My husband seems to be comfortable coming over every other weekend to visit the kids and me. I have decided not to call him in the last few weeks. He has mentioned to me he noticed that I have not phoned him, but I remained silent to his comment because I did not want to LB. He has requested to come by this weekend again to visit. I have been doing Plan A since December now (he left home in Nov., one week after the birth of our second son), but I really have not seen any changes in him. He is still lying about their being OW, but I have no proof. He is staying somewhere no one is aware of and he is not working in the same place so I can't track him down. I cannot follow him when he leaves our home after his visits because I have small children with no one to watch them. I don't know what to do about finding out his whereabouts. I cannot afford a GPS or anything else right now because I am just returning back to work after the delivery of our son. The question I am having is how long do I continue to let him come over and visit like we are just friends or something? Do I continue to ask him what he plans to do about our marriage or not mention it? If he does not want to work on the marriage do I give him an alternate location to visit the kids? I know I am asking alot of questions, but I don't know what to do at this point. All I know is I am tired of this situation and don't want to continue to live this way. If he wants to stay out in the street do I file for a divorce,end the drama, and move on with my life? Don't get me wrong, I do love my husband very much, but it seems to be one sided. It is hard to do a successful Plan A when I only see him every other week and don't hear from him in between times. Need advice!!

Blondie33

Until he makes an effort to change, I would take the steps necessary to move on with my life. Is there an alternate location that he could visit the kids? If so, by all means, make the arrangements for that to be implemented. I think you are giving him his cake & spooning it on the plate for him.....is he helping you financially with the childen? Maybe you should look into getting child support set up. It can be dissolved if you choose to stay together, and if it's not going to work, then that will be one iron out of the fire, so to speak. And what kind of message are you sending to your kids? Doesn't it confuse them to have him come around every once in a while & stay for a weekend or so & then leave? Please don't think that I am knocking you, I am just wondering........

He has not been very helpful financially with the kids and I have already gotten the ball rolling on my child support case. When he comes over on the weekends, he does not stay over night, he only comes over for a couple of hours and then leave. I believe it is confusing to our 2 year old son because he starts saying his daddy is missing after not seeing him for a few days. My other son is only 2 and a half months old. I just want to do what is right for my kids and myself. No one deserves to live thier lives in limbo. WH needs to make a decision and I mean fast!!!

Good for you! It seems to me like you are on the right road! I don't know you from Adam, but I wish that I would've taken the innitiative that you already have. The kids are too young to stay over night (at least according to the great state of TX), why don't you get him to take them somewhere? McDonalds, Chuck E Cheese, or maybe if he stays at your house, you leave to go run errands or something? That way, he can have time with the kiddos, but you don't have to be around him? That way, the 2 year old will have a chance to "get used" to Mommy & Daddy not being together.....is he making any effort at all to fix what's wrong between the 2 of you?

blondie-

Okay, what are you doing in your Plan A?? Just not LBing?? You have to ascertain what his EN's are and try to fill them as best you can.

Would he be opposed to you inviting him over more often???

Have you asked him to fill out the EN questionnaire on this site?? If not, or if you don't think he'll do it, YOU look at the list, and make an educated guess what they are.

Do you look drop dead gorgeous when he comes over??? Do you keep the conversation light and seem really happy when he's there???

My advice is going to be in stark contrast to sickofit's advice, because Plan A is showing your WS that the marriage is an attractive alternative to the Affair.

Have you exposed the affair??? Do you know who she is??? Do you have a name, address, phone number??? Is she married too??? Is he living with her currently???

At this time, he's not going to be able to *fix* what's wrong between the two of you.....he's been abducted by aliens for all intents and purposes.

Have you read Surviving an Affair and His Needs, Her Needs???

Sorry for all the questions.......

God Bless,

-Caren

Everything he is saying is just talk. He said he believes our marriage is worth saving, but I have not seem him since he said it. The talk is cheap for me I am an action person. So what he says really doesn't mean $**T!! if there is not any action behing it. What seem so funny to me is he is now concerned that I have not called him and want to get another phone that I can reach him on at all times (he had a pick up and go cell phone and now says he is getting a contract phone). When I was calling him to try and talk to him about repairing our M he ignored my calls by letting his cell just ring, sending it to voicemail, or just turning it off. So I decided to do one better, I stopped calling. He need to realize I chose to want him to be in my life but, I don't need him. I am capable of taking care of myself, my children, and my household by MYSELF and he knows that. He says he is intimidated by me. I can't help if I was raised to be a strong woman that only depends on the one sure person that will never let me down. MYSELF. I don't want to seem heartless or anything and yes I do want my marriage to work, but when you learn to depend on yourself things are alot more easier.

You sound very strong Blondie....and that's a good thing.

Let me say that you should cease and desist all relationship talk with him right now.

I am hopeful that this could work from his *marriage is worth saving* comment and the fact that he wants to get a cell where you can reach him anytime.

You need to find out his EN's......I am thinking from what you said about him being intimidated by you that one of his EN's may have to do with feeling needed by you. Is there any way you can get that message across to him?? Perhaps call him to *fix* something around the house, and then after he fixes it you can tell him how much you appreciated it...etc. Maybe make him dinner?

You definitely need to read Surviving an Affair and His Needs, Her Needs....they are very helpful, and you can set up your game plan this way.

God Bless,

-Caren

I am doing EN. I make sure I am drop dead georgous when he comes over. I notice how he is constantly watching me. When I invite him over he always have an excuse of having to work. I don't believe that because he doesn't provide for the kids the way I think he should if he is working all of those hours. Idon't know where he is living. He is not telling anyone, not even his parents or grandmother. He claims that he is living with his guy friend who also have a cell phone and not a home phone. (Yeah Right!)I don't know where he is working so I can't follow him to see where he is going and whom is he living with. I have no idea who the woman is, is she married or not or anything. His family and mines believe he is having an A. His parents has called him out on it and of course he denies it. I am in the process of purchasing both of those books as well as others that I have seen mentioned on this site.

Okay, well if you can't get him to come over more often, then perhaps you can do the *damsel in distress* routine when he comes to visit. Break something for him to fix if you have to LOL!!!

Do you have any friends that could possibly follow him and find out where he's staying???

Sheesh, if you lived in Ohio I'd do it for you <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

God Bless,

-Caren

I do show and tell him that I really appreciate things when he does it. I think he has a problem that I make more money than he does. I always offer him to come over for dinner or suggest that we go out for dinner. He always say he has to work, but never comes over on a day that he is not working. We don't hear from him on his days off.I asked him to come over on his off day so we can spend some time together as a family. He claims he is working 7 days a week. (yeah right, everyone gets an off day). When he is visiting he always says sweet things, but once he leave it is like what he said leaves with him. NOTHING is says is ever acted upon.

That would be difficult because he know all of my friends and family's cars and trucks. Darn it! I did mention that my mother was going out of town in a few weeks and I need him to watch the kids. He says he will come over and watch the kids, but it sounds like he will stay over with them until I get home from work and then leave. I wish I lived in Ohio too, then I would have you on my team LOL! I am in Michigan.

Blondie-

At this stage of the game nothing he says is going to be acted upon. He's a Wayward Spouse. You know the way to tell if your Wayward Spouse is lying? If his lips are moving.

Seriously, you need to stop looking for him to change, or do anything to repair your marriage at this point. As unfair as this will seem, it's going to be ALL UP TO YOU. You're going to have to do some serious work and be prepared because your WH isn't going to always respond kindly to it. They start getting confused....."Why is she being so nice, when I'm being terrible to her..." etc, etc, and a lot of times they'll get mad at you for filling their EN's because it doesn't make sense to them and they feel guilty because you are being so loving and they are doing this to you.

God Bless,

-Caren

You are absolutely right. I am going to continue doing Plan A for al while longer and be a little bit more aggressive but not forceful. At this point anything is worth trying. I too believe our marriage is worth saving. Thank you for all of your input and everyone else who has responded. Your support is greatly appreciated.

Blondie33

You've only been doing plan A for a short time, correct??

This is a marathon, not a race.....you're going to have to have endurance, and in the long run, even if your marriage isn't able to be saved, you'll know that you did everything in your power to save it and you will be guilt free.

God Bless,

-Caren

I have only been doing plan A now since December. I am learning to have patience in this situation, but how much is enough. At what point to I move to Plan B? Whenever Plan B is started, I will have to get a family member involved so my WH will visit the kids at their houses. That is the only way I would have no contact. I have been told by family members as well as friends that he will along with Plan B for a short time and stop visiting the kids because he wants to see me as well as the them. I somewhat agree because when he call to come over he always say he is coming to see us all. (I also have children that are not his, 2 other sons ages 15 and 13;Daughter 11). My children are not very fond of him at this point in time, but I still try and be positive about the situation just in case he comes back. My 15 year old is the only one of my children that is actually happy to see him. I hate that they are of age to understand the hurt and agony that this delemma has caused not only for me but for them as well, but I continue to be stong. Don't get me wrong, at first I was an emotional mess and my kids saw it. I had to quickly get in gear because I did not want them to see me like that since they believe I am their backbone. Well let me get out of here and go to work. There is money that has to be made. Thank you again for continuing to support me in this time of need, it is very much appreciated.

Blondie33

No problem blondie....

I will reply later when I get off of work.

God Bless,

-Caren

Blondie - what legal arrangements do you have regarding stuff like paying bills, visitation, child support, etc?

Do you own your home or rent?

Who controls the family finances?

Who controls the family auto(s)?

Do you have family nearby who can help you with the children?

Have you considered hiring a PI?

Are you able to go about this slowly and patiently, or do you need resolution fast?

I would like a resolution quickly, but I am willing to be patient.

If you have any suggestions I would really like to hear them.

Blondie33

Why on earth does my WH think that coming over periodically to visit is something so great? Listening to him talk is so hilarious. He is still lying about the whereabouts of his job. He claims he stopped by his mother's house and called me because he passes there on his way to work. Little do he know, where he claim to live is closer to his alleged work place than his mother's house. It is in the opposite direction. I just let him think he was getting away with a lie and said nothing. No LBing remember. He hate to admit he went there just to make it look good. Why on earth is he lying about silly things like that? What do he want to see me for if he is having an A with this OW. (the one he claim that does not exist). I know that it is a lie. Why is he worrying about if I call him or not? When I was calling he was ignoring me. Need some feedback please!

Blondie33