I have been looking at these forums for awhile, but this is my first time posting. My situation was a difficult one, but it happened. My wife and I have been married for 8-years, we met each other in college and dated for 5 years before we got married. As soon as we got married she moved to Tennessee with me and we stayed in an apartment and eventually we built our first home from the ground up, while we were in our first home we had our first child, and we had plenty of support from my side of the family. (My mother was the youngest of 14, so I have a “tribe” of aunts, uncles and cousins. My father was the middle of 4, so I have a very big and supportive family).

Then life started happening, I was laid off from my first job because of a merger, I received a 6-month severance package, and luckily found another job two weeks later. 3- years later life happened again, I was laid off from my second job due to another merger and received a severance package. This time however it took me about 6 months to find a job. During this 6-months, I took over the home care of my son so that my wife did not have to do everything (she had a professional job too). I soon found a job in another state and had to move there to start making money for my family (funds were running low, and I could not find any positions – paying what I NEEDED to make to keep us going – in Tennessee.

I moved to Ohio, and had to work there for 7 months, while my wife and son were in Tennessee. To make it easier on her, I asked for her to stay with my father and his wife, so that she could have a support group, also so we could set up the house for sale. She did this and it made it easier for her because my son’s day care was less than two miles away, and where she worked was less than 5 miles away. They cooked for her and my son almost every day, and I flew back/drove back to Tennessee at least 3 times per month to visit them.

Finally, we sold our home and I moved everyone to Ohio. Since she was having trouble on her job in Tennessee (jealous employees out to get her), she was happy with the move. We did not like the weather or the city, but met some of our best friends in Ohio, in fact we went on a 7-day cruise with them and said that we had the best times of our lives in 2003.

Then life happened again. I ran into a bad manager that forced me out of the company (long story short). And I search again for 5 months for another job, while taking care of the household duties and my son, while my wife worked. She hated the city and wanted to get out and move somewhere else. So she wanted for me to look for a position in a warmer climate. So I received a job offer in Indiana, and took it.

Then life happened again. 2 years later, the small company that I was working for started having financial trouble and yes --- they had to lay people off, in which I was one of. So I received a generous severance package and starting looking for a position in Indiana, because we had just built our second home, and my wife liked it there. I could not find anything paying what I needed to make so we could survive, so I had to take a job in Ohio (2-hours away). I found the cheapest apartment I could find, and I literally slept on the floor, with no TV, no cable, no internet access, no furniture, nothing. Because this was going to be temporary until I could find a job back in Indiana.
I have been driving back to Indiana, every weekend, and sometimes during the week. So I could spend time with my wife and son.

Back in November, I found out that my wife had been having an EA with a coworker from overseas (Italy), and that she was going to meet him when the Italian folks came to Indiana for work purposes. Although the EA did not last but a few emails, it broke my heart, and I was crushed, I told her that she at least owes me an explanation, and she nonchalantly stated that she didn’t owe me anything! I tried to sign us up for marriage counseling but she did not agree to go. (She has been reading romance novels back-to-back since the beginning of the year, she spends every waking moment reading them, I believe that this is what lead to the Italian EA.)

Then it happened, on December 8, I received divorce papers at work, they were sitting in my chair when I came back from a meeting. I didn’t know anything about them, or that they were coming. My life has been crushed.

I am a very warm hearted and giving person, and I have done everything in my power for my wife. I started reading marriage builders and these forums back in June ‘05, to understand what I was doing that my wife would start to emotionally withdraw from me. I’m a big guy 6’4” 270, but I am in shape and only have a few pounds to lose (I’m heavily muscled – but trying to lose it). I’m not abusive (verbally or physically), I don’t drink or do drugs. I have tried everything in my power to eliminate LB’s and meet her needs.

The only problem is that she is a very bad communicator (she has stated this herself) and she is not happy with herself, and she has never really had her own identity. She was adopted, and never new her biological mother or father. She is a gorgeous and shapely woman, but she has never had confidence in herself and tends to try to escape life through movies, books, and fantasy. Add that to the fact that her friends (work friends) are all single, one is an atheist, the other Jehovah’s witness, and the third is 36, drives a 94 corvette and lives with her parents.

I have been blaming myself because of the moves we had to make (2 moves) and because of my job situations, but that could not be helped, and I tried to make the best decision that I could, by taking the Ohio job and making my living situation temporary, while searching for a position back in Indiana. I don’t know what else I could have done. I’ve done the best that I can to care for my family……..but I feel like I have failed, and now I’m paying the price for my failure. I truly feel like God has forgotten about me, and loves me no more.

I’ve tried everything, how can she just walk away from me, when I have tried my hardest to make a good life and be there for her and my son?

You are working very hard to provide financial support. This is admirable. Yet you are not actually living with your wife all the time. You may be trying to fill her Financial Support Emotional Need, but to fill her love bank she seems to need something else. Maybe the reading of the romantic novels was her trying to fill that need herself.

"Add that to the fact that her friends (work friends) are all single, one is an atheist, the other Jehovah’s witness, and the third is 36, drives a 94 corvette and lives with her parents."

Well, one of those friends clearly has 2 go. I hear that '68 was a better year for Corvettes!

Seriously, there is nothing unusual about the si2ation you've found yourself in. You aren't the first 2 become a BS by working hard for your family. You won't be the last.

I think it's highly likely that there's a lot more than a few emails involved in this A with the Italian (or someone else you may not be aware of).

Recognize that you can't do anything 2 change her or educate her. She has 2 want 2 do those things for herself. You should read up on plan A, and call one of the Harleys for coaching. They're not cheap, but they are efficient, and probably a lot less expensive, particularly in the long run, than divorce.

If you don't want a DV, try 2 stall it. Find out what your legal requirements are before you just refuse 2 sign though, for example. Consider hiring a lawyer 2 protect yourself, 2.

Hang in there, this is just the beginning. But there is help out there.

-ol' 2long

This is the saddest thing I have ever read.

It will probably take a long time to recover from your loss.

You are not a failure, you have not failed, and God loves you. Your marriage may have ended, but that doesn't mean you have failed. Just read your own words and try to tell me you've failed, I would be bewildered.

A man doing his best to take care of his family is one of the most beautiful and wonderful things in this world.

I wouldn't even worry about Marriage Builders if I were you. The reason she can walk away from you after all you've done is because she is not okay. I can't know the details of course, but if any woman I know read this it would tear her heart out.

MBers are all about this "you have to fullfill this need" "and this need" "and this need". But I know something, a woman that can see that you're loving her with everything you have, no matter how you're loving her, will feel loved.

I'm really upset about your situation. What are you going to do now?

Thanks for all of your replies. I really appreciate your input and comments. As of now, I am actively searching for a job back in Indiana (as I have been all along), so that I can be with my son. He's only 6 and he is a very social and warm little boy, and when I'm there we spend every waking moment with each other (I love him to no end!!!). So my main priority is to make sure that his environment (both physical and emotional) is stable and supportive.

My family has been very supportive of me. I get at least 5 calls a day from my dad, brother, cousins, and aunts, who have talked to me and helped me through the hard times of going through this and being alone in Ohio. To keep my sanity about the whole situation I have been working out at the gym in the mornings and afternoons (I have good genetics, so the results have been uplifting to me). I have also been working on a business plan for an idea that I have had since taking the job in Ohio. I have also been reading my Bible more (which has helped for me to put all of this into perspective).

The problem that I have is that, I feel like I have been completely taken for granted. She was actually with me when I got the apartment in Ohio, and she cried because it was such a cheap apartment, but I told her then that it was temporary until I can get back to Indiana. Now, after I have exposed her EA to her, she stated that I was trying to be a "martyr" and rack up "IOUs" by sleeping on the floor and not trying to incur additional expenses in Ohio.

To make things easier for her, I came home on Friday's and cleaned the bathrooms, and vacuumed the house (she doesn't vacuum or clean but every few months.) I also helped her shop for groceries for the week, and she complained so much about taking care of our son and fixing meals that I even bought a crock pot with a two week supply of those "one step crock pot dinners".

She is overseas now on business, and has been for two weeks now. I took vacation to take care of my son for one week, and my father has driven up from Tennessee to say in our home in Indiana to take care of him for two more weeks. I don't know where I would be if it wasn't for my family stepping in to help me emotionally, financially, and physically.

I believe that my main fault is that I gave everything I could to her and to care for her. I base my role as a husband on Ephesians 5:25 (NIV) "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her".

I know that the enemy (Satan) is plotting, I just have to be strong and focus on making sure that my son doesn't get devoured by this whole mess, because that is what is really at stake at this point.

I've emotionally withdrawn from my wife because of how she has treated me (EA, saying mean things to me, and surprise divorce papers at work), I don't argue with her....man I can't even look at her anymore, she may be beautiful, but she has become a nasty person to someone that would have given his life for her.

Limestone,

I am so sorry you are here. I don't know why your wife would do this. From what you have told us, you sound like a perfect husband and father. You certainly seemed to go above and beyond for your family that you love. I am really sorry about the divorce papers being delivered without you knowing. That is one of the cruelest things someone can do to you.

Unfortunately, your wife is almost certainly having a physical affair. She wouldn't leave you so suddenly if she wasn't. They all try to make it out to be our fault on their way out the door. Don't believe a word of it. It sounds like she has some emotional issues of her own that are probably playing a hand in her choices.

If you want to try and save your family, you will certainly find support and a plan here. Read up all you can and protect yourself from a worse case scenario. Good luck to you and your son.

Although, I'm far from perfect, I do try hard to take care of my family and make sure that they are more than comfortable and have everything they need.

I've built this woman two brand new homes from the ground up (no realtor). I have negotiated two brand new cars for her. On her current vehicle, I knocked $5,000 off of the price of the vehicle and I negotiated 5 years of free oil changes on a brand new Jeep Libery.

I've taken her on two 7-day cruises, the most recent with with our (at the time) best friends (a married couple) from Ohio in 2003. She stated at that time that it was the best vacation of her life. All of this and she JUST turned 34 years old this past November.

I'm too the point now that if she wanted to work on the marriage, I wouldn't want to. She has added no value to my life after I have stepped back and looked at all I have done. If I wanted to be intimate, the onus was always on me - it was never reciprocal. If I wanted conversation it was like pulling teeth to get her to listen to how my day went - all the while I would listen to her talk about her day all way long. I cooked and cleaned for myself, and had to emotionally keep her up because she is such a pessimistic person. I view her as a leach that takes advantage of people (I use to think of her as a nice person, but maybe it was all a front?).

My family states that she will be running back to me once she realizes what she has given up, however, as of now I really don't even care.

I don't even care if she is having a physical affair, they can have her (we have not been intimate in a year anyway).....because in the end, she will treat them bad also, and I have finally realized that I'm not the evil person that she made me out to be.

Limestone,

Welcome to MB. Make sure you read and learn as much as you can

Basic Concept
General Welcome for All New Builders
Acronyms, Smilies, UBB Codes

Don't rush ... you are in anger stage.

-rh-

Calcium Carbonate (see? I'm a geologist, and I know what limestone is made of! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />):

A couple of things you should do:

*Post your story on General Questions II. They get a LOT more traffic there, and you'll get more replies. You're not divorced yet, and hopefully you can still save your family (if you should decide you want 2 that is). There are a lot of great people on here that read mostly on GQII, that would be glad 2 help you out.

*Click on the links that my friend redhat posted above. This website is FULL of terrific resources.

*Consider calling one of the Harleys for coaching, okay?

-ol' 2long

Thanks, I have posted it on General Questions II. I really appreciate your comments, reading these forums have helped out tremendously. It's just baffling that there are so many BS out there.

For each BS there is a WS <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> . It is just we are the ones come here to seek help.

-rh-

get on with the divorce!!!! get a stable female model for your son!! =D

I think that may be the best route for me and my son. She is going through something that I can't help her with (the establishment of her own identity). Hopefully she will find it and happiness one day.

If I were you I would be thanking whatever deity decided to intervene in your life. This woman is not good enough for you. I warn you now, she will try to get back in very soon. She will start missing the family she never had and the husband she does not deserve. I suggest you get the financial situation taken care but most importantly you need to minimize contact. Tell her when you are in Indiana she is not in the house and vice versa, the less you see of her the better. Its your time to heal. Get the house sold and move to a decent place in-between your job and your soon to be ex. Why live in a poop box when medussa lives in a mansion?

Thanks Whatever123 and Shadpoo,

My family and friends have stated the same things that you have, and I this point I have been treated so badly that I just want to move on and let her find herself. My family and friends have also stated that "she will be running back to you", and "she will be trying to get back with you". My question is, how is this? She is the one that cheated on me, and is the one that issued the divorce (a surprise divorce no less). Why would she be wanting to come back? When this is obviously what she wants?

She will claim that she was depressed and that was what was making her act that way. She will probably promise to commit to some sort of program or to being the best person blah blah blah. She might even mean it but the fact of the matter is that she has some severe issues and you have a child to think of and I am not talking about the adult child you married. BTW, this will probably happen the minute she sees you with another female or when you tell her that the house has to go. No more big house and no more unsupervised dipping into your paycheck. If she ends up being some other mans problem then that is even better. A guy like you won't have to stay single long, in fact it will probably be easier for you to have a successful relationship then someone with her issues. Just remember sometimes you have to have something really bad happen in order for something extraordinary to happen. I bet you will meet someone that treats you better then you ever imagined and gives as much to the relationship as you do. When that happens you can look at your ex and feel pity for her rather then hurt. Trust me that day will come.

I suggest you think of trying to get custody of your child. A person like that can do a great deal of harm to a young psyche. That way you can move from Indiana back to Ohio. Why should you be separated from your child when you have always put your family first?

Limestone,
Your story is my story. The only difference is that I have 3 kids, haven't been layed off, and my STBX had a PA followed by at least 1 EA. We are in the middle of a D. Things were going as well as can be expected until this week. I got a letter from her attorney saying that she has retained a licenced mental health professional to determine the amount of parental decision making and parenting time I will get even though we agreed several months ago that we would share the kids equally. I feel that she is using them to get me. Although I haven't been nice to her for what she is putting us through, there has been no physical abuse, alcohol, or anything else to cause her to want the kids more than our agreement. She does travel frequently for work, so I see her using me as a built in babysitter while paying for her way of life. I can't believe that she would believe that the kids would be better off spending more time with her than myself. I am domestically skilled and have always provided for the family.

Anyway, keep your chin up and don't listen to any of her lies. You are not the bad guy. Maybe the saying, good guys finish last, is true. I am living proof. So get a good attorney and don't let her get to you.

Sharky

Sharky,
I hate to see that you are going through the same thing that I am. I just don't understand (and probably will never understand) why someone that I cared for so much over the years would treat me with less concern than a roach.

I believe that my STBXW is trying to use me as a built in babysitter and pay for her way of life also. Because I am working out of OHIO I'm paying $215 PER WEEK in child support, but yet she rarely has food for my boy or buys him new clothes. Although her waredrobe has $750 in new underwear, shoes, skirts, and other items.

Good guys finish last does feel like it rings true to me too, and I'm pissed off that I just don't have the makings to be the bad guy (because my son needs to see the best out of me).

Hey Guys,

Good guys might feel like they are finishing last, but in the long run, they come out on top.

Your stories sound like my first marriage. My first wife told me much of the same junk you are receiving. All the while she was lying, cheating, spending our money, etc. She left, I filed for divorce, I had the children (one of which was her love child), and I was free after 19 years.

A few years later, when I started to get serious with my present wife, guess who wanted to return to me? My guess was that she was between boyfirends, and I told her noway.

Fast forward 25 years. She has been married 4 or 5 times since, and is now living alone and lonely. (Our oldest daughter sometimes tells me what's going on.) I am happily with my present wife for 22 years and married for 20 years.

Chin up guys, it will happen for you also. You will finish first! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

My brother's ex-wife hired one of those pysche counselers. He said fine but that she had to be evaluated too. The counseler was turfed ASAP. Now she won't stick to the parenting agreement and her current lover molested her youngest daughter but she refuses to believe it and has accused my brother of planting the memories in her mind. She is being served with contempt of court papers on Valentines day. B!tch. BTW, if I were you I would have your attorney order an accounting of the money she spends on your son. Mention that the kid has no food or new clothing while she is dressing up like a Victoria's Secret model.

I suggest you sue for custody. The kid would be better off not seeing his mother act like a ho.