It was right before Christmas that I found out my husband had an affair for 9 months with someone who use to work at the same place. I'm having a hard time with this, I have been trying to make our marriage work. I get so sick sometimes. The OW has emailed me and also sent their emails that they sent to each other. He said it happened a year and a half ago, but she has contacted him. He was going to meet her right before Christmas. He was going to lie to me about who brought him home and why he had to work late, but it never happened, because I left early and he couldn't reach me, I had my cell phone off, so the OW didn't get to pick him up from work. I have showed him the proof that I have and He said he was sorry and he wants to save our marriage also, but how do you trust anything that would come from him? We have 2 children, it's his stepchildren, but our daughter only knows him, her real dad passed away when she was only 3. He rides with his boss now and I pick him up. So, if he ever says he has a ride home, I will make sure I'm there when he is supposed to get off work just to see who is picking him up. Any suggestions??? I'm going crazy.........

Hi Brokenheart,

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I'm sure some of the more knowledgable posters will be along soon to offer you some support and advice. In the meantime, some more background would really be helpful.

How long have you been married? How did you first find out about the affair? What prompted OW to email you? You say your husband has stepchildren. So this is his second marriage? Have you read all -- or at least most -- of the material on this web site? What is your husband willing to DO to save your marriage? Will he write a No Contact letter? Will he go to marriage counseling with you?

The more detail you can provide, the more the veterans around here will be able to tailor their advice to your particular situation. You've come to the right place. There are so many people here who are going through the same thing, or who have already gone through it, and who can offer you great insights.

Hang in there. If you post it, they will come. (ugh. that was a bad one, even for me!)

--SC

Broken,

Please read all of the material here regarding affairs and why they happen. Then read and become an expert on plan A.

This affair rared it's ugly head because OW probably never understood that it was over. Since your H never came clean with you, and never sent a NC letter to OW, he left open a door, maybe intentionally, for the affair to begin again. OW kicked things up a notch by contacting you. She was probably hoping that you would kick your husband out and come running in her direction. A desparate act IMO.

If your husband is sorry and does want to work on the marriage, he needs to communicate (NC letter)to OW that the affair was a mistake and that he does not want to have any contact with her. I recommend that you order a copy of Surviving an affair and read it together. It will give you a pretty clear picture of affair dynamics and what you can expect.

Sorry you are here, but this is a helpful place for you right now.

Who

Sorry you need to be here

but MB is the BEST place to be when you need to deal with infidelity

We are recovered 10 years

Both of you need to commit to recovery

Please read Dr Harley's book

Surviving an Affair

hang in there

there is much more "traffic" on General Questions board of the infidelity area .... in case you feel you want a wider group to respond

I have asked him to write a Nc letter, but he hasn't done so yet. When she first emailed me, he had told me it only happened once, but to find out, it was 9 months. It seems he is talking more to a friend of his about our problem and what to do. He gets mad at me when i try to talk to him and I just shut him ut. I know we have a long road ahead of us, but I'm willing to work it out. We have been married for 4 years, so most of our marriage was a lie. He tried telling me it was just a sex thing, but if it's only sex why did it last 9 months and was willing to meet her again. He said he didn't want to hurt me any more than he had already done so by not telling me the truth, yea right. Like I told him, if this is going to work, we both have to work at it. I'm crippled in one leg, but that is no excuse to what he has done to me or taken from me.

The children are from my first husband that passed away. My daughter was only 3 when it happened. She only knows the one I'm married to now as her daddy. The OW emailed me their emails to each other, that's how I found out. When I confronted him, he said it only happened once, which was a lie, it lasted for 9 months. It was with someone who also is married that worked at the same place. The OW and her H went overses to work. I know there are still things that he is lieing about. The other woman has called and talked to me, which is about to get the best of me. He finally sent her a NC letter, but she keeps on emailing and calling. I do want our marriage to work, but until she is comletely out of the picture, we can't move forward. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> We have been together for 4 years, and most of that time was a lie. I'm at the end of my rope on this one. I do see him trying, but it's like I can't right now until he tells me everything. Does this make any sence to anyone? I have read so much material that my eyes hurt. The one thing that has kept me here for the time being is my daughter, I don't want her to lose another daddy. She is 9 now and loves him dearly. I also have a 16 yr old son, which at this stage is being a typical teenager, doing his own thing. I do love my husband and want this to work, but I do know I have to try and work on this. I have days that I see him with her and I get so angry. I've done everything a wife is supposed to do. He is a diabetic and I stood beside him when he was in Intensive Care when his sugar went sky high, he almost died. In return to being a good wife, I get this crap.

He finally wrote a NC letter, but the OW keeps calling and emailing me. She is really trying to push my buttons. He told me it was a bad mistake, but wouldn't a mistake be only once and not 9 months worth? He said he wants our marriage to work and he would never do this again, but I guess time will tell. I hate not being able to trust anything that he tells me. I don't think the affair is what hurt the worst, it was the lies. I told him that if this marriage was to work, he would have to fight for it, that I think I gave enough and was knocked down for what he done to me and all the lies and meeting the OW during and after work. A heart can only take so much hurt until it closes the door. I do love him, but can't begin to get relaxed until I know for sure, it's over.

You need to take the necessary steps to insure that FOW can no longer contact you. She is nothing but trouble for you and it is important to remember here that NC means either you or your husband.

OW will lie and say anything necessary to cause trouble for your marriage and this continued contact with you is stalling your recovery process.

Block her emails or get a new email address. Change your phone number and get an unlisted one. We had to do this to make OW go away. Once she realized she couldn't have a life with my FWH, she just wanted to do as much damage as possible to his marriage and hurt me as much as she could in the process.

I also agree that you need to make sure that there is no contact between your H and OW. I think that if he has really made it clear that NC means NC and that there is no chance that the affair can resume, she will disappear.

One question is did you ever expose to her husband, if not, you should....that may help with the NC>

Who

I do not know her husbands name, nor does my husband. From what I have heard, she has had numerous affairs at the job before they left to go overseas. He has been attentive to my needs more and we do things together now. He even calls me during the hectic work day just to check on my to see how I'm doing. I only pray that he has opened his eyes to what he done to me and our marriage. The OW's H from what I have heard does the same thing. They try to split up marriages and try to get money out of the other people that they are hurting.