For those not familiar with my situation, the following is a synopsis.

WW had LTA with OM who is x-neighbor.
D-Day: 1/15/2006; she confessed.
We have three adult sons. I exposed to them three days ago. They are waiting to confront their mom when I have proof. They want to avoid confronting her and hearing denials. Snooping plan has been expanded.
I found MB.com site, read the articles and implemented Plan A. We are scheduled to start MC in two weeks. I insisted on the following with WW:

1. NC
2. Transparency
3. MC
4. Develop enhanced friendships with friends who are in long-term stable marriages.

Are the above supportive of Plan A? Are there more on which I should insist?

She has broken NC two times that I know of. I want to R but do not desire to be a doormat. What do you recommend as my response to breaking NC? Thus far, I have stopped short of issuing ultimatums.

Thanks.

Tell her you want to be the best possible husband to her and ask her to spend time with you doing things that she would consider enjoyable and you would enjoy as well, but have those things be things that she would really like and you would at least find pleasant. Focus on your relationship with her. I finally did give an ultimatum, but I think it is far better if your W would agree to this. I spent all of 2004 trying to get my husband to agree to this, but he seems to have concluded he couldn't enjoy being with me. Your sons will observe what you do. I wish now I had paid a lot more attention to the impact on my children, something everyone was telling me.
Cherished

My sons knew something, they just didn't know what exactly. Their reaction: that explains everything. They explained that my WW told them several times during her LTA that she was not happy with me and wanted a divorce. Now, they feel like they were used as pawns.

Spending time with my WW has proven to be a challenge. She talks on the phone to her two best friends at least five nights a week and 1-3 hours at a time. Her friends are multiple divorcees, both deserted their families and like to live vicariously through my WW. When I tell her we need more time together her answer is that she still needs her space. I am too early in Plan A to expect miracles.

There are many good things however. We will celebrate our 36th anniversary soon and we have a mini-trip planned to her favorite place. We are both looking forward to the time together. I am doing everything humanly possible to meet all her EN's that I can.

ToddAC,

Go and read very carefully the definition of Plan A. I wish I could give you the URL but you should be able to find it in a few clicks. I went and reread it this AM because I had a doubt about something. It does say negotiate. I am not sure that her two friends (especially #2) are off limits. Or maybe your negotiation is give her #1 and she stays away from #2. I don't know. Just something to think about. Maybe your MC can help with that too.

I tried that for a full year, but I'm glad I tried that. I had to resort to an ultimatum because I was unable to cope anymore. It's like the difference between having your WW confess to an A and your exposing it.

I exposed my H's A too, when I thought it was an EA that had ended months before, when he said he wanted to attend a retirement party at his old department, which is where OW worked. I called OWH, he was disturbed by what I told him, and he got the truth out of OW and told me. This was May, 2002. The A seems to have ended then. One phone call in April, 2003.

It wasn't until December, 2004, that I gave up coping with neglect. The infuriating thing about this is he gave lots of fog babble, but one thing that stuck in my mind is he said, "I had an affair because you ignored me."

Hardly. What I did was tolerate neglect.

What it appears you are doing now is tolerating neglect and infidelity. The "I need my space" line. I've heard that,too. When we got into Harley's program, and he talked about emotional needs, my H said, "Downtime is my most important emotional need."

This I spy routine -- so degrading. You've exposed. Now let her decide to end it. Maybe what you can do is focus on time with her. Tell her you feel neglected.

I really shouldn't post. I finally got to the point where I despised my H, absolutely loathed him, and that's when I made the ultimatum. I wish I'd done it earlier, but maybe I had to get to that point.

Cherished

traicionado,

I'm reminded of a situation once in my work. I represented a client who was being pestered by a prospective supplier. I called the supplier and opened the conversation by saying that I understand you and my client have been playing telephone tag. He interrupted and said: what do you call it when only one party is playing telephone tag? To paraphrase his question, what do you call it when only one person in a M is negotiating? Or even trying? She is in the fog and does not want to end the A. I will take your suggestion and read Plan A.

Todd,
I don't really have a suggestion. I just am offering my story. Even after the A ended, I still had to get to the point where I simply could not cope. It wasn't about him. It was about me.

Your WW is rebuffing your attempts at reconciliation because she is happy where she is. You are letting her ignore you. The person who has to change is you. That's all I'm saying.

Cherished

traicionado,

Here is the salient portion of Plan A that applies to my case:

"Plan A is for the betrayed spouse to negotiate with the wayward spouse to totally separate from the lover without angry outbursts, disrespect, and demands. These three Love Busters not only ruin any effort to reach a negotiated settlement, but they also make the betrayed spouse much less attractive to the wayward spouse. Instead of encouraging total separation from the lover, the anger, disrespect and demands of the betrayed spouse make the lover appear to be the only one who truly cares about the wayward spouse. They literally throw the wayward spouse into the arms of the lover."

I plead guilty to all charges. When my WW finally confessed, I should have gone for a long walk. Instead, I exhibited all three LB's that Dr. Harley described. I know it was a mistake. Day to day, our relationship goes well. When it is clear she has seen the OM is when my emotional hurt and anger rule me. I am getting better each and every day. I am not close to being out of the woods however. I made a too long list of demands that I presented to my WW. I backed off a couple that were unreasonable and tried to discuss the list with her. My WW will agree to NC, but then break it. She still maintains she "needs her space". I will continue with Plan A and actually have good feelings about it. It's a fine line between being a doormat and managing Plan A.

Todd,
When a ws says they need space, translated it means, I need time to carry on my affair without worrying about you interferring with it.

Yeah, I've come to that realization. Thanks.