I know what you're saying, Suzet -- same here. A seemingly small thing will send me over the top. But further examination shows that the small thing is part of a much deeper issue, that being total lack of respect.

I wish I knew what I said specifically that prompted Aphelion to block me. I tend to get easily offended when a poster is unduly harsh against FWSs, and I also have butted heads with some here over religious issues (we all know I'm, going to burn in he!! because I don't hold strongly to certain religious beliefs).

But Aphelion blocking me... I don't know whether to be hurt/ffended or happy/proud!) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

This piqued my curiosity, so I had to look at some old posts. Earlier today, I posted a much more detailed response about Aphelion's actions during the time in question, but later thought better of it and deleted most of it. There is no value in dredging up that incredibly ugly thread, which I think set a record for the moderators in terms of editing out of private information that a certain poster here gained from a private message board under false pretenses, then posted here for the world to see.

Yes, I pushed Aphelion's buttons, but it doesn't hold a candle to what he did. He singlehandedly drove some of our most remorseful FWSs, and BSs who support them, away from this board. It's too bad because they often gave outstanding advice.

BTW, no where in those posts could I find a request by Aphelion for me not to post to him, but perhaps that was among the volumes of material Justuss had to delete.

So FWS/WSs, when Aphelion attacks you, consider the source and try not to get too worked up over it. And I'll try to do the same.

Hi Suzet.

Just thought I would add to the "clutter" of this thread.

I know how frustration it can be to live with someone with a very different definition of what clean means.

I'm not a neat freak but my tolerance for clutter is much lower than my wife's. Much lower.

She is a mess and would rather walk around one than to stop and pick it up. She doesn't seem to notice a dirty floor unless it gets so bad that she sticks to it.

I have tried everything to get her to change; to pick up her things; to put the dishes in the dishwasher; to occasionally go to the store and buy groceries; or to cook the occasional meal. Ordering a pizza on her own is an ordeal for her.

All this demanding and wishing for her to change to suit my needs really didn’t get me anywhere. I became very resentful. I became angry and mean. I would sometimes yell . . . I have put the stuff that decorated our floors in boxes and stacked it on her side of the bed. I’ve thrown dirty dishes in the trash because I was sick of looking at them and I wasn’t going to be forced to wash them! Ha take that!!!

I'll I got from all of this is . . . that she is still a mess and I developed an ulcer. Not exactly a win win here.

I guess I came to the conclusion somewhere down the line that these things are really my issue, because they bug me. She is happy the way things are. We got a maid and that has helped a lot. It is funny, she will clean for the maid but not for her family?

I think we can wish that our spouses behaved differently. We can even thoughtfully request that they change behaviors that bug us, but I don't think we should demand that they do so.

My wife has some fantastic qualities and my life has been blessed to have had her in it all this time. To me, I had to change my expectations on this issue. I'm sure she has had to change her expectations of me many times too.

A few posts back, someone made a reference to bartering sex for domestic services. This may work in some marriages . . . where the whole thing is kept as a friendly game . . . but it would make me feel a little yucky. It is weird. I wouldn't have a problem bartering domestic service for recreations or something on that line, but sex is complicated and it just would leave me feeling a bit cheapened (I'm a dude and I can't believe I'm saying this.)

I do think that you and H better get back to the SF thing and soon. I think that most men bond with their mates by this and I feel much more attached to W when this aspect of our marriage is running smoothly. When there are issues with SF . . . it seems to heighten other issues.

On another note, I'm a FWS and I can find Aphelion sometimes being a bit of a harpy . . . especially to FWW. His wife hurt him terribly. If nothing else I try to keep that in mind when I read his stuff. I'm not justifying his approach or his advice, I'm just mindful of where he has been.

Good luck.


Pssst. If you really get him to change . . . tell me how!!!

Suzet,

Did the clean house and bubble bath help on the waning sex drive? At least short term? It's an honest question, not meant to be rude or humorous... I am curious if those small things made you 'feel' something internally.

CN... when I first met my H, everyone talked about how meitculous he was... neat freak... a place for everything and everything in its place. Cool, said I. Someone I won't have to clean up after.

Funny how 20 years can change things. He's not a total pig, not even a partial pig, but he is NOT meticulous around the house anymore at all. Dirty clothes can lie around for weeks, dirty dishes in the living room (heck we have a dishwasher - does not require a whole lot of effort to use). I can't remember the last time he did laundry except that he only washed his own stuff. And a wicked packrat. We need the "Clean Sweep" people to come in.

But it could be a whole lot worse, so I try to laugh about it more than get upset over it. Try being the operative word! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Just a couple of loose ends, then I will yield the field.

Suzet,

“What are you exactly suggesting Aphelion? That I should in stead be perfectly okay with an H who has no respect for my wishes to keep the house in decent shape while I’m working my butt off to let us survive financially? Do you think most men (who are usually the breadwinners) will be okay from working 8 - 5 and then come home tiredly to his stay-at-home wife who have done nothing during the day to keep the house in decent shape and then have to do the task all by himself? If not, why do you expect me to be satisfied and content with this? Maybe because I’m a woman and because women are traditionally still viewed as the main person to take care of domestic duties?”

To me, this is additional clear evidence of resentment. A resentment that was still building until your trigger may have released it.


“From your perspective, it seems you think it's perfectly okay for an unemployed H to not try to meet any EN’s, while the employed W must continue to do everything possible to meet his.”

No, not at all. I just hope you can gain an understanding of what is really driving both you and H wrt this issue. An issue that is more complicated than pure Domestic Support.

There is underlying resentment, a trigger, then a landslide. Pretty common. Don’t focus solely on the trigger. The trigger is just one boulder in the whole messy detritus.

Armchair psychiatrist I am not. But I do believe Domestic Support and SF are the two most misunderstood ENs in the entire MB method. Your use of both of them in the same issue is what sparked my interest in your thread in the first place. As I wrote earlier, this is more complicated than dirty dishes, and you seem to agree.


“I don’t understand why you’ve implied with your previous post that I’m setting my H up for a possible A in future???”

Not implying. Warning. Resentment you may not be aware of until it boils over from a trigger of his.


“However, I do have a lot of repressed anger and resentment towards the people who have victimized my H and caused him to lose his job. I work at the same company my H was dismissed from. So, this makes this whole situation just more frustrating.”

I understand this more than you know. FWW, OM and I all work at the same company. Because of the peculiar nature of their LTA, the executive positions they both occupy and the sensitive nature of my particular work I was transferred to a dead end job. I was not fired, but my career here is over. And I didn’t do anything wrong. I think this is the major remaining resentment obstacle I face in my personal recovery.

I may be in your H’s position soon. I am becoming very concerned I will not be able to meet FWW’s Financial Security EN as time goes on. FS in her top five. I have been effectively warehoused at work and I don’t know how much longer I can take these meaningless soul draining assignments. So your H’s situation and how you are reacting is relevant and instructional to me.


“Maybe some of the answers lay in the things I’ve posted to you above. If you want to, tell me what you think.”

In the final analyses, it’s your H and you that must understand each other. It may not sound that way but I am trying to learn by pushing on some of your frustrations and explanations, not tell you what to do.

“I accept your apology.”

Thank you.


Comfortably Numb,

“I have tried everything to get her to change; to pick up her things; to put the dishes in the dishwasher; to occasionally go to the store and buy groceries; or to cook the occasional meal. Ordering a pizza on her own is an ordeal for her.

All this demanding and wishing for her to change to suit my needs really didn’t get me anywhere. I became very resentful. I became angry and mean. I would sometimes yell . . . I have put the stuff that decorated our floors in boxes and stacked it on her side of the bed. I’ve thrown dirty dishes in the trash because I was sick of looking at them and I wasn’t going to be forced to wash them! Ha take that!!!

I'll I got from all of this is . . . that she is still a mess and I developed an ulcer. Not exactly a win win here.

I guess I came to the conclusion somewhere down the line that these things are really my issue, because they bug me. She is happy the way things are. We got a maid and that has helped a lot. It is funny, she will clean for the maid but not for her family?

I think we can wish that our spouses behaved differently. We can even thoughtfully request that they change behaviors that bug us, but I don't think we should demand that they do so.

My wife has some fantastic qualities and my life has been blessed to have had her in it all this time. To me, I had to change my expectations on this issue. I'm sure she has had to change her expectations of me many times too.

A few posts back, someone made a reference to bartering sex for domestic services. This may work in some marriages . . . where the whole thing is kept as a friendly game . . . but it would make me feel a little yucky. It is weird. I wouldn't have a problem bartering domestic service for recreations or something on that line, but sex is complicated and it just would leave me feeling a bit cheapened (I'm a dude and I can't believe I'm saying this.)

I do think that you and H better get back to the SF thing and soon. I think that most men bond with their mates by this and I feel much more attached to W when this aspect of our marriage is running smoothly. When there are issues with SF . . . it seems to heighten other issues.”

I think this is all the same stuff I wrote. Well, except for the getting angry and mean part. I just withdrew for a while. Until I decided to work on changing my outlook.

I also warned about the resentment FWW harbored from when I tried to change her against her will. She used that period as partial justification for her LTA even though the LTA started quite a while after I stopped pushing on the, then, Domestic Support EN of mine.

I am happier, even now, since I recalibrated that EN of mine. FWW has not changed much in this regard. But I don’t mind any more. It’s not even an EN of mine any more. (This is another often misunderstood thing about ENs. They change, and they can be changed.)


“I'm a FWS and I can find Aphelion sometimes being a bit of a harpy . . . especially to FWW.”

Oh, I don’t know. Perception is reality I suppose. But I will say the one thing that will set me off around here is the sense of lingering entitlement that comes through so many, even long time, FWS posts.

I’ll try to get a better grip, OK.

With prayers,

Aphelion - Life is too short to hate your job.

TJ over.

GBH - I know what you’re saying! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Luckily with time I’ve learned to become more “thick skinned” around these boards and I also realize that perception is in the “eye” of the “beholder”. This is also true regarding a person’s opinion and judgment about me (and others) in general. If it wasn’t for this and if I didn’t learned to develop a “thick skin” around these boards, I would have also been “chased away” from these boards a long time ago… I don’t let myself be judged & defined by my past choices & mistakes by anyone anymore because I know I have been forgiven by myself, my H and God…but if a poster still want to do that, it’s his/her choice and there’s nothing I can do about that... I know Aphelion’s tone and responses in his first post to me would be totally different if I was a BS instead of a FWW. Aphelion seem to believe that FWS’s must “settle for less” and be content with disrespectful behavior and unfulfilled EN’s from their BS’s over the long term. Maybe to help “making up” for the past infidelity for the rest of their lives? I don’t know… But I think serving a “life sentence” in such a destructive way like this to try and “make up” for the past infidelity can be disastrous for the marriage and the individuals... That’s why I personally believe FORMER WS’s and BS’s are entitled to the same amount of respect, fulfillment of EN’s etc. from each other - it's a two way street.

Comfortably Numb - I know what you’re saying and I tend to have the same attitude than you about this. You’re a “rare” dude indeed! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

You know, it might sound strange coming from me and very contradicting in the context of this thread, but actually SF is one of my top EN’s. Like you, SF with my H makes me feel much closer and attached to him. The fact that I currently have a problem with my sex drive and sexual performance doesn’t mean that I don’t need it and that it doesn’t affect me at all… I want to “want it” and I want to have “desire” & “passion” for my H, but lately I fail in experiencing these sexual feelings... It feels as though there is something terribly wrong with me… Also, the last couple of times we were having S, I couldn’t reach a climax (I never had a problem with this before I was taking AD’s).

What makes matters worse is that my H doesn’t want to have S until I get sufficiently aroused with cuddling and foreplay...and if I don’t get aroused enough, he will not proceed through with S...and then I feel like "failing" him. He says if we have S he wants the experience to be mutually enjoyable and fulfilling to both of us and that he will rather go without S than having a “one-sided” experience where I don’t fully enjoy it with him too... I have tried to explain to my H that during such times (when I can't get sufficiently aroused), I won’t mind having S without being fully aroused – that just being physically close to him and me helping him finding release for his sexual tension – will be enough for me during such times. But it seems my H find most of his sexual enjoyment out of my sexual arouse & enjoyment and that SF don’t satisfy him if this is not the case.

RookKev - those actions made me felt more affectionate towards my H, it didn’t increased my drive (although I’m sure it will have an affect on this too if my H start to “romance” me like this more often). Affection and SF is close related in many ways (although it’s two different EN’s) and the one usually lead or implicate the other.

I posted the following yesterday:

"You know, it might sound strange coming from me and very contradicting in the context of this thread, but actually SF is one of my top EN’s. Like you, SF with my H makes me feel much closer and attached to him. The fact that I currently have a problem with my sex drive and sexual performance doesn’t mean that I don’t need it and that it doesn’t affect me at all… I want to “want it” and I want to have “desire” & “passion” for my H, but lately I fail in experiencing these sexual feelings... It feels as though there is something terribly wrong with me… Also, the last couple of times we were having S, I couldn’t reach a climax (I never had a problem with this before I was taking AD’s).

What makes matters worse is that my H doesn’t want to have S until I get sufficiently aroused with cuddling and foreplay...and if I don’t get aroused enough, he will not proceed through with S...and then I feel like "failing" him. He says if we have S he wants the experience to be mutually enjoyable and fulfilling to both of us and that he will rather go without S than having a “one-sided” experience where I don’t fully enjoy it with him too... I have tried to explain to my H that during such times (when I can't get sufficiently aroused), I won’t mind having S without being fully aroused – that just being physically close to him and me helping him finding release for his sexual tension – will be enough for me during such times. But it seems my H find most of his sexual enjoyment out of my sexual arouse & enjoyment and that SF don’t satisfy him if this is not the case."

I will appreciate any opinions/advice from women or men who have dealt/dealing with similar problems in their M regarding SF. Does it sounds if me and my H have a serious problem in this area and need to go to a counsellor/sexual therapist or is it something we can resolve without outside help?

Also, I can't figure out if my current sexual problems is because of:

- internal issues within myself I need to resolve;
- the sexual side effect of AD's I chronically using;
- external issues such as the stress from my H's court case, unemployment, financial difficulties and try coping without domestic services while working full-time;
- the infertility issue and our inability to go through with the intro-fertilization process (which is already postponed for 2 years now);
- marital issues between me and my H;
- or combination of everything above.

Maybe my sexual problem and lack of experiencing physical desire for sex and passion for my H is just temporary and most of it will get resolved as soon as our external issues and stressors are sorted out? Lately my H has also stopped to show/initiate any desire for SF with me… And this worries me. It's been more than 2 weeks now... Or is 2 weeks not yet something to get worried or concerned about?

I will appreciate any opinions.

Thanks,
Suzet

Well, since you asked, here's what jumps out at me:


That speaks volumes to me, and is the primary reason I didn't go on ADs, and why I am probably the only person posting here that doesn't recommend ADs right off the bat. I think there is much that a person can do in the way of diet and lifestyle changes (exercise being at the top of the list) to put oneself in a better frame of mind. It has been clinically proven that exercise releases the same brain chemicals that ADs do.

Exercise also has so many more benefits - particularly that it helps with meeting ENs for AS and RC. Not as easy as popping a pill, I supppose, but I think a lot of people would benefit from it.

GBH, the reason I’m using psychiatric medication and why I can’t stop using it completely is somewhat complicated. The following two threads will give you some insight and background:

(Attn: Suzet) OCD, Depression and Affairs

Questions on A/D’s medication

Me and my H both exercise and belong to a gym – I try to exercise at least 3 times a week for 1 to 1 and a half hours. I also follow a balanced diet and taking additional vitamins and other supplements (I also did this before I started taking the meds).

Suzet,

Have you discussed this with the DR who prescribed ADs? Also check the side affects of your particular ADs. It could be something as simple as that, but you also have alot of very stressful stuff going on in your life that could be a contributing factor. I would recommend talking to your Dr. Also you may want to get an opinion from Lemonman, he may be able to tell you if the ADs could even be a part of it, my opinion is just speculation based on your post and I am not an MD, I'm a computer guy.

Suzet

I held a very high powered job, foreign travel every week, long hours.

So I'd have the opportunity to make something of this job, Squid gave up work for a while to look after ou kids full time. She was fine with that until I started bringing adventures home and also quit doing anything much around the house. I did stuff, some meals, some tidying but nothing relgular enoug for Squid to rely on it. After a 70 hour week working and flying hours on planes I did not feel I should be expected to be a domestic too. I was very indignant about this. I offered to buy in domestic help. Squid refused this.
It was important to her that *I* help her, not that she gets help from anyone.

Squid resented the ****** out of me for this.

From time to time I tried to help out but NOTHING was ever enough for Squid. She could ALWAYS find some reason to complain at my efforts or omissions.

And I was always indignant at this.

Anyway Squid had an affair some time later - with an even lazier [email]b@stard[/email] than me it turns out. Never a THING round the house, despite being deliberately unemployed to avoid CSA payments. Nice man.

So...the bomb hit and we wee left with only a blasted landscape. I had to find out what Squid's ENs were, and not judge them. We can't help what our ENs are.

And domestic support was a HUGE EN for her. ENORMOUS. Third in fact. I had no idea. Just thought she was a moaning SAHM. Didn;t matter if I felt it wa sunfair or not, or right or not. Her EN wasthat I help out a LOT with DS so I had to work out if I wanted to do it and if I could do it.

My job was still extremely demanding so Squid and I talked and...well...I quit it. I got a much reduced role with less travelling and responsibility in the same company.

Meant I was based out of my home office for 2 or 3 days most weeks. Sometimes ALL week.

So we agreed that as Squid is bloody useless much before midday <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />, I'd get up early with the kids, make their packed lunches and breakfasts and Squid's and my own morning coffee. Then I'd take DD12 to school.

And in the afternoon when I can I collect DD12 from school.

And I do lots of fixing up, am a whole lot tidier and do stuff like clean the bathroom every time I finish using it etc. Dishwasher loading unloading. Cook everal meals per week etc.

There are few arguments over that now. I guess I am meeting that EN well.

Do I like it ? Well I quit elike making teh kid slunches and breakfasts now. I draw faces on the lunch bags and cut sandwiches into odd shapes ! Its nice, feels like an act of service and love to them.

Do I resent climbing off the career ladder ? Yes, a little.

I'd've been on secondment to another country by now, earning a whole lot of money and having great adventures. But probably divorced so it would be meaningless. if Squid had been happy with that we could have gone as a family, fully sponsored by my company, but that would only work if Squid wanted it.

My reason for posting this are twofold :

1. Men HATE DS, and it is never instinctive for us. NEVER. A schedule of things to do might help your H contribute as you would like.
2. Without Squid's affair I would never have done this over freakin' housework. He might not realise just how high on your list DS is. Have you tried a EN survey with him lately ?

all blessings

Interesting. My dad was on anti-anxiety meds for a short time, but it was in response to a horrendous life event that I'd rather not discuss in a public forum. Suffice it to say, this life event could make anyone anxious. But he stopped taking the meds after a few months.

My sister started taking anti-depressants during this same crisis and she's still on them.

We have a few cousins on dad's side that are, well, not sure how to describe them, but they don't function well socially. Never have, from the time they were kids.

My dad's also a recovering alcoholic, if that matters any.

So I guess you could say there's a genetic presidposition in my family, too, and the subject of ADs has been brought up a couple times. Both my PCP and IC considered me to be kind of "borderline" in that respect. So far, I've resisted getting scripts for them.

That said, I can see where you might benefit from the meds, considering your background. It just kind of bugs me that "get some ADs" seems to be the first thing to come out of people's keyboards when a new poster shows up.

Just one of my many pet peeves! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for all your advice to us FWWs. It's been valuable.

This is an old one but perhaps apropos?


[color:"white"] - [/color] <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

[color:"white"] - [/color]

Eagle - Yes, I did discuss this with my DR a few months ago and he advised me to go for a testosterone injection. I did this and it increased my libido a LOT, but then I developed excessive hair growth and I never returned for a second injection. The DR said any AD that falls in the SRRI category (which I have to use because of my specific disorders) usually have sexual side effects in a greater or lesser degree depending on the individual. He said of all the SRRI medications, Cipramil (the AD I’m currently using) have the least possibility of sexual side effects. A few months ago I have started weaning off the medication to the lowest dose to see if it will help and so far it didn’t really made a significant difference in my libido... What concerns me is that I never really experienced any sexual side effects during the first 2 years of use, so that’s why I’m wondering if the other current stressors in our life don’t play a bigger role.

Thanks, I will make a call-out to Lemonman and ask him to give an opinion.

Bob - thanks for your input. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

No Bob, we haven’t done the survey lately. The last time we did the survey was before my H lost his job and while I still had the service of a Domestic Worker once a week. So at that time DS was not very high on my list of EN’s. However, I did explain to my H last week that, because of our current circumstances, DS have temporarily become a very high need of mine. After I’ve talked to H about this (after my blowout and apologies last week) he said he understands and since then I could see improvements in his efforts to support me with DS. Since last week I also try focusing more on praising my H for the things he does do around the house and show appreciation for every small thing (including affection), in stead of criticizing and “nagging” about the things he don’t do and keep postponing. (I realize “nagging” is probably one of the most annoying habits for a man). I'm also busy compiling a list and schedule we both can use.

GBH – I understand what you’re saying, but remember, situations and people are different… I know people and doctors are sometimes too quick to recommend AD’s and I know in some cases it’s unnecessarily prescribed, but I also know of instances where AD’s was literally a life saver to people... In my own situation I couldn’t start recovery until I started taking medication for my disorders. And I was one of those people who initially refused taking them since I didn’t believe in psychiatric medication either... However, I’ve learned and researched a lot about psychiatric disorders, depression and psychiatric medication since then.

Ghnl - thanks for the humor - you made me smile! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hey Suzet !

I was thinking about your sit while I was doing my chores this morning. I dunno if its a male/female thing, or if its just different peopel of different sexes but soem folks just do not get ANY satisfaction from a given task while others do.

Squid for example takes GREAT satisfaction from a good gym workout. For me, with no skill needed and no competition its a REAL slog that I do just to keep my waist size beginning with a "3".

I can wash and polish a car starting with a warm sponge and ending two hours later with my finger and thumb polishing screwheads while Squid would just drive through an auto brush wash NEVER spend that much time on a car wash. Neither of us are lazy, but we are motivated to do different things.

A trouble we have is that NEITHER of us are particularly satisfied by doing domestic stuff. We like cooking or at least when everyone enjoys our efforts, but cleaning, tidying, laundry, ironing is all just things we have to do utterly without enjoyment.

When I realised this it was clear I had to help out. Just because Squid's a SAHM, it doesn't mean she has to like every part of that. But ANYTHING I did was a help, right So I did the stuff I hated least: breakfast, lunches, cooking, dishwasher etc etc. Because I know MY chores, they're part of my routine now, so I don't have to motivate myself to do them.

I think if you identify stuff that your H dislikes least and make them HIS chores he may contribute more willingly.

And nagging is about the worst LB I know of to almost any man !

Bob, I personally think it is more about individual differences, personality etc. than a male/female thing. For example, both me and my H enjoy cooking (that’s why he often offer to prepare dinner), but we both hate washing the dishes afterwards. We also both hate cleaning the house (dusting, vacuuming etc.) so usually we will split it between us (although I will usually end up doing more than him). I don’t mind doing laundry & ironing (the ironing I do in front of the TV to make it less boring) so I never expect my H to help with that. Because I’m somewhat of a neat freak, I will do stuff around the house and keep it tidy even if I don’t always feel like doing it and don't like it. My H is not so much concerned about tidiness and this is the main difference between us. I can be lazy at times either and not motivated to do things around the house, but then I will start getting frustrated with myself and feeling guilty (I think my obsessive compulsive tendencies also plays a role here).

This sounds like me and my H… Although my H does go with me to the gym, he don’t like it and usually I have to drag him to the gym with me! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> The only reason my H exercises is to help keeping his weight & cholesterol under control since he have weight problems and heart disease problems running in his family. I, on the other hand, LOVE a great gym workout and takes great satisfaction from it!

The same with me and H – see first paragraph of this post.

Me and my H are not really routine people…SIGH…so this is why I’m working on a schedule, so that we can start setting a weekly routine for ourselves and getting more organized! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> We must get this right before we have children (If it's in God's plan for us to have children.)

Suzet,

I will appreciate any opinions/advice from women or men who have dealt/dealing with similar problems in their M regarding SF. Does it sounds if me and my H have a serious problem in this area and need to go to a counsellor/sexual therapist or is it something we can resolve without outside help?

Also, I can't figure out if my current sexual problems is because of:

- internal issues within myself I need to resolve;

This may be. I think that you are resentful that your H doesn't keep house like you would like. Perhaps that is affecting how attracted you are to H.

- the sexual side effect of AD's I chronically using;

I think that most AD's have these side effects. I also think that depressed people often don't wish to be intimate to begin with.

- external issues such as the stress from my H's court case, unemployment, financial difficulties and try coping without domestic services while working full-time;

What? Stress may affect our desire? Yes, these issues certainly would make my life stressful and probably affect the way I viewed my mate.

- the infertility issue and our inability to go through with the intro-fertilization process (which is already postponed for 2 years now);

I haven't dealt with this, but have experienced the opposite. After the first kid came along I didn't want to have sex because of fear of having another.

- marital issues between me and my H;
- or combination of everything above.

yes and yes.


Me and my H are not really routine people…SIGH…so this is why I’m working on a schedule, so that we can start setting a weekly routine for ourselves and getting more organized! We must get this right before we have children (If it's in God's plan for us to have children.)


I don't particularly like schedules and I really hate being scheduled by someone else. In fact, my wife has learned that the best way to get me uninvolved in a project is to give me a "honey do" list with that project. I’m ok when she asks, but to see it in writing just raises my hackles . . . I feel more like the 'help' and less like a partner.

Scheduling may work for you two. One thing I will add is that whatever schedule you adopt don't expect it to remain once the kid(s) come (I'm hopeful for you two). Kid's have an innate ability to destroy any structure that you try to establish. They are fun and all that, but if you think your house is messy now . . . you have no idea of what it will become as the plastic fauna that will soon litter your floors grows and grows around you as they age.

Finally, if you both like to cook and no one likes to do the dishes then flip for it. The winner gets to cook and the loser gets the mess. At least neither of you has to dread the entire day the thought of scheduled dishes.

Comfortably Numb,

Thanks for your input. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Since last week I'm focusing on trying to change my thought process and reactions to my H about the Domestic Support issue (as suggested by Alphelion). It's not an overnight process, but I'm trying!

I don't feel depressed since I've started taking the AD's for specific disorders almost 3 years ago, but I still have 'down' and ‘melancholic’ days from time to time (which I think is normal under our circumstances).

I hear what you are saying - it make sense. Of course the best way to go is to POJA with my H about this first and reach and enthusiastic agreement between us.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> This is really a scary thought for me right now, but I do think people adapt as they start having children (they have to I suppose! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />) Seriously though...I won't describe our house as messy but I do think I'm somewhat of a neat freak and too obsessive about a clean and orderly house at times... One thing I know is that my H is great with children and will be a wonderful father one day...he absolutely LOVES children... And this is the one area I know for sure in which my H will be very helpful and supportive one day...and I can't wait that this desire of us be fulfilled (hopefully not so far in the future).

I will not go as far as 'scheduling' the dishes and cooking (a bit extravagant)! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Usually me and hubby don't have a problem with the cooking arrangement. The days he feels like cooking and find the time to start preparing dinner, he does it. Otherwise I prepare dinner as soon as I arrive home.