Well, I posted regularly a couple months ago when DD occured, and I have pretty much been a lurker for awhile while I read and learn here.

My problem is, WH wrote the NC letter back in Nov, slipped 2 times contacting her/ responding to her contacting him. THen Dec/ Jan went by pretty well, I thought we were on the road to recovery. We started MC in NOV, and were going on dates, talking, learning to meet ENs.

Then, all of a sudden he is on the fence again. Knows he should want to be with me, but can't fight the urge to still want her. Now he has withdrawn and I feel getting depressed, and I honestly don't know what to say or do. It doesn't seem to matter. We don't even fight, it's like he has just withdrawn from me. We stopped MC last week, and I am begining to lose hope.

Any advice what I should do?

Did you expose the affair to her husband and at work? It sounds like maybe there has been more contact than you know about.

Yes, I exposed to the husband and he left her. They have no kids, we have 2 little girls. They work at the same place, but do not work together. WH said he will look for a new job, but nothing serious yet. I know he parks near her, and goes to lunch "looking or longing" for her. He says they haven't spoken, but I just don't know what to believe. He says he is just going through withdraw, but it feels like we are back at the start. I feel like we make 1 satep forward and 10 steps back.

I keep reading everyones stories how they stay strong after months of this, its only been since Nov, but I don't know how long I can take it anymore.

I was planning a weekend cruise for us to get away in March. We have been married 13 years and have not gone away without the kids since our honeymoon. I thought it would be a new start to help us get reconnected, but now that he has regressed I feel like its a bad idea and I don't know what to do.

Personally I would go on the cruise but I just wouldn't set unreasonable expectations for myself. What harm can the cruise do? I am in a very similar situation as you and I am still going on my trip. I am just not expecting a miracle. I'll take anything that WW will give at this point.

Hmmm . . . sosunds like a really solid Plan A is in order. I'm not sure about the cruise; he may not be ready. And I agree with Believer, it sounds like there has been more C. Hang in there - I have been in Plan A since APRIL and things are slowly, slowly improving . . .

I see the cruise as an excellent opportunity to make solid ground on Plan A. I too am planning on going without the kids. I am not viewing my trip as a reward for some behavior - I am viewing it as a chance to score points on Plan A.

NOt to throw any one off track, but reading that statement above just makes me so profoundly sad.

I mean, is it just me?

He needs to change jobs if you want to save the marriage.

lemonman,

So you firmly espouse Plan A as long as you get the results you want? Try to save the marriage as long as the WW is meeting your expectations? THAT is sad! I may be new to all of this. Wish I weren't here at all. But it is a dynamic situation that I have to change and adjust to. What program are you on? (Oh, and was it successful?)

Yes, it's sad, but I totally get it. I don't think it's surprising at this early stage. We've had a bit of back-and-forth and you know how I feel about myself, but the one thing that threw me for a loop was that at first, I was willing to drag myself along the ground for WH to come back. I would have taken any crumbs he threw my way. It was HORRIBLE. I had never, ever, EVER suspected that this person was within me, and that I would react this way. I looked into what Elvis Costello calls the "deep dark truthful mirror" and it prompted such a crisis within me that I can't begin to describe it. The thing that finally snapped me out of it was when my sister drove three hours to see me after one of my freaky "I wish I were dead" comments and gave me a stern talking-to. She said, "River Tam, have you forgotten who you are?" And I realized that yes, yes I had.

It was a desperate time, when I'd been plunged headlong into grief and pain, and I reacted desperately. Eventually I stopped reeling (although not grieving or feeling pain) and self-preservation kicked in.

wow river...some powerful thoughts

T:

I think you greatly misinterpreted my comments and took this way to personal...not the intention. BUt hey, this happens on a message board when you are dealing with a topic as painfully personal as infidelity. You have to remember that people who may say things that you don't necessarily agree with and don't want to hear are NOT your Wayward Spouse. That can be tough to remember sometimes.

I get ya though. Been there, so I know.


Lem

lemonman,

Thanks. You are right.

RiverTam,

I think you misunderstand. I am way past bargaining. I am ready for my WW to walk out the door any time she wishes with no regrets. I updated her passport this week for that very purpose. I have simply committed myself to this MB program and Plan A with no caveats. I do not have one single expectation in my mind from my WW. Any positive sign I get from her is great - but not necessary. That is why I say I will take what I can get. I have no belief that we will recover - but I do have hope. I will do everything in my power to try to achieve it but ultimately the decision is hers.

My feeling is that there are mixed signals on the board about Plan A. When is a WS "ready" to go on a cruise? For me, a cruise is first class Plan A. I am not trying to argue here - I am sincerely confused by that comment in a previous post. Are there boundaries to Plan A and, if so, what are they?

Hey man, you are asking very very good questions here. This is a "tough" topic to fully grasp. It has been my observation that what people do as "Plan A" and what "Plan A" is are almost two different things. I ain't an "expert" by even a long shot on this, but when you are here for 18 months and have 25oo posts even a simpleton like me can learn.

Plan A is NOT being "boundary"-less...that sets the stage for being a doormat.

Let the wise one's help you with this.

Lem

Yeah... I think Lem and I may have read it the same way.

And I agree: a cruise is a first-class Plan A!

lemonman,

Okay. That is a good start. But I don't see myself as a doormat either. If you are familiar with my story you know that I have either thrown my WW out of the house or nearly done on 5 (now) separate occasions. She is the one who comes back or begs to stay. She knows where the line is clearly drawn. I don't expect for my WW to magically fall in love with me again while she is still in love with the OM. Not an issue. She may never love me again. In that case, we go for DV. All options are still on the table. I do want to exhaust all efforts at Plan A before I take that giant step. I have children to think about. But a trip/cruise/vacation is a great opportunity (in my mind) to "do fun things", "spend time together", "communicate", etc. Are those not all principles of Plan A? Where is the conflict? How can a WW "not be ready yet" for something like that? It just seems it is part and parcel of a great Plan A and yet some say don't do it. To me, that is a mixed signal. Somebody please explain to me why the cruise is a bad idea - please.

RiverTam,

I don't mean you because you and I were posting at the same time and I had not seen yours before submitting.

Oh boy, I think you seriously misunderstood. I don't think anyone was saying don't go on a cruise with your wife. Why would you not use every opportunity to be with her and restablish a connection? I am sorry if some of my comments on this thread confused you...I don't think the cruise is a bad idea at all in your case. Knowing your story and what you have been through and the fact that you are trying a "plan a" then a cruise is a great opportunity for you.

Boy, sorry that this was stressing you out so much.

Lem

I am not the original poster. Go back and read stungalong's post. That is the mixed signal I am talking about. Why would stungalong advise not going on the cruise?

That being said, I am in a similar point in terms of deciding on a trip although mine won't be a cruise.

My tenacity on this particular thread is only to ensure that the original poster gets good solid advice from those of you with wisdom and experience. Don't focus on me - focus on the original poster and make sure she gets the counsel she needs. That is what this is about.