While I am new on this name, I and my "husband on paper" used to post here a few years ago. I will try to keep this as brief as I can but it is a messy and long story.

I was married (still am on paper) for 11 years before major issues arose in our marriage which led my husband to tell me to go get what I needed from a former boyfriend that had reconnected with me on Classmates.com. While I knew it was wrong to start the friendship up again and I knew I was setting myself up for a PA I felt at the time that if H didnt care enough about me than why not? Long long story short, I became pregnant 3 months into the affair. H decided then that he needed to change his ways and become the H he should've been and to accept the baby as his. I was too involved with OM at this point but was the classis Wayward going back and forth emotionally between the two men. I ended it with both of them a couple of times a month for the next 3 months before finally telling my H that I would stay with him. Our house sold, we moved into an apartment and his demand was that I don't ever see or talk to OM again. Reasonable I know. I did end up sleeping with the OM one more time and after H suspecting I confirmed at which time he threw me out of the apartment.

I didn't go to the OM as I viewed him as an unstable person. I really wanted to work on my marriage at the time that H had found out. I had become physically ill after having sex the last time with the OM as it wasn't what I really had wanted. (This man can manipulate my emotions and has had this affect on me for 20 years.)

I went to my parent's house where I ended up having the baby. H was in the delivery room under the guise of a reconcilliation but I found out immediately afterwards, when my son was being admitted to NICU, that he only wanted to be there just in case it was his son. OM was in Iraq during this time. The next 6 months were spent with me trying to reconcile, H having his own affair, 2 divorces filed and pulled and us both in counseling. OM returned from Iraq when son was 7 months old and I begged H to make a commitment for our marriage so I could tell OM that we were a united front and that he would have to persue any relationship with our son in court. H refused and I felt that since he didn't want to be Matthew's dad that I needed to let his dad be in his life.

I jumped right back into a PA with OM and felt that I should just try to make my life with him since H had no interest in keeping the marriage. All along I have tried to figure out what was the "right" thing to do by my son. My grandmother died a couple of weeks after OM returned and when I went to H apartment to talk to him, get comfort I suppose, he was too busy with a girlfriend on the phone to even acknowledge me other than opening the door for me. I stayed for about 10 minutes listening to this conversation and then ran, literally, away. I called OM and he drove down from where he lived that night and provided the emotional support I needed. I also ended up pregnant again that weekend.

After finding out I was pregnant I felt like a huge fraud. I told my mentor and also my counselor at church, to which all they could do was offer condolence. I felt something wasn't right early on and the ultrasound confirmed that I was going to miscarry. I did and was alone without support while this was happening. I didn't want OM around for this either. I was relieved but depressed. I guess I should mention that I have been diagnosed with Severe Depression and have a suicide attempt on my record prior to this affair even beginning.

My H decided during the time I was miscarrying, the weekend I was actually, that we should try to make the marriage work. I was so depressed and not feeling like I had anyone in my corner that I told him I would try and moved back into his apartment with Matthew who was 13 months old by now. We lived that way for a couple of months without having any formal recovery plan. The OM was busy with military school and new girlfriends so he didn't make an effort to see Matthew. I know in my heart that when he does want to see Matthew his intentions aren't to see Matthew. This isn't something I feel, I see his actions. Fast forward a couple of more months and I am missing OM and the emotional aspect. I know what my EN's are as well as my H. I try to support his but his idea on EN's are that if what he does give isn't enough than I want too much. Early on we had a couple of sessions with SH who tried to explain to him why that wasn't right.

I guess I am getting longer than I wanted. Will wrap up quicker.

I moved out of apartment and decided to move up to where OM lives. That lasted 6 months and ended when I found out about OM and yet another girl who ended up telling him she was pregnant 3 weeks after I moved out. OM tells me it is my fault she is pregnant because I wouldn't marry him. I never actually divorced my H as the 3rd attempt was thrown out by the judge who said we weren't serious about divorcing and to hire a lawyer when we were.

OM left for Iraq 3 months after I moved out for what was to be an 18 month tour but is already demobilizing as I write this. He should be back in the state within a couple of weeks.

Matthew's birth certificate has my H listed as his father. I have a name change petition completed and signed off by judge showing Matthew having both my last name and OM's name. My H and I have remained in contact with each other and are friends. I don't have sex with him as the past issues just make me emotionally dead when it comes to that part of our relationship. He says that he won't push it and hasn't. We spend a couple of days a week with each other basically acting as a family. Matthew loves him and he Matthew. They are great with each other and if it boiled down to it I could see myself living with H as long as he didn't push for a sexual relationship. I am finally at the point where I am done with OM. Took this new baby to do it but I can say I am out of the fog when it comes to him.

NOW.. my dilema that I would appreciate feedback on.
OM has 3 children from a prior marriage that he doesn't have contact with and until last year didn't pay court ordered child support. No idea how military and jail have let him get over $45000 in arrears but he is. The only time he has given me money for Matthew is when either his dad gave it to me when he was deployed the first time or when I took care of his bills and paid myself. I know that he is a selfish and irresponsible person who could care less about taking care of his kids. My H thinks I should change the birth certificate and file for Child Support because Matthew already knows who his "Daddy" is and OM will be in and out of his life. (Haven't worked out details of that either) I think I should file for CS as well as I know this other person will when this baby is born in a couple of months. I don't want to "screw" my son over but at the same time my thinking is that I am opening up another can of worms with the possibility that down the road custody and visitation. OM has violent tendancies and rage issues which is why his ex has kept the kids away from him for 7 years.

Can I get some opinions on which way I should take this? I need to get something going soon as he will be back in the states within 2 weeks I believe.

Wow, what a mess. You might post on the pregnancy and child board - they are the experts. My advice would be to cut the OM out of your son's life and try to make a go with your husband. However that will never work with no sex.

Get some counseling for yourself. You could have a wonderful marriage and family instead of running with a bum.

I know the traffic on the Pregnancy board is slow and the two people that I used to see as having a similar situation don't seem to post anymore there. Pops/Fullhouse and K.

I do thank you for looking at my post believer. I am in counseling, just spinning wheels on this one. I am looking to get some ideas from people who aren't so connected to the situation.

Mama2,

Just sitting here thinking about this. It is an awful ball of twine isn't it? I think my suggestion would be to seek CS from the bio father, and at the same time use your counseling to sort out your decision making.

I sense from your post that your H loves you at some level, but that you have hurt him very deeply. I have no idea why he told you to seek what you need from old BF, but I would guess he felt he should NOT have to fight for you. Not the smartest decision on his part.

Frankly, I think the focus needs to be on your son, and on getting yourself back on your feet emotionally. The two men in your life cannot be expected to help much for a variety of reasons.

Just some thoughts, no real hard core advice.

God Bless,

JL