight in one will aid you in seeing the other differently...or the same...

I think you open yourself when you trust someone...know their intent is not to harm, though yes, they may harm...choose to give yourself that same trust...knowing your part is trustworthy...not responsible for the whole...for the everything...you can rely on yourself more, LLG.

You have your own wisdom...how you see yourself will affect how you see everyone else...and you're worth praying for, not just by me...but by you...God knows...and he shares what he knows.

LA

LA, Hi. I was happy to see your post. I felt very reassured by it and more confident in myself. Finally, I feel like I'm trying to live in my authentic self, rather than myself full of inner fights and outer fights and deceptions and just confusion.

I wanted to give you an update and ask some questions.

I posted to you earlier about the credit cards and our debt sitch. My H has one of them and I cut up the rest. I am doing my REBT so that I can deal with resentment and entitlement issues, as well those urges to just go spend.

Gosh, it is great that I'm focusing on this issue. I realize now with my making daily efforts not to overspend that overspending really had its hook in me. Of course, fed by my thoughts and decisons.

The good part is the excitement I have about finding ways to save a buck or two rather than go eat an ice cream sundae when I'm annoyed or go buy a host of books I don't need.

To help with the shakiness I'm going to an online Smart Recovery (AA) meeting this week. Hadn't been in a while and I liked the meetings. They were very helpful. Also preparing to restart MC/IC again. I have a few things to do to get restarted. I decided not to return to the past MC I had.

A quesiton, LA.

I've decided to take on Oprah's Debt Diet. Have you heard about it? Just to fill you in if you haven't it is a stey by step course of action developed by credit analysts
to reduce debt.

It is very easy and to me fool proof. Back to the question. Well I saw a guest on her show who is taking the Debt Diet who told her story. She and her H decided not to spend money on anything except the necessities for a year.

They saved thousands of dollars and paid off their debt. They did no movies, dinner dates, traveling, nothing. Nothing, except her H, whom she said was Italian and had to have wine, made his own.

When I heard this I thought about it and felt it was liveable. My H has shared in times past however his concern about not having cash around to use as he would like. It was bad at one time where he w/d $$ from the bank at pay time to just hold in his pocket that would of course end up being spent on anything. He has stopped doing this a while a go.

I understand his concern though. I think, he doesn't like to feel broke. Maybe it is something from his upbringing. I still think he would have a problem with this.

And I can understand that it would probably seem very restrictive. Yet, I think it would be great. So, I plan to mention it to him and only once. If I do and he declines to do it with me would it be acting independently if I do it on my own therefore LBING in your opinion? And next question, if he wants to continue spending and say he wants to go to dinner and say I decline but ask or suggest that we do something less expensive would this be a LB? Could it be considered contorlling?

What do you think?

bump

LA, ok looks like I lost some major points today. My H had a person's number on a piece of paper in his wallet. It had no name on it. Well, I called directory assistance and found it was a female's that he works with. He says that someone from his job gave him the number and said he needed to call her to fix her PC.

This is how he got into his first A. He went to a fellow soldier's house to fix his PC and got with his wife afterwards.

Anywho, I asked him why did he have this person's number in his wallet. Ok, though I was calm my tone of asking was probably aggressive. Anyhow, so I said, I don't want you going to this person's house to fix her anything. This person is a superior however. Anyway, he said ok.

However then he went on to say, "It was no big deal. You are making more out of it." Ok, error number two, I went on and said, "This is how you got with the other female, going to her house to fix her PC.". He got angry and said "I want to leave. I want to go ahead and end this." I said ok, we can talk to the legal assist about it but no matter what trust is an issue between us and I won't trust you until I know I can." I thought about it.

I mean I have began reading books on dv myself. However I don't want to end it just yet. I'm still trying to make some positive impressions. However it is difficult. And I feel I lost out today. So I'm just wondering. It seems like we are inching closer to seperating. What is there to do?

I care about him and believe I love him LA, but I will not be avaibale sexually and though I am happy to be in other ways but not really without trust. This is how those R start with him. He says, "Oh it wasn't even that way, I was doing this not that. This was my friend."

It is like he is totally unconscious of his decisions and choices and how they may effect us. I mean have I not been talking to him already about this exact same thing? Is there a comprehension deficiency or is he simply intent to do what he intends to do no matter what I say?

Maybe the tensions and bad behvaior, memories is just too heavy between us.

Hiya, La. Today is really another bad day for me. I'm bumping this post. There is a post above.

I'm here, LLG...thank you for bumping...lost power at work, so it's been a mess (I'm the IT person, as well as other stuff)...

I didn't have anything to add to your previous post about the debt diet plan...sounds marvelous...what you do for you is great...what you decide for you and your H isn't...and you know that...I wasn't ignoring--just couldn't think of anything to add. You know all this stuff, LLG. You really do.

And I'm so very sorry about your H betraying your trust again...and yes, that's what it is, no matter what he says...your truth remains that his choice was hurtful. Period.

Losing points? I highly recommend losing points-based system of evaluation...remember me? I was the one saying don't measure others? Even yourself, for now?

His response may not be what you wanted...however, neither was his choice to take the number and promise...he has a severe knight syndrome only he can address...

As for your response to his...why did you repeat yourself? He said, "You're making more out of it."

Your response:
"That's a DJ...stop it. I am hurt, angry, and very fearful of you and your choices. I don't trust you. Part is because the choices you make, like promising to go alone to a female's house and fix her pc...well those choices harm our marriage. I know you know that."

I read, early on, that asking "why" is abusive...probably an overstatement...I needed that overstatement to get through to my head...due to my intense controlling, fearing and manipulative nature...that asking why of someone is THEIR business...to share or not. My job wasn't to assume, evaluate, judge or assess...my job is to know what is stated, clarify, repeat...and state my own.

No educating, scolding, reminding--all these can feel like condemnation and may very well be...not respectful of another adult human being.

What to do as this dance you both do unravels your marriage more?

"It is like he is totally unconscious of his decisions and choices and how they may effect us."

Get rid of the DJs that plague your existence...inside and out...and do so out of respect for yourself and your H.

You have to choose to believe he is conscious and KNOWS...he's an adult...he KNOWS. Get that into your belief system for real...stop excusing another person for not knowing...treat him as an adult, not a child.

"I mean have I not been talking to him already about this exact same thing?"

and

"Is there a comprehension deficiency or is he simply intent to do what he intends to do no matter what I say?"

Wouldn't you have these same feelings and statements as if you're talking about one of your kids? You're in actuality talking about your partner, an adult human being.

"Maybe the tensions and bad behvaior, memories is just too heavy between us." What you choose to believe will be just that for you...your reality, LLG.

Now...I am not saying you are being bad or wrong by mothering your grown H...I am saying this is where a lot of your painful feelings and reactions are coming from...your choice to think these thoughts, have this perspective, and choose this perception. Yours.

Your power.

Your limit.

You know this...and I want you to really comprehend and embrace what IS NOT yours, so you can experience the freedom, and the true responsibility of what really is yours...and live from love...whether you divorce or not. Seriously. You will take this with you...he is not making you react--you are choosing to...and I know, I believe with all my heart, you do not want to react, you really do want to act.

As his partner...what I said would be valid. No mothering...respectful. Not reactive.

Tell me your feelings right now...list them, all that you can name...and then do your best to describe those you have no names for...and after you list them, look behind them...each one...and tell me what they are linked to...images, thoughts, beliefs...whatever you can.

LA

My turn to bump

::starting up the disco music::

o/~ do do do do dododo Dude Hustle! o/~

Okay...a little aside here...those are music notes (in case no one remembers what emoticons were before emoticons)...

and I realized I wanted to type "dewt dewt dewt dewtdododewt dewt"

Where's dewt? Where's soulloss? I miss them.

(See what you miss, LLG, when you have weekend commitments?)

Thank you for letting me play on your thread (while you were away) and being embarrassed in advance.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

heehee

LA

I like the disco music...nice.



Yes, I know that I can't decide anything for my H. I was concerned however that if I decline to go out to dinner if he asks or do other things when I would much rather save the money, then he might feel I'm trying to control. Like this weekend we're going out after we hadn't been for some time. I don't trust many people to care for my kids so we rarely go out. But this weekend we are. I feel it might help to do something with just grown folks this weekend.


So how come he is a knight for everyone else and only a toad to me? Maybe I'm the mean ole witch or something rather than the damsel in distress. Lord, who knows these things.

Why does it seem like he hates me? The hurt I feel is just so big sometimes. Like I feel now. Why would he want to hurt me?


Yes, the DJs plague me. Though I am doing better it is difficult to get rid of them...especially when I'm angry.


When I feel hurt I talk in a demeaning way. I feel belittled by his actions and so I feel the need to do the same thing in my tone and I feel fear that my feelings are not being respected. Which they obviously aren't.


I'm working on understanding this one bettr. I think I want to think on it some more.


What parts aren't mine. I really don't know. Maybe feeling the shame and hurt for his choices. I don't know. Maybe not taking on feeling like a loser because my H continues to disrespect me. I don't quite understand this part.

I think I'm having problems with enmeshments.

Ok what I feel:

anger, not rage, thank goodness.
frustration
shame
fear
confusion
sadness

LA, I think I'm having a moment of clarity here.

I had gotten away from this. When you posted about my not taking on what is his, do you mean my not taking on mindreading what I think he thinks about me and enmeshing what I think his thoguths concerning me should be?

LLG,

About going out...in moderation...choosing your priorities...just grown up evening...not extreme spending...comfortable, reasonable togetherness for your marriage? I believe, wise investment. Irrational acquisition to sate a torn soul? Uhm, no.

This "date" is a real means to intimacy...emotional intimacy. The other is a false self-soothing device which leaves you emptier than when you started.

Choosing wisely, with purpose, makes the difference. Awareness. You can rely on yours.

"So how come he is a knight for everyone else and only a toad to me?"

Hold it there, Missy.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I was exactly like your FWH...I was. I rescued everyone (very disrespectful, remember that) except my DH. I treated my kids and DH to a different standard...my inner cirlce, who got beat like I beat myself...and everyone outside the circle got saved.

Had nothing to do with who my DH or children were at all. It was about me.

Why make this about you?

"Maybe I'm the mean ole witch or something rather than the damsel in distress. Lord, who knows these things."

I do. Listen up. NOT ABOUT YOU. Not about other damsel's...at all.

"Why does it seem like he hates me?"

Hmmm...inner circle...hates himself...treats you like he treats himself on the inside...was for me. You won't know until you are safe enough, so safe he could bare his soul...and when he CHOOSES to do share himself...

"The hurt I feel is just so big sometimes. Like I feel now. Why would he want to hurt me?" You are choosing to see him as hurting you, right now, ongoing, constant. And you do not know that he is trying to hurt you...you DO know what he does hurts. State that. Own it. "I hurt. I feel worthless. I don't understand why you don't want to save me. I guess I'm learning to save myself."

Biting back, when you're angry, bites YOU twice. I've said all I can in my effort to protect you from you...I don't know what else to say. You know this road...long before your H, you walked it..and you keep walking it, LLG. Find that payoff...find it deeply inside you...maybe all the payoffs in seeing your pain coming in from the outside, all the time.

When you feel belittled, clarify..."Are you saying I am not understanding what you're saying, or that I'm incapable of understanding what you're saying?"

Clarify it to yourself...we hear a whole lot, in tone, mindreading, body language, that is not being said...we're reacting to what isn't truth...hear his truth. Clarity as your goal, not resolution right now.

Your feelings are yours...know they are valid whether he appears to respect them or not. Know they are. They are yours. Then know where they are coming from. Share what they are and where you've traced them back to...what belief. Share yourself, LLG. As is. Just as you are. Do not explain, educate, confront FWH with what is yours...SHARE.

You are angry because you feel the man you expect to respect your feelings doesn't? What part do you have control of?

You feel frustration because your relationship was broken twice by this man and...you didn't expect him to do this twice?

Tell me where the frustration is coming from--and the anger.

You feel shame for what? Shame is not living up to your own expectations...it has no acceptance in it...that would be from you for you. Root that one out.

You feel confused...because others seem to know and you don't? You keep getting it, losing it, getting it...and you're confused because things aren't smooth, controlled, as you want them? Tell me about confusion.

Sadness...awww...a HEALTHY emotion...embrace it, LLG. You are grieving a lot of things inside you...find all of them. Grieving disappointment from your expectations, dreams, hopes...what isn't right now...maybe even grieving what you are believing cannot be...know what you're grieving and know that they are yours...okay, good...how we heal.

Be aware...not perfect. Be conscious, not contriving (I really reached for the alliterative value there)...be present. Be.

Sharing you is priceless. The rest can wait. Listen and repeat to know...and share to be known.

Give yourself permission to leave your resentment at home when you go on your date. Reach into yourself and see him as new and you, too...for two hours...with determination...and share yourself. Respect yourself. Love yourself. You're worth this effort...why I'm here, giving you mine.

You are.

LA

La, OML. I'm aout to lose it. I just wrote you like 4 times and the post wouldn't submit. Good grief.

Oh, man...

Tell me what the message said...was it that one that says "Form no longer valid"?

If you're using quick reply, before you hit continue, Copy your post...just highlight and control-C...and if you get that message (typing long posts...who, me?...I get this a lot), then hit "Back" and then refresh the page, paste your post and hit continue. Works well for me. Only once in a great while does it come back and eat my post.

You're grieving your post...heck, I'm grieving your post. Copy it no matter what, 'k?

LA

YEs, it is the "Form no longer valid" message.
Lol, you gave me some humor about the grieving my post. I was about to lose it. Now I'm laughing instead.

Hey, THERE'S NO LAUGHING IN GRIEVING!!!

(Picture Tom Hanks in League of their Own)

LOL

Heck yeah!

You did that...I didn't...you let the humor come in...because your frustration was valid. To you and to me.

Been there...felt that...guess what I did earlier? I LAUNCHED into this fervent post to OnlyHuman and right in the middle of it, accidentally hit the ctrl something something and logged myself off my computer.

No biggie, I thought. Done it before...it'll come up and I'll log in and everything will be there...

NO!!

Oh, my.

So I considered...was God telling me something?

LOL

Seriously. When I used to lose a lot posts on here, before they changed whatever they changed, I chalked it up to not what I needed to say...even the long ones I wanted to cry over!

Helped with my grieving.

Honestly.

How's that for sharing? I'm really blonde, but I get that I'm blonde.

LA

Thanks for the suggestions about posting so that maybe I can prevent my post from being lost.

Ok, LA. I'm going to give it another whirl. Here we go.

Today I got up with some determination and happiness in my heart to really try again. Before I was rather ambivalent about my H and our M, as you already know. Today I can actually see myself focusing on wanting to change my behavior, but first my thoughts. And I have began to a degree but the difference is that I'm wanting to whole heartedly. Before I was only half heartedly. And I'm wanting to put my best foot forward fo rme regardless of what happens. Before that was unimaginable for me.

You know how you ask me what is the payoff for certain behavors. I realized that I was lingering in ambivalence because I felt hopeless to affect any type of change in my H. And I felt that I would also continue to endure heartache at his hand. I guess we both feared continuing pain.

Are you wondering what has brought on this new determination? Well, I've been inspired by your post that have helped me tremendously. Finally it became more interesting to me to want to help myself heal and to want to be a positive force between us.

But back to your posts. They've helped me to clarify my fears, resentment and get to what feels real, authentic in my mind and feelings. They've inspired courage in me to continue trying even when I felt afraid. Well let me go on before I sound like I'm giving an award's speech. I just want to say you've helped me so much, LA.

The other thing that has inspired me is my H and a talk we had last night. It wasn't perfect. He was upset about our earlier conversation which I listened to and repeated as best I could.

I started off, apologizing that I was so angry with him and that I spoke to him in panic. As a result I talked in a controlling manner that wasn't respectful and I was sorry. I explained that I've learned to do this as a means of handling a tough sitch and I'm trying to learn new ways of talking and discussing and I apologized again. I may have apologized about 5 times. I felt really bad about that part.

So I asked him if he would explain what happened with this person. He explained to me that the chick was leaving to go to her next post, duty station. He said her laptop wasn't working and she ws trying to fix it before she left last week. So he had her bring it to the job and he fixed it.

Ok, I was again concerned because when he would've gone to her house I was out of town. So I feel it was defintiely inappropiate. Anyhow I asked him if he thought this might upset me if he had done it (gone to her ouse). He said he didn't think it was a big deal.

I took him at his word though that sounded like malarky to me. Rather than mindread, I said, "yes it really would've hurt my feelings and hurt the trust factor even more." I asked him from this point forward if he would agree to talk with me before agreeing to go to any female's house to fix a PC and better yet to not go at all.

He frowned up about it but said he would not agree to make any house calls to fix PCs without talking and agreeng with me first.

Before he agreed he told me he had a problem with it. He feels so restricted and he wonders when will this end. He said he has gotten to the point where he only goes to work and comes home because he doens't want to upset me. I asked him what would he like to do. I asked him who he'd like to do things with.

He didn't reply. This sort of gave me some info. i felt that it inspied me that perhaps I can encourage him to want to do more with me by making myself more attractive. By introducing intersting things that we can do and share together. But ultimately it has to be his choice. I was interested however in making some changes. Well back to the dialog.

So I replied, I hear to you that this seems restrictive. I hear that you are wanting it to end. I hear that to you it wasn't a big deal. That you felt attacked. I explained that I didn't want the terms I was asking for to be a hardship and that I know it is difficult right now. I said also that I know my atitude makes it more diffcult and I promise to work on it.

I went on to explain that I am still at an early stage of trying to heal and things that to him seem like no big deal may be very painful for me.

He said he doesn't mind me asking questons but doesn't like the attacking and this is how he felt when I talked to him. We agredd that he will answer questions that I have about anyting that seems of concern to me and I agree to approach him without DJs or LBs. SO we made concessions but he is frowny today. Wasn't talking to me for a while the first part ofthe day. but is coming around a little.

In personal response to our conversation I decided to take on doing some of the exercises in a book I've read before but refused to do the work called, "How one of you can bring the two of you together" By Susan Page. Have you heard of it? it has great tips on learning to solve some marital problems that don't require your partner on your on and has great tips about restoring good will in your M.

I really want to change my thoughts and my attitude, LA and for me this time. And for my H and for my kids and for our family. I realize there are no guarantees and I should expect nothing. But because I understand much differently now, that part isn't as important as it was before, though I believe that there will be changes in him too. I wanted to talk about the REBT work I did with the feelings part of your post but we are due to leave in a little bit. I hope to post more later.

Oh and can I call you sensei sometimes? You are indeed my sensei. Or would that be to Karate Kidish? lol. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />